Post # 1
I really hate to say this but my bridal party (with the exception of my Maid of Honor) have me stressed and sick of wedding planning. I have gotten no help from anyone at all. My Matron of Honor (grooms sis) lives within 30 minutes of me & the only thing she has done is gotten her dress & her daughter’s FG dress & won’t even talk to me about the wedding. My Maid of Honor & a BM are 3.-4 hours away, so I know they can’t do much. But my MOH has been my sounding board and given opinion of things I’ve done & sent pics of. She has been a huge support aside from my FI in all this wedding chaos. My niece (BM) just ordered her dress and informed me that she didn’t really like the color. And when I told her about the MUA, which I’m not requiring, she said I think it’s a bit ridiculous since in X’s wedding I only had to pay for my dress. Aside from that nothing. My last BM is my youngest sis who is 24. She has done nothing but talk about how it’s not my first wedding and buck anything I’ve asked her to do. I asked the girls to wear their hair up, she refused. I thought that your bridal party was supposed to be there for you & try to help make the planning easier. Do I have bridal party duties skewed in my head? I sent a mass text to all the girls asking about favorites (to help me with their gifts) and only 2 girls replied back. I’m planning on having my hair & makeup done pro. I am not requiring my girls to have this done, but I have told them about it and the cost. I asked them to let me know what they wanted to do so I could let the MUA know what all she was going to be doing the day of, only 2 have responded. I’ve tried to be accomodating to everyone. I picked the colors, length, & fabric of dress other than that they could pick whatever style they wanted. I got the makeup/hair info so they would have it if they wanted it. I even considered moving my date to august so that they wouldn’t have to deal with traveling during school year ( one has kids & one is teacher).
I’m starting to feel like I’m not supposed to be excited or feel special because it’s not my first wedding 🙁 Please tell me if I’m just being bitchy or if I’m justified in feeling like noone cares besides my Maid of Honor.
Post # 2
oilfieldhoney: First, I think it is rude of them to ignore you. That is just immature and does nothing to help the situation. However, I am of the camp that the only duty of the bridesmaids is to stand next to you on the day of your wedding, nothing else. It is not their job to make planning easier or anything along those lines. Friends are not free labor for anyone’s wedding. I would suggest, if you want their makeup done (it sounds like you have been clear it is optional) paying for it yourself. I would also (and this is just my own preference) letting them choose the hairstyle that works best for them. Now, if you want it up, then you can tell them you just want their hair up, whatever style they choose to do that is their choice. I would just be clear what you expect from them on the day of the wedding, but don’t expect much else from them before that.
Post # 3
Most Bees will tell you that it’s your bridal party’s job to show up sober (ish) on the day, wearing the dress and shoes you picked out. While I understand this sentiment I don’t know if I entirely agree with it.
No one will be as excited about your big day as you are. Not even your closest friends and family. However, I don’t know about you, but I picked my bridesmaids because they were my closest friends and I’ve always come to them for love and support. And they showed that to me during the wedding planning process. Your bridal party should be loving and supportive during this busy time in your life.
That’s not to say they are “slave labor” and you should talk about the wedding all the time with them. I don’t know the whole story here but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to at least be happy for you. Perhaps have a chat with those who have sort of been peeing on your parade. Those that have said it’s not important because it’s not your first or griped about the dress color. Let them know that you love them and are happy they are helping you celebrate this special time but that your feelings have been hurt by their behavior. Sorry you’re struggling, OP. My thoughts are with you!
Post # 4
I’m to the point that I have zero expectations from any of the bridal party anymore. After all the comments about dresses, hair, and not being my first wedding I feel like their feelings about me have been shown. I chose my Matron (grooms sis) bc we seemed to be building a good relationship and I wanted our families included in ceremony. My Maid is my best friend and I can talk to her about anything. She has shown me as much support as possible from a distance. My niece (BM) has always been close, more like sisters. And then there is my younger sister, she is a BM bc she is my sister and I didn’t want any drama from her not being in wedding. Turns out she has been the WORST about everything.
And I don’t expect free labor, but it would be nice if they asked if there was anything they could help with or just be there for me to bounce ideas off of when I do finish one of my DIY projects. Aside from my FSIL the rest of the bridal party are all over hours away, so I know they can’t physically do anything.
Post # 5
When you talk to them, do you tak about anything besides your wedding? It’s a very exciting time in your life, but remember, your friends and family may be burned out on hearing about all of your projects, details, etc. You also mention this isn’t your first wedding. Did you have the same maids (I’m guessing yes since you mentioned one was your sister). Maybe after they went through all of this with your first wedding, they are not as enthusiastic with this one. That doesn’t mean it’s any less special but in their minds it may be a ‘been there, done that’ kind of thing as far as their involvement.
Post # 6
I think you should hire a wedding planner. They will give you all kinds of feedback/suggestions/vendor recommendations for your wedding. Or ask any of us on the bee if you need suggestions/feedback!
It could be that your bms are not as invested as they should be. But what I think is more likely is that most of them just don’t know. It all comes down to your vision and how you want the day to go. Out of my four bms, I really only talk to my MOH about the wedding and that’s because I know she loves weddings. My other bms are amazing friends, but none of them are event planners and I wouldn’t expect them to suddenly start caring about centerpieces. They have given me all the emotional support a girl could want and that’s what matters.
I would just be prepared for more of this as the date approaches. People won’t pay attention. They won’t RSVP by the deadline, they won’t book their hotel in time to get the rate, they won’t check the web site and will ask you a million times where the rehearsal dinner is, etc. It’s a casual kind of thoughtlessness, but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to celebrate and support you in your marriage.
Post # 7
oilfieldhoney: I’m sorry you’re having a tough go with your bridal party. In my opinion, bridal parties are more often drama and hassle than anything else!
It doesn’t sound like you’ve asked for anything crazy, but on the other hand, I don’t think your BM’s have actively done much wrong, just haven’t been too responsive. That’s a bit annoying, but I’ll bet it’s more that they are busy rather than that they are being passive agressive. Do your best not to let it get to you.
On the bright side, at least you’ve got a MOH who’s super into helping and chatting about the wedding! 😀
Post # 8
oilfieldhoney: when is your wedding? A lot of bridesmaids don’t respond to things early on. Often because they don’t know the answers to your questions or it’s too early for them to think abt it yet but they don’t want to say that to you. Lower your expectations- just like a party RSVP, a lot of bridesmaids dont respond to random optional questions. It’s fine. I know my girls enough (and you probably do too) to pick out presents and colors etc they’ll each like even tho maybe 3 took months to respond to one set of my questions and 1-2 never responded. It’s fine. They have their dresses and their shoes. So all is well. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Also, a lot of the questions I asked very early on (8 mos out or more) and that maybe 2-3 didn’t answer? They ended up being completely irrelevant. So wait a bit and you can actually get answers (although maybe late ones) to things you really need to know. My girls can all wear whatever dress and shoes they want within a certain color. I’d told them all along to please send me pics of both (on them or from online ad or on hanger/in box) by 1 month out. Most did, some didn’t. So I followed up individually asking too. Never said they were “late” or missed a deadline and I didn’t stress. Eventually I sent another group email saying status of dresses/shoes for each girl and for girls who hadn’t sent me stuff to please send me pics by 2 wks out. And by now they all have. Nobody got stressed or made to feel bad for missing any “deadline” but I ended up haging what I wanted just a tad bit later.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
If they’re making snarky comments about the dresses or about it not being your first wedding, that’s unkind. But if they’re just not falling over themselves to help you with DIY, or if they’re unreceptive to the idea of a paid make-up artist, then it’s really not worth getting upset about. As others have said, this is your wedding; no one will be as excited about it as you will (except your FI, of course.) You say you’re close to all of these women – do you want to continue the relationships after your wedding? If so, pressuring them and getting hurt by simple, irrelevant things like them not volunteering proactively to help with things is not going to be a useful set of emotions. You’re entitled to feel any way you like, of course, but letting go of those feelings in this case would be a LOT more productive both for your future relationships with those girls and for your own emotional wellbeing.
Relax. It’s just a wedding 🙂 If you start off unmarried and finish married, it’s successful, and everything else is details!
Post # 10
oilfieldhoney: bridal party duties are to show up on the day, in the dress. They are not required to help plan YOUR wedding.
In regards to the hair – If you are paying for it then they need to wear it how you want.(IMO at least).
Post # 11
They are your bridal party not employees to help you. I know it would be amazing if they came and spent time helping you but most people do not want to do that. I didn’t ask my BP for any help at all. I think that’s why I had no issues out of the 6 of them. I also rarely talked about my wedding unless asked. That’s what my FI was for and/or a planner or coordinator.
Post # 12
You’ve given them the option of having hair and makeup done. They’ve declined and one commented it was too expensive. They’ve got their dresses. I’m not sure what the issue is? And of course they won’t be as excited for your second wedding as they were for your first, and nowhere near as excited as you are. That’s just normal. I think you need to reset your expectations a bit.
Post # 13
What Horseradish said. You may have built up an imaginary scenario in your head where your bridal party was gushing about your wedding. That’s not real life. Unless there are more egregious offenses than you have documented, they really haven”t done anything terribly wrong.
Other than a comment from one who didn’t like the dress and one not wanting a MUA, there are no big issues. I left out your sister’s comments because really ,What do you expect from a younger sister?
Instead of focussing on the negative, concentrate on the MOH is so helpful.
Post # 14
I don’t see this as you being annoyed that they aren’t gushing about your wedding, this is more about lack of respect. They aren’t required to pitch in, but the least they could do is respond to questions about whether they want to have the MUA do their makeup, or what their preferences are when it comes to the gifts. That’s not unreasonable and I would be hurt that they couldn’t even be bothered to respond.
Post # 15
I understand. I’m going to through this except that it’s my mother that has taken no interest in my wedding (my first). The reality is that just because your wedding it’s a priority for you it may not be for others. It sucks. I agree with the PP just try and focus on the positive. I admit I’ve had my moments of anger and disappoinment. But I’ve decided not to let others attitudes take away my joy.