SO asked me to move in but without being engaged

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you should move in with him.

You already said you don’t want to do that until you’re engaged. If you move in with him without being engaged it’s much more likely than not that he’ll take that as sign that he can do things when he wants to and you’ll just agree and play along, even when you clearly don’t want to. He may put what he wants first, even when he is fully capable of fulfilling your dreams, desires, and goals. 

A lot of women give in when they are confronted with this situation, and they go against what they think and feel is the right thing to do. Please don’t do that. He said he wants the same things as you, and he has the means and plenty of opportunity to get a ring and propose. If that truly is the case, then he needs to do his part and propose. 

My advice is to stick to what you said: don’t move in with him until you’re engaged. 

Post # 4
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

@rhokool:  I went through this same situation with my BF, and I am 29 as well. I didn’t want to move in either without getting engaged. I ended up moving in with him regardless to save money, and because we both have verbally agreed to get married, and know we are spending the rest of our lives with each other. That’s kind-of engaged, right? 

We want children as well within the next few years. Honestly, it was a good decision to move in together pre-engagement. There were a LOT of things I didn’t know about him even though we had been dating for awhile, and the relationship changes when you move in together. 

I thought I was ready to be engaged before I moved in with him, and I am glad I waited. Now, I know 100% that I’m ready to be engaged.

You guys went ring shopping??????? Damn. That’s awesome! Sounds like you’re not going to be waiting for a ring for much longer!

 

Post # 5
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@rhokool:  I also believe u should stick to ur plan. I have also been asked by my bf to move in with him before. But I told him I won’t be until we r both married. It’s difficult bc we would be able to afford a great place together and what not. But I have decided to stick to what I originally said…years ago. We have been dating for 10 years….so I think u should as well if that’s important for you. 

Post # 7
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

He said that money wasn’t the issue, but did he say what the issue was? 

While I don’t think you should go against what you had said about being engaged before living together, I do think that living together is a really important part of getting to know each other. I think it really depends on what his reasoning is, and what his intentions are.

Post # 10
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

@rhokool:  Now that I think about it, we agreed to a timeline before I moved in. We’ve tenatively set our wedding for Spring 2015, and already know the city, our colors, and who is in our bridal party, but I’m still waiting on an engagement ring too. Money isn’t the issue for us either. I asked him what the hold up is- He wants to surprise me, but doesn’t want to be pressured of when exactly he’s going to do it. 

Post # 11
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t do it. Moving in will only delay the ring, as it does for most couples I’ve noticed.

Post # 12
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@rhokool: I think it’s important to find out from him why he doesn’t want to buy the ring, and why he wants you to move in without it. 

The reasons behind why he doesn’t want to get the ring will be crucial in deciding how to move forward. Until you know why he wants you to move in without being engaged, even though he knows it’s important to you, I advise that you not move in with him. 

Compromises for situations like yours can be found, but not until everything is on the table. Both of you know what you think about this situation and why, and it’s important for both of you to know what he thinks about this and why. Don’t move forward with him until you know this, because these are important details. 

Post # 13
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@adayoruba:  That’s exactly what happens a lot of the time. It’s rather sad, isn’t it?

Post # 14
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Rhopalocera:  I absolutely agree with you. Everything needs to be laid out in the open before serious decisions are made.

Good luck OP.

Post # 15
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would try to find out what the issue was.

My DH asked me to move across the country AND change jobs without a ring, I firmly said no many times. He ultimately proposed earlier than I thought he would.

Post # 16
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Since he knows how you feel, and you’ve had the conversation before, and he knows the lease date … I’d not bring it up again.  I’d make plans to try and stay put but try to get a bit more flexability.  What is the penalty for breaking the lease?  Would your landlord agree to month to month for awhile (even at a slightly higher rate?) I wouldn’t tell SO any of that so that he didn’t feel pressured, but if you’ve told him no engagement-no living together, I’d stick with that.   I’d bet that he’s not bringing it up because he wants  you to get nervous and anxious and capitulate. 

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