Post # 1
So FI and I have been having diagreements lately and a lot of it has to do with the fact that, ive had a lot happen to me in my past. Ive been lied to and cheated on and I know ive finally found someone who would never do that to me. But im more worried about the fact that people can say whatever they want and just do something completely different. It’s actions that matter rather than words. He says he will never change his mind about how he feels about me, and I tell him to not promise something that no one can keep. That you cant say you wont wake up one morning and feel differently. No one can promise that. But he is insistent. And I tell him that no one plans on getting married if they know they are going to divorce in a few years or fall out of love. No one plans for that, it just happens. And I tell him that he of all people should know. His parents divorced when he was young, and now his mom is getting divorced again to her second husband.
My point is, what do you think that does to someone? Do you think that their children are almost certainly doomed for the same fate? Or do you think it does the opposite, like FI, and makes them have that much more conviction for the opposite? Or do you think there is no correlation.
This ought to be under “psychology” or something :p
Post # 3
@xSparr0w: Well, I don’t think you should keep pushing him about his commitment to you. I mean, there is no winning for him in that conversation. Either he says that he vows to be with you forever, and never hurt you, and you push back and say that he can’t promise that… or he says, you’re right, I’m not going to say I’ll love you forever because one day I might wake up and decide that I can’t stand to be by your side anymore. Doesn’t sound very endearing.
I’m sure the correlation between children of divorce and volatile relationships has been studied, if you’re interested in doing some internet research. Ultimately, it probably varies from person to person.
Post # 4
@QueensBee: Its not that im pushing him in any direction. Im just asking him to entertain the thought that things can change. I dont know, maybe im too realistic for my own good, borderlining on pessimism!!
Post # 5
Both DH and I have dads who are currently married to their third wives and moms who have been divorced twice. I know that we both had a “why bother” attitude toward marriage, but we’re over it and it’s also made us that more dedicated to making our marriage work. Neither of us had “dreamed” of marriage or idealized it, so we weren’t eager to get engaged or married but once we started that process we realized how right it was and we are so excited to be married to each other now 🙂
Post # 6
I think this is a case by case thing. I do think statistics reveal children of divorced homes divorce at higher rates (no citation here, I just remember reading this at some point) bu I also think people are capable of mastering their own destiny if they want to.
I have seen people come out of “broken” homes taking marriage and family values even MORE seriously than the average person due to not wanting to put their own spouses and children through that experience…..and I have also seen people who (in my opinion) clearly don’t value marriage and stability as much as would want my partner to value it.
So — I think this all depends on your SO. I think love and compatability are only PART of the marriage equation. At some point you make a decision and a commitment to the person. No, you CAN’T promise you will 100% love your partner forever and ever, but you absolutely CAN promise that you are committed and will remain that way for life. To me that’s the difference. It takes work to stay married, and two people must make the decision to stay commited and put in that work even when they do wake up not feeling over the moon for their partner every morning.
I would have a really open and honest conversation with my SO not just about how much you love eachother or whether you believe you will love eachother forever — but about how you each view MARRIAGE. Is it a serious, binding commitment that is not to be forsaken but for extremely extinuating circumstances (abuse, adultery, etc)? Or is it something that can be undone if and when you don’t feel as excited about eachother as you do at this moment (because I believe that will happen at some point for EVERYone, that is life)? If he truly views it as something he will honor as a serious commitment forever and will work with you on keeping it healthy and happy and getting back “up” when it reaches a “down,” then how his parents choose to live their lives wouldnt matter so much to me.
Post # 7
Both my fiance and I come from divorced families, making us 168% more likely to divorce ourselves than if we’d come from intact families.
Post # 8
I am from a broken home. It is a good example of what NOT to do in a marriage or to your family. I will NEVER act the way my parents did and I will NEVER expose my children to that. Sorry, but these sort of statements really piss me off.
Post # 9
There is no possible way that coming from a broken home could mean you are destined for the same. Some people repeat patterns in life, but that is the thing- it is called “repair or repeat.” You can choose to work on yourself (repair yourself) and keep those things from repeating (and not just relationship wise- often the case is how parent’s treat their children- some repeat the negative behaviors/ ways they were treated as children, other people repair themselves so as not to repeat abuse etc.)
OP, I think that you should consider working out your personal feelings and worries about trust, because that can actually damage your relationship. People can promise that, because being in love and married is a commitment as much as a “feeling.”
I never thought I would marry. My mum has been married 4 times. With DH it just happened very naturally and was right, and I have never doubted his unconditional love for me. It was something I didn’t have growing up, and found with him. I am fully commited, and we work out anything that arises asap. I think a lasting relationship is about continually working on it and being dedicated to that.
Also, you can’t compare your situation with anyone else’s. I know people that get married for the wrong reasons, people that have a lot of personal issues they did not work out prior (the list goes on and on)- so I wouldn’t just blanket relationships by saying “no one plans on getting divorced.” It is much more complicated than that and every single person and relatonship is different.
Post # 10
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@xSparr0w: It depends. Children learn behaviors and how to manage relationships from their parents. However, it is possible for them to realize when they are older that those relationships were bad and then decide to treat their own adult relationships differently.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
Soething like this can really only be judged on a case by case thing.
My BF’s biological father ran off with another woman when BF was born, they met for the first time ever last summer and niether of us liked him much. His mother had another daughter by a different man (who I believe was also pretty lame?), and there was at least one other relationship that fell through. His mum has been married to a lovely man for about 6 years now though 🙂
In a case like this I think BF is determined to be an excellent man in terms of relationships and parenting etc. he very much doesn’t want to be like the men he knew growing up. Someone else might have been affected differently though.
Post # 13
I hate when people use singular statistics to justify arguments on individual cases, when it depends on the multiple interwoven characteristics of the individual. Statistically, people from broken homes probably have more emotional and abuse problems; more drug problems; lower education levels; higher debt; lower wages… etc. Do those things correlate with your SO?
Post # 14
Statistics ballistics. Noone but the couple involved knows what goes on in a relationship. That goes for parents who are married and those who are not.
I was twelve when my parents separated and it took them two years to work out a divorce. I lived with each parent for three years afterwards, so saw the good and the bad on both sides. My FI is divorced himself (OP that would blow your mind, wouldn’t it?). This may mean that I might have to work harder to understand how to communicate and listen and compromise, but it also means that I understand just how important that is to work on every day.
Post # 15
@polyblonde: This is really great advice. Thank you for that.
Post # 16
And just to be clear, im not asking for advice in my own relationship. I know what I need to work on and I know what I need to do to get over a lot of things I worry about. I was merely establishing a baseline for my question, which was, what do YOU think, statistically or otherwise, having divorced parents mean for the children? I didnt mean to offend (honestly I dont see how anyone could get offended) by merely asking a question. I was curious, not looking for advice/calm any worries ect…