Post # 1
Does your SO have female friends that he likes to hang out with?
Mine does. And it drives me crazy. She’s a girl from work. At first, I liked her well enough, wasn’t someone I would ever hang out with but her boyfriend was nice and it was something different to do on Friday nights or whatever.
But, some things went down with her. She said alot, while drunk, to me and the SO. The SO was fine to just shrug it off with an “Oh, she was drunk.” But I’m not really eager to hang out with her. She’s very immature and I find her a little annoying. She will literally ask how you are and if your answer progresses past “Good” or “Fine” she WALKS AWAY. I just don’t really enjoy her company. They work together, so they naturally have a lot to talk about. Her boyfriend and I don’t work together, don’t really have much to say and usually end up just sitting there while our SOs chat and have a grand time. I feel left out and like a third wheel when we spend time together.
I told my SO after the incident where she was drunk and really offended me that I prefer not to hang out with her anymore. He got kind of annoyed because he took it as I didn’t like his friends. Which, I guess is what I was saying.
He, however, still hangs out with her. I know this shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I trust him, I’m not concerned there’s anything going on between them… I just find it really upsetting that he would rather spend time with her. Like right now… It’s Friday night and he is over there hanging out with her and I am at home alone.
How would you handle something like this? Should I suck it up and have an even more miserable Friday evening by hanging out with her anyway?
Post # 3
DH has a bunch of friends of the female persuasion. I wont lie, it can get to be too much. Theyre always calling for help, like he’s THEIR husband. One called his cell phone right after she had a car accident. I was like, WTF!!!! Facebook is a problem too. There is this one girl that responds to EVERY SINGLE status update. She and I dont get along very well, so every invitation for drinks obviously does not include me.
So, it was important to establish boundaries with him and with them. You are not ‘jessica’s’ brother, boyfriend, or father. So there is really no need to call late at night/early in the morning, invite you out (but NOT me) for drinks, etc.
It has taken some time and several arguments for him to understand my point of view and by mindful of my feelings towards the whole situation. This office girl needs to respect your relationship, but she will not do that without your BF setting boundaries. Can you spend Friday night at some dudes house drinking while he’s at home on espn.com? If no, then neither can he.
Post # 4
I definitely would never consider drinking over at some guy’s house. That’s just not something I’d do, which is why I think it’s so hard for him to understand. It’s one thing to verbally put the shoe on the other foot, but I think it would be another for him to experience the shoe on the other foot.
He almost always invites me to come with but I almost always decline. I know she doesn’t want me there. When I do go, it’s really a lousy time and the last few times it’s been blatantly obvious she doesn’t want me around. I came way way before her, it’s not like his childhood best friend or anything.
How did you establish boundaries? I hate fighting with him about it. My friends have suggested me telling him that he’s not “allowed” to hang out with her outside of work but I’m not really into telling him that he’s “not allowed” to do something, you know? He’s my boyfriend, not my kid, lol. How did you work through this?
Post # 5
I would find it really strange to have him hanging out with her at her house alone. Are they alone or is it a group thing?
I find it weird when adult men befriend women and become their good friends and hang out with them alone -especially when their SO is home alone not doing anything. I would 100% feel like he enjoyed her company more than he liked mine unless it was a group thing and there were other people hanging out with them!
Post # 6
Here’s the thing. I think it is inappropriate for a guy to have an intimate friendship with another female when he is involved/engaged/married. There are lots of reasons why. First, it just doesn’t look good. What if he and she were just having a casual drink after work and someone who knew you saw them? It would look like he was cheating on you! Even if it is innocent, it doesn’t look good. But even more than that… the fact that it makes YOU uncomfortable is reason enough for him not to hang out with her. His first loyalty is to you. Let’s say that you had a male friend and your SO was really uncomfortable about it. Would you say, “too bad!” or would you try to consider his feelings and put some distance between you and your male friend? Maybe if you explain it like this to your SO he will get the point. If he doesn’t, you may see this as a red flag for future problems. Good luck!
Post # 7
No sir-e-bob. There’s no way on God’s green earth that my fiance is going to hang out with another woman alone. Hell would freeze over first actually.
For me, it’s not a trust issue for him. I don’t trust other women…period.
It’s also EXTREMELY inappropriate. It’s 10 times more inappropriate when he leaves you alone to do it. There’s something very wrong with that.
Tell him you have a male friend you’re going to go drink with alone and see how he likes that.
Post # 8
Well, her boyfriend is always there too, which is why I don’t find it totally inappropriate. I just don’t know what the solution is to have everyone happy. Obviously they’re friends, and I can respect that. But I don’t want to be there… And I don’t really want him to spend time with her outside of work. I mean, he sees her all day, Monday through Friday… Why does he need to spend more time with her outside of work?
I have a lot of good male friends. I just never really got along with girls in high school, I don’t know why. But once I started dating my SO, I put distance between us. I didn’t tell them I didn’t want to be friends anymore, but I stopped hanging out with just them Friday nights. It’s no big deal for me because I go to a very small college and I see them all the time. Sometimes between classes we grab a sandwich and play catch-up.
So do I tell him to do the same? To hang out with her at work? Go out to lunch with her and his other work friends if he feels the need to catch up with her?
I don’t know. The blatant disrespect that she shows me bothers me way more than him hanging out with her and her boyfriend.
Post # 9
The thing is if she does dis-respect you it should bother HIM TOO!
I think you just have to talk to him and see if you can come to a compromise that would make you BOTH happy that you are BOTH comfortable with!
If he is not willing to compromise I would personally take that as a HUGE red-flag!
To me an emotional relationship with another women is also cheating!
Post # 10
You’re right, I need to talk to him about it. Again. lol, I just wish he could read my mind. But he can’t. I assume he knows it bugs the crap out of me, since I’ve told him… But I guess he’s forgotten…
Ugh. I just hate this. He said he’d be gone 1/2 hour. It’s been an 1 1/2 hour. 🙁
Maybe I’ll go shoe shopping. lol!
Post # 11
DITTO everything Mrs.FutureMartin said. I think that’s disrespectful. I’d be WEIRDED out if i went to a guy friend’s house and his wife wasn’t there…i’d be like “dude, where’s your wife?” In general, the situation you’re describing makes me uncomfortable. Me no likes the sound of it. Work friends, yes, but it does sound like you’re not happy spending all your time with her. I woudln’t like it either hon.
Post # 12
Not cool. Not cool at all. He should not be defending her actions against you.
Post # 13
My fiance has two really good female friends from when he was in University that he still hangs out with. They are in his hometown, so when we are together in his home town, we all hang out together.If he is up in his town alone, he sometimes goes to see them without me. It doesn’t bother me at all because I can see, from his side, that its completely platonic.
One of them is awesome, and I really like her and her SO. They are fun to hang out with, easy-going, and we generally have fun when we do things together. The other one, however, is not my favorite person. She offended me one time while she and the other girl were visiting our home, and since then I have found it more awkward to be around her than it already was. The reason I say it was ALREADY awkward was because from about the second time I met her, I got the feel she has a crush, or is even in love with my FI. He, of course, is oblivious, so I don’t say anything to him. I don’t want to make him feel awkward. She is generally nice, just rubs me the wrong way. We don’t see her as much as the other female friend, so I just let it be.
They are both coming to the wedding. I am almost half expecting her to stand up and say something when the priest asks if anyone objects to our union! I would laugh though, I think, because the look on my FI’s face would be priceless! I guess its the reason I don’t worry when he hangs out with them without me. He has no intentions (and is oblivious to the feelings I have picked up on), and even if she does have feelings for him, and she made it known to him, I am sure he would reject her (in as nice a way as possible, but in a way as to also leave no doubt).
Post # 14
I agree. This isn’t some case of a girl telling guy who he can hang out with. He’s choosing to hang out with someone who he already sees more than you, because he works with her. Now he chooses to do it, while you are alone, and feel offended by her??? It kind of sounds like since you don’t want to hang out with her, he’s saying, ” Well I’m going, if you don’t want to come, don’t.” But if that’s the case, he’s choosing her over you.
Post # 15
Yeah. Not cool. Even if her boyfriend is there, because I think if she hurt your feelings then he shouldn’t be cool with that. I mean, I understand that she is his friend, but you are his fiancee, so you should come before her.
Explain to him that if you had some guy friend that A) made him uncomfortable and B) disrespected him or hurt his feelings, you would take measures to set up boundries between the two of you because by him not doing so it’s like he is picking her over you. Maybe that will help him understand.
Guys can be so bone headed, I swear.
Post # 16
I would NOT be happy. And you need to stand your ground with your SO. In concept, there is nothing wrong with him having female friends. But, when a female friend crosses the line into territory that is unacceptable to you – that’s when it’s a problem.
Why didn’t he invite you to join them tonight? Is it because he knows you wouldn’t have wanted to join them?
If find it really strange that he would continue to foster a relationship with her outside of work when he knows how upsetting it is to you.
Think about it if the situation was turned around. If you had a close male co-worker friend that you spent time with out of the office and he verbalized concern over the relationship, wouldn’t you step back from it – because you were concerned about how he was being affected?
To me, this is less about possible infidelity, than it is about his insensitivity to you and your needs.
I hope you are able to talk to him soon about it and are able to communicate to him what your needs are regarding this.