Post # 1
My SO and I have been together 7+ years and we have a 4 year old daughter. In June I told him to either set a wedding date or we were done. He grudgingly set a date of October 31, 2015. Great! And for a while I was excited. I went ahead and bought my wedding dress because with alterations it would take approx. 18 months to get it ready.
Three weeks ago I was talking to my SO about continuing my education and finishing my Bachelors degree (Which is totally online). He said if that was the case then we didn’t need to get married until after I finished school…. I took off my “Promise” ring that he gave me 2 years ago that night and haven’t worn it since (Except when visiting my parents in Florida, I don’t want them to worry and feel like they have to move back here with me). He has yet to notice.
Well, we went to see my parents a week before Christmas, they recently moved to Florida. While down there my birth grandmother came to meet my SO and daughter and she asked about the wedding. My SO’s response….? “Why fix what isn’t broken”
REALLY?!?!?!?! In front of my mother, father, birth grandmother and aunts and uncles? Like my entire family was there just staring at him. Now my parents are calling me daily wanting to make sure I am alright. I haven’t told them anything.
So yesterday I sat down and wrote him a letter explaining all of this because I am a horrible verbal communicator. Give me a pen and paper and I can say anything, it just never comes out right when I am talking. I left the letter on the counter under the tv remotes and he said…..nothing. Now admittedly, he does take a day or two to think things through when we have discussions or decisions to make, so he may be thinking and will talk to me tonight when I get home.
I have no choice but to stay at the house with him right now, as I am not working full time and cannot afford it. I am finishing my Assoc. degree and will be done in August and will be able to then. But I don’t want to leave, I love him with all of my heart and cannot see myself with anyone else.
I am just so confused as to what to do…… Any advice is appreciated.
Post # 3
@woobie8709: Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Red flags: He grudgingly set a wedding date. He doesn’t see why you guys should get married / is perfectly happy with what you guys have right now. He doesn’t engage with you on the topic of marriage.
I think it’s time for you to evaluate whether you can go on for a lifetime with this man without a marriage and determine why marriage is so important to you. You both need to be on the same page, or you’re not going to have a very healthy relationship going forward and it’s going to affect both you and your daughter. Other than “why fix what isn’t broken”, can you figure out why he doesn’t want to get married?
If being married is a non-negotiable, then no matter how much you love the man, he unfortunately isn’t the right man at the right time, and you need to be with someone who respects marriage. You are in a tough place right now with no income and he’s providing for you and you’re living together. You will have to come up with a plan if he truly does not want to get married and you do.
Post # 4
That really sucks. But, to be hoenst, it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. That may have nothing to do with you. But it certainly does affect you. I think you have t decide which is more important. Being with him, or being married. If being married is important to you, I think it’s time to move on.
Post # 5
🙁 sounds like a tough situation you are in especially witha. Child involved .
To me, it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. I don’t know him and your relationship, so I don’twant to say that he doesn’t want to marry you, maybe he just doesn’t want to in general. How is your relationship otherwise? Are you happy? Does he makenan effort in the relationship? Is he a good and attentive father?
I know that writing it in a letter may seem like a great idea, so you can get everything you want out in the open, but sometimes if you want a direct response, you gotta talk face to face and try to get some sort of answer that way. Communication is key, and if he Is unwilling to communicate his true feelings on getting married once and for all, and getting married Is what you want, then maybe you should reconsider your relationship with him.
Everyone deserves happiness, and right now you don’t seem all that happy. I’m not saying things won’t get better, bc maybe it’s just a rough spot like May couples have, but I think you need to sort out all the other variables and see if this relationship is going anywhere. I’m sure your little girl wouldn’t want to see her parents unhappy.
I know that starting over is difficult and scary especially after 7 years, but you gotta be happy.
i hope you get the happiness you deserve
Post # 6
@melonseeds: He says he doesn’t want to get married because he’s seen too many couples together for as long as we have been get married and then divorce. His parents also went through a horrible divorce and his mother chose gambling and alcohol over her family. He says he doesn’t want to go through it. He had said when he set the wedding date that he had been thinking about marriage just hadn’t decided how to go about it.
Marriage to me is important because I was raised in a very christian home. I was raised Catholic, and from a young age taught that sex before marriage was a sin. To me, I cannot not appropriatly ask God for forgiveness until we are married.
I don’t know. I’ve been with him since I was 19, I am 26 now and feel like I’m just getting too old for this crap. He’s only my 2nd boyfriend so I think that may be my problem as well…..no experience.
Post # 7
Like OP, I often convey my thoughts far better via paper and pen than verbally. I think that was a good move as parts of verbal conversations are often forgotten or mentally interpreted differently by the listener. However, I do recommend a follow-up with a face to face conversation to discuss the key points in your letter.
Like PPs – I really do not think this man wants to get married. Obviously you do. It is important to figure out WHY he does not want to get married and why you do.That is why I think a follow-up conversation is important – so you can plan ahead. It sucks that you are financially-dependent on him and I know that situation very well. I stayed far too many years in a relationship because I could not afford to live on my own and I had no family who could take my daughter and me in.
I really don’t think you should force your SO to marry you – it will make for resentment. I really don’t think you should stay in the relationship if remaining unmarried will continue to make you unhappy. If you verify that he really does not want to get married (waiting until 2015 when you already have a child together speaks volumes) then I would let the topic drop completely and concentrate on your education and make plans to get out on your own.
Post # 8
@brooke25: He is an amazing father, I am truly blessed with that. And other than this we only have small issues (ie whether or not to have a dog). I initiated a separation before and we went through the whole court thing for child custody and through it all he never gave up on us being together. He never dated anyone else and still acted like we were a couple. (I know it sounds weird)
Post # 9
@woobie8709: Sorry, I was writing my post and did not see your update. I have seen a lot of unmarried people break up after being together for years and years. I broke up with my SO after living together for almost 20 years and the last 5 years were pure misery. What happens with other peoples relationships has no bearing on yours. Either he is in for the long haul or he is not.
Post # 10
Sorry for this difficult time you’re going through, HUGS. I am the same way, I write
letters to my guy when I meed to express tough/confusing feelings. Did you express to him how it’s making you feel? Have you articulated it to yourself? I would be concerned if he just doesn’t care or doesn’t sit down and have a conversation with you after you’ve told him this is hurting you.
Also, I could see him thinking why get married when I already have everything without marriage? In his mind, it could be that nothing will really change once y’all get married because you’re basically already acting like a married couple. So he doesn’t see any positive changes in his life coming from being married, just the possibility of negative changes. I think you need to work on becoming more independent. If you show him that you want him, but aren’t “stuck” and that in order to keep you in his life he needs to step up, then that might be the positive motivation he needs to start thinking about marriage in a different way. A positive step towards building the forever life he wants versus a negative risk that may mess up the status quo.
Post # 11
It sounds like marriage isn’t a priority for him. The two of you have already done everything that married people do, and maybe he feels like “What’s the point of getting married?” if things are already going so well without it. However, it is certainly unfair of him to lead you on when he knows it’s important to you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Definitely ask him what he thought of your letter – he at least owes you some sort of response, it’s so rude to just completely ignore you when you’ve poured your heart out!
Post # 12
@trueblue14: I have a feeling that we will have a discussion about this when I get home, either tonight or tomorrow night. He always thinks about things before he discusses them. We are both really crappy communicators. I usually get so mad I start crying, and I HATE it.
Post # 13
@Purplee: I can see where I came off really dependent on him. I work weekends only in a hospital lab, because I have clinicals during the week. I pay my bills (ie car, insurance, credit cards.) He pays the household bills. So it still stands that I cannot afford to move out on my own but I didn’t want to seem like a freeloader. And it is true, he has all the benefits of marriage without a marraige.
@MrsStayPuft: He’s one to sit and think about his response before we will actually talk about it.
Thank you so much ladies, even though what you are saying is hard to hear, or read, its helping me and I appreciate it.
Post # 14
@woobie8709: Oh I am the same way. I can communicate so clearly in writing but I get all emotional when I try to the same verbally. As for paying bills, I did the same as your while I was pursuing my education. Hang in there, you will get through this.
Post # 15
@woobie8709: To me, I cannot not appropriatly ask God for forgiveness until we are married.
I’m a devout Christian too. You can ask God for forgivness and also ask for a way “out”. If you have to stay because of financial reasons, then maybe abstain from sex?
Does he realize the situation he’s placing you in by not being married? You legally are not his next of kin. That may cause issues if he evers gets sicks and needs ICU assistance.
Would you be willing to move in with your parents while you get your degrees?
Post # 16
@woobie8709: it seems like from your original post that you are not prepared to leave your SO if he does not want to marry you, both for emotional and financial reasons(I’m sure having a child also compounds things). So in a way, this is all simple. Either you will fully accept he does not want to marry right now, and he may never want to ( and make peace with that as you plan to stay with him) or you don’t fully accept it and you create a lot of emotional turmoil for yourself, and potentially introduce toxic resentment While you stay in the relationship.
like other responders have said, it’s really prioritizing what you want. Is being married more important to you than having this relationship? It ultimately boils down to the answer to that question, because you can’t force him to marry you.