SO addicted to porn and other unsavoury habits

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

The main problem is not his illness but the fact that he does not want to get help for it. I would be firm that he needs to enter some sort of treatment plan (maybe a sex therapist rather than a psychiarist). If he still refuses to get proper help then I would advise you to leave.

When he back tarcks or convinces you he won’t do it anymore it is an extended form of his desire to control and manipulate women. He is manipulating you because he knows you will do anythig for him because you love him. This is very unhealthy.

Sometimes the person we love and adore is not the person we should be with.

Post # 3
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Wow. I’m sorry. I’m sure he does have an illness, but it’s still infidelity. I think this is an extremely unhealthy environment for your child and yourself. I would be careful of believing what he says. 

I’m sorry but in this situation I would leave. He has to want to seek help. I don’t understand him saying he’s seen a shrink for 15 years but doesn’t trust psychiatrists. Has this shrink not helped at all, and surely the shrink is aware he has a a range of problems? 

Post # 4
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

morningcoffee:  You would be suprised by the number of people that lie or hide things from even their therapists. A good therapist will know their patient is lying but some people, like those that can hide an addiction for 10 years, can be very very good liars!

Post # 5
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

The fact that he doesn’t even want to try and get help is a huge issue. He won’t get better until he actually wants to, it’s an internal choice. 

He’s trying to fool himself if he thinks he has kept the online and the real world separate – he nearly lost his job, a girl turned up at your house, he has experienced depression and spent days in bed. Yet still he doesn’t seem to have realised how badly his own choices have affected your entire family. 

I think I’d also be wary of believing anything he says. Particularly given his mention of the Madonna complex – I hadn’t heard of it but having done a brief online google it sounds pretty unpleasant. The fact he has said he the thing that turns him on was being able to ‘seduce the girls into doing what he wants’ and practicing ‘manipulation’ is bordering on terrifying. There’s nothing in what you’ve said that suggests he wouldn’t lie and manipulate you – it seems he’s being doing just that for a while?

It does sound like he has a serious addiction and a lot of mental health issues, which I think it’s fair to try and understand, but if he’s not interested in dealing with the issues then I for one would probably have to think of mine and my child’s wellbeing first and leave.

Post # 6
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

I find it remarkable that you say he struggles to respect women other than his wife and mother.  He has disrespected you as his wife in one of the worst possible ways imagineable, and repeatedly.

 

Good luck whatever you do.  He sounds like a piece of work.  It also sounds like he is hiding behind this ‘addiction’ crap.  He just sounds like an absolute sleaze bag, sorry.

Post # 7
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

zainy01:  I’d leave him. He’s a brick and bringing you down. 

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I get the impression that he has absolutely no remorse about his behaviour but is running scared and hiding behind a whole lot of addiction nonsense now that he’s been caught out.

I know quite a few people who suffer from anxiety issues. None of them use it as an excuse for infidelity. Do you really want this hopeless life for you and your child? 

Post # 9
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

These aren’t the actions of a happy man.  If you love him and want to help him, he needs to get professional help.  

Post # 10
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You’ve got to draw a line in the sand. Both of you need counseling, and I’m sure he needs some on his own as well. Limit temptation at home. Put your computer in the living room or other heavily trafficked area. Switch your smartphones out for flip phones. He doesn’t need tablets or an iPod right now. If he won’t do those two things, then I think you ought to leave.

Post # 11
Member
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

zainy01:  He needs professional help. Plain and simple. It honestly just sounds like you’re making excuses. How much more does he have to do before it spurs you into action? He is hiding behind anxiety and coming up with dozens of excuses for why he shouldn’t seek help. This is not a man I would want around myself, let alone my child. At the very least he has an addicition to porn and he needs to seek counseling for that. The whole meeting girls/women online is something that would be a complete dealbreaker for me. That is so disrespectful and disgusting. Honestly, this just sounds like a total mess. There is no magic fix, here. Either he seeks help or this will continue and get worse. 

Post # 12
Member
4828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

zainy01:  Wow! He’s really a mess and I’m sorry for that. I’d leave him. Life is waaaaaaaay too short for all that heartache and drama he’s causing you. I PROMISE. You can love someone else deeply where you don’t have to deal with all this sh*t. Love is not going to change that man.

Post # 13
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

sounds like hes just being dramatic as possible so you start to baby him, forgive him, pity him for his illness etc. Its a really childish tactic.

You say you dont want to leave- but this guy is NEVER going to be virtuous. Never. You will just get better at denial until its your turn for a nervous breakdown. I would definitely leave.

Post # 14
Member
44 posts
Newbee

If he isn’t willing to seek professional help, I would say get out now and you may also need to look at protection for your child because if you leave who knows what mental state he will be in. I find that most people who like manipulation see no boundaries in who they manipulate. So, while he is certainly telling you he has no desire to manipulate you, I wouldn’t take that too seriously because he gets off on manipulation and I am sure manipulating you is a bigger feat than manipulating an online stranger. 

Also, maybe I watch too much Criminal Minds, but this just seems like it is leading nowhere good and fast. 

 

Best of luck for you and your child. If he isn’t willing to get help do yourself the favor and reach out to a professional on what steps you need to take to safely get out of the situation. 

Post # 15
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

zainy01:  I am not a doctor by any means, but outside of taking a firm stance on the fact that he needs to get extensive help, he also needs to not use one issue to mask the wrongdoing from the other issue, and if I were you, I would be working to seperate it as well…

Depression/anxiety is one issue (in the giant realm of mental disorders), and addiciton to porn – which in his case is very extreme is another.  It is ‘wonderful’ he came clean, but I would hope and pray he is not using his depression/anxiety as a tool to make you feel bad for HIM.  I mean, could it be that perhaps he has spent many morning throwing up from his anxiety because he was anxious about what he was doing behind your back?!  Absolutely.  Perhaps because he thought he would lose his job, and/or pay due to a demotion?!  Yup.  An easy fix would have been to stop (easier said than done, I know), and thus his anxiety may have ceased…

You wrote you feel bad because he is so beaten down/depressed, but please do not mix pity with unconditional love.  He wronged you.  He lied to you.  He spent many years hiding an issue with you.  You need to seek help for yourself, your wounds, your trust, and your mental well-being.  I think you deserve the time to see if these issues he ‘used’ or hid or ran from are issues that can be fixed, with the stipulation he stop bs-ing about why he cannot be helped, and really try to seek some guidance as well.  Stop pitying him please, and work to heal you, and then the relationship if possible.

Im so sorry, and wish you all the luck!

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