Post # 1
I love SO very much, but he is not romantically minded. We have been together for 2.5 years and every date, anniversary, valentine’s day, etc. has been planned by me (in terms of making reservations, thinking of fun things to do). Usually I remind him a few weeks in advance and it gets to the week of and I just make the reservation because he still has not done it. This valentine’s day I did give him reminders, but I left the reservations up to him. Here we are 2 days before valentines day and I ask him if we have a reservation for Friday. Surprise surprise, I get a guilty “no” and he proceeds to call 5 restaurants in front of me to try to make a last minute reservation. Of course they are all full. I am not the type of girl who needs flowers and grand gestures all the time, but it upsets me so much that for once he can’t get his stuff together and show that he has made some bit of effort. Any advice on how to deal with this/any other bees with extremely unromantic SOs who can’t seem to get their stuff together and get anything done on their own?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@cbj9: I think you have to deal with this one of two ways: 1) realize he’s just not going to plan out romantic dates or V-day reservations and deal with it by making the plans yourself; or 2) realize that this is a major issue for you that you aren’t willing to compromise on and end the relationship. If he hasn’t figured it out and changed in 2.5 years when you’ve pointed it before and shown him your disappointment, then he’s unlikely to magically start taking care of this stuff now.
Post # 4
No advice but my SO just made his reservations today too even though I asked multiple times.
Is he romantic in other ways? my SO will write be nice messages on special occasions, overall I wouldn’t say hes romantic but he does do that and I like it.
ETA: Just remembered he did have the plan to go to a non busy restaurant….its a little hole in the wall with great food no one seems to know about I would have been happy to go there but its not the same as him planning for once. I do all the planning too so I hear ya!
Post # 5
I know that can be very disappointing 🙁 DH is not big on planning either. Like ever. What we do now is have a discussion together about what we want to do for anniversaries, V-day, birthdays etc. and call and make reservations together. It may not be the most romantic, but there is no guilt, hurt, or bad feelings. We both get what we wanted, so it works out best in the end!
Post # 6
@cbj9: My FI is not romantic at all. I have accepted it as who he is, and I plan stuff for us to do. It’s not that he doesn’t love me – he just doesnt see the point in stuff like Valentines Day, etc. He did send me flowers for our two year anniversary, but that was after I called him unromantic about 19230 times. LOL.
You make the plans…and he pays! LOL
Post # 7
Well literally about 20 minutes ago my FI got home and immediately called a restaurant, which he was planning to take me to for Valentines Day for the last couple of weeks of course they are full. He did ask me if I wanted to go there at 4pm when they have reservations still opened which I don’t. I did tell him that name of another place that I’m interested in trying but he still hasn’t called them, not that I think they really will have anything opened that night. I told him last week that since Valentines Day was a Friday it would be particularly hard to get reservaions and that he should make them early. He procrastinates about EVERYTHING which I hate. We have lost so many opertunities because of his procrastination and its not like he is a busy guy. Oh last year’s Valentines Day we didn’t do anything because he didn’t “feel like it” he said he would take me out some other day to make up for it – did not happen. He said this year would be better but it doesn’t look like it. Sorry for the rant.
Post # 9
You either end the relationship or you make the reservations. He isn’t going to change, he may remember once in awhile but this is pretty much what your life is going to be. I have a cousin that left her husband because he never made the plans and she was sick of it, after 22 years.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
This is an excellent answer.
Honestly I think you’re overreacting. He probably won’t change, this is who he is, and that’s okay. So this is either a dealbreaker to you OR you can just go ahead and book the table yourself, since you’re the one who remembered.
Sure it isn’t as romantic for you, but neither is resenting your SO every Valentines.
Post # 11
I’ve been with FI for 5 years now, well actually 5 years on Valentines day lol. He has not planned a single date on his own. He hands me his card and I plan everything out. It would be nice if he stepped up and just did it himself but that is not the man I am with, he’ll make me cookies, get me my favorite food when I want it, will pretty much do anything I ask (with in reason). He is so sweet and loving, he just cannot plan dates. Sounds like thats the kind of guy you got. Unless he has a come to jeasus moment then you need to change your expectations. My not so new expectations are that I need him to take me out on special occasions or just because, but I don’t need him to plan it. I’m happy that he takes the time to take me out for a nice night, it doesn’t matter who plans it.
Post # 13
@cbj9: Yeah, it sucks. My FI isn’t great at the big things (doesn’t plan anything for my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day… unless I ask him to and then it’s hit or miss). He is great at day-to-day making me feel loved though, and I’ll take that over big romantic gestures a couple times a year.
I think like others have said, you’re probably going to continue to do the planning in your relationship because that’s just who you fell in love with. But I’m sure there are things that he does that you are happy to let him do.
Post # 14
kinda harsh from the poster who said he would never change
it took my DH 5 years into dating to start doing that on his own. we are married now and hes gotten much better at it. it took my DH a while to get the hang of being romantic. hes just a rough and tough kind of guy and im a disney princess . LOL so i know its frustrating and i might be an exception but ….its only been 2.5 years. it takes a long time for guys to get the hang of things espessially if they wornt in long term relationships before. they will always need the reminders but what do you know one day he will make a reservation all by himself at your fav. place to eat and suprise you with a gift for no reason. my first V-day with SO was when i was 19 and he showed up drunk with ugly dead looking flowers. makes for a hilarious story today but wasnt funny at the time. in the last three years though… hes grown up a million times over!! 2012 we spent it in hawaii snorkling and kayaking. doesnt get any better than that. Over time i just tried to make it clear without being too pushy that him being romantic is something i adore, just like how he likes it when im super sexy. Lets face it , being romantic is a turn on. Guys have a hard time wrapping their head around that. dont get me wrong hes gotten wayyyy better but is still a little ….. romanticly handicapped. he told me he used to avoid his girlfriends (in the past) around this holiday because of all the pressure and hype surrounding it.
Post # 15
I’d just leave him alone about it. If you don’t make a big deal out of those events maybe one day he’ll miss doing those things and get his act together. If that’s just how he is I wouldn’t try to change him. We have never celebrate an anniversary or valentine’s day because he doesn’t act interested so I’m not going to make him do anything. Give him a break.
Post # 16
So, I totally get why you’re upset. I’d probably be pissed too. But you have to figure out what you can live with. If he isn’t all that romantic, but shows you he loves you by being understanding/considerate in other little ways (maybe he cooks dinner or picks you up from work) then you can remember he’s not totally clueless.
My husband doesn’t really plan anything either. It bothers me sometimes, because OF COURSE it would be nice to go on a surprise date or something but he’s not spontaneous and would 1000% rather get a pizza delivered than eat out with me. But whenever I get mopey I have to remember this is not some crazy way of him trying to tell me he doesn’t love me anymore–because that’s psycho. He’s just laid back.
So I’ve made all the reservations since we started dating. In fact, once we went to a nice place for an anniversary (dating, not marriage) and the people asked if it was a special occasion. I wouldn’t usually say anything but I thought hey what the heck and told them it was our anniversary. Surprise, suprise, the restaurant set up this beautiful table and free dessert and a card that said “Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Maiden Name!” We told the waiter we weren’t married yet but it was so funny to have my BF called Mr. Maiden Name throughout dinner.
For our 4 year dating anniversary he did take me out to a nice restaurant and HE MADE THE RESERVATION. It was awesome.
Besides remembering he’s not trying to secretly tell you something through forgetting Valentine’s Day, the only other piece of advice I have is to have a weekly date night or something that reminds you both to do something fun each week. Even if it’s dinner and a movie at home or going kayaking or to happy hour, you have to get out of the house together sometimes.