S/O – Best friend and BM might go to Paris instead of my wedding

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@frommisstomrs.:  If she’s your best friend, I think you can tell her bluntly that it’s important to have her there.  However, it’s her life and her decision to travel as she sees fit.  Only you know your relationship well enough to know if her going to Paris is meant as a slight, or a sign of mis-matched priorities that will cost your the friendship, or just something that will be ironed over with time.

Post # 4
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@frommisstomrs.:  Hmmm – normally if she’s just traveling I would say she should go to the wedding and go another time but study abroad is not always a once in a lifetime kind of thing.

 

But then I also see it’s only for a month.  Most study abroad trips last at least a few months.  I know I wouldn’t trade my study abroad experience for anything.

 

She can’t push it off to another semester or year?  This makes it kind of tricky… 

 

Post # 5
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would try to just look at all the positives and not let this bring me down.

At least she is going there for a productive reason – to study – she hasn’t just planned a vacation. You say since they are wealthy this isn’t a once in a lifetime chance, what if there is a once in a life time opportunity when going there for her studies? What if in the future they can’t afford to send her? You need to have a good understanding of what kind of opportunity this is for her and if she’d be willing to reschedule.

The whole concept of no one cares as much as you do certainly applies here – also the fact that your wedding is just one day of the month when she has month long plans.

You can always have her look into the possibility of delaying her departure if possible (if plans haven’t been set in stone it could be easy) or you could just get together with her before the wedding and almost have your own celebration together.

Post # 7
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@frommisstomrs.:  Study abroad is much different than just traveling. Planning the right time can be really difficult – I’m also studying abroad this summer, and this particular time frame is the only time that will work for me and my schedule. It’s an experience that’s incredibly important to me, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m sorry that the dates conflict, and I understand that it sucks and you’re hurt, but it’s not like she’s planning a vacation during your wedding. If I had to make the decision, I would make the same one. Missing my best friends wedding would suck, but I would regret the decision to not study abroad for years and years. 

Post # 8
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think you need to flip the situation around, and think about what you would want for her, if this was someone else’s wedding. Study is important, and while it may not be a once in a lifetime deal, she’s probably been working for this for a long time.

I’d love to study in the US, but it will take a long time studying in the UK before I am able to do this.

It’s probably taken a lot for your best friend to tell you about the study, which means she probably really wants it. The fact that she’s offering to put it off for the wedding shows her to be the great friend that you love. Although it would suck not having her physically there on your big day, I think you know deep down that to be a great friend too, you need to make peace with this and let her go to Paris.

 

Though your wedding is a big day, remember, it’s actually about the marriage, and I’ll bet this girl intends to be around for every day of that part of your life. I know it’s hard but I’m sure you care about her a great deal, so I hope it all works out.

Post # 9
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should be happy for  her and wish her well.  Yes this is your wedding but it also her education and a great opportunity.  This is nothing like the Hawaii thread.  Which reminds me – I need to go see how that is going.

Post # 10
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you have the right to be upset for sure. Everyone is saying how studying abroad is important and a big deal. Um, you know what I did on study abroad? Went to the minimal amount of classes, then did as much sight-seeing and eating, drinking, and socializing as I possibly could. My classes were a joke but they were meant to be. It’s not like I took biology in Spanish – they were all Spanish language and culture classes. Mine was just under 3 months in the summer. I can only imagine that one month is even more lax and recreational.

I think I’d speak up and ask why she isn’t going in July instead. Maybe she has a better reason than the $100 difference, but if not, maybe it will give her a reality check. 

Post # 11
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I agree with the PP who said that this is nothing like the Hawaii thread, other than that it involves someone not going to someone else’s wedding because of ‘travel’ plans.

So, from reading your reply, I see that the 300 is only offered in JUNE and the 400 is offered in July. You understand that typically 3– things means junior level and 4– things means senior level, right? (unless its like 3300 and 3400), but they aren’t the same course, and usually the higher number indicates that the lower number is a prequesite. Following most college/university number systems, she would likely be wasting her time going to the 400 one, if she was even eligable for that, so get the idea out of your head right now that she could go in July and that the only difference is a number. The number typically means a lot.

Also, education will always take priority over a party in my book. Your wedding is a very special, very amazing event, but a party none-the-less. She is not just wanting to go on a vacation, and pushing this course back could drastically affect her entire university timeline – she can’t just wait until next summer to take this course because that would mean putting this course on hold for an entire year, and for all she knows it won’t be offered next summer! I know my study abroad to Japan was only offered every 3 years, so I jumped at the chance to go! Also, you might have had the wedding planned for two years, but your friend has no control over when they have this program scheduled. I am sure it was tough for her to chose, but regardless, I think that in a situation like this her life is far more important to her than your wedding, and rightly so. You never know, postpoining this course could mean that she either doesn’t graduate on time, or to graduate on time she would have to pass studying abroad. Neither of which are fair options for her.

I understand that you are hurt and sad over this, but she is your friend, and you should try to change from being “pretend” happy for her to being REAL happy for her. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell her that you want her to put her life on HOLD for your wedding. Do not lay that kind of guilt on her, she’s done nothing to deserve it. Yes, her family may be wealthy, but I doubt they have the kind of wealth or conntections to set up a study abroad program for her. Wealth can’t provide everything for people, and I really dislike when people use other people’s wealth as a reason why they should sacrafice or put their lives on hold for them. You honestly have no idea what their financial status truly is, you can only speculate, so get that out of your head right now too. They could be struggling with debt from careless spending or something, and you might never know. Unless you are their financial planner, of course.

Post # 12
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@208bride:  It’s not $300 vs $400 its course levels 300 and 400, meaning they aren’t the same course. If she hasn’t done 300 she likely doesn’t qualify for 400. And yeah, study abroad programs aren’t like you’ve got your nose to the books the entire time, but I’m sure you didn’t have to take those courses when you got back, did you? I am sure that you didn’t have to take time out of the traditional school year to complete those courses. I am sure that you didn’t have to put your education on hold or risk not graduating on time.

The fact is, she is still getting credit for those courses. Studying abroad also is a good thing to put on an application for many jobs. There is SO much more to studying abroad than just being a strict studier. Just because it is school doesn’t mean it can’t be fun, and just because it is also fun doesn’t mean it isn’t important and that she should just go to a wedding and put her education on hold.

Post # 14
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@frommisstomrs.:  From this post you come off as very self-centered. You did not mention that she said it was a viable option, you said the “only difference”. With my school, even abroad programs followed the pre-req rule, and the same with the schools my friends and siblings attended. Are the materials covered exactly the same? Is every single thing exactly the same? Is there something else she was planning on doing in July? You didn’t provide all the details, yet you expect people not to make common assumptions based off what you did provide?

It sounds as if you just want people to tell you that your friend is a horrible person and that she should go to your wedding. And again, you have no right to bring up their finances, as again, you HAVE NO CLUE what their actual bank balances are. Family or not. Also, you never mentioned that she was family. You said “my best friend since elementary school”. If the person was a family member I would say “my cousin and best friend” or make some mention that she is my family. You also said “her family”, which would point towards not being your family. It is not that far of a stretch to assume what I did.

But again, unless you have direct access to their bank accounts, you have no clue, and it doesn’t change the fact that someone else’s wealth doesn’t give you the right to use it as an excuse.

Also, settle down. There is no reason to curse.

Post # 16
Member
1208 posts
Bumble bee

If it was just a personal vacation I’d be really upset, but as its study abroad I can understand that. It still sucks, but it’s for a more understandable and really important reason. Study abroad programs are REALLY hard to get into. I don’t understand how her family having money matters?

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors