SO being freer with money (preceding proposal???)

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think that makes sense.  My DH and I made that transition over time too.  Then once we got engaged we just officially considered everything one pot of money.

Post # 4
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, once DH and I started talking more seriously about marriage (about 2 years ago), we started to approach finances differently. We were less focused on mine and yours, but more of what would benefit “both” of us. We lived together, so while we didn’t combine finances, we stopped keeping track of who paid for what.

I think it is a sign of a step in the right direction for you two!

Post # 5
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

This situation is so similar to mine. My SO knows I like to provide for myself, but he’s the one with the much better income and savings. Now that we’ve been talking about a long future for us, he’s definitely more willing to spend on “us things” since we’ll be in each other’s lives for a while.

I’m not engaged yet either, but this thought has crossed my mind too! I’m curious what other people say.

Post # 6
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Very similar to my situation. SO and I are both pretty broke (he’s in law school, I work for a non-profit), but we used to be so adamant about “oh, you owe me $30 for the electric bill,” and recently, it’s become more of a “oh, I paid the electric bill, can you take care of the water bill?” or whatever. We’ve basically stopped keeping track of who owes who what and other than rent, just kind of take whatever bills or other expenses fall into our laps. Same with vacations. If I book the hotel, I’ll just pay for it. If we’re out to dinner, he’ll just pay for it. We haven’t combined our finances yet, but plan to do so as soon as we’re engaged. This seems to be us “easing” into that process. 

Post # 7
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Ooh, that does sound promising! My BF and I haven’t reached that point yet…but we also don’t live together yet. The only bills we share is our cell phone bill and the YMCA bill. And we split those in half. 

Money has been tight lately so I had to borrow some from him and pay him back. 

We’ll be living together in January, hopefully, so maybe we will start thinking about it as “our” money then. I’m not sure, we’ll see.

At any rate, that is exciting for you! 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

I actually had a “talk” with my FI relatively early on when we were dating about the whole “split-sies.” I didn’t think it was fair for me to max out running around town and the world with him when he made sooo much more than me. I was really uncomfortable with the arrangement and he understood. I contribute more proportionately which is not a lot and while it might look ridiculous to the outside world, so is my salary compared to his lol. But I think it’s great that your SO got an epiphany that playing even stevens can only last so long in a relationship where incomes aren’t equal. I don’t think you’re being materialistic…you want to share a life with him and not be stressed out about “your half” or have to think that you all are basing a lifestyle on the lowest denominator and not meeting somewhere in the middle of the difference where you can both be comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nickles and dimes have no place in love in my opinion.

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@QuirkySocialite:  I’m torn about what you said. I agree and then I don’t agree. I am lucky that we make about the same and have pretty much from the beginning worked together financially and otherwise (it helps when you’re engaged after 3 months).

I think I agree with you because my partner and I make about the same. If we didn’t, I can totally see resentment brewing if I am supporting someone else to live a lifestyle they can’t afford. If you can’t afford to go, maybe you shouldn’t be going and should save some money up.

It isn’t fair to be financially dependent on anyone, even a partner. I think that is a recipe for trouble. I would also hate to contribute $100 to every $20 that he did. That’s just me though. The issue has never come up for me so I am not exactly sure how I’d react.

For the record, we treat all money as “ours” but like I said there is no place for resentment or taking advantage of someone because we contribute to that “ours” pot equally. I’m confused and it’s too early for me to think 🙁 Lol.

Post # 10
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

It’s a good sign.  My SO and I just got a joint account which was his way of saying the engagement is coming soon.  We have been living together for 2 years in his house splitting the bills.  I pay half the mortgage, we switch off on weeks of the grocery bill and we each pay for our cars and cell phones seperately. I don’t have credit cards but he does so he pays that bill himself. I just got offered a job where I will be getting paid as much/more than him depending on bonuses. So I am sure an engagement is around the corner because the last piece of the pie was for us to be making certain amount jointly. whoop whoop!

Everyone’s financial situation is different and each person’s level of comfort in spending is different but it sounds to me that he is now thinking his money is our money. It could also be that he hit a magic number in savings and now he is willing to loosen up a bit with his spending.   My SO being a financial advisor wanted to have “x” saved and “x” income jointly before an engagement, “x” budget for a wedding/marriage, and “x” for having “x” kids. I think you get the point some men look at it from a business side of when it would be financially responsible to take it to the next step. Which I am greatful for because it means ALOT less stress for us in the future compared to others I know that just jumped into it blindly and too early.

Good luck and have fun on the vacation!

Post # 11
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsPanda99:  The people from the “equal contribution” camp are usually opposite of the “proportionate contribution” camp. People from opposite camps probably don’t make the best couples so hopefully they make the same amount of money so they can void the potential arguments/resentment lol.

“If we didn’t, I can totally see resentment brewing if I am supporting someone else to live a lifestyle they can’t afford. If you can’t afford to go, maybe you shouldn’t be going and should save some money up.”


For me, I could never marry someone who wouldn’t want me to be a part of his lifestyle because I couldn’t afford it. If he could afford to include me but would chose not to because he would resent supporting me, I’d think he placed too much value in money and I wouldn’t want to be with him anyway. To me, that’s the definition of selfish and that’s not how partnerships work. On the flip, this mythical miser probably wouldn’t want my broke ass anyway but if he did, I’ll be damned if he’s taking glamorous trips around the world and telling me to stay home and save money lol.

 

Post # 12
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@Creiddylad:  In my relationship, I work FT, have already finished school, have a great job and have become pretty decent with money, and my SO is a PhD candidate in his 6th year of school.  We joke that I make more than double his student stipend, which is true, and so because of this I do take care of things more for US- and he does what he can.

I think in the beginning he wanted to be very official and go dutch about everything, except when he was taking me out on a date (he paid the first 3 dates I can remember even though I had offered to half the bill).  It was very sweet but after things started to get very serious about a year/year and a half ago, I just started paying for whatever and didn’t care because I just didn’t want to stress him out or make him feel like we couldn’t enjoy LIFE as a couple while he was still a student.

It’s not up to me when we get engaged, married, etc-but my SO knows that I want to be married and engaged, we talk about it when I’m not breaking the shut it up pact (lol!) and I know that for him it won’t be until he finishes his degree and gets a job and that’s cool.  But because I know that he is the one for me, the man I love that I want to marry one day, I have no problems spending whatever (I mean, he won’t even buy new clothes as needed! I don’t take him on shopping sprees or anything but I have picked up socks/underwear/atheletic shorts as needed because he won’t ask and will literally wear things until they fall apart!)-because I do see us as a unit. 

I know that he contributes when he can and he does talk about money in terms of our future and I know that he can’t wait to contribute more to our future (he’s a big saver and wants to save for the ring, the wedding, our honeymoon, and kids a certain way) and does not want to do anything on credit.

Because we have a communication where we talk and plan for the future-I don’t feel like a crazy lady who spends too much in the relationship.  I’ve had friends be like ‘Wow, you spend a lot for him’ but it doesn’t feel like it-and if for some reason we don’t ever get married, I wouldn’t be bitter or hold it against him.  I do it because I love him 🙂

Post # 13
Member
8910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@Creiddylad:  sounds promising!  Before we got engaged, I was basically paying all our bills while he finished up his second degree, so it wasn’t quite the same situation.  BUT – he definitely didn’t worry so much about needing to “pay me back” as he had done previously, I think with the same logic that we’d be a lifetime pair so it was our money.

Post # 14
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

that’s what we did.  we didn’t live together (long distance) but things started being less ‘I pay for this, you pay for that’ and more like ‘I got us tickets’ the closer we got to getting married.   

while we were still dating (but more seiously), DH and I decided to start an account that we’d both put money into for “stuff”.  We made about the same so I’d throw in $200 and he’d put in $250 or whatever he could afford that pay period.  We used this account to go on vacation and do things together.  

sounds like he’s trying to move it that way! just remember to enjoy the now

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My SO started out really, really tight with money and he was known in our friendgroup for being a cheapskate. It made me pretty uncomfortable and resentful over the course of our first few years together. Quite a few times, I would come visit him ($1200+ plane ticket) and he would still ask me about paying him back or “owing him” money for dinners out or movie tickets or whatever. As everybody knows, money isn’t the easiest thing to talk about and I am especially awkward about confrontation, but I eventually spelled out my feelings about it. Things got so much better! (Who would’ve guessed actually communicating could fix things?! Tongue Out) After we moved in together there were some more financial growing pains, but after we combined finances at the start of this year are we finally really comfortable about money and saw things as “ours,” not “yours and mine” It’s so much nicer this way and there really aren’t any resentful feelings on either side now. We feel much more like a team! A couple we are good friends with fight about money constantly (in front of us)…if we’re out to dinner with them they argue about who paid the electric bill last, who paid more for groceries, who “owes” who– it seems more divisive this way and counterproductive to the cohesiveness of the couple. Obviously lots of people keep separate accounts very successfully, but for us it works out better this way. I think a lot of people gravitate toward this financial model when marriage becomes a more serious prospect 🙂

 

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