SO contacted his ex. Am I overreacting?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@ldrthrowaway:  it sounds to me like he’s not over her. and harsh as it is, if someone is in a happy relationship, they don’t go reminiscing about exes, and reaching out to them. the ‘she won’t reply anyway’ confirms that for me, it’s like he’s feeling sorry for himself. and how is that supposed to make you feel better? he still contacted her. the fact that he told you all this while drunk is not great either – makes me think he’s depressed over this situation and is torn. 

 

i’m so sorry, because i’m sure that’s not what you want to hear, but if he’s tried to get her back three times in the past, and is now contacting her for no good reason…it doesn’t sound good. also – do you know what was said/written? ‘hey’ is very different than ‘i never got over you, i think about you all the time’ 

Post # 4
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@ldrthrowaway:  oh the distrustful thing – i think because he is having shady thoughts and maybe acting on them, he thinks (hopes?) you are too. maybe the idea of you moving back in 2 months is too much for him. is he excited about you moving back with him otherwise?

Post # 5
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

@ldrthrowaway:  Sorry you’re having to deal with this. 

I think you and BF need to have an honest and open talk in person (not over the phone) sometime soon. 

knowing only your side of the story, it definitly does NOT seem okay…

he sounding disappointed she might not answer? red flag 

him giving different reasons for contacting her? red flag 

i do think it’s okay to contact an ex if both have moved on… but from what you’re telling us I am not too sure he really has moved on.

((Hugs))

 

Post # 6
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You have EVERY reason to be feeling this way! 

 

You def. need to have a heart to heart with him and try and figure out what his “true” feelings are for her and you. There seems to be some kind of hang up he has for her. And the fact he still is very close with her family is just strange! I hope I am not being to straight forward but what he is doing is not ok and not normal.

 

Only you know him the best (hopefully, he isnt pulling the wool over your eyes). But if you are already having trust issues and he is going behind your back, like he is, keep your guard up. And if it sounds to shady. it is!

 

And if he doesn’t respect your feelings about this, then walking away is the best advice hunny. Life is wayyyyy too short. I know it hurts and probably the idea of not being with him is worse. But you don’t want to look back years from now saying to yourself “the signs were there”. Oh and just because you guys are going through some hard times, does not give him the right to go seek emotional support from another female. You both should be leaning on eachother. Keep your head up xoxo

 

Post # 7
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

@peonyinlove:  +1 and although this has nothing to do with your dilemma,  15 & 20?! Yipes.

Post # 8
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yeah, this sounds really shady, I completely understand why you’re upset. As PPs said, people who are in happy relationships don’t go dredging up their exes out of nowhere. This is especially true if they haven’t had contact in over two years. 

I would definitley not be picking up my life and moving to a man who did/is doing this. At best he’s not over her/what happened betweeen them (needing “closure”) and at worst, he’s actively trying to rekindle his relationship with her. Even in the “best” case scenario, his emotions/actions are affecting YOUR relationship, which is completely unacceptable, and for me, a complete dealbreaker.

I would be canceling my plans to relocate and be taking a break from the relationship so he can figure out what he wants. Personally, I couldn’t accept knowing I was his second choice.

Post # 9
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ldrthrowaway:  You do not sound insecure and you are totally justified. I can only echo PP’s and tell you you need to have a good, long, face-to-face talk with him ASAP and tell him how you’re feeling. You need to talk this out with eachother, don’t let it eat away at you!

“I feel like maybe I’m freaking out over nothing because he hasn’t cheated on me.”
– you do NOT have to wait for him to cheat on you to feel justified. Emotional cheating is real too.

 

@invisabee:  +1 – I thought that too. Here that is statutory rape – punishable by imprisonment. Eep.

Post # 10
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like there is more wrong than just contacting the ex. You sound nice and he sounds like he is maybe just a step above using you. Think hard on whether you want to be engaged to him because it sounds like he will not be giving you everything you deserve.

I think the only other thing I would consider is asking him what he thinks about counseling. If he hates the idea I would walk away since in the future you would be less likely to have the tools you and he may need,

Post # 11
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

If there’s nothing shady then why did he keep it from you? You said that he told you about it but also that he was drunk. It sounds like he was feeling guilty about it.

Post # 12
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Kiawah Island

He probably has some residual feelings for her based on the info you provided, but men get intrigued by the unknown and that lack of contact makes her more attractive.  You really do want him to address this issue sooner rather than later.  Let him get it out of his system before you uproot your life.

Something tells me that his ex was probably “crazy” and overreacted, so you need to do the opposite.

If this were me, I would do the following:

  • Change your tune and be totally supportive.  “Dear, I am so sorry for not being more supportive in our earlier conversation…”
  • He’s going to expect you to treat him like he’s a dog, so brag on his honesty and how lucky you are to have someone that is so incredibly honest about contacting his ex.
  • Tell him that you “totally understand” his need for closure and you definitely want him to get that.
  • Be very matter-of-fact, more like you are a friend counseling one of your female friends.
  • No crying or bossing him around.
  • Make your contact with him unpredictable until this issue blows over.  Don’t answer the phone everytime he calls or text back straightaway.

 

Post # 14
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think it’s not a good sign he told you this whilst he was *drunk*. If he had a genuine reason (sometimes people do, even when an ex is involved) and had discussed it with you BEFORE he contacted her then this might have been ok. Also it would have given you the chance to say you weren’t comfortable with him doing this. 

The fact she is yet to even email him back shows that he is possibly not over their relationship – it’s not like she contacted him and then he replyed to get ‘closure’, he was the one who started it all up again for some reason (which he so far isn’t willing to explain to you). 

Before you give up anything (job, house move etc.) you must talk to him face to face. If he still holds a candle for this girl you need to find out now as he probably isn’t going to change and you need to know NOW whether or not this relationship is worth moving forward in. 

If you decide to stay with him then you need to set absolute ground rules for things like this so he know’s it’s not acceptable and that you won’t stand for it if it happens again. 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He’s being defensive because hes got a guilty conscience. He’s 100% deflecting. Btw, he was checking YOUR email? Yeah… This has happened to me before and you should follow your gut. sorry you’re in such a crappy situation. 

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