Post # 1
My FI proposed on christmas morning last year, I knew it was coming because we talked about how he would get the ring. I showed him pictures of what I liked and he picked it out all by himself and presented me with it when he proposed. THe problem is it’s nothing like what I wanted, but at the time I was so happy and all of our family was there that I didn’t really want the say anything and just be happy in the moment. The ring I wanted was a brialliant cut with baguette cut daimonds down each side, he bought me a pricess cut with channel daimonds down each side. The pricess cut is in a rubover setting so it’s set into the ring and doesn’t stand out at all.
I waited a couple of weeks before saying something to FI, he could tell I was upset one afternoon so I told him it was about my ring. That was all I said, my ring, well he went right off, saying I don’t appreciate anything I give him and he tried to get what I wanted. HE took the ring off me and threw it in the bin! I was crying and trying to explain to him what I meant. He thought I meant I wanted a whole new ring I told him I don’t want a whole new ring I just wanted to change the setting. He calmed down a bit when he realised that I didn’t want to just throw it away, but at this point I was so upset at how he had reacted that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He said he doesn’t care he just wants me to wear that ring. I said I’d leave it until we get wedding bands then think about it.
So now it’s getting close to looking at wedding bands, and I am so scared to bring it up again. I haven’t been wearing it because it needs re-sizing anyway and just looking at it and thinking about it makes me really upset. All I want to do is change the rub over to a prong setting to make to main diamond stand out more, and get a slightly bigger main diamond so it stands out and so the ring keep it’s shape. I would rather do that then keep it the way it is and get a bigger wedding ring.
I love the fact that he bought the ring for me but honestly the ring is just not me, I don’t like it and I didn’t want to show it off when I got it. I want it to be something I absoluetly love! I asked my Mum she said I could get a nice ring that I love and wear it on my right hand, but what would be the point of that? I still wouldn’t like my e-ring and that is supposed to be the best, most meaningful ring you ever get! I don’t wear any other rings other than my e-ring and I don’t really want to wear any other rings. My Mum even told me she didn’t like it, which made me even more upset.
I feel terrible that I don’t like it the way it is and that it is making me feel this way. I want to talk to FI about it but I’m so scared he will be really hurt and upset like he was last time. Is it so bad that I want to be able to love my e-ring and want to show it off to everyone instead of pretending it’s not there?! I want him to understand that I love the fact he went and picked out the ring all by himself, and that I want to wear the ring he gave me, but I just want to tweak it a bit to make it more my style. This is really a big issue for me, everything to do with the wedding, the dress ect is only for one day, granted the you have the memories and the photos but the ring is something I will wear everyday for the rest of my life. I want it to be special and beautiful and something that might become a family heirloom one day. Am I really such a terrible person for wanting to change it? Because I feel as though I am. What would you do?
Post # 3
I also wasnt thrilled with my ring, but he was so proud of it that I’ve just accepted it. It helps when I see people with very strong marriages sporting a very modest ring. It makes me feel petty for having thoughts of keeping up with the jonses or what have you. Thats just my take on looking for perfection in a ring.
I also want to say though that I found that a little bit concerning that he threw it away and yelled at you? hmm. Well you know your relationship better than I would so..
Post # 4
Usually when I read a post like this, I would say to be honest and bring it up again. BUT…the fact that he got so upset the first time, makes me a bit hesitant for you to bring it up again.
If you really don’t like it, could you find a band that you love and wear it by itself, and wear your e-ring on your right hand?
Post # 5
Oh, and no, you are not a bad person for wanting what you want.
Post # 6
@punkin83: I think he was so upset that he thought he got me something really special that I wanted to just throw it away, trust me he doesn’t hardly get that upset! But you have made me think that maybe it’s the fact that I’m afraid to talk to him about this that is making me the most upset.
Post # 7
I wasnt thrilled with my first ring either but I did get used to it. Can you please post a pic so we can see it…I am not sure what a rub over ring looks like personally. It is a tough spot you are in girl 🙁
Post # 8
I would change the setting, but not the center stone. I’m sorry he chose something so different from what you wanted. I think its really hard to suggest that he should have gotten you something larger. Plus something larger would probably cost a lot more since diamonds increase exponentially with even slight increases in size.
Post # 9
Well, there’s a big difference IMO in saying you want to change the setting vs ‘get a slightly bigger main diamond so it stands out”. Asking for a bigger center diamond is a much touchier area than saying you want to keep the center diamond but just change the setting. It’s an ego thing with most men.
I find it surprising that you showed him what you wanted and he got you something completely different. Maybe he fell in love with the one he did and thought you would love it too? I also don’t like that he took the ring off your finger.
Could you just wear the ring on your other hand and get a blingy wedding band?
Post # 10
I can understand his reaction – a bit over the top but I can see his feelings behind it. Rings aren’t cheap and I’m sure he spent a lot of time picking it out. I’d be worried to bring it up again if I were you based on his reaction however maybe you could mention it while in the jewelery store looking at bands, so he can’t flip out on you?
I don’t think changing the setting up a bit to be a prong setting is a big deal. You shouldn’t feel bad about changing that and he should want you to have somehting you love, too. I know my FI would. He wouldn’t even purchase my ring until I assured him about 10 million times that it was the one I wanted and loved!
Post # 11
First I’m concerned that he reacted that way wrh you.
Second, I think you’re asking for very minor changes.
I would cautiously bring it up but also be firm as you don’t want to keep rehashing this Issue.
Post # 12
@motionless: It doesn’t seem to me that you’re looking for a bigger ring or that you are preoccupied with some perceived status issue, but rather you are upset by what you see as your fiancé’s disregard for something that mattered to you…ie, the ring style your heart wanted to represent your love for each other. And now his reaction when you told him what was up made you feel even more unheard.
It’s not even about the ring, it’s about him not listening to you or honoring what you say. Like the poster above I amconcerned about his over the top, aggressive reaction when you tried to be honest. are there ore forces at work here? I would try to have a calm, loving give and take conversation with him about how you are hurt because you don’t feel heard. All the rings in the world won’t help if that communication is lacking in a marriage. Good luck and keep us posted!
Post # 13
Bring it up to him again. If this is the man you plan on marrying, you should be be afraid to talk about anything with him.
Post # 14
I think when you do bring it up again you probably shouldn’t say anything about a slightly bigger main diamond so it stands out and so the ring keep it’s shape. To me, that has the potential to set things off again. I would really just stick to the setting if I were you. The main stone could look so different if you got a setting that showcased it the way you want.
Post # 15
@motionless: Is it a bezel setting? I’m a little confused. I agree with the person that said to get a wedding band you like but I think you should just wear the wring after the wedding.
Post # 16
@motionless: I’m very sorry you’re feeling this way. I suspect that some of what you’re feeling is much more common than you think. I’ve often wanted to do a poll on WB to ask how many bees ever had, or currently have, at least some level of regret about their e-rings, regardless of the reason.
Believe it or not, I actually HAVE an incredibly beautiful baguette setting, something I had always wanted for my e-ring. I even selected this very setting myself, when DH took me ring shopping to see exactly what kind of e-ring and wedding band and loose, center-stone diamond I wanted, and YET, what bothers me about my absolutely gorgeous, ridiculously expensive, platinum e-ring setting? The fact that my baguettes don’t sparkle as much as my RB center stone and the seven RB stones in my half-eternity wedding band. Not only does that bother me, but also I then feel horribly guilty that it bothers me, because I know exactly how much this setting cost, and how much my DH wanted me to be happy with my rings, and I realize that I chose it myself. I’m saying all of that, because, it’s possible that, even if you had the baguette setting you have been desiring, you may not think it sparkles as much as the one that you currently have. Can you post a pic of your current e-ring so that we can see it?
Like prior posters, I am concerned about the unusually violent reaction your FI had when you told him about being upset about your ring. That is troubling in any case, and especially so if this was the first time you raised this issue with him. After you experienced that type of reaction, I certainly can understand why you’re hesitating to raise the matter again now that you’re getting ready to decide upon a wedding band. Yet, I also understand your now not wanting him to invest in a wedding band that coordinates with an e-ring you don’t even like.
However, even if you decide not to raise the issue again with him at this time, perhaps you could select a wedding band that you think would go well with both your current ring and the style to which you hope to change your e-ring diamond one day in the future.
I wish you the best.