SO commenting on random women's photos. [Warning: Long]

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

It all boils down to this: what can you live with.  You know hes going to be not 100% YOU GUYS, it will be others too, especially since he has to post that last post, which would make me even more upset. You will always be uncertain.  So, what can you live with?

Post # 3
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think I can give you words of comfort. He’s lying about just boosting their self-esteem and he’s lying in his most recent post. He is just trying to cover his tracks as he surely knows that you would check the website again.

Will he go to couples counselling with you?

Post # 4
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

This has happened several times; at the beginning of the relationship, after moving in, and now it has happened again. This has been going on for years, and he doesn’t see a problem with it, which means he probably won’t stop doing it.

I think you’ll have to put your feelings for him aside and look at the facts: he keeps doing things that you find very hurtful, and he’s done them throughout the relationship. Do you really, truly, honestly, think this going to change? It probably won’t. If he does this now, he’ll likely do it after marriage, and even when you have children. 

Do you want a husband that does what this man does? It sounds like you don’t. If that’s the case, you should probably move on. If you go into a marriage or continue a relationship hoping the person will change, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and even heartbreak. 

You should have a husband who doesn’t do this stuff, and doesn’t want to do it. That’s the truth. 

Post # 5
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

My friend married a man like this. 11 years and 3 kids later, he’s still doing the same things.

If he’s truly sorry, he will seek counseling for himself to figure out why he does these things. I’m sorry, OP.

 

Post # 6
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Ok I have to be honest with you, as I’ve seen this a lot in all my 46 years. He has no respect for you or your feelings and is being completely selfish and is gaslighting by putting the blame on you and not taking responsibility for his own actions. 

After 8 years together, living together 6, I would also guess, when you have fights he typically blames you. Am I right? 

As sad as it is, these are all signs in neon on the wall for you. He is a LIAR. Plain and simple and he is hiding stuff. He KNOWS you don’t like that, and yet has continued the same behaviour for YEARS?? He has issues that you can not help him with. He is being extremely immature and needs emotional and moral growth to get where you are. I have to be honest and say this is not the man for you. You can love someone as a person and not be in love with them. 

I would honestly make an exit plan. Spend less and less time with him, take classes, go out with girlfriends, open a separate account if you don’t have one already and save money to move out. The sooner the better. You deserve better than this. No ONE should be disrespected and lied to like that over and over, let alone for years.

Post # 7
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

This man does not respect you. End of story. Whether you can continue to live with that kind of hurt is ultimately up to you, but remember that you deserve much more from a relationship than what you’re getting right now.

Post # 10
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

BeeWithNoName:  A counsellor will never tell you to leave him. They will however help you to see your way to the best decision for yourself and help him to get some understanding of why he does what he does.

You do have the option of insisting on joint counselling as a condition of remaining together but that would take you being ready for change.

 

Post # 11
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

BeeWithNoName:  For me, that would not be ok. The fact that he’s a serial disappointer in this matter would put up warning flags for me.  I guess the tough question you can ask yourself is whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that you didn’t trust?  You would probably spend so much energy thinking about what he is posting, where is he posting stuff that you don’t know about, and wondering what else is he doing that you don’t know about! 

I have to disclose that I’m a bit biased about this, having been in a marriage where my husband did similar things. Over time it turned into a pornography additiction and eventually he cheated on me, multiple times. So I am possibly hypersensitive about this. I caught him by installing a sneaky keystroke logger program on our home computer, so I could call up screenshots of everything that he typed while I was not in the room. Oh my goodness, the first time I did this it was an eye-opener and not in a good way!  

Ultimately, it comes down to whether you want to live with a man who does this, because he is not going to change. I think you deserve better. You deserve a man who respects you, and unfortunately I don’t think he does or he would stop.   I know it may seem overwhelmingly difficult to exit the relationship but from someone who’s been there, it is worth it because there’s a guy out there who is right for you and treats you the way you should be treated, with love and respect. It took me 3 years but I am now incredibly happy with my wonderful SO now, and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.  Wishing you the best of luck in a very difficult situation. Hugs to you xx

Post # 12
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

BeeWithNoName:  I feel really mad and upset for you. He may not be intending to cheat on you, but he is disrespecting you, lying to you and making YOUR self esteem feel low. You should tell him that while he thinks he is boosting the self esteem of those young girls (which is just a lie) he is constantly lowering yours and that is not on!

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

BeeWithNoName:  Sorry but those sound like the trademark signs of a cheater to me. Maybe he has not done that yet but he will. I would put money on it.

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