Post # 1
Would you be okay with your SO going out with friends till 3-6am 4-8 times a month? I trust him 100% , and these are mutual friends but I still feel that this is completely inapropriate. Were both in our early 20s so I dont want to feel like Im
that girl who controls her partner or prevents him from having fun… Last night he went out with friends and slept over somewhere else because he did not have a way to get back (friends were drunk, did not want to drive) , part of me thinks this is responsible, I dont want him driving but part of me is so upset! I don`t feel that this is okay when you are in a commited relationship. I hate waiting for him all night because I cant sleep , or waking up at 6 in the morning and hes still not home.
He does not seem to understand why this is a big deal. He says he just wants to have fun. This is how all of our friends behave so its normalized. Ive tried talking to him about it soooo many times and it
s just not working. Hes not hearing me. We have been to counseling where this was talked about and its still a problem.
I feel like Im at my wits end with this.
Post # 3
I think that’s very typical for a guy in his early 20s, honestly. Of course not every guy is like that, but I’d say the vast majority are. I think as long as he’s not cheating or doing anything illegal, it’s fine. Going out once or twice a week isn’t that bad.
Post # 4
I guess at at least he is being safe and you say he is in his early twenties, so this isn’t too far out of the norm. If it bothers you that you wake up and he’s not home, maybe he could text you when he is not able to make it home and let you know where he is staying or call for a ride home. I don’t think what he is doing is that big of a deal, but I think the two of you need to find a way that both of you are on the same page about it.
Post # 5
If you have voiced that this isn’t something you are ok with and he does it anyway then it’s disrespectful.
Post # 6
If it is bothering you that much, than it is a problem. It sounds like a big part of the problem is that you get worried- if he’s not back by six in the morning of course you are going to be worried if he’s okay! Maybe if you frame it in this way- the keeping you up, the worrying you- he will understand. Even if he doesn’t stop entirely, maybe he can cut back to once or twice a month and text you if he’s going to be out past a certain time. That way if you wake up, its 4 am, you can check your phone and be reassured he’s okay.
As for me, it would bother me because it would be completely out of character for my FI, so I would know that something was up. Once in a blue moon he’ll go out until 2ish (our bars close at 1:30 here) with some friends, but thats it. Niether of us are really partiers, so it seems inappropriate to me- but I’m not sure I can comment on it in that respect since its just so different from my personality.
Post # 7
I voted other and here’s why. You guys are I am assuming close to the same age as me the 21-25 range. Absolutely NONE of our friends have settled down and they all go out all night. When we do go out it is not realistic to expect the other back untill at least 4am.
Now that beIng said , because of our lifesituation we make it out Mabey once or twice a month.
We have ground rules too. Like if we have work or some other commitment the next day we won’t go out, or at least be back by 1-2am. If we have plans with each other then don’t even think aboutgoing.
Maturity wise he mIght be at a different place than you. If yOu can wait it out, he MIGHT get it eventually but you might have to take a serious look at your relationshiP and see if you want to stick around for him to mellow out.
Post # 8
I will sometimes go out with a friend and stay and her house because I don’t want to drive. And I’m 30 haha. It only happens less than once a month though, so I don’t think that’s too crazy. It’s the frequency that would bother me and mostly just because that means that’s less time he’s spending with me. Also, he defintely needs to calling you and letting you know he won’t be home!
Post # 9
I think that if it is a problem with you and you have said that, then it is not okay. I think it is something you two should talk about.
I’ll let you know that both my FI and I were like that in our early 20s. And even into our mid twenties. We started dating when I was 25 and he was 27, and even then we both did that for the first part of relationship.
Things have since changed, but we kind of changed together. I know for a fact that I just got tired of that kind of lifestyle, and made a change. I probably would have made that change with our without FI. I can’t say for sure that your SO will change, but given the fact he’s in his early twenties, I bet he will.
Post # 10
I would be fine with it, but you clearly are not. And if you’re not fine with it, then it’s a problem that needs to be addressed. Your SO should be fully invested in your relationship and with that, comes the requirement that he respect you. By doing something that hurts you so much, he’s disrespecting your relationship. Good luck!
Post # 11
It sounds a little excessive, but I know when I was in my early 20’s good luck telling me if and when I could go out.
Post # 12
Sounds like he’s exceptionally immature.
Post # 13
Unfortunately I think this is totally ‘normal’ for this age, I know I was raging pretty hard during these years. BUT! I also wasn’t in a relationship. Have you ever asked him to simply call and let you know that he won’t be home say, by 2am? That way you could at least know that he’s safe somewhere.
Post # 14
I do not think that is out of the norm for a 21 year old guy to go out partying with his boys until all hours of the morning. If you trsut him 100% this should not be an issue. The only problem is the fact that you are worrying. You should have him text you that he is ok and if he cannot make it home.
He may be at a different point in the relationship as you, if you force him to give up seeing his boys and partying and he’s too young; like a child he will rebel against you and this is going to cause more turmoil in your relationship.
Try and compromise, maybe not going out as frequently but don’t try and control him, as you will most likely lose him; especially if his friends aren’t in the committed relationship that you guys are in.
Post # 15
Just some added information, he is going to turn 24 next month so hes not that young, and he parties with a lot of people who are around thirty and still act this way. I guess Im worried that he will not grow out of it and I will be miserable like this for another 10 years before I realize that he wont change.
He does usualy text me to say hes alright and hes staying out later but I dont feel that this helps much. Because I still know hes not home and I don’t know what hes doing with his friends. Ill learn about the drama of what happened the next day or from friends and they all think its just funny.
It bothers me so much because I feel like Im constantly just waiting for him, when hes out having fun with other people. I feel totaly left out. I grew out of the whole party scene way earlier than him, I just find it boring and a little sad at this point (seeing some of our friends having substance abuse issues, not going anywhere in life, etc) . I also have a really intense school schedule and have had some health issues that prevent me from going out. It just makes me feel terrible. IDK
Hes absolutely wonderful in every other way so I don’t want to make him out to be a bad person, but this aspect of his life is having such an impact on our relationship that I can’t just ignore it. It does feel dissrespectful. Because I feel like Ive talked to him over and over about this and he just doesnt get it.
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
In early and mid 20s, I would be fine with this. If you were married, I would expect that to shift the behavior a bit, but not totally, because his friends are doing these things and he wants to be with his friends, which is fair. As you both get older, thie behavior will go away on its own.