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I really could use some good advice here…
A little background; I and my SO dated about 1.5 years before we got decided to get married. SO had been a single for a long time but had been in a few sexual relationships before. I on the other hand wanted to “wait”. SO wasn’t totally on board with that but respected my decision. After a few months of dating he wasn’t sure if he was ok with “waiting” (not having a sexual relationship) and decided he needed to take a break. He took time off but eventually came back saying he was sure he was ok with this, we got back together and finally got married.
For me, one HUGE con about waiting is not being in tune nor being able to communicate about sex and needs. Ironically in our marriage, I have the higher sex drive and it has caused many arguments and tension. I have spoken to him so many times and he understands my needs however he admitted he used to have a higher drive but kind of faded away through our non sexual relationship. On top of that he said his demanding job (he comes home 10pm on average), our financial issues and his focus on going back to school tires him out. Over a bit of time we learned to communicate about sex and argue less. I can see his commitment, no matter how crazy his schedule gets, he’d always always make sure there is one romantic night a week regardless of whatever. My drive is higher than once a week but I am gradually admitting and that with my SO’s ambition, long hours and stress this is the best he can do. I would be very happy for a bit more though.
BUT!!!! Recently I was cleaning the house and saw he left open a porn webpage with his login info prompt. I did a VERY shameful thing and snooped and I was shocked to see he has a lot of porn sites bookmarked (I know I shouldn't have snooped).
I feel very hurt. He was lying, why does he need porn when he says I have such a high sex drive he said he can't keep up with? A lot of negative things ran through my head and eventually I confronted him. I totally lost my cool and got all emotional he however was very calm and admitted to watching porn because he “doesn’t always have time for the real thing”. I wasn’t happy with that answer, it’s like he’s saying that 10 minutes with porn is easier than sex? Anyways he said he understood my feelings and will do something about it.
So I did ANOTHER shameful thing and decided to keep snooping to check if he really was doing something about it. I still see he is downloading a bunch of porn clips. I’m furious!! I thought he said he’d do something. Now since I’ve already talked about it I don’t know how to bring it up again. This has made me a suspicious person and I think he’s starting to feel the pressure. He says that he feels like I don’t give him privacy anymore. Every time he leaves the room I feel so tempted to check his history but the more I snoop the more I will find I’m sure.
I hate not trusting him. Should I just make one clear final talk and from there decide to trust him and let it go even if he still secretly watches porn? I’m so bothered. I know I have to stop snooping as well...Any ladies out there than are cool with SO watching porn? I need some assuring that I’m overreacting and advice how to calm down before damage is done! Help please!!
My first reaction was the watching porn is totally different than making love to your wife as your FI said. You don't have to worry about her needs etc... You said he's under a lot of stress maybe he watches stress to relieve tension.
I think your on the right path by having open dialogue with FH about how you feel...don't stop!
Just a question for clarity are you angry with him for watching porn at all or for watching porn instead of making love to you?
This is a rough thing to deal with, and honestly, I haven't worked out my own thoughts about it completely. What sticks out to me about your story is that YOU aren't having your needs met, while his are. In that sense I would say that porn is partially responsible for depriving you of your sexual gratification, and that's not OK. I would definitely talk to him about it again and explain how you feel after you've cooled off a bit.
I am ok with my husband watching porn because it is completely different from making love.
BUT my husband also tries to have sex with me almost every day! I usually have to turn him down!
I was very worried reading your post. I would be hurt too, I would be just as furious. I think there needs to be a HUGE talk!
I think what hes doing is not being considerate of your feelings at all. theres no exscuse for his behavious in my opinion.
but everyone has their different views on porn i guess.
*sigh* i feel for you honey
I understand both sides. I don't have a problem with porn at all, and I know what he means--even when my bf and I try to have a "quickie" it turns into at least a half hour, whereas we each could have done our own thing and have been done in 10 minutes. And watching porn and jacking off for a guy is lot easier than having sex for 10 minutes. I would cut him some slack because it does seem like he's really stressed out. Definitely keep the communication channels open though... still talk to him about it, but this doesn't really seem like a trust issue. Maybe you could try masturbating too! :)
Porn is not the equivalent of having sex. Porn is stress free and not really interactive. You can watch it when you're tired, stressed, or whatever. It's completely not an emotional thing. His watching porn and the fact that you don't have sex as often as you like may not be directly related.
In fact, instead of looking at is a bad thing, see the good thing -- he is actually interested in something sexual and can be aroused! For some people, their SO just really doesn't enjoy sex/have any sex drive.
You should talk to your H about how you feel. While he may have a lot of reasons why sex may not be at the top of his list, you guys both need to be happy with your sex life. I once saw a therapist on Oprah who suggested setting "dates" for sex. At first, it seems like a really awkward idea, but she explained that 1.) the more you do it the more you WANT to do it, and 2.) sometimes life makes it hectic to make that a priority. Maybe you and your H can try something like that for a month and see how it goes?
Thank you all for your comments!
@DreamComeTrue I guess I’m angry because of both of the reasons you mentioned. I guess I’m not happy with him watching porn for any reason!
@BostonBee That’s exactly what he said! First of all he hates quickies…sex has to be emotional and romantic. That being said sex turns out to take a lot of time (he wants us both to be showered first etc..). On top of that he said I’m demanding in bed and hard to please.
@CurlyDreamer Yeah I have to admit at first I was worried he lost his sex drive completely because he has given me that impression sometimes. So when I knew he watched porn I thought hopefully I could direct that drive to me. About the “dates” he came up with that method to ensure I don’t get disappointed and lead to tension. He usually comes up with our “dates” in advance and tells me to look forward to it.
I think there's an underlying issue to "just" the porn. That aside, you guys have underlying problems. Perhaps seeing a sex therapist or something like that would help you get in tune to each other a little more? He says you're demanding in bed, hard to please, it takes too much time, etc etc....maybe one or both of you have unrealistic expectations (particularly in relation to each other).
However, one thing I can understand that I think most people don't is that the whole "no sex in our relationship" sort of turns down the flame ultimately....I feel like that sometimes. Out of sight, out of mind, so I can sort of understand. But it was definitely a temporary thing.
Is watching it together or discussion certain types of middle ground sex an alternative? i don't know any guy that isn't in for a quickie! Maybe he'd secretly like something but is embarassed to let you know? Porn is probably a "quickie" way for him to relieve himself but completely without emotion...sometimes that's the thrill? Not sure. I can totally get your qualms with it--it's one thing if both partners are satisfied and you're both ok with porn being an extra in your relationship, but i wouldn't be happy with it if both of our needs weren't being fulfilled in the actual physical part of our relationship
To be blunt, I think he's being selfish. And if I was in your position and he told me that I'm demanding and hard to please I'd attribute it to the easy perfect women he's watching "act" in the porn. That because I have needs and respond to him in an interpersonal way is to much he would take the selfish and easy way out of getting his pleasure from a woman other than me.
What flags I'm getting are that
There's a lot of good advice in here. I have no experience in this as we're "waiting" to be married and we're both actually still virgins... but that's what i got out of it...
The above poster said everything I am feeling. I dont think its fair for some people to tell you to just write this off, there is a definite problem here that needs to be adressed.
This is a very tough situation. First of all, the most important thing is: how do YOU feel about him watching porn? I know that in my relationship with Corey, I have been very explicit in telling him that I am in no way okay with it. We've had (many) discussions about it and we're finally on the same page. It makes me feel degraded and I'm not okay with him watching it. However, some people are perfectly fine with their SO watching porn, and that's great too. But you need to know if it's the just the lack of sex that's bothering you or if you don't like him watching porn at all.
It sounds to me like you need to have a serious discussion with him and explain to him how you're feeling. Honestly, it doesn't make sense to me that he says sex takes too long but at the same time he wants to watch porn because it's quicker and isn't into quickies. Why not? I know you mentioned he things sex should be emotional and romantic, but trust me, quickies can be both of those if you do it right!!! I think you need to explain to him that it hurts you that he's seemingly not interested in sex with you but he'd rather satisfy his needs through porn. The key to all of this situation is communication, and like crebre mentioned, there may be some underlying problems that you guys should see a sex therapist or something about.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!! Like I (and everyone else) have said, the absolute most important thing is talking to him about how you feel! He NEEDS to be willing to communicate with you about this!
I'm totally okay with FI watching porn because it does not negatively affect our relationship and we are very open about talking about it (what he watches/how often/why etc). However, the one thing I have always stressed to him is that I would be very upset if he were hiding it from me or uncomfortable talking about it with me. I think a big part of your issue is that there is a 'sneaky' aspect to his porn watching. It may be that before marriage, porn was a way for him to deal with his sexual needs and he doesn't know how to bring that part of himself into the marriage. You two need to find a way to be comfortable with each other's sexual needs and desires be that through seeing a sex therapist, mutual experimentation, more communication, etc.. I do believe that sex is a very important part of being in a relationship, and you two need to be on the same page in order to be in a healthy relationship.
i am with bamm -
i am okay with porn as long as hes open about it. my thing is that i want to know if i am not meeting his needs. sometimes im tired, sometimes hes tired, and sometimes porn just helps when one or the other isnt in the mood.
i would be less concerned about the porn and more concerned about the lying.
sit down with him and be honest. part of marriage is being able to be open about each other's sexual needs. and that means being able to discuss things free of judgement and with an open mind - on both parts.
be honest with what you want talk to him and reach a compromise. communication is the key here.
This is a tough one, because we've experienced both sides of it. On one hand, your needs should be satisfied. On the other, porn is not the same as sex. Sometimes when you're tired and stressed, you really don't want to deal with the other person's needs and the whole process of sex, and it doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything wrong with the relationship.
I think you should keep talking to him and make it clear that honesty is more important to you than anything else - that there should be no secrets between you about anything. As you talk through these issues, remember that if he stops watching porn, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll have sex with you more, so don't confuse the two issues.
A final thought - we both work 60-80 hours a week and are planning a wedding and dealing with various family issues. It's definitely possible to make it happen more than once a week even if he's working a lot. Besides your one romantic night a week, what about weekends or mornings before work? When you are both committed, there's always a way ;)
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My FI looks at porn all the time. It doesn't bother me at ALL. I am probably in the minority here, but I DON'T have an issue with porn. (I mean, most porn...some of it...is just wrong/illegal...etc...but he watches "classy" porn? Hahaha...) Um, but anyways...it's fine with me. Sometimes I'll be on his laptop and typing in a web address and when I type the 1st letter of whatever address I am going to, a recently visited porn site will pop up. I immediate ask him what's up with that...and he tries to get out of it...but I know better, and so does he. I think it's just hard for them to straight up say "Yeah, I watch porn when you're not around...so?" Porn is just a non-issue. The people on there are 2D and it's harmless.
It doesn't affect our sex life at all, but then again...we are very, very frank and open people.
I caught my FI "in the act" once at 5am and was dismayed to discover he was watching porn to fill this sort of need. But as result we ended up having a long productive discussion about it which really helped me to feel better (my main problem was that I thought he was watching porn because he wasn't satisfied with me).
When it comes down to it, most guys will masturbate (with or without porn) even if they are having their sexual needs met. It's partially a habit and I think it's also a comfort thing. And, as some of the other ladies have said, it's lower pressure for them than sex because they don't have to worry about pleasing their partner. I know my FI watches porn on occassion for a "quick fix." It has nothing to do with me being inadequate, it's just a way for him to fill a need and it doesn't interfere with our regular sex.
I think that if you feel like this is interfering with you getting your needs met you need to communicate that directly to him. The bottom line is that if it really bothers you, it is unlikely that you will be able to let it go so maybe try to negotiate a happy medium? I'm sorry, I know this is a difficult situation for you :(
I'm sorry that you're distressed and I really don't know what to say, other than this sounds like a question for Dan Savage. Maybe write in to him?
I don't have a problem with porn at all. As long as it isn't like, an addiction or anything, he can watch whatever he wants. I also don't think that "solo time" should be off limits until both people's sex quota for the week is met. They are two totally different things... one of which you do for yourself and the other you do as part of a relationship. I can understand being annoyed if you're not get sex as often as you'd like meanwhile he is off helping himself more often... but I think the bigger issue is that you two seem to be not really communicating about sex all that well to begin with.
I think ejs's suggestion of a sex therapist sounds like a good idea. I think its a great sign that you're even trying to fix your sex life. It seems a lot of people have trouble in that area and they just ignore it and let that resentment fester. Good luck. :)
I haven't read all of the responses, but I did read some and KLP2010 is thinking along the lines that I am. It doesn't seem fair to me that he can just meet his needs by watching porn while you go unsatisfied because he's tired. Sexual frustration can lead to a lot of resentment and irritability and is just not healthy in general. It seems to me that the more he watches porn (and the unrealistic scenarios in them) the less he will be in tune with how you function sexually, and that is not good.
I suggest you do some thinking about how you feel and why you feel that way. Then, when you are in a calm state have a serious discussion with him about why you are not ok with how he is acting. I guess I would start with apologizing for snooping, but stating that this is really bothering you.
I think all couples are different when it comes to how porn fits into their relationship, but the fact that he is using it as a sexual outlet as opposed to putting in the time and effort with you, his wife, is a big problem. I wouldn't just write it off as him being tired, but that is just me.
I don't think I'm OK with what he's doing. I'm not OK with porn really at all. But trying to be objective here, I think it is really impacting your relationship, and he's being secretive. It's not unreasonable to question whether or not he does have an addiction. If you are church goers, there are often support groups for men. (I suppose you don't really have to be a church goer already, to just seek out the support.) I know my church has regular meetings for men struggling with this.
Good luck.
I guess one of the challenges of waiting until marriage for sex is not really knowing what your sex life is going to be like - but I think it is something you guys can get through!
Do you think it might be possible to discuss your sex life less in terms of how often and more in terms of how satisfying it is? I know this isn't all about him, but given that you guys waited, maybe he doesn't feel like he can really share what he wants in that arena and is nervous about it...and therefore perhaps satisfies some of those needs through porn. I think porn is ok, but once a week is not a lot, especially for a young married couple. Are you guys able to talk about what you want from your sex life?? maybe find someone to talk to?
My ex-boyfriend used to be addicted to porn, it was kinda disturbing. He has literally over 1000 movies on his computer that he downloaded from somewhere. Now, I dont mind a good porn every now and then, but this was crossing the line. We eventually broke up and Im so glad that we did.
Now with my current BF we watch porn sometimes together and its really fun. Maybe you could consider this option with him? I dont know how you feel about the whole "porn" issue and I know some women dont like it at all, but maybe it will help.
You know, I asked my FI about porn once and he told me "it's just something that's there. I look at it, but it doesn't mean a lot to me" I know that FI looks at porn, but I don't really care. We have a good sexual relationship and I am not going to try to watch dog him on what porn he looks at and when. To me that is something private that he does. He doesn't ask me about private matters like masturbation etc... It also embaressing to FI if I ask him about porn. I think that it's just an outlet for him.
I think you should spend more time figuring out how to improve your sex life with than worrying about how often he looks at porn. I think he may be looking at porn because it is an outlet for him. He may not want to have sex all the time because he feels pressured by you. Have a good long talk about both of your wants and needs. Getting things out in the open will help you build a healthy sex life as a couple.
I think a fair amount of women see masturbating and watching porn as a replacement for sex, but (as some mentioned above) it is usually just an addition to sex. I know I don't see them as the same thing or as one replacing the other.
However, you mentioned other things he has said such as you being too demanding in bed. I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about your sex lives (I think it is always best to do this when you are fully clothed and not aroused). Be frank, and try to avoid arguments. A lot of couples find that within their relationship they have completely different sex drives and wants/needs. It's even harder when you're already committed to a relationship and you find this out afterward.
If you can't figure things out and continue having problems I would suggest seeing a therapist. They might be able to help you figure things out better!
My FI is a porn watcher. When I first found out, I ask him what makes this appealing to him? He said he likes to hear it and that it is more of an audio thing for him. Which made sense since he he likes it when I am vocal in bed (TMI... sorry!).
Maybe you can ask him what he likes about it? Maybe then you can connect the dots and figure out why he can watch it but it's satisfying you.
I'm not an expert and only have a little information on this but could it be The Madonna Complex? Just from what I was told and from what I read, it sounds a bit like it.
Thank you so much everyone!
All this advice is great! Yesterday I was just so mad at him that I only mentioned my part of the story… I had a talk with him about a lot of this and although he didn’t say what I wanted to hear but at least things are frank and open.
First of all as GirlWithARing, firemanslady and phedre mentioned, my SO said sex and masturbating (with or without porn) is a total different thing. And forbidding him to watch porn/masturbate does not mean that sex will increase. Of course I don’t agree with that but that was his sincere answer.
Second of all, there are many reasons why making love to me has become a burden to him…and a lot of that is because I have put a lot of pressure on him regarding frequency and performance (I’m do admit and regret but at that time I didn’t know better how to communicate about sex and needs and may have come of pushy and bossy). On top of that the marriage prep process and all made him feel hurt that I am the dictator in our relationship and he has no choice but follow. In a way porn may be a lame excuse for him to do something that is purely for himself.
Well I guess we are trying to talk it out. As much as I am pissed off with him I should actually give him some credit for being honest and open. The fact that I know any of this is because I snooped and dug through his computer.
I accused him of being secretive but he said he didn’t announce it because it was his privacy but if I would have asked he would have been straight forward.
I lost my cool again talking to him last night and ended up accusing him of being immoral and cheating…so I guess that talk was not productive and he ended up being pretty pissed of all the accusation. When we both calmed down he promised he would do his best to try to minimize the porn and also take car of my needs. This time I decided the only way to move forward is to take his word and stop snooping.
I might rethink about the sex therapist someday but sounds like we need a marriage counseling more than anything since the source most of our sexual problems seems to be from something else!
Thank you bees for all your support!!
It sounds like porn is not the whole problem here; your husband sounds like he's under a lot of stress and tired from his other obligations... those can really affect wanting sex from your partner. Could he be depressed?
Couple's counseling sounds like it could be helpful (try to think of it as a positive thing!). If he doesn't want sex more than once a week in a new sexual relationship, and your way of talking about it includes criticizing his performance, you could both probably use some help dealing with the communication issues you're facing.
Best of luck!
I agree with previous posters that counseling seems necessary here. It seems like in the 3 months you've been married, you've gone from being a virgin (am I correct here?) to what your husband perceives as being "demanding" and "hard to please" in bed. That seems like a big change in such a short period of time.
It also doesn't seem like your on the same page about what type of sex you like. Your husband wants slow, romantic, emotional sex, and you're cool with a quickie. Those differences can definitely throw things off balance in your relationship.
I also agree with previous posters that you might want to have some "alone time" yourself while you're working these issues out. But I do think this is beyond just him watching porn.
I definitely think you should see a marriage counselor that specializes in sexual issues.
Now please take this with a grain of salt; I have strong opinions about this but I really hope my advice is helpful and not annoying or hurtful...
I was in a serious relationship with someone with very serious sexual addiction issues. For a long time, our sex life suffered and it was always my fault - I "asked too much" I was "too demanding" - things that were just ludicrous. He also said things like he was too tired, too busy, etc. However, he masturbated constantly and watched a ton of online porn. I knew a bit about the porn, but not how MUCH of it there was.
Because of the recovery process I went through after dumping him, I learned a lot about sex, porn, and relationships. Porn is definitely different than sex with your partner - THAT'S THE ISSUE. The person with the "porn attachment" evolves to the point that they prefer porn to the real thing because they can find "relief" without dealing with connecting to another person. For many people, porn is around their sex life, but it's really not a big deal and it does NOT affect how they connect to their life partner. For others, porn becomes a coping mechanism to deal with the stresses of life, which is SO destructive. It essentially kills the sex life with their partner because relational sex requires them to FEEL - the one thing they DON'T want to do. It's exactly like people who take drugs to zone out from their real life.
I spent many years in utter confusion over why my boyfriend HAD to watch porn every day and why our sex life was so ridiculously difficult. I thought it was all my fault. I really wish we would have seen a counselor early on who could have explained to us what my boyfriend's problem was. It would have avoided so many years of being totally CONFUSED and perhaps my boyfriend could have confronted his issues before they grew to be bad enough that I broke up with him.
I do hope that he is listening to YOU as much as you are listening to him. It sounds like he doesn't understand what's going on with him either and it does sound like you guys need a little professional guidance. It can't hurt, and it might help you both a whole lot!
I had the same problem with my FI when we first moved in together. The porn thing highly upset me, so we had a long discussion about it. I felt like I was not good enough for him. Over the past few years though, i think that porn may have affected our relationship in a good way. He now asks me to try new things. Sometimes we watch it together. Sometimes we hit up a strip club. There may be things that he wants to try with you or that he's into, but he's too scared to ask. Try asking him what he wants to do in bed, or take a look at what he's watching and try to act it out yourself. That's what worked for me. Good luck and don't let it upset you. A guy will always want to watch porn in secret and jack off. I think it's something that lets them have a fantasy in their mind and lets them relieve stress. Best of Luck.
@jaylii9, @Brianalaura You took the words right out of his mouth, for him porn is no replacement for sex nor his dissatisfaction for the real sex. And talking about his preference or porn with him made him very embarrassed.
Also as many of you suggested I have carefully thought about the bigger issue here. It started by me thinking porn was the big issue. But when I carefully think about it, if I my needs were satisfied, I might not be bothered that much or be able to ignore if my SO still enjoys masturbation with porn (I don’t know if that’s true but I think it’s highly possible that I could accept that as long as I’m satisfied right?). About our sex life there are probably more issues there and me forcing him to make love more often is probably not solving anything rather ignoring the real problem.
I wanted to share this with all you out there in case in might relate to you or could prevent any of you from falling into my hole.
First of all we probably got married a bit too soon before we actually learned how to communicate about “harder” issues. We met in grad school and came from different cultures and countries and at that time we didn’t see any potential problems that we might need to discuss before hand. I know for each couple it’s totally different though.
Second of all the decision of “waiting”. My SO is not Catholic and waiting is not important to him. In other words he believes that the couple should actually learn about each other in everyway (especially sexually). He was not on board at all in the beginning and needed to take some time off to rethink things. When he decided to start our relationship again he didn’t really agree with waiting but decided not to make it a big deal and respected my decision. A big mistake here might have been that there were many times that I’d stay over at his place as we got closer. Staying over, sleeping next to each other but sex was off limits. For me I had no problem because I knew I wanted sex but just wanted to wait for after the wedding, for him he was struggling and titillated and forced himself to find a way to not think about sex while I was always around him. I guess his sexual desire was decreasing and he increased his masturbating (he admits though that even in his past sexual relatiionships he needs to masturbate in private anyways so this is a need seperate from real sex). This period was the majority of our relationship so that probably effected many things. I honestly didn’t know he was struggling this much because I never asked, I always assumed he thought the same way I did.
Third, during the marriage planning process we finally came to know more about each other’s perceptions and values about finance and found that we are almost opposites. In the end my family pretty much talked his family into doing things our way (and spending much more than his family was comfortable with) so he still holds a bit of a grudge and feels hurts about that. The wedding turned out to be more about me and my family’s needs.
With all these 3 scars and the fact that our communication skills were not that great yet, I think there is still a lot of stress between us.
@hotchildinthe city, yes the result came out to being a virgin to hard to please within 3 months. I guess I had my expectations to what sex was like and got disappointed. Possibly forgetting that it’s not going to be perfect right away. I admit I assumed newlyweds should be all over each other and when that didn’t happen instead of calmly talking it through I kind of pressured him and made him feel bad. But of course I felt hurt as well and felt like he wasn’t attracted to me. It probably started on the wedding night when I was so upset he was too tired and asked if we could do it later. Looking back I know he was exhausted because he was doing a lot of work arranging stuff on this destination wedding. After we got back home, I expected sex on a daily basis and was always waiting for him to come initiate, when it didn’t happen there was tension and arguments. With his long hours and stress he begged for me to excuse the weekdays. I ended up nagging for sex twice a week on the weekends but I could see that for him physically he could barely pull it off so that’s how once a week happened. And to avoid me giving him a hard time we decided that we’d agree on “ setting dates”. That’s what I have become...the nagging, hard to please wife. It really sucks.
After trying to calm down, I think I might be putting the cart in front of the house. Porn and sex and my needs might not be the biggest issue here. It might be a result or manifestation of something bigger. It looks like there are so many times I have chose to be selfish and got things my way. I wonder if we can get through this?!
I really want to thank you all for leaving comments.
I'm struggling and not sure if I am really happy now. But I want to work it out, I feel silly to already complain when the marriage is not even that long yet.
I wanted to add we were engaged for over a year and lived together, during that time probably triggered most of the problems. (disagreeing about money, the wedding planning etc, not communicating right, struggling sexually etc).
One thing I appreciate about my SO is that he is open and honest. I probably should have asked more and cared more about him and his needs long before this.
@anniephd: Not criticizing your decision to "wait" but I think that's one of the problems that comes out of waiting. People aren't sure if they're sexually compatible until they are married and then it can cause difficulties within a marriage. Of course, with waiting, you had high hopes and expected that "newlywed" super-excited feeling between you and your husband, but it seems he is just not on the same page with that. Unfortunately some men are not as sexual as others and some couples are not as sexual as each other.
I think that this issue is definitely bigger than the p*rn (sorry, typing at work) and seems to have more to do with the relationship between you and your husband, including your sexual relationship and expectations from each other. Definitely look into counseling.
I think there are a lot of issues going on here--a counselor is definitely necessary. You guys are disagreeing on so many levels it sounds like--the sex, the finances, etc. It's just stuff you guys need to handle, that's all.
And i notice a lot of blame on yourself. Don't just blame yourslef--your husband is a big boy and if something bothered him, he could have brought it up, sat down with YOU and discussed it. It takes two people--so it's not just YOUR communication, it's his, too. So don't take all the blame
@hotchildinthecity, I totally get your point. At first i didn't believe that there is such thing as men who aren't highly sexual.
@ejs4y8, I agree communication is a 2 sided thing. But looking back at a lot of big decisions in our relationship. SO was very vocal but was always soft (not firmly insisting me to hear him out) and I did abuse that part. If you ladies knew the details of our wedding planning (cost of the ring, wedding budget etc), I'm sure you'd call me a b*tch, control-freak, bridezilla. I think it's true he should have make his point clear and firm and at the same time I shouldn't have been so spoiled.
Hopefully counseling helps, although I have heard that it doesn't always. I'll try to look up someone good around my area.
Thank you all!
Honestly, I agree a lot with Miss Snapdragon. It sounds like right now it's being used as an unhealthy crutch. Though it probably doesn't help him to open up too much if he feels scolded but I would have been very upset too and had some talks with him.
From some of your other posts it does sound like you guys are quite a bit different and counseling would probably help. You said something about needing to shower everytime before, so I guess that adds to the time it takes and if he's a bit OCD I can see how these things could then be a bigger deal. But, at the same time, all the habits he sees as part of it aren't necessary and he's got a few hurdles to get over so he can have a more healthy life and not use other things as a substitute for reality and his wife.
I'm actually okay with my boyfriend watching porn, it's not exessive and I rather that than him doing things with other women. honestly ive watched porn too and I'm glad we can both admit it. we live out any fantasies together though, we communicate well about our sexual desires/needs.
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