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I post here often but am so embarrased about this so am posting under a pesudonym. None of my female friends talk about this and you ladies give such great advice. FH and I waited to have sex until we were married. (FH has slept with other people (double digits), I had not.) I was so excited to finally have sex with him abd figured it would be great since I could always...enjoy myself alone. First few times were almost unbearable, and while it has gotten so that it (usually) doesn't hurt, it is no fun. Sometimes even when just touching me it hurts. I try to initiate since I want him to enjoy it and keep thinking that if we do it more, it will get better, but other than little-no pain, it's not. FH is patient, we have a good amount of foreplay and he tries so hard to make me orgasm, and we use lube, but either 1. takes FOREVER and never as good as when it's just me or 2. we both get so frustrated and give up. He has encouraged me to masturbate more and use a vibrator, but it's no fun anymore. (Nothing medically wrong except depression but my doctor says that the medicine I am on doesn't have any of those side effects and that the one I am on often is used to combat those.) He has said he doesn't enjoy it much since I don't, and I am so frustrated since I feel like I am bad in bed, and am really starting to hate sex. I don't know what to do.
Here are a few ideas :)
To help with lubrication, ask him if he will go down on you (lube is so unsexy).
Switch up positions! Try being on top, you will get control of the motion and be able to hit the spots that you want. Also try making love somewhere outside of the bedroom. Maybe standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, or just start going at it on the couch while you're watching a movie!
are you relaxed when youre having sex? maybe the anxiety of it hurting is preventing you from enjoying it. dont feel too shy to tell him how to touch you either and praise him whenever he does something right so he doesnt become discouraged, communicate about your sex life. sex is meant to be enjoyable and theres no reason it cant be for you. sex does take some time to feel comfortable though so if youre just starting out dont give up. hang in there! maybe even explore things that might excite you more like sex in the shower or something.
I am going to be kind of blunt so I hope I don't offend...
My advice would be to "pleasure yourself" with him watching so that your husband will see what touches, strokes, etc. get you in the mood and bring you to orgasm. Your husband may have had women in double-digit numbers but he has never has YOU and no matter what you hear to the contrary...one size fit all..does not apply to sex. Another thing...have you guys tried any lubricants?? I hear good things about the KY "yours and mine" line of lubricants. And my last and final comment. How vocal are you during sex about what you like/don't like. If your husband does something that feels good...let him know so he knows to keep doing it. If he is doing something that is painful or just doesn't do anything for you...let him know that too. It's all about the two of you learning how to please each other and communication goes a long way.
I had similar problems until I figured out that I was so tense about enjoying it that I was making it worse! I finally figured out that doing things like taking a bath beforehand and stretching foreplay waaaay out were helpful. Long full-body massages helped me to relax and then things were less painful and having an orgasm was easier. Also, for me personally FI knows that if we incorporate something like a vibrator into sex then it is easier for me and keeps him from uhhh jumping the gun (hahaha, there is no good way to say that).
Also if this is your first sexual encounter, it will take time for you to "grow into yourself" so to speak... do you feel sexy right before sex or anxious? For me my first times (eons ago) sex was very uncomfortable and scary.. and then I grew more confident in myself and my body and WOWZA'S!!! When you make happy (:D) by yourself what do you think of? Next time you're initiating tell him what you are thinking of.. or make happy with him watching and tell him the thoughts going through your mind and have him tell you what's going through yours... good luck and ((HUGS))
Tons of great advice here already! Here are my 2 cents:
First of all, it's great that you know what feels good to you because you "go solo" at times. Use what you know. I know exactly how and where I like to be touched and am able to guide him.
Next, do you experiment with positions? Standard missionary is not always the best way to go. Believe it or not, the Cosmo website has some great position ideas. Some are scary and I would never try, but others are great. Also, try having sex in the shower. It's so fun :)
Finally, don't worry so much about having an orgasm. It is very hard for me (and I'm sure other women) to orgasm with the guy inside. I never orgasm vaginally, only...externally? Lol, not sure how to word that. I just try to enjoy sex as much as possible and if I orgasm then YAY! But if not, I don't worry about it. I personally don't like receiving oral, but that is a great way to achieve orgasm, too.
Oh, one more thing. Not sure about your feelings toward porn, but FI and I have watched it together a few times and it made the sex seriously amazing. If you're not into it, that's fine, too. Just wanted to throw it out there.
I promise, it will get better and you are NOT bad at sex. Practice makes almost-perfect!
First of all, I'm sure you're not "bad in bed"! You've only had sex a few times, but I can understand how frustrating it would be to not be able to enjoy it. My bet is that, after the first few failed times, you started tensing up and expecting it to hurt every subsequent time. I sometimes have that problem - I think it will hurt, so I tense up expecting it, and then it hurts, so it becomes this cycle. It's the same way with getting shots. What I've found helps is to ask him to stop, take several deep breaths and get all the tension out of my system, and then continue. I'm willing to bet that may be what's happening with you as well! I hope you get it all worked out!
I am a regular poster and I am posting under a psuedonym as well. Because, I have NEVER said this out loud. I have been having sex for about eight years, and while it can be fun, and is a really important part of being close with my husband, it has NEVER been as good as going solo. Not even close. Not even approaching close. I've tried - new locations, lube, vibrators, all sorts of different positions and acts (other than intercourse). But it just has never worked. And -- here's what I think people think is so horrible -- I've just come to accept it. I enjoy sex as an act of closeness and fun with my husband, and sometimes it's pleasurable. But when I need real release, I ... well, you know. I've stopped feeling ashamed of it. I'm very happy with the scope and quality of my sex life. It's ok. (Oh and for the record, our relationship hasn't suffered I don't think. We have fun, vocal, good sex 2-3 times per week!)
The times when sex is a little painful for me is when I think im in the mood but am not. During foreplay I will think that I am aroused, but am not & this is evident as soon as we start having sex.
One of the reasons you may be enjoying your alone time more then w/ your husband is bc alone time forces you to concentrate on sex & you are mentally really into it., and more then likely you are fantasizing...
Now this is going to be TMI for sure! In order for me to really get into sex, I have to fantasize; what works best for me is to replay a porn scene in my head & I envision myself in the scene and concentrate on the physical part. I concentrate really hard about how every detail feels & fantasize. Therefore, if I'm mentally exhausted & can't bring myself into that mental state sex is unpleasurable & often painful. This may not be the same for you, but this is what the difference is for me between enjoyable sex vs. non enjoyable. :)
Do you drink? If so, a glass or two of wine might be a good way to relax before sex. I'm not saying that you should get wasted, just a little tipsy so that maybe you will be less anxious about it.
I'm thinking this is mostly in your head, and not physical, as other posters have suggested.
Relax....and stop putting so much worry/thought into the "big O". I didn't wait to have sex until marriage (obviously!) but I think it has to be a huge mental switch after spending your whole life trying not to have sex...and then jumping right into it!
Others have had great suggestions in terms of the technicalities, but I think most of all, you just need to relax. And don't be afraid to point your husband in the right direction ;o)
Definitely give it some time! A glass of wine will definitely help soothe some nerves.
Also, it takes to get used to sex with a partner versus sex by yourself. You aren't the only one who has their SO reach for their playthings simply b/c sometimes the real thing isn't doing the trick....
You sound like you're just working yourself all up. It's so easy to take care of it yourself, quickly, enjoyable, and be done. It's much harder with another person because there are so many other distractions going on.
Just be sure that if you use KY yours and mine, you store it upright...it leaks. I had it in a drawer and it was all over everything in there!!!! I agree with Jamaica, but I know that can be kind of akward...maybe video tape yourself and let him watch the tape? IDK. Good luck.
Try to relax. You are probably so tense and nervouse about it all, that you can't enjoy it! Maybe have a glass of wine or something before hand, just to relax yourself. Have him watch you so he knows how you like it. Talk to him during sex. Tell him what feels good, what doesn't, how fast/slow, hard/soft (Sorry if TMI!!!) you want it. Switch positions around. Use a C-ring, then you can have him and the vibrations if you want, and it feels good for him. But really, try to relax and don't try so hard to make yourself enjoy it, I don't think that will help! And I'm not saying it has to be drunk sex, but maybe really do try having a drink before to get yourself relaxed.
I agree with what everyone else has said about relaxing, trying different positions, fantasizing, etc.
I also wanted to add that there are some toys that might help that you can use with your husband. There is a little vibrator thingie called the rabbit and you can get a ring that will allow it to be attached to his um.... you know... Something like that may help and be fun for both of you.
You've gotten great pointers here, I'll echo some. We use a vibrator most of the time cuz his stamina is nowhere near the same as mine. He is totally fine with it, and actually loves it most of the time cuz then he can really watch me get off, he loves it when I can really let loose. He's also really good at oral, which I know helps alot!
One thing you could also try is laying with each other in the dark. Try a form of tantric sex, breath deeply into each other, feel each others bodies, but don't technically do anything sexual. Try it a few times, and then see how you feel. It can really bring you closer to him, which may let that pent up frustration and stiffness go so you can truly relax with him. Sometimes you need a different form of intimacy to get to that next level. You may find yourselves having some amazing talks which really ups the closeness factor - I should know, over the years hubs and I have had some phenominal talks, things I never would have told anyone before, and now I feel like we have this secret club that no one else can join. Having secrets and being able to really express yourself will help you in every aspect of your relationship
Few questions- how long have you been married/sexually intimate? Has it ever been pleasurable... even once? The reason I ask is because after having had my fair share of partners I would have to say that some partners have chemistry and some just don't. You can love someone and not have the best sexual chemistry with them... that's not to say that your sex life is doomed... but you may want to look into some sort of counseling if that is the case.
A lot of good advice on here already but here are my 2 cents:
1. Use lubrication. It really helps to make things move better.
2. Are you trying to orgasm from sex only? Most women can't orgasm without having rubbing themselves. Either rub yourself or use a vibrator during sex so that you can orgasm.
3. Try to relax and enjoy it. It makes things easier if you are relaxed and not thinking about having to orgasm the entire time.
EDIT:
4. You two should talk about what you like and don't like. Also, you can show him what kind of touches you like and what does and doesn't feel good for you. Just because he has been with a lot of women doesn't mean he knows what YOU like. Everyone is different and some women love one thing while others hate it!
Lots of really great advice here, let me offer a little bit more.
1) Part of the problem is likely that you are stressed now. Mediocre to bad experience has taught your body to tense up when engaged in intimacy. Take a bath, drink a glass or two of wine (NOT sloppy drunk, bad for sex), put on some music.
2) Remain intimate, but take vaginal intercourse off the table for a while. Try to reconnect physically without the stress and pressure of intercourse being right around the corner. (NOTE: this is not an excuse to only pleasure him, work on shared intimacy).
3) Do you know that the vast majority of women physically cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation? Chances are you are one of them. And I don't care what your man may say, but it is statistically unlikely that most of the women he has been with can either, even if they can fake it good. Keep this in mind, and don't beat yourself up. Make clitoral stimulation a priority during vaginal intercourse, and reserve time for it without penetration.
4) Move on from just solo toys. There is a whole world out there of great toys for couples. A great starter? Get a cock ring with a little vibrating "tongue"-like appendage. Get on top. Enjoy.
5) Treat this like a priority in your marriage, but not the focal point. Honestly, it may take months for your sex life to get to something that doesn't feel like work, and years for it to be totally satisfying. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Do not try for a week and give-up, you will regret it your whole marriage. On the other hand, it will take time, so may a real effort to ramp up the other things you enjoy together. The sex obviously wasn't what brought you together, so also focus on the things that did.
There's so much good advice on here--just one thing I would say is that just because your MD said that your drugs have no side effects does not mean that they are not affecting you. Doctors sometimes assume that the results of a study mean that all individuals will have the same response to a drug. It is still entirely possible that your meds might be affecting your body--the studies they do on drug side effects take summaries of what happened in a whole big group of people, but that doesn't mean that some individual bodies might have different reactions. I am saying this because actually my FI has been on several meds for depression throughout the course of our relationship and some of them affected him sexually in ways that they were not "supposed to."
DITTO northernazbride
You took the words right out of my mouth. Sometimes no matter how much you love each other the natural chemistry might not be there, (and as I've seen oddly enough sometimes there's amazing chemistry with people you just casually like). This doesn't mean your sex life is doomed, it just means you have to work harder and perhaps seek some professional help.
@RegularPoster: I'm SO GLAD you posted that. I'm kind of in the exact same boat!! I've been with my BF for 4 years, and while I truly enjoy our sex life, he just never quite gets me there the way I do (or sadly, the way a couple of my exes have). We are both vocal about our likes/dislikes, and I really enjoy being with/connecting with him, but I too have come to accept that our sex life is what it is. (Might explain why he bought me a vibrator for Christmas 2 yrs ago!).
But I think everyone has offered good advice here, and I think you just need to follow your gut, and be open and willing to try different things. I can't say that I ever been uncomfortable or had painful sex, but I do think better sex comes with more self confidence and experience. I think a combination of learning what you like, what relaxes you the most, what your boundaries are, etc. will certainly improve your situation :)
There's a lot of great advice on here, and I second all of the suggestions prior posters have made. Just wanted to add that it can really take a while to get comfortable with sex when you just start. Definitely more than a couple of months. I think the fact that you guys are coming from very different levels of experience is just another challenge which makes it even harder. Please don't assume that you guys aren't compatible or don't have chemistry just because you aren't in a good place physically yet.
Also, you didn't talk about your situation outside this issue, but if there are other big life changes you're dealing with since getting married, or if one or both of you is busy, stressed, etc, it could take even longer to get to a point you're comfortable with. Just focus on having fun, don't pressure yourself, and try some of the tips from the ladies above.
I've been with my FI for 8 years and we've been sleeping together the whole time. The sex has always been incredible, but it took me up until earlier this year to be able to orgasm hands-free. And it's still an impressive trick when we get it right :D
A lot of people will disagree with me on this, and this is just a general idea not directed at anyone at all, but sometimes sex just isn't good with some people, no matter how much you love them. I've only ever really truly had fantastic sex with my FI- the others, even if I liked them, the sex was just meh or flat out sucked. Some guys just have a sex style that doesn't match up with yours. Some guys are just too big for you or too small. Sometimes you just can't get in sync with each other no matter how you try. Such is life! That's why I'm of the personal opinion that sex before marriage is a good idea. This idea is unpopular with many, I'm sure, but sex is important in a marriage to some varying degree or another, and if it sucks, it can make the marriage less pleasurable to both sides of the couple. It's just a reality. I'm sure there is a way to work around it, but it will take time and effort, and a lot of experimentation.
*just now saw Northernazbride's post, that's what I mean! :)
I came in to say something, and hotchildinthecity more or less summed it up.
Don't be afraid to give him pointers, let him know that it is too this, not enough that, off by 3.74um...
Also, could it be that you are not used to being touched? Or like some others have said, maybe you are tense.
Also, check it out with your gyno. I don't want to be a fearmonger, but maybe it's something like vulvodynia . (I was more looking at the vestibulitis causing dyspareunia)
I'm not going to be creepy and ask how you do it, but it's possible that you don't hit the same areas he does, and it triggers something unpleasant.
This all said, I'm also going to agree with the others in that I do it better than BF. BF agrees when it comes to himself. It's part of knowing yourself better than anyone else, having your body for however many years old you are.
honestly, I just started using a vibrator, and I can definitly agree with a few of the PP's.
When I first started, I realized the more I did it, the more I liked it. Practice makes perfect! And it's so much better when you aren't worried about it. I like to have FI put a little lube (and I mean a little! A lot goes a LONG way. Too much and you don't feel it) on his finger before he touches my clit and/or vagina at all. I'm also a huge fan of oral. = )
My FH had had multiple partners before we got together and so I considered him experienced. However for the first year he was under the impression that I could orgasm just by us having intercourse and he assumed if he came then so did I. What does this story mean for you? It means men have no clue about the female body no matter how many sexual partners they have had. I had to explain (in a adoring way) what I needed to enjoy myself and now 5 years later we are both still learning what the other person loves. Use your words, you know what gets you off; now explain it to your husband
I feel like I heard Dr. Drew on Loveline address a woman who had a similar problem. I think he said that extremely painful sex can be a medical problem. You should definitely talk to your gynecologist about it.
and i would also suggest googling your birth control and see if its affecting how you feel - ive heard of some women losing their libedo due to some brands
Wow lots of great advice and I am not going to lie I didn't read the last few points.
First off when it comes to Orgasms I can make myself have one in a minute flat - I know what to do and I use it as a relief!
When I am with my FI it takes me A LOT longer (thank goodness ;-)) But I need him to do a certain thing to get me to "GO". This may be TMI - I get more orgasms externally (as most women do) and I need him to have his lower abdomen/pelvis rubbing against me and I have to have my labia majora open so that the clitoris is having friction. *Sorry I didn't know how to say it politely* This is not the same way he "GOs" - he needs more of a jack rabbit type action that really does nothing for me. So when we are ready to "GO" he gets me off first and then he goes afterwards and it works for us.
You just need to find what works for you and it will take time.
Also when I am in my head I cannot go no matter how hard we try and I think that may be your main problem. Your thinking about it too much and associating sex with negative thoughts and feelings.
My suggestion is to play the teasing game - get him to give you a massage and then the massage will turn into a teasing game to make you want him NOW! Do this until you are REALLY "naturally lubed" and you can't take it any longer and NEED him inside of you. Hopefully this will relax you and create a pleasurable exeperience.
One last note - are you using condoms? If yes have you checked to see if you have a latex allergy - I had a friend who had a latex allergy and didn't know and so she thought sex was just going to be painful forever. She changed condoms and everything got better ;-)
I wish you ALL the luck in the world and I do think it will get better!
I think everyone has given you great advice here. To me i also think that it's mostly in your head. You didn't emphasize too much on pain.. Is it uncomfortable every time now? To me i felt that you are putting too much pressure on having a orgasm. Which that takes alot of practice (for alot of people) to get in sync with eachother for that. Some girls are lucky enough that it's really easy! So don't try to stress it too much, and keep practicing ;p
Sometimes its just getting over the illusion that you both have to orgasm, or that you can at the same time. It took me a while to get into it, but it's totally different than expected. You got some really great advice here...but don't feel like it will change over night! Be patient, adjust expectations, and have fun!
Wine and music! And good food. Not a solution exactly but can help a lot a lot. Tipsy is relaxed.
not a doc but it ma be possible that your body has gotten so use to u pleasuring urself that its difficult for him to arouse u the ay u do.wht ycan do is may be have a glass of wine or whatever ur choice of alchol is and show him how u touch urelf asnd get him to imitate what u do.maybe then u guys might enjoy urselves.
I agree with what the PP have said. I just wanted to add that I've been sexually active for 8 years, and it wasn't until last year that I had an orgasm during sex. I can always make myself finish in a few minutes though. It's just completely different during sex, and it took me a loooong time to figure out what worked when there was another person involved. Just be patient with it. Finish before or after sex if sex isn't doing it for you right now, and obviously keep working on it. You will both figure it out eventually.
Don't worry, eventually you guys will master each other in the bedroom. Don't be afraid to tell and show him where to touch you. I would suggest getting on top because that way you can use a small toy or stimulate yourself with your fingers. Don't be shy, this is your husband! I'm not worried about you because sex is an easy fix.... practice makes perfect!
I can certainly understand this as I have never reached orgasm during intercourse without using a vibrator. My BF is the best sex partner I have ever had, and sometimes he gets me so close to coming just by being inside me, but I can't seem completely "let go".
I started having sex 6 years ago, 5 years before I met my BF, and before I met him I never enjoyed sexual intercourse once. I particularly disliked receiving oral sex as it gave me no pleasure whatsoever. My problems are due the fact that I was sexually abused when I was 13. Luckily I told my BF of this early on and he has been so loving and supportive, which has really helped me enjoy sex with him.
My love for him is so strong and we have such a great physical chemstry that my body responds really well to sexual stimulation when I'm with him. But still, no orgasm. I've only had a orgasm a few times with him and that was when I used a vibrator to finish off after he had come. At the same time I don't want to do this too often as I don't want to become "dependent" on the vibrator for pleasure.
My advice is: don't treat orgasm as a goal that needs to be reached during sex. One technique I learned in order to enjoy it more was to focus on the sensual aspect of sex with my BF; the kisses, the closeness, feeling his hands on my body, feeling his naked body against mine, the sensation of having him inside me, and also the joy of giving him pleasure. Once I started focusing more on these things I found that I was able to relax more during sex and therefore enjoy it more myself. Also, whenever your husband does something that feels good, make sure you tell him, communication really helps :)
Trust me, I know how frustrating it is not being able to enjoy sex. And I also don't think you should worry about whether he thinks you're bad in bed. I am sure he doesn't think that, he just wants to you to enjoy it as much as he does :)
I have actually heard that you shouldn't use a vibrator because your clitoris will get so use to the vibration that normal stimuli can't make you orgasm. Whether or not this is true, I don't know. I mean, it makes sense to me.
I'm sorry :( That is so frustrating. All I can really say is to try and relax. If you're so worked up over it, it will be hard to enjoy it. Just let your mind focus on the sensation, and not about the grand finale, it will come in time.
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