- 4 years ago
Long time bee, first anonymous post. I would like to thank everyone in advance for reading, any advice/words of wisdom/comfort you can offer would be much appreciated.
My SO and I have been together for 8 years, living together for 6 [we’re both near 30]. Overall we have a good relationship, get along well, have a similar sense of humor, and are in love. Of course we have had our rough patches, but managed to work through them [or so I thought]. For the last couple of years, the only major issue we have had is that we are not engaged yet. We’ve had all the discussions about marriage and family, he’s been very vocal that he definitely wants those things with me. We even recently warmly talked about having a baby but agreed we aren’t ready yet. When these conversations were happening, we were both having fun, laughing, giggling and actually enjoying it rather than it being an awkward conversation. It really started feeling like things were starting to move forward.
We both go to one particular website where people post all sorts of things. He told me about how he posted something about me, asking people for help with a situation I was dealing with. I was curious what people wrote, to see if they could help, so I looked up the post the day before yesterday. I had seen a previous post he had made and remembered his username.
Then I made a mistake. I clicked on his username.
Up come all of his posts. It seems while I was at work the day before, he was commenting on and even rating random women’s photos on there. Did I mention that a few were in bras and panties in lovely poses? Or how about their ages? Between 16-28 [most being 18]? Yeah. That happened. Some comments were simply about some being cute, others being really hot.
To some, this would be no big deal. To others, this alone would bother them a bit. My problem? Similar things have happened in the past and he knows I’m bothered by it. That is why this is a bit of a big deal to me.
Let me explain.
It started a few months after we started dating. Both of us had dating profiles up [yes, we met online]. I had taken mine down. His was still up. I asked him about it, he claimed it was just for an ego boost. Eventually, after a fight, he finally took it down. When we moved in together, I was using his computer one day and saw that he had not only gone to that dating site but looked at local girls profiles the day before we moved in together. He claimed he thought he saw someone he knew.
Then the biggie. A couple weeks after we moved in together, I was cleaning and dropped his binder. He was out of town at the time. As I was cleaning everything up, I came across a note between him and one of his classmates. I won’t type it word for word, but not only was I named in the note, he even said he thinks of her while being intimate with me. He claimed this was a joke. This was a HUGE issue with us for quite some time and it took a long, long time for me to feel good about myself again. It was horrendous. Reading something like that, playing it over in your head…I couldn’t be intimate with him for quite a while because all I could think was that he was picturing her. Sometimes I almost wish he had physically cheated. To this day I still truly believe he hasn’t, but I do believe these kinds of conversations behind your SO’s back are incredibly damaging. I think he has a major self-esteem issue. And I also find the situations to be all very similar in nature.
Anyway, eventually I got over all of these things. Well, as much as I could. Maybe I just blocked it all out.
Back to the current issue. I understand that to some I could be overreacting, but I also feel like everything that happened in the past is just making this seem much worse. As my best friend said, everything adds up. Seeing those comments has also just brought everything else right back up to the surface again.
I went back and forth in my head for a while, but finally decided to say something to him yesterday. Of course, he freaked out, got defensive right away, and accused me of snooping. He said he felt bad for those girls, that they needed an ego boost [interesting, no? He’s all about ego boosts. Also – girls who post pictures in their bras and panties seem confident enough to me]. Then he said nothing was inappropriate and there was no private contact made or attempted. Funny how he says all of that right away. I didn’t even accuse him of anything. Not once did I insinuate he was cheating or trying to. I simply said I came across some things that I wish I hadn’t seen. He said I was looking for it, trying to dig up dirt on him. I was not. I’ve been perfectly happy as of late. I have no reason to do so.
At one point, I did mention that it would be nice if he would occasionally compliment me like he does them. He rarely compliments me.
Anyway after that argument, I won’t even hide it – I checked his profile again.
He had made a post about me and my snooping. Saying that he felt bad for those poor girls, that something in their lives caused them to have such low self-esteem and all he wanted to do was help! Golly gee. Oh and conveniently, all he said was that he told some “people” they were attractive. He also forgot to mention their ages, what they were wearing, and that he’s done similar things before and that is why I’m so upset. The first comment still sided with me, even with those omissions. They said I had every right to feel betrayed and he should apologize. Which he did, but I still don’t feel like he meant it, nor does he fully get it.
I slept in the spare room last night and today I told him I think it’s best that we don’t discuss marriage or kids for a while. I feel like everything was so hopeful, and now we’ve just been thrown waaaaaay back. I feel like I’m not ready now. I mean, is this going to be my life? Am I going to be going through these sorts of things every 2, 3, 5 years? I love him, but I don’t know if I can handle that. When these things keep on happening, after he swears up and down that it will never happen again… that I will never go through any of it ever again…. that I don’t have to worry. When will it actually happen? When will all of this stop? When will he be happy with just our relationship?
I’m sorry this post is so insanely long. If anyone has finished it, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
- This topic was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by BeeWithNoName.