Post # 1
FI asked me to get some input b/c you are all very helpful!
Background- FI has had a best friend “Hank” since they were 14. Hank got married 3 years ago. None of his friends really like her, but have always been nice to her despite her dramatics, fight picking, and drunken rages. The first time I met her she was drunk and obnoxious but gave her a 2nd chance and she turned out to be cool with me. Could be b/c she is young.
Ok so last July FI and her got in to an argument; it escalted and FI was pretty non-offensive but she was pretty offensive with her words and even said some indirect comments about me. But to keep the peace later that night FI apologized but she would not hear it.
Since then FI and Hank’s relationship has become non existent. Before they use to hang out and talk on the phone all the time like teen girls. FI think she’s not allowing him to call FI. FI is hurt and even has called Hank to say that he misses talking to him. Hank didn’t even call him on his birthday just text him.
FI always thought Hank would be his best man but now doesn’t even think he’ll show up. He dropped off the std and Hank said “He thinks he might be available to attend.” So now FI’s hurt has become anger towards the wife. He does not want her at the wedding now and even thinks if she drinks too much she may cause a scene.
So, FI wants to address the invite only to Hank and not the wife. I told him if he does that any chance of him coming is gone b/c there’s no way he’ll be able to go alone.
What do you guys think? Any advice?
Post # 3
I don’t think it is right to address an invite to only one person in a married couple.
Post # 4
Oh boy, tricky one.
I would say if your FI wants any chance of salvaging his relationship with Hank, he needs to invite Hank + Hank’s wife. However, it seems like the relationship might be too far gone to salvage at this point, in which case I would invite neither of them.
Post # 5
I agree with you, it sounds like if he doesn’t address the invite to both of them then there will be zero chance of him coming. If someone is married, you pretty much have to invite the spouse. If they were just dating it could be different I think…
I would tell him that even though it is devastating, don’t ask him to be the best man. The best man needs to be someone that you can rely on and that will cause no drama… When it comes to that, you need someone that you have a stable relationship with and can trust them to help your day go smoothly.
I would invite them both… if they don’t show up though, then I’m pretty sure that would be an indicator that the friendship may truly be over.
Tell him I’m sorry for his situation! I know how it feels to lose a best friend because of their SO. It is awful.
Post # 6
If they’re married that’s a big etiquette no no to not invite his wife they’re a package deal.
Post # 7
Etiquette rules would dictate that you can’t just invite one member of a married couple. I would suggest your FI contact Hank and have a frank discussion about what’s going on and how he’s feeling. Let him know that he’s concerned about the wife being at the wedding, and see what Hank says. But I don’t think you should only invite Hank, nor do I think either of them would come if you did that. It would probably just make the situation worse–and if you FI really misses Hank, alienating the wife further is not going to help! Good luck!
Post # 8
Really really crappy situation, but inviting only Hank will do no good. It will completely kill any thread of a relationship they have left. If he is done with the friendship, don’t invite either of them. If he wants to try to revive the friendship then he should invite both of them, but maybe try to gently express to Hank his concerns about his wife’s behavior and ask him to try to avoid any possible issues.
Post # 9
Since they have the STD, I think you need to invite them. And the wife pretty much has to be invited if her husband is.
Post # 10
I feel your pain. A good male friend of mine is super sweet and a very nice person but he married a shrew! She is alwasy negative and bossy and she ruins the good time for the whole group. But we still felt we had to invite them both to the wedding. She actually did cause a scene that upset me. She told my photographer not to take a photo of me and my best friends because she wasn’t in it! Not wanting to argue with a screaming lady, my photographer complied and we didn’t get the shot. I’m still upset about it. So I guess my advice would be that maybe you just don’t invite either of them, if you’re sure she will cause a scene. It’s a shame that some people just can’t be nice for a few hours!
Post # 11
I would invite both, but consider a different groomsman. In situations like that, the spouse wins, even if she’s a crazy drunk. Though if she keeps disrespecting him and being such a witch, I’d advise you and your FI to keep trying to reach out to Hank – he’ll need a friend. I’m sure you guys aren’t the only people whose relationship has been disrupted w/ her nuttiness.
Post # 12
ditto @heathaah just have a GM at the ready to kick her/them out (or any other drunken guest if making a scene)
Post # 13
I am sorry your FI is having to go through this. Unfortunately, you are going to have to either invite them both or not invite them at all.
If at all possible, I suggest that you FI, text his friend and have him meet him for lunch somewhere, so that they can clear the air and see if they can get back to being friends again. If the meeting doesn’t go well, then I am sorry, but your FI is going to have to just move on without him.
Post # 14
Thanks ladies! Yeah he’s pretty down about it; more than he shows. I saw him getting teary eyed when he was talking to him that one time and felt bad. He tried hard to apologize, even though I think it was more her fault. This is not the first fight she’s picked with someone, it’s really unfair. And the way he just brushed off the std was hurtful.
I think he should address it to them both and maybe just try to avoid her? If she makes a scene at the wedding then she can be escorted out or Hank can take her home
Post # 15
I’m so sorry you are both in this position. If your husband can stomach it, perhaps he could maintain a peripheral friendship with Hank – very rare phone calls, occasional emails that wish him well. For as long as Hank and the immature brat stay married, your FI and Hank’s friendship is toast. But your husband can keep the door open to restart the friendship after Hank’s marriage collapses. That’s up to him – he has every right to be so annoyed with Hank that he’d rather end the friendship.
Post # 16
Inviting just him and not the wife will be seen as an intentional insult, and it will guarantee that the relationship is over. I would say that your FI needs to have a very frank talk with Hank about the situation, or if Hank won’t meet with him, write out a letter saying how he misses the friendship, lets let bygones be bygones, etc. If Hank responds positively, then invite both of them as a gesture of goodwill and to help get the relationship back on track. If he refuses to meet or doesn’t respond to the letter, don’t invite either of them. A save the date does not mean you have to invite someone who is giving you the silent treatment. But yeah, the husband and wife have to be invited together, and anyway there are better ways of addressing the situation than using your wedding invitation to make a statement.