This is the email my mom sent yesterday (I’ve been planning the wedding for 6 months now, the wedding is Sept. 24 this year). I’ve been asking my mom what she wants the whole time I’ve been planning and this is the first time she’s said anything. I don’t know why she’s so angry with me. We haven’t argued or anything in a while. This just came out of the blue (my comments in bold):
There are other things Dad and I have talked about as far as the wedding:
Time,: we would like not earlier than 6PM, we prefer 7 as we are liable for open bar and know no one. <– They were supposed to invite over 50 of their friends (some who don’t even know my name) but I don’t think they’ll fly out. And for some reason, they’re worried my FI’s family/friends will sue them.
Dad and I talked about not being with the wedding party on the stage at the reception, Dad now understands my feelings and agrees with them. Since it has been dictated, I would like to say that we are the bride’s parents and payors of the wedding. We are not being honored. It was inconsequential that others maybe could be included when I talked to Dad about it. We have never seen the bride’s parents excluded from the head table. I am VERY hurt, but accept it that has been dictated. No changes will be made!
No semi-circle or ring warming ceremony. <– We wanted a ring warming ceremony, but my mom doesn’t want it because she won’t be sitting at the head table on stage with the bms/gms.
I insist on paying for the bridesmaids dresses. Your argument about “it not being fair” is not effective. I didn’t think it was fair to pay for dresses no girl wants when they could wear their own and we could help with accommodation (I was going to pay for accomodations). I also didn’t think it was fair to the gms to pay for the bms dresses and not help with tux expenses – It’s just a tradition I think has lived long enough. The brides family is responsible for the bridesmaids. What Rick does is inconsequential. He is not doing a lot of what groom’s responsibilities are. She wants him to pay for transport, honeymoon and accomodations. He makes less than me and can’t afford the standards my parents are setting. So, I insist that we take the 450 for pampering that has become not something that we need to do and another 300 of unspent budget and give an allowance of 250 for each bridesmaid’s dress (especially that now there are only 3 bridesmaids). They can pick out the color and order it during sales time from a more upscale shop. I would be saitified with that. I will pay it out of what I save over months if needed. I prefer long dresses on a stage. Even at a 1pm wedding on a beach, I did not like short dresses. Please accept that long dresses on a stage on heavier people look much better! Aside from letting me know my bridesmaids are apparently too fat for short dresses, I also have one bm (FSIL) who already bought a bm dress for the wedding that she’ll have to return. Also, I don’t want a formal wedding so I didn’t want long formal gowns.
For your dress, I would like nothing less than you tried on at the Encounter. I would like Upscale, preferably pageant, and with lots of beads and sparkle. Not exactly what I want. Actually, not even close. That dress she’s describing was also over $4k with alterations and I’m happy with a used dress and spending money on something I care about like a videographer or entertainment. I would like to see it before purchase in a picture. And, see it in a picture during alterations. I don’t think that is too much to ask.
Dad and I agree, since we are paying, that we do get to make some of the major decisions if it doesn’t reflect in your personality of the wedding.
You have said four times to me or Dad that Rick’s parents can’t afford/or may not have a job and don’t see how they can do a rehearsal dinner. I said they would have to save since they have to support a special needs adult and a kid in grad school on one income. 4 times in 6 months isn’t that much when you’re asked about it repeatedly. We don’t even want to impose much less invite ANY out of town guest and would not do that given the situation. Since you have 3000 left over in the budget, we want to give the rehearsal dinner and hopefully Dad will agree to invite some guests. Rick’s parents can give to the honeymoon fund (Dad doesn’t agree with that fund anyway: the honeymoon is the responsibility of the groom if the groom does not pay a significant amount of the honeymoon. That is how it is thought of out here and among our friends.) If my FI had to pay for a lot of the honeymoon, we’d either have to do local or save for months after the wedding. We also don’t need a bunch of crap to shove in our already filled house so we thought it would be logical to avoid the standard registry since we don’t need anything. If we do the rehearsal dinner, we will do it all. Please let us do that so we may invite some people we know. We don’t even want to impose on people who can not afford it. And, I think I can get Dad to invite some friends. I will be miseralble at a wedding knowing no one. She keeps telling me how miserable she is going to be at my wedding. I hear this at least twice a month. Please let us do this!
Dad’s job is also still uncertain, but we have committed 40K regardless. We will make no excuses if the bottom falls out. We will know more about that after the 25th of January. We are committed regardless. I’ve told them I’ll cut the budget or whatever they want. I didn’t pick the budget ask for any money at all.
Also, I have not been but at two events since we have been married that Dad has not been part of the entertainment. Regardless, it would be respectful to at least to consider Sonny, Daddy and crew for something. They are good at learning new songs if they need to . If it means nothing to you after all those years, I guess I will get over it. Not asking Dad and Sonny to do what they love most seems offensive to me at best. It is your wedding, but hurting feeling is not very acceptable. And, I do see that and know that is another reason why no friends are going to be invited at this time. I can’t ask until they RSVP…I was told to not make their friends feel obligated to come..they’re all out of time, but I’m not even supposed to send save the dates to them according to my dad. My mom said most wouldn’t know who we were anyway and we’d have to include a note about my parents.
I will never be happy with canned music at the ceremony. She wants a pianist but there’s no piano…she hates violins/violas etc…a guitar would work, but she doesn’t want strangers to do it and no one we know that plays has told us they can make it…her backup it a drum circle of all things, but I’m sure she’ll change her mind on that since she doesn’t know what that is.
Dad is aware of all the above. Please respond. He wasn’t aware of a lot of it, but he’s decided it’s easier to agree with what she has said.
—- If you made it through all of this, THANK YOU! — Please let me know what you think. I don’t know why she’s being like this. She won’t even call me to talk to me about it. My dad says he doesn’t agree with all of it, but he is agreeing with her on most of it and to just try to please her. At this point, I’m so sick of my mom telling me how miserable she’s going to be at my wedding that I don’t even want to have one. I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything to completely please her. Also, I’ve spent so much time planning this and finding what my FI and I really want and how we want it to represent ourselves that it’s going to be hard to change the whole feel of the wedding to accomodate her.
I’d have to come up with over $3800 to repay to my dad for deposits. I also wouldn’t be able to pay for a wedding or reception myself after we paid that back, but I wouldn’t have to make my mom miserable and they couldn’t make decisions for me. I’m pretty sure they would probably disown me if I called it all off though. Or at least close to disown me. So, either way I’m going to suffer. I just don’t want to cry all day on my wedding day because my mom is complaining about everything I did and how disrespectful I am to her and my dad when I’ve tried to do nothing but please them.
So, what would you do?