(Closed) “So, are you going to have kids right away? Or…”

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

You know, I just shrug it off. It’s not a very polite question, but I’m asked it all the time, and I think it’s just genuine curiosity and something to talk about. I equate it to how many times I was asked “so when are you getting engaged?” or “what are you doing after you graduate?” – even though it’s not always tasteful, people are just trying to make conversation and/or are curious. 

But by all means, it’s not something you should feel like you have to answer, because it is very personal and may be difficult if there are fertility issues. In that case, I’d just have a quick answer on the tip of your tongue like, “we’ll decide when the time is right.” 

Post # 4
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Yes everyone has been asking friends, family, coworkers.  We are going to start soon, so I just say soon. but in your case  I would just say when the time is right for us, or we are just enjoying being married for now.  I agree  it’s very intruisive, but people are trying to make small talk I guess

Post # 5
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I see your point, it is a very intrusive question.  I think if it were someone really close to me, I wouldn’t have an issue–parent, sibling, best friend, etc.

I personally wouldn’t ask an aquaintance or coworker..and I haven’t been asked by anyone other than someone really close to me about it.  The only thing I can think of is this person thinks they’re closer to you than they really are.

I guess the best way to handle a situation is like “My fiance and I have discussed it and decided to keep that personal.”

Post # 7
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I could’ve written this, but you did it way better. I’m totally with you, especially since we don’t even plan to “spread the news” until I start showing, whenever that happens. So, letting people know what our plans are on that front, it’s really, really only our business…

Post # 8
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

yeah it is intrusive, especially when it’s out of the blue.  We had a short engagement so I would get the *lean in and whisper* ‘are you pregnant’ when I said how soon we were getting married.

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s a little awkward, but ya know what, it’s a pretty common question around my friends. They ALL wanna know when we’re having kids, and depending on the conversation, sometimes I feel appropriate asking them, too. It depends on what we’re talking about. I don’t feel like they’re doing it to be nosy/weird about it, though…more like we’re all going through the same things in life (newly married/jobs/mid 20’s, etc…) so we’re feeling out our friends to see how they’re navigating life, too. But, these are with close friends…people i’m not as close with, i just shrug and say, “eh, we’ll see where our life takes us” which isn’t going to make them feel awkward for asking necessarily (i really hate doing that–most people have good, if not misguided intentions when asking and i don’t think it’s my job to put them in their places) but it’s vague enough to satisfy everybody, too. And, for us, family just gets excited about having babies in the family. They wanna know when more are coming. But with acquaintences, i just feel like it’s random small talk and I give a vague enough answer and move on to something else.

Post # 10
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I hate people asking that.  At our reception, people were asking us when we were going to have kids!  I wanted to hit them!  It’s none of their business and I don’t understand why people think they have a right to ask that.  Some people can’t have children so you could be bringing up a painful topic.

Post # 12
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it’s so intrusive (but people really are clueless sometimes). I used to ask it, until I had a friend who had fertility issues and I saw how much it hurt her everytime someone made a (seemingly) innocuous comment about how she should start popping out babies before her clock stopped ticking (obviously they didn’t say THAT, but the meaning was pretty clear).

Now, I try to steer clear unless someone else brings it up on their own. And I’m thinking about my own response. Maybe something along the lines of “well, hopefully we’re able to have kids!” And just leave them wondering WTH I mean by that.

Post # 13
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

What bothers me about the “When are you going to have kids” question is this: When you’re single everyone says “When are you going to get a boyfriend?!”. When you have a boyfriend everyone says “When are you going to get married?”. Then you get engaged and it turns into “When are you going to have kids?”. What is with all the pressure?! For the love of pete can’t I just enjoy where I am now and all you people just be happy for me?!

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with MrsAsb that it’s a really rude question for many reasons but mainly b/c some people can’t have kids and it’s actually a painful subject. I don’t even ask my sisters! I mean, seriously I agree it’s like asking about their sex lives. I don’t want to know! If you have some happy news to announce, then announce it, otherwise it’s none of my business.

I’ve said this before, but people started to ask me when FI and i would get engaged a month into our relationship. I’m not kidding – 1 month! I was shocked at the time, but learned to shrug it off by saying things like “When we’re ready” or “You’ll be the first person to know”.

Post # 15
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t appreciate the question, but it happens. I do feel like its asking “how much sex do you plan on having and will it be with protection.” TMI!  I’m with moderndaisy, if you cannot conceive it can be a very touchy subject.

Post # 16
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I don’t like people asking me, but i don’t really get upset either. Unless you know, they’ve asked more than once. We got it a time or two at a wedding recently, since we are newlyweds. I usually just answer “in a few years after we do more traveling and selfish stuff” or “oh, we’re too much like kids ourselves” and they usually laugh and understand.

Though if we were trying to conceive and we were having problems, I’d feel way differently, omg.

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