(Closed) Snooped and now concerned

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, if you’re going to marry this guy, and want him to be honest with you about his finances, then you need to be honest about snooping.

He is probably going to be angry, and you do owe him an apology for going through his stuff…but I don’t see any other way to start the dialogue than to just tell the truth, and express your concerns.

Post # 4
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree w. @sara_tiara. This IS a big problem, and it’s lucky that you found this out now.

Just be honest, and hopefully he can be honest with you. It won’t be a pleasant conversation, but it needs to happen.

If he can’t give satisfactory answers, rethink marrying him.

You don’t want a) secrets b) financial turmoil to start your marriage. Trust me. I spent 5 years with a guy who had no clue how to manage his money, and it was misery.

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with the pp’s you need to say something. Apologize for snooping and then start the money talk. 

Post # 6
Member
4804 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is something you guys definitely need to figure out ASAP. But how I would go about handling it depends on several different factors. Do you two live together? How are the bills currently divided? I just ask because it’s hard to give advice without knowing those things.

Post # 7
Member
5227 posts
Bee Keeper

Bringing up money AT ALL can be uncomfortable. I would just jump in head first with your financial information as well. Lay it all out on the table and have a discussion about the household finances, who pays for what, what is owed, who will be responsible for the bills, etc. I  honestly wouldn’t even bring up the snooping part ( I would also stop that, BTW!) , and just say ” moving forward, I want to discuss X,Y and Z and agree that  doing A,B and C will get us financially on track”. Every couple is different, and some are married and do not mingle accounts. If you are going to operate like that, then know that he doesn’t handle his money as well as you’d like. If you plan on operating from a joint account of some sort- I would address this issue sooner rather than later. 

Post # 8
Member
12569 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sara_tiara:  This.

What you’ve done is wrong, and you need to face the music.  But he needs to be upfront with you about his finances, especially if you live together.

Post # 9
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

You have got to tell him. If I found out my boyfriend at the time went through my email or Facebook I would feel my privacy was viloated and i would be extremely upset. But a bank account is a whole other story. I’d flat out call the police if I discovered my then boyfriend stalked my account passwords and snooped through my finances. I’m sure I would calm down later but I’m not sure if I could ever forgive that. There are just some things you don’t do. Of course lying about my finances and bouncing checks is something I don’t do either and I’m hoping he isn’t lying to you about any of that.

Post # 10
Member
4315 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t know that you necessarily have to admit it.

Just say  you think it’s about time you figure out how you’re going to handle finances now that you’re engaged & figure out what the plan is for after you’re married regarding checking, savings, retirement, all that & say it should be laid out on the table.  I think that’s a better alternative then cornering him about the snooping, because either way he’ll probably be humiliated.

Post # 12
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@rathernotsay:  YES you NEED to have some sort of financial talk BEFORE you get married. and talk about EVERYTHING! you’re getting married for goodness sake! you can’t be secretive at all about this stuff!

Post # 13
Member
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@rathernotsay:  OK, but what if he doesn’t tell you the whole truth (which BTW is a VERY real possibility, because I’d imagine he’s embarassed)? Then what? At what point do you admit what you know?

I really think that this has the potential to blow up in your face unless you tell him what you know and how. And if he has such high principles, then he is only going to be more angry and hurt the more that you’ve lied.

Post # 14
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I would not tell him BUT you can’t go into his bank account without his permission now or in the future. If he is paying attention, he may catch you as I know my online banking always tells me at each new sign in when I last signed into the account. So, if I had not signed in recently and it said last sign is was yesterday I would be suspicious. 

Anyway, I think you can bring up money without telling him you werei n his account. Since you are planning to marry the gus, it is legit to have a serious finance discussion. I would suggest you get your account in line and be prepared to share your  current balance and spending habits and ask him to do the same. maybe ask him today if he would set aside a couple of hours this weekend to talk finances and budget with you. this would also be a good time to talk about the possibility of combined finances and combined ownership post-marriage. I think it is never too early in an engagement to start the money conversation as it can have serious implications. Furthermore you need to discuss how to finance weding or honeymoon expenses so starting a combined savings account is not a bad idea. I would also put all current debt on the table from both parties including mortgage, car loans, student loans, etc. so you know where each other stands.

Post # 16
Member
832 posts
Busy bee

OMG, I am so sorry that you are even in this situation, this must be very difficult!  Snooping is less than ideal and even though we may not agree with it you need to have an open, honest discussion with your FI about finances.  Is borrowing money from his employer to pay his bills even legal?  Does his employer know that this is happening because if they do not then it would be embezzlement which is punishable by jail.  When you marry someone it is both an emotional and LEGAL bond.  Depending on your state laws, you will likely be responsible for his debts and liabilities equally for anything that either of you acquire during your marriage starting on Day 1 post marriage unless you have a pre-nup that states otherwise for both assets and debt.  Having money discussions is awkward at first but necessary.  I strongly, strongly encourage you to have open, honest financial discussions with him.  Finances are one of the top 3 reasons why couples divorce.  Please be smart and enter into your marriage with full financial disclosure.  Best of luck to you!

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