Post # 1
Ok so…. I’m getting married in 8 weeks and 6 days to the love of my life! I have 4 bridesmaids, 3 of whom have given me nothing but drama, one (my MOH) who is an angel 🙂
I’m paying for my girls to design their own fifties swing dresses to go with my Ronald Joyce Cassia – the girls had agreed to buy their own shoes, but had said they would wait to see what I bought first as we all wanted a silver strappy crystal shoe. I’m having a DW in Cyprus, and had asked all the girls to stay with me the night before the wedding, to calm my nerves, have a few drinks and popcorn and watch a movie.
Fast forward a few months to the first fitting for their bridesmaids dresses last night. Bridesmaid A and B who are related on FI’s side, started talking about hair and makeup. Turns out that bridesmaid A has decided how she’s having her hair, and that she and her mum FMIL are going to go around every hairdressers in the area to find one that does her hair so it looks wow. She wouldn’t say how she’s having her hair – so now I have a BM who might show up with my wedding hairstyle. The same BM wants to get changed into capris and a vest after the ceremony. Last night we were sitting and talking about shoes, when she said “oh I got mine months ago”. I had to drag out of her what they looked like, but basically they sound like the shoes I wanted to wear. This girl has lost a ton of weight (which I applaud her for). But it feels like she’s trying to upstage me, which is so petty! I want all my girls to feel happy and relaxed on the day, and feel good about themselves – hence the bespoke dress.
Would this make you angry and how do I say to her that I don’t want her hair and shoes the same as mine? I just feel like everythings a secret from me with this family – there’s more.
Post # 3
I am one for brutal honesty. Just plain flat out ask her what her hairstyle is going to be. Tell her either “you need to know so you guys dont match” or “you need to know so the other bridesmaids could carry the same look for consistency.” If she pulls the old ” oh I am not sure BS, then take that opportunity to tell her exactly how you want all the girls hair to be.”
If all else fails, mess her hair up the day of the wedding. By the way this wont work unless its an updo. Hope I made you chuckle with the visual….I know I did.
Remember its your day….dont let anyone run it. When she gets married she can keep all the damn secrets she wants. If she cant abide by that then kick her out of your party.
Your girls should be supportive not contriving and secretive. I asked my girls not to wear any heels higher than an inch and they were like “cool…no problem”.
As for the shoe dilemma, If the dresses are long, you may not even notice. Thats the problem when you give people too much control or options, they this delusional ideology that they are calling the shots. ITS YOUR WEDDING…..YOUR WAY. Plain and simple. They are either with you or against you.
Good luck….:) 🙂 🙂
Post # 4
@ Loulee – This is the problem – the dresses are short 🙂 Also my wedding dress has flowers on it so I wanted to get crystal jewellery with flowers, she showed me her jewellery last week and it’s a bracelet almost the same as I wanted. I made everything very clear from the beginning. I ended up in tears last night, and fighting with FI this morning as it’s his sister.
I told him if I walk into the church and her hairs the same as mine, that I’m turning around. This is just the final straw, whenever I’ve been a BM its been about supporting the bride, not trying to be all about myself…
IDK – if I say anything I’ll probs lose it totally!!!
Post # 5
I say you have a heart to heart, one on one with her with our without your Fiance. Be honest with her, maintain an assertive stance and tell her what your expectations are. Don’t be overly HE HE HA HA super duper pleasant….have a serious stance and body language. Be clear and tell her what you are willing to be flexible on and what you will absolutely not accept.
Bottom line too is this: he needs to be supportive of you. I am not saying he was defending her, but you stated you argued about it so I am assuming it did not go as well as you wanted it to. Tell him, if she is going to be in the party, its going to be under your terms (with his approval and support) and he needs to support you. Even if it seems trivial to him he needs to support you.
“Invite” her out to lunch. I agree that it should be about supporting the bride and it up to you to get that message across to her and him. 🙂
Post # 6
I’m so with you!! Why do people do these things? They are going to get married one day or they already have and that’s when the attention is on them. This is not about them this time. It sounds like that BM who wants her hair to be “wow” is totally trying to upstage you. I’d ask in a nice way how all your girls are getting their hair done and just say you want to stand out on that day being that it is your wedding day and you want the bridal party to compliment you. Blame it on style or something saying you want a specific kind of style for all the BMs or something. I’m dealing with this same kind of thing; people wanting to draw attention to themselves and away from you. I just keep my mouth shut and try to make good family relationships but I’m struggeling.
Post # 7
You go! Pilotsgirl…nicely said. 🙂
Post # 8
And I agree with your adive too Loulee!
Stand your ground mrsgtobee, and remember…you don’t have to stoop to their level. You can get your point across and you aren’t being a bitch, you’re just telling her your expectations as a BM. It’s a privaledge to be in your wedding. Not a requirement just because you’ll be family soon. Your FI needs to support you on this. Well said Loulee. 😉
Post # 9
Even if her hair looks woweee awesome, nobody can upstage you. As a bridesmaid, i always care what my hair looks like. But i always find out how the bride is wearing it so i DON”T wear it like that and also find out if she has an up or down preference and i go with the crowd. She sounds interesting, but even if her hair looks insanely fabulous, her hair alone cannot upstage you!
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I wouldn’t worry about this. You are the BRIDE. Nobody is going to upstage you, and if they look like they tried too hard, it will reflect poorly on them, not you.
Post # 11
Don’t hate me for saying this, especially since it’s just my opinion…..
Who cares how she does her hair, what shoes she wears or what jewelry she’s wearing–YOU are the bride, you will be the center of attention in your beautiful white dress….and she will look like the fool. You know what fool I’m talking about…that one guest at everyone’s wedding that people think to themselves, “oh wow, she’s got nerve,” that person that everyone exchanges knowing glances and subtle nods at each other because they think she’s trying to be the center of attention. I know, it’s easier said than done, but let it go. There’s no way anyone’s going to upstage you on your day. Your family and friends will be too busy telling you how beautiful you look to even care about what she looks like.
I dunno, maybe I’m just naive
Post # 12
I think everyone could have the identical hairstyle and you’d still all look great and you wouldn’t be upstaged at all – you are the bride. Same for the shoes – you’d just match – it will be fine.
Post # 13
So not cool that she’s trying to keep things secret from you. It’s just plain weird! It’s you’re wedding! But I don’t think she will upstage you at all, even if she praces around, it’ll just make her look tacky.
You should address the secrecy though, maybe indirectly. Or better yet, get your MOH on it! Have her say somethig like, “The wedding is coming up soon and I’ve kinda noticed that mrsgtobee’s a little stressed lately. She mentioned something in passing the other day that I think she’s feeling bad about … she doesn’t know I’m telling you this because I don’t wanna stress her out even more but maybe you can ___ to get her more comfortable about everything, I mean it is HER wedding.”
Post # 14
Honestly it sounds like you have other issues with the bridesmaid than that relating to hair and shoes. I think you should address the actual instead of making a big deal about these things. Yes, its not right that she is being secretive about this, but as a bridesmaid, I’ve never discussed my hairstyle with the bride before the day. To be honest with you, nobody will notice that you two have the same hairstyle or shoes. Yes, brides spend a lot of time figuring out these details, but let’s be honest, they are for the bride mostly. Even if she had a similiar hair style, it will never look exactly the same as yours, since you two have different hair types, and a hairstyle can almost never be exactly duplicated, even on the same person. And since you are all planning on wearing silver strappy crystal shoes, it was a given that the shoes would be similar. If you wanted your shoes to stand out, you should have choosen to have your ‘maids in a different color shoe. If you are angry at this girl for other reasons, I would address those directly. The issues you mention here do not seem to be a big deal and no, they would not make me angry. And I definitely would not tell the girl how to wear her hair or change her shoes. As almost everyone here has mentioned, she can never upstage you since you are the bride so you should just do your hair how you want and wear the shoes you picked out and not worry about any of this. In the scheme of things, hair and shoes don’t matter, what matters is that you are getting married.
Post # 15
Here is my opinion, my first thought would be yours exactly. But after thinking about it I guess I would have a talk with her about it in a very honest straight up way. If it continues, I would just keep my distance.
The real crime here is not doing what she either volunteered or was asked to do as your BM. Stessing you out doesnt seem to matter to her. In all honestly I might just get rid of her from the bridal party bc she is not worth the headache. But I understand how straining this will be between you and your FI.
Post # 16
FIRST LET ME SAY. THIS IS YOUR WEDDING YOU ARE THE BRIDE AND NOBODY CAN UPSTAGE YOU GIRL. THEY ARE ONLY THE SUPPORTING CAST. YOU ARE THE STAR…OK… REMEMBER THAT. SHE IS JUST BEING PETTY AND IS TRYING TO UPSTAGE YOU BUT ONLY TRYING. SHE WAS NOT GOING TO BE IN MY WEDDING WITHOUT ME SEEING WHAT SHE WAS WEARING ,THATS FOR SURE. SIT AND TALK TO HER AND LET HER KNOW THE REAL DEAL, THAT YOU ARE THE STAR OF THIS SHOW AND DUE TO YOU BEING THE BRIDE YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE ALL THE BRIDESMAID SHOES AND ALSO THAT YOU WOULD LIKE ALL THE BRIDEMAIDS TO WEAR THEIR HAIR THE SAME. THAT IS NOT ASKING TOO MUCH. JUST ASK HER NICELY. ITS YOUR WEDDING YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THIS. ALOT OF FSIL ARE LIKE THIS SO IGNORE HER AND HER DRAMA. IF SHE TRIES SOME UNDERHANDED STUFF EVERYONE AT WEDDING WILL JUST LOOK AT HER AND FIND HER A JOKE AND SAY LOOK AT HER TRYING TO ACT LIKE ITS HER WEDDING. TRUST ME. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK AMAZING AND ALL EYES ARE GOING TO BE ON YOU. DONT LET HER STRESS YOU. SHE IS TRYING, BUT DONT LET HER SUCCEED. STAY STRONG AND IT ALL ABOUT HAVING A GREAT TIME WHICH YOU WILL….