(Closed) So are we going to get married or not?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

Based solely off of what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s just not sure if you’re “the one” or not. He still wants to keep his options open, if things don’t work out between the two of you, for whatever reason. Bottom line, he’s not ready for marriage, whether it be with you, or anyone. Who knows, maybe he’ll be ready one day soon, but it ain’t today.

Again, this is my opinion, based off of what you’ve written.

Post # 4
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

I can’t say for certain that he won’t marry you, but I don’t like that he told you “take ownership of my actions and that it was possible that we could be together for awhile and he may decide at some point that he doesn’t want to marry me.” I don’t know what to tell  you to do, but it may be time to consider seeing other people. Of couse, take my advice with a grain of salt-I  don’t have a ring yet.

Post # 5
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Some people just make decisions slower than others. Trust me. FI and I were together almost 4 years when he proposed (it’ll be 5 when we’re married) and it felt like hell waiting sometimes, but I realized that it had nothing to do with how much he loved me and only in that he was scared of marriage (his parents had a VERY ugly divorce). Does your guy have anything like that? Maybe he just feels that less than 1.5 years isn’t enough time for such a big decision? I wouldn’t fret about it just yet (I know, easier said than done) but if you love him, give him a chance to figure it out.

Post # 6
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

“So are going to get married or not”

Answer – Maybe. If it happens it’ll be a few years from now, at least. That is, if he decides you’re the one.

Post # 7
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I know it’s been a year, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s not a terribly long time to have been together. It’s ok to have the discussion, but he sounds unsure for now. Maybe he’s happy with the way things are now and doesn’t feel like making any moves that will complicate that. But whatever the reason, he’s not ready.

I guess you need to decide how long you’re willing to wait for him to be “sure”.

Post # 8
Member
912 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

1.3 years is really not that long. I think at the 2 year mark you could bring up the discussion again and see where hes at. It would really hurt my feelings if someone said they weren’t sure if they wanted to marry me, and ‘wanted to see how I acted in certain situations’…

Post # 10
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

What does he need to be sure? Does he need to live with you for a certain amount of time to know? I needed to know that I could live happily with my FH before knowing that I could marry and spend the rest of my life with him. And let me tell you, we had a lot of work to do to make sure we were both comfortable living together with our lifestyles (how do the bills get paid/ who pays them, what are the “quiet hours” in our household, laundry, trash, cooking, cleaning, etc?).  

What do you need to know in order to stay or move on? Is there a time line that you just need to know for sure if he’s in it for the long haul? Maybe not an engagement, but at least an answer regarding whether or not one will eventually come. If not, when are you willing the say enough is enough and call it quits?

I also agree with @jackndiane: about the line “take ownership of my actions and that it was possible that we could be together for awhile and he may decide at some point that he doesn’t want to marry me.” Is that his way of hinting that he is leaning that way? Or is he just pointing out your control over your own life?

I don’t necessarily agree with ultimatums but I do think you need to get your ducks in a row, so to speak, so that if he makes a decision, you know what you need to do, or if he doesn’t make a decision (by the time you need a decision to be made), you know what you need to do.

Post # 13
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

@JenniMichele: I agree in part and disagree in part. 1 year and 3 months is not that long but the OP is not unreasonable in wanting to have an indictaion of this man’s intentions at this point. I truly believe that what is a reasonable time depends on the age of the couple. I had a couple of serious relationships in my early and mid twenties. Both last 2+ years and I felt no pressing need to know where things were going. My current relationship is different. I am now 30 and if he hadn’t been willing to establish a time line after the year mark or to give me some reassurance that marriage would happen eventually, I would be out. Of course, I can only speak for myself and everybody views relationships differently. However, I think that at the OP’s age, 1.3 years is enough time to start planning for a future.

Post # 14
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@jackndiane: “However, I think that at the OP’s age, 1.3 years is enough time to start planning for a future.”

I never said it wasn’t. Maybe you meant to reply to Miss Sardine‘s post?

Post # 16
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@penumbras: “I guess he just doesn’t want to feel like the decision ultimately lies only with him. He told me he would like me to set a timeline so he knows how long he has to make a decision. I told him next June because I would be livid if i had to continue paying for a seperate apartment while basically living with him.”

Well the decision doesn’t lie only with him, but you’ve made it clear to him that your decision is made: you want to marry him. So it seems that at this point, the ball is in his court and the decision does lie with him. It’s good that you were able to give him what he needs for now (a timeline), and I would stick to that timeline. If he makes a decision by then, go from there. If he doesn’t make a decision by then, I would take that as a decision in and of itself. Make it clear to him what you expect by “next June” so that he can’t say, “Oh I didn’t realize…” if the time comes. I guess I’m just saying that make sure everything is crystal clear and you are both totally on the same page.

The topic ‘So are we going to get married or not?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors