Post # 1
This is so frustrating. FMIL is very much into keeping up appearances, while I am not. She also hasn’t managed to hang on to any female friends over the years.
This means that the two women she confides in ( a.k.a. Bitches about FI and I) to are: my good friend that is in the bridal party, who happens to be her nail tech – and my FI’s brother’s girlfriend ( we adore each other, and she is also a BM).
She has never once voiced to FI or myself ANY issues with our wedding planning whatsoever.
from both my BM ( nail tech) and my BM (future SIL), I have heard ALL sorts of things.
FMiL is pissed that we’re not having cake (bucking tradition.) I bought my own wedding band ( got it on sale, it’s plain white gold, we can upgrade later if we want.) I’d be just as happy not having a bridal shower ( dislike being the center of attention.) etcetera etcetera ETCETERA.
All of these things ultimately stem from her being afraid that they will be judged for our choices.
I would really like to open up a conversation with her about all of this… But she had never brought it up to me directly. I do NOT want to throw my girlfriends under the bus. Any ideas?
Post # 3
How do these two women feel about her complaining? How do they respond? If they’re comfortable enough, they should ask her if she’s spoken to you guys about her “concerns.” If they’re not comfortable saying something like that, then there’s not much you can do without throwing them under the bus.
Your MIL is probably hoping that they’ll tell you what she said so she doesn’t have to. I would not indulge her in that kind of game or waste a second worrying about her opinion. If these things are that important to her then she can speak with you directly about them.
Post # 4
Why are your so-called friends telling you all this? I’m not sure why they’d even get involved and then run back to you with all these upsetting tidbits.
Post # 5
@ItWasntMe: yea…I was thinking the same thing. If I overhear stupid gossip I don’t run and tell my friends unless it’s something they really need to know. Why upset them. And if someone was directly complaining to me about stuff I would tell them to stop putting me in that position and bitch to someone else.
Honestly – her nail tech? What is this? Legally Blonde?
I wouldn’t talk to the mother. Let her worry about what people think of her. That’s her punishment for talking behind your back like a child.
Post # 6
@ANGELaaimt: Some women love to gossip. The cycle just gets worse when folks decide to repeat it. If it isn’t directly impacting your life, I wouldn’t care about it. Why does it matter what she thinks? As long as you and your FI are happy, that is all that is important.
Post # 7
How slimy! She’s saying it to your friends knowing it’ll get back to you! Yuck!
I would let her stew, and continue pretending that you are bissfully unaware and joyously planning your wedding!
Post # 8
@lampshade: I think they’re both in a pretty awkward position. One of them being her nail tech, and one of them a (I hope) future DIL herself.
I’d normally agree that she might be hoping they’ll tell me so she won’t have to, but I’ve known her too long now. She is, unfortunately, sweet as can be to everyone’s face, and delights in talking behind people’s backs. I’m guessing that’s why she hasn’t retained any female friendships. 🙁
@ItWasntMe: @mousepeach: They’re not running back to me to tell me these things. In many cases, quite a bit of time has gone by before it’s come up in conversation. If you think they’re trying to start drama, that’s not the case. I would want to know if there was an issue, and I think they handled it the best way they could.
@MrsPanda99: I understand the love of gossip some women have, and that’s fine. I guess I’m just bummed that she won’t talk to me about the issues she has with the direction we’re going. If she did, I’d be more than willing to compromise. I’d really like to have a good relationship with her, and I don’t feel like we can do that if she won’t talk to me.
@BrandNewBride: I would honestly be surprised if she thought it would get back to me. It’s something to think about, I guess, but I don’t think she’s ever really been confronted about her behavior before. I don’t think she’s aware that she’s so transparent.
Post # 9
To clarify, my feelings aren’t hurt. It really isn’t a big deal to me what people think of our choices. That being said, I would like to have a good and open relationship with my FMIL. If she feels strongly about something for a good reason, I would like to respect her wishes. I don’t know how to communicate that to her without pulling the rug out from under her.
Ideally, I’d like to give her the chance to save face, and not put these other women in an awkward position.
Might not be possible to do that
Post # 10
@ANGELaaimt: I would just forget the gossip then and bring your main concern up to her – you want to have a good relationship with her and have good communication with her. Nothing ever changes unless the people actually involved talk it out and reach some kind of resolution. You don’t have to say, “I heard x from so and so” but you could say, “I’d really love to get your feedback on the wedding. We want to accomodate everyone.” That will only work if you actually do want to accomodate everyone and will actually address her concerns/issues. If you aren’t going to change what you’re doing anyway, then there’s no point.
Post # 11
@MrsPanda99: Thank you! That’s a great suggestion 🙂 I do want to leave the door open for a compromise, at least. 🙂
I think this will work!
Post # 12
I really think it is the best approach. If someone has been talking badly about you, they are going to fell pretty shitty when you approach them so positively and honestly to say that you want a relationship with them and are asking what you can do to improve that relationship. I really do find this approach disarms people and because they are so surprised you even asked (usually people just continue the trend of gossip and the two parties involved never even speak), they are honest with you.
Instead of seeing it as negative, try seeing it as a way to make your relationship with her better 🙂