- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2011
I am having a really bad time.
We are on our fourth cycle of TTC after my miscarriage (at 11 weeks) in January. I’m on cycle day 33 and I got a positive OPK on cycle day 19. So it’s been about 2 weeks. My period is late. I usually have a very short luteal phase (7-8 days) and I usually get AF on day 25-26. I ovulated late, though, so according to textbook standards I’m not really that late on my period.
I also don’t have any symptoms of being pregnant like I did last time. My breasts don’t hurt (although sorry if Too Much Information but my husband says he thinks they are “heavier.”) I have had mild cramping but I remember my first pregnancy I had so much cramping I thought I had an ovarian cyst.
Tonight when I came home from a party I went to the bathroom and when wiping it looked a little… beige?? I put a tampon in real quick to check but nothing came out on it. Nothing in my panties. So I don’t know if this is AF starting or what.
I was on facebook chat with my sister and I was giving her this update (beige stuff on the bathroom tissue) and she started asking me, did you test? did you test?
She has been asking me this for the last 5 days. I was traumatized by the loss of our first baby, we weren’t really trying (just not avoiding) and it was a wonderful surprise; but I wound up having to get a D&C because the baby died inside of me but my body couldn’t figure it out.
I’m too scared to test, even with being late. I will be so devastated by the negative result (and I’m convinced it will be negative, because again I don’t feel pregnant).
I’ve told my sister this a million times!!!!!!!!!! I’ve told her I am not going to test until I’m very very late. I feel that my body is broken and visually seeing the negative result re-enforces this feeling and frankly makes me feel like shit. I prefer to wait and let AF start if I am not pregnant.
And still every time I talk to her she says things like why don’t you test? Why don’t you get it over with? Come on I’m right here with you to support you. Go pee on a stick.
I blew up at her tonight when she started on this. I told her for the millionth time what my plan is (wait until I’m incredibly late) and how she is hurting me and doesn’t she understand that? And she said “no, sorry, don’t understand, not a life goal.” she is one of those people who don’t want to get married or have children. I don’t care what her life goals are, it doesn’t take that much effort to try to understand and respect where someone is coming from!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just so upset with her. I’m so upset with my stupid body for not working the right way. If this is my period starting then my cycles are starting to act very weird. I’m frustrated and very, very angry.