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That is sooooo frustrating!
I think it might be a good idea to sit down and talk about house responsibilities before you move in so that you guys are on the same page!
yeah.. tried it.. and he does his responsiblities, but in HIS time...In other words, when I spend a whole week pestering him to do them
UGH I hate that - My FI same thing he always says "I'll do it... but on my schedule"!
So now we have days - the chores get done on Sat and the laundry gets done on Mondays etc.
It really helps and I do my stuff on the same days so he plans to do it on that day and when I get up to start he shortly follows!
Good Luck - I hope you can work something out!
Ugh! Not fun at all.
Before y'all officially move in together, you need to figure out a plan for chores. Otherwise you are going to drive each other crazy!
I can relate because we were in the exact same situation. And you know what? As soon as it stopped being his house and started being OUR house, he did a 180 and started cleaning it more than me! I asked him about it and he said that he works hard for the home we have and he wants to keep it nice. So try not to worry about it too much because it might just work itself out!
I agree that that's frustrating - my FI is the same way...it's really just because it doesn't bother him at all. He can deal with the mess and I can't, lol.
I've learned with my FI that if I want him to help I have to ask - once I do, he is more than happy to help out. I think he's just kind of clueless when it comes to actually OFFERING help, haha.
This happened with me and my bf when we first moved in together. I'm a very neat person, and my bf.. well, isn't. haha. He'll do laundry and dishes and things that he HAS to do, and only when he literally doesn't have anything to wear or when there is nothing to eat off of. He won't clean the bathroom, wash floors, dust, etc. I swear none of this was done for 6 months before I moved in, and HIS MOM had done it the time before that. (Don't get me started on parents doing everything for their kids so they're barely functioning adults when they get older like my bf.) I did EVERYTHING when I first moved in, while my bf was playing video games. I wanted to move out after a month. One night, after a few glasses of wine, we had the biggest fight of our relationship over emptying the dishwasher. hahaha. But I rambled off a list of everything I do that he should help with and right there we made a list of things he would do around the house and things I would do. He's been pretty good about it ever since. I still wish he wouldn't procrastinate so much with stuff on his list, but he's trying and is a lot better. Communication is key. I would recommend not exploding like I did, and just sit him down and be prepared to tell him all the stuff you do. I think that men and women just have different ideas of what "clean" is. For example, my bf didn't understand why I HAD to clean the bathroom or mop the kitchen floor every week. Sigh. He's clueless sometimes.
I don't understand why you're cleaning a house you don't live in? It's obvious neither of them care whether you clean it or not, so I think for the sake of your sanity you need to stop caring too. Go back to your own place where it's nice & clean :) And make sure you have the conversation re expectations and chores before you move in so you don't have a breakdown :)
I agree with mountain.bride. If you don't actually live there I would just let it go. To me it really doesn't seem like it's your place to get mad at him for not cleaning his own apartment. I've honestly never seen a clean house that has just young guys living in it. Before you do move in together that is something that should be discussed. I've lived with FH for two years and I still can not get him to clean properly so its something we are constantly working on.
I just wanted to share some thoughts I have regarding this topic. And this is not meant to insult anyone...but I'm studying to be a teacher and we're taught that students behave correctly when their correct behavior is genuinely praised and encouraged rather than always being scolded for inappropriate behavior.
And I'm sure any person who has ever trained a dog would say it's important to praise good behavior instead of always punishing for bad behavior. (I guess that's the insulting part: me insinuating men can be trained like dogs...) But, perhaps if you acknowledged that your FI did come in and help pick up the garbage (thank you for helping me out!) rather than pestering him because he didn't help you further, perhaps he would be more apt to help in the future if he knew he would be thanked and praised for it?
And a key word here is *genuine*. I know it can be difficult to praise obvious things, "gee, thanks for helping me pick up YOUR disgusting garbage"!! but it really does work!
Good luck!
I have this issue (not to your extent) with my FI with whom I live with. Clutter and mess around the house, especially the kitchen, seriously stresses me out. So I had a talk with FI and it went well and now he's making much more of an effort to help. But, I still do need to ask him to do stuff and I guess I don't mind asking because he eventually gets to it. Talk with him!
Will the roomate being living there when you move in? Hopefully not. STOP cleaning their house at once. Let them stew in the their sty, then when FI comes to your place he can really appreciate how beautifully clean and different your place is. My FI is a total slob, and when I would visit his house I would bring my own sheets and towel. I would wear socks 24-7 so my feet would not be covered in dog hair and dirt. It was so nasty, but I never touched it. I was not his maid, and when he came over to my clean palace it was inspiring.
We now live together, and its been a challenge maintaining the house with him- but we are working on it. He said he never realized the work it takes to keep up a house, but our house is nice and clean- light years from his former home. It won't be easy, but they can learn new habits when they appreciate them.
For now, don't stress stop cleaning THEIR mess, you have a wedding to plan. Before you move in, use some of your gift money towards a maid for a deep clean.
@ Everyone :)
The reason I try and clean this house is because WE picked this apartment out together, painted it together, and this is OUR home... The roommate just moved in last minute because of school issues. He says he's moving out when we get married. As I was saying though, the reason I clean is because, I want the house I spent SO much time preparing, to look good. This place was a wreck when we were first shown it, and now, because of us, it looks great. I feel like this place is my home more than it is the roommates, which is why I feel compelled to make it look clean... does that make sense?
Was your FI generally more helpful/handy before the roomie moved in?
yes... Yes he was. So Im REALLY hoping that it will change when the roomie leaves.
I think it probably will - though that probably doesn't make living with the mess any easier right now!
Probably best to have a sit-down with your FI to estblish exactly when this guy is going to be our of the house. It might also be worth letting him know that you appreciate all the work he's done to make your house a home for the two of you. Emphasis on two, and that it feels as though you guys are less of a unit now that roomie has moved in.
(Bascially something along the lines of, 'Where's my husband and who is this frat boy who looks like him?')
I would definitely address this now - especially where you two are moving into this home together! I would be really frustrated, especially given all the effort you both put into renovating this place, and then this new roomie comes along and suddenly its the Frat House?
I live with my FI right now. We made a list of chores that each person was responsible for. This works great in theory, but the problem is that these chores are supposed to be done once a week (more often for me becuase I am on kitchen duty). He does the bathroom, but DOES NOT do it once a week. It gets so gross before he finally breaks down and does it. We also share a home office. My side of the office is neat and clean, while his desk is covered with bills, magazines, and computer game boxes. I. Don't. Like. It. He FINALLY cleaned up his desk last weekend, and it took him 3 hours.
Definitetly have a chat about it!
FI drives me nuts sometimes, too. No matter when I clean, he will find a way to leave everything laying around and play W.O.W the entire time without helping. Ugh!
I totally get why you want to make the place look good! It definitly is your home. You picked it together. Even though you don't live there yet. = ) I'd make a list of chores with your FI to makes sure he does his part.
when i first met my FI he was a total slob! Never put the toilet seat down, peed in the sink, left food everywhere around the house, we have been together for 3 yrs! One day i was fed up and went on strike! Which meant stick to it, no cleaning, even punish him by withholding sex! It works! Now he does all the laundry in the house, never forgets the toilet seat, and detail cleans the apartment almost every wk! He said he just doesnt want to hear me b****! He even told me that I trained him well...lol and for a guy to admit that, is a true accomplishment.
Thanks you Guys :) Youve been really helpful. The roomie's not that bad... I just feel like the FI doesn't do as much when the roomie's around. Said Roomie is thinking of getting the apartment upstairs(this is a house apartment building if that makes sense). I think I'll feel way better about it when Roomie can get ahold of the landlord and get movin!!!! :)
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I am so angry right now because i feel like I can't get any help cleaning the house. Its a DUMP, and I mean DUMP, and nothing is being done about it to help it, or prevent it. There is a difference between "lived-in" and "Pig-sty"... The FI has a roommate that lives with him, and he's generally good about cleaning up after himself, but all they care about is playing Video games....NONSTOP! I was sweeping the kitchen just now(mind you, it hadn't been swept in 3 weeks because I said "screw it. Im done cleaning") and the mountain of trash that was supposed to be taken out DAILY fell over. I yelled a curse word and the FI came in there and said "Whats wrong?"... 'cant you see that the floor is covered with icky trash??!!!' I thought. He helped me pick up the trash, and CLEARLY sees that there is more to do, and just walks back to the living room to play video games. Not a "Want me to help in here a little?"... Nothing. That makes me SO angry. I take time out of my free time to try and cook dinner, clean the appt That I dont even technically LIVE IN YET, and he takes ALL his free time to play games. oooooh, Im so mad I wanna scream.