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Hi Bees,
Time for another fruitful discussion! This topic has come up a lot recently when people ask me about the wedding, so it's on my mind.
The conversations go like this, more or less:
Friend/Acquaintance: So, I hear you're getting married this year!
Me: Yes, we're very excited!
Friend/Acquaintance: So, are you planning to have kids right away, or are you going to hold out?
See, I'm a very blunt, straightforward person. So up till this point, I've been answering this question without a second thought. "No, we're going to hold off on kids for a few years, see where we end up..." But it recently dawned on me that this question is pretty intrusive, and even though I'm a straightforward person, I would really never ask it. I may be alone in having this opinion, but I'm starting to see this "kids" question as pretty much the same as asking, "Do you have a lot of sex?", "Are you using birth control?", and so on. Not appropriate things for certain friends to ask you on the spot like that, and CERTAINLY not appropriate questions for an acquaintance.
*PLEASE NOTE* I have a problem with this when it's asked during a conversation about the wedding. Like, "How's the wedding going?" leads into "When will you start your family?" If I'm having a conversation with a person about kids, conceiving, etc., to begin with, that's a different story.
I wouldn't have a problem with this if someone like my mother asked about it, but I remember when my cousin, who is more like a sister to me, got married. Even though she and I talked about everything under the sun, I didn't feel like it was my place to ask her when she and her husband were going to try to conceive. It just feels like it's not my business.
Is anyone else with me on this, or do I sound completely insane?
I have a mind to turn the question back on the next person who asks it. "Are you going to have kids right away?"
"Hmm...well let's see. Are you?"
You know, I just shrug it off. It's not a very polite question, but I'm asked it all the time, and I think it's just genuine curiosity and something to talk about. I equate it to how many times I was asked "so when are you getting engaged?" or "what are you doing after you graduate?" - even though it's not always tasteful, people are just trying to make conversation and/or are curious.
But by all means, it's not something you should feel like you have to answer, because it is very personal and may be difficult if there are fertility issues. In that case, I'd just have a quick answer on the tip of your tongue like, "we'll decide when the time is right."
Yes everyone has been asking friends, family, coworkers. We are going to start soon, so I just say soon. but in your case I would just say when the time is right for us, or we are just enjoying being married for now. I agree it's very intruisive, but people are trying to make small talk I guess
I see your point, it is a very intrusive question. I think if it were someone really close to me, I wouldn't have an issue--parent, sibling, best friend, etc.
I personally wouldn't ask an aquaintance or coworker..and I haven't been asked by anyone other than someone really close to me about it. The only thing I can think of is this person thinks they're closer to you than they really are.
I guess the best way to handle a situation is like "My fiance and I have discussed it and decided to keep that personal."
I suppose. It's one thing to make small talk when asking about the status of your relationship. "How are things going with so-and-so? Do you talk about marriage?" That I can understand. But asking about your conception plans (or lack thereof) sort of feels like asking about your sex life. To be blunt, when people say it, what I hear is, "So, when are you and your husband planning to time your lovemaking around your ovulation?"
I could've written this, but you did it way better. I'm totally with you, especially since we don't even plan to "spread the news" until I start showing, whenever that happens. So, letting people know what our plans are on that front, it's really, really only our business...
yeah it is intrusive, especially when it's out of the blue. We had a short engagement so I would get the *lean in and whisper* 'are you pregnant' when I said how soon we were getting married.
It's a little awkward, but ya know what, it's a pretty common question around my friends. They ALL wanna know when we're having kids, and depending on the conversation, sometimes I feel appropriate asking them, too. It depends on what we're talking about. I don't feel like they're doing it to be nosy/weird about it, though...more like we're all going through the same things in life (newly married/jobs/mid 20's, etc...) so we're feeling out our friends to see how they're navigating life, too. But, these are with close friends...people i'm not as close with, i just shrug and say, "eh, we'll see where our life takes us" which isn't going to make them feel awkward for asking necessarily (i really hate doing that--most people have good, if not misguided intentions when asking and i don't think it's my job to put them in their places) but it's vague enough to satisfy everybody, too. And, for us, family just gets excited about having babies in the family. They wanna know when more are coming. But with acquaintences, i just feel like it's random small talk and I give a vague enough answer and move on to something else.
I hate people asking that. At our reception, people were asking us when we were going to have kids! I wanted to hit them! It's none of their business and I don't understand why people think they have a right to ask that. Some people can't have children so you could be bringing up a painful topic.
@troubled: That drives me crazy! The first thing people think of when they see a short engagement is a shotgun wedding! There are so many people who just want a short engagement, period. Sigh.
I think it's so intrusive (but people really are clueless sometimes). I used to ask it, until I had a friend who had fertility issues and I saw how much it hurt her everytime someone made a (seemingly) innocuous comment about how she should start popping out babies before her clock stopped ticking (obviously they didn't say THAT, but the meaning was pretty clear).
Now, I try to steer clear unless someone else brings it up on their own. And I'm thinking about my own response. Maybe something along the lines of "well, hopefully we're able to have kids!" And just leave them wondering WTH I mean by that.
What bothers me about the "When are you going to have kids" question is this: When you're single everyone says "When are you going to get a boyfriend?!". When you have a boyfriend everyone says "When are you going to get married?". Then you get engaged and it turns into "When are you going to have kids?". What is with all the pressure?! For the love of pete can't I just enjoy where I am now and all you people just be happy for me?!
I agree with MrsAsb that it's a really rude question for many reasons but mainly b/c some people can't have kids and it's actually a painful subject. I don't even ask my sisters! I mean, seriously I agree it's like asking about their sex lives. I don't want to know! If you have some happy news to announce, then announce it, otherwise it's none of my business.
I've said this before, but people started to ask me when FI and i would get engaged a month into our relationship. I'm not kidding - 1 month! I was shocked at the time, but learned to shrug it off by saying things like "When we're ready" or "You'll be the first person to know".
I don't appreciate the question, but it happens. I do feel like its asking "how much sex do you plan on having and will it be with protection." TMI! I'm with moderndaisy, if you cannot conceive it can be a very touchy subject.
I don't like people asking me, but i don't really get upset either. Unless you know, they've asked more than once. We got it a time or two at a wedding recently, since we are newlyweds. I usually just answer "in a few years after we do more traveling and selfish stuff" or "oh, we're too much like kids ourselves" and they usually laugh and understand.
Though if we were trying to conceive and we were having problems, I'd feel way differently, omg.
Hmm, I guess I'm weird because this question never bothers me! I don't think it's *that* intrusive. Kids are a pretty normal thing, and I know it's no one's business when you start having them, or if you want them at all, but people like to know where you're heading, and what kind of family you want.
Now that I think about it, I kind of see it as a nice question :) You know, that someone cares enough to want to know how and when I want to start a family.
Now, if someone kept pressuring me when I said, "Oh, you know, we're just enjoying married life for now, but we'll start to think about kids when the time is right ... " THEN I'd be ticked. That's usually a cue to stop prodding, 'cause like, I just don't know!
Miss Chapstick made me think. If I was a more religious person this question would not seem do intrusive. In most religions getting married is for making babies, so I guess I'll take the comment with a grain of salt and a smile.
I do think it's a pretty nosey question of people to ask. I think it's a personal decision. It's not like - hey, you're thinking of getting a new car, what are you looking at?
I'll be 32 when we get married, and I'd like to at least have a 1yr Anniv. before we start trying, which means I'll be close to 34 when I get preg. for the 1st time, so I wouldn't wait more than a year or so.
FMIL is super cute, she keeps telling me, "I promise not to be one of those mother in laws, but the only thing is... you have to get pregnant right away!"
HAH! She has no grandchildren yet so I get it. But I'd like some alone time with FI before we start 20yrs of having another person in the house.
My parents already have 5 grandkids, so there's no pressure there.
I may be in the minority, but it's never occured to me to care if someone asks. It's not even a blip. I might consider it intrusive if they asked what sort of baby making schedule or routine we were going to follow, but simply asking when we're planning to start a family doesn't bother me at all.
i don't like the question. especially because then i just have to lie to people, and i'm not happy with that. we do want to try right away, but we don't want to say that because than they'll constantly ask IF we're pregnant, and if it's hard for us or takes a while that will get annoying. but like i said, i just lie to people and go on with my day.
I think that is all a bit too much info from them to be asking!! We are asked about this all the time and we say "Within the year" cause it's true. But at the same time there is no rush.
@Artbee You made a great point about not telling people you are trying right away because then they'll ask or wonder if you are pregnant. I never thought of that! We plan on trying shortly after the wedding, but I'm so glad I read what you wrote. I'm not going to tell many people because then they'll be all over me asking "Are you pregnant?!!!" Thx.
When are you thinking about kids? vs the Are you preggo?? question are so different! i won't mind the first, but the second? Oh, i'd snap.
I don't like the question, but I don't take offense to it. It is socially acceptable and these days pretty natural to progress from talking about wedding plans to discussing children because that is traditionally viewed as the next step of a relationship. I would try not to take offense. I don't think people are meaning to pry, I think they just want you to know they are interested/care about your life.
This comes up a lot lately and the age thing also. I'm not even 30 and I have family saying that we need to hurry and get married sooner to start on children. Fi and I have never wanted to have kids, and I have expressed it so many times but of course the pressure is still on.
I've learned to shrug it off now. It's really obnoxiuos and rude to ask that when you're just barely getting married.
We used to get asked that all the time. My response? "We're going to enjoy being married for a while first- something I think more people should do. We're not in a rush." People stopped asking after that :)
i agree its a rude question. i have family members including a sister that might not be ABLE to have children, and the worst thing you can say to her is "wow youve been married for SO LONG now, when yall gonna have kids!?"
seriously none of anyone's business.
since FH and i plan on being a child-free couple (well unless theres an unforseen accident or something but we take steps to NOT have an accident) if i even answer at all (usually i ignore it and move to a different topic) i usually say "never".
I don't like this question either. But mostly because my FI and I have talked extensively about not having children, at least not in the forseeable future. People don't like hearing that for some reason. I hate trying to explain why we want to be a child-free family.
I don't mind the question (it is kind of natural since I work with babies in NICU) I am usually honest and tell people that we won't be actively "trying" to get pregnant we won't be trying to avoid pregnancy in any way.
I never found the question intrusive or rude. I'm honestly having a hard time understanding why you equate it with asking about your sex life? I pretty much assume if you're engaged you're already having sex. Nightly. The baby question is more like a "When are you going to take the next step?" which can be inappropriate, but isn't always. I don't know, I'm just not offended by it.
At my reception the toasts were mostly "You better have a baby in exactly 9 months" or "I want my grand(son)(daughter) now!" My niece and nephews and cousins were so confused by all the adults talking about babies that they thought I was already pregnant! Great. All my guest cards from them say things like "I hope it's a girl!" Bringing it up when talking about the timing of the wedding? Ok to me. Bringing it up at my reception? Fricken rude. Really fricken rude. If you're already uncomfortable with it, then I would tell your parents and spread the word that there will be NO baby talk at the wedding.
I found that back when my guy and I first started dating people started asking "Oh, so when are you two going to get engaged?", then we got engaged and the first thing that people asked was "When's the date" -take in to consideration we just got engaged two days prior! Now people are asking "When are you guys going to have kids?" and the one I really hate "You don't want to leave it TOO LATE!" FI is 29 and I'm 28- sheesh, it's not like I'm shrivled up. :P
Honestly, I don't think that MOST poeple mean to be rude. I do see where you are coming from though. It doesn't bother me that much, it depends on who asks and if they ask the same questions over and over. :P FMIL frequently talks about Grandbabies but she has since FI and I first got together, this bugs me more so now because for a while I've had "baby fever" and it upsets me when she keeps reminding me. Now my response is "When we are ready". I find that usually shut's people up.
I have no issues with this question at all. It is an issue if they ask why we are waiting or not waiting but generally the conversation ends at my answer unless I continue. C'mon, they are just asking because it's part of the song..."first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage!". :)
It never bothers me....but then again I have never really thought about it like that. Personally, we would like to start our family as soon as possible after our wedding.
I don't think that they are meaning to be rude just interested in what your plans are.
Mine is along the same lines but different. I've heard: "So you're not going to have kids right away are you?" As if they're passing judgement on if we were to decide to right away. Stupid people.
When people ask us this, my FI just says, "No, we don't want any right now. We just practice a lot for when we want them." Embarrassing? Check. Shuts people up? Also check.
I got this last night! My sister in law announced she is pregnant... and then the rest of the family was like " your turn eeniebeans!" Um, let me get married first!
i think it's an appropriate question for people getting married...no one wants to know if your on BC...they are just happy for you and want to seem interested in your life.
I've never really cared beyond it getting repetitive. When family asks, I tell them we'll just wait and see. When friends ask, I tell them we want to enjoy each other's company for a couple years first 
. My parents had kids right away and I think they always regretted that, so I want to wait a year or two before even thinking about it.
Ha nice post! I get the "Do you plan to have kids right away?" question ALL OF THE TIME. My FI and I decided that we were going to try to have our first baby before I turn age 30. I'm 28 and I'll be 29 when we get married. So we will be getting "busy" after the wedding. So yes I think its an intrusive question.
Lot's of people have their opinions about what we should do, whether we should wait or have kids right away, but nobody is going to convince us to do anything because we do what we please. That sometimes gets annoying when you tell them, "Oh, right away!" and they say, "You guys should wait to have children because...... " so annoying just keep your opinions of what we should do or shouldn't do to yourself thanks.
Ah see THAT would bug me! If someone asks, I don't think it's rude. But if their purpose in asking was to convince you to either do it right away or wait a while, THAT is SO RUDE. It's none of their business to TELL you when to have babies (if ever). So if it leads into that, then yes, I think it's completely rude!
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