- 4 years ago
Hi bees! If you followed my story (link: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/engaged-for-18-months-and-fi-still-wont-tell-his-parents-emotional-abuse/#post-7535922 not sure how to link as text) you know that I desperately wanted to be engaged for my SO not to leave me, so I made up in my head that we actually were. I have abandonment issues and put up with his moodiness and impoliteness for fear of him leaving me. I told him that the walking on eggshells needs to stop, and he agreed to therapy. We decided to use my self-bought ring as some sort of promise ring, and he wanted one of his own.
We have since gone to my therapist weekly (thank god for subsidised therapy!) and worked on our communication. Lots of uncomfortable truths were brought up, tears were cried, but we have come out stronger than before. Our home situation has improved, he’s starting to communicate when he’s moody and irritable, and I’m starting to learn to not misinterpret the situation and being more independent. We still have a long way to go, and I must work on myself and coping with my BPD in individual therapy. It feels so great to not live with a ticking bomb anymore.
One other thing also improved: he decided to spontaneously tell his mom (over the phone, his parents casually call every now and then to check on us and ask how we’re doing) that we’re thinking about getting married! I laid off the marriage talk after we went and got him a promise ring (it still sounds so embarrassing for a 25 and 27 year old, hehe) and haven’t mentioned engagement or marriage since. I started to wear my ring as a RHR so I could wear it with pride whenever, whereever. But it feels wrong, it reminds me of the whole “engagement” being a “dirty secret”, so I’m not sure if I want to keep this ring at all. I want to wait for one from him, from the bottom of his heart when he’s ready to propose to me. I’m thinking of selling or pawning it.
His mom’s reaction? “Oh my god, we’re so happy for you! This is great news! Any plans of a proposal soon?” Told you, Mr. anonbee8896, what was so scary about that? What did he expect, “hell no, we hate her, she’s not good for you, we don’t want her in the family”? It probably was something along those lines, maybe because I have these mental issues. His parents really like me, they say that I’m good for their son. They seem to be nothing but happy about having me as a DIL. I only heard one side of the conversation, of course, but at one point he said to his mom that he will propose when he’s ready. Not if, but when. He’s not ready right now, but the timeline of our original marriage conversation was after he’s done with grad school, so it’s coming in a couple of years. I just desperately wanted to be engaged because in my mind, that would bind him to me so that he wouldn’t leave.
And, to be honest, I’m nowhere ready for marriage myself as long as I have these issues. My therapist has referred SO to another therapist so he can finally start individual therapy. His social phobia makes it difficult for him to pick up the phone and call a therapist or even book appointments at an office, so now he will be contacted by the therapist and an appointment will be set. We thought that it’s for the best to have separate individual therapists. Maybe we will start seeing a third couples’ therapist just to have someone more neutral.
I just wanted to share the development with y’all. I feel much better now, I can breathe and relax at home. I’ve started doing things on my own, I’m seeing my friends more often and looking for activities such as photography or scuba diving lessons. Thank you for giving me the tips on how to make me occupied and not have my life revolving around SO.