(Closed) So, do I cancel everything pay my dad the deposits back and elope or suck it up?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Your mom is being unreasonable and crazy. You should be able to pick out the dress YOU want to wear on your wedding day.

If it were me, I’d pay the deposits back and use the money I have left to elope with just FI. The standards/restrictsions she is making are crazy and I wouldn’t tolerate her running my wedding because she is paying. Oh and saying how miserable she’ll be at your wedding, that would finish them paying for it right there.

Post # 4
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh my goodness, that was long. 

It honestly sounds a lot like what my parents and I went through.  They want their friends to be there, they want to be honored as the hosts, as the hosts they want to have a say, etc etc. 

I would pick and choose a few arguments.  For example, I didn’t not care about the food or the music.  I let my mom choose those.  Maybe let her be in charge of the music if she is being so picky.  Also, if they are offering to do the RD then maybe just let them.

However, there are some boundries.  I would respond that although you appreciate her input in your dress, you will be the one that has to wear it and ultemately you would like the final decision for that. 

I would also think about compromising on the long BM’s dresses.  It sounds like its important to your mom and it would help out the BM’s.  There are a lot of long dresses that don’t have to be super elegant or fancy.  I do agree that on stage, long dresses would look much nicer than short dresses (no matter the size of the girl).

Lastly, I’m not sure what she means about having the parents at the head table?  I thought it was always the bridal party and their SO’s.  We did a head table but also two “special tables” for the family.  They were up at the front of the room. 

Post # 5
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

Geesh. It is so unfair of your mother to do this to  you and your FI. Yes, they are giving a large sum of money but dictating every decision is out of line. Your wedding dress isn’t blingy enough? Come on.

Post # 6
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

And PS I have NEVER seen parents at a head table.

Post # 7
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Definitely pay them back and elope…it would SO not be worth it to me to put up with crazy and unreasonable demands like these.

Post # 8
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Franciscan Gardens

Gosh, this is a difficult situation and I’m really sorry that your Mom is putting you in such a hard place. She said:

“Dad and I agree, since we are paying, that we do get to make some of the major decisions if it doesn’t reflect in your personality of the wedding.”
However, she has dictated that you cannot have a ring warming ceremony. That seems like something that is part of your wedding’s “personality”- Has she ever given a reason why she disdains a ring warming ceremony?  Honestly, I understand that they are contributing a lot financially a lot towards the wedding- but I think it’s time to have a sit down with your parents and have a heart to heart. Perhaps you guys can come to a comprimise and a smaller more intimate less expensive wedding. You still have almost 10 months to save- and your parents won’t have anything to hang over your head. 
Good Luck!

Post # 9
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

ELOPE!!!!!! Your mom is absolutely nuts (I’m sorry, but this email was terrible!).  Her holding money over your head like that to make HER and your dad happy is NOT the point of paying for your wedding!!!  And her financial insults to your future hubby?  Appalling.  Run!!!!!

Post # 10
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

What’s a ring warming ceremony?

Post # 11
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

So I will give you my honest knee-jerk reaction


>  pay the deposits back and elope. 

I don’t think the stress the whole situation is causing you is really the way to start out a marriage.  You are a saint for tolerating your mother’s “suggestions” thus far.  And I also think your fiance deserves a metal for lending his support throughout your engagement.  In my case—-I would have pushed my mom off a cliff already.

What I don’t understand is why your mother is going to be “miserable” at your wedding???? This is beyond my understanding and comprehension.  If you let your mother boss you around now, where/when will it ever stop???? 

Good luck…..and HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 12
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

If it were me, I’d pay the money back and get married on my own terms. I wouldn’t be happy with someone else having all that control in our wedding.

Post # 13
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

That is crazy.  Pay them back and elope.

Post # 14
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think a lot of brides (including myself) have similar issues–it’s tough when it’s your wedding, but your mom is paying for the majority of it.  My advice for you: 

-Create a file (we used Excel and made a spreadsheet) that describes each thing you need for the wedding, who will pay for it, how much you think it will cost ($ amount and % of your total budget–you can find helpful tools for this online), who the vendors are, etc.  Having everything written out will make it more manageable since right now it seems like both you and your mom are having a hard time getting organized. 

-Also, you should have a guest list written now if you do not have it already.

-Pick your battles.  You will have to make some comprimises if you are going to have a big wedding and not elope.

-Get quotes from multiple vendors. 

-Try to find a BM dress that everyone agrees on (if mom isn’t paying for their dresses, would she still care about what length they are?). 

-Figure out how much you and your FI can contribute to the wedding, and what aspects are important enough that you want to spend your $ on them. 

-Take your mom to another bridal shop to try on dresses, and explain that you’d rather not spend $4k on a dress if it means you can’t have other things that are important to you. 

-Let your mom invite her friends, since she’s paying. 

-THANK her for everything she’s doing.  Maybe your FI can write her a nice email thanking her for her generosity–she’ll really appreciate it.

Post # 15
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’d run like hell and elope.  Your mother is pulling the “this may be your wedding but this is our money and you will spend it as I say”.  If you don’t want that, then don’t accept their money. 

As for lost deposits, I’d suck it up and find a way to repay my parents that money so they don’t hold it over my head!  DIsown me if you want, but don’t think you can smack talk me for wasting your money, you know?

With that said, I’m going to guess that your parents are from a different culture?  Especially with the disowning part?  I would rather be disowned than go through the hell of having something I don’t want at all or that makes me uncomfortable. 

 

Post # 16
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i think a lot of the details that your mom has spelled out may be a bit out of the extraordinary, but i think a lot of it has to do with the general notion that when parents foot the bill, they want say. i know there are multiple opinions on this – but i am a firm believer that the wedding day is not just about the bride and groom, but a lot to do with the parents and their big day to show off their children as well.

in your situation, i think you need to weight out which options are more important to you and stick to one decision or the other. if u cant stand any more of your mother’s rants, then you should work out a repayment plan with your dad and do your wedding the way you and FI want it and can afford to have it YOUR way. or suck it up, take ur parents money, use it, and follow your mom’s decisions.

Good luck in your planning… i hope that things die down regardless of which path you choose…

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