So frustrating! Uninvited People…

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@phillybride87:  Call them back and clarify “I am sorry there was a misunderstanding, but the invite was only for you and your spouse. We are on a tight budget and I hope you understand.”

That’s what you do for people who RSVP for more than were invited.

As for family members inviting people who weren’t invited, that’s just poor taste. Let them know, kindly, that not everyone could be invited due to the budget. Don’t address the person who got the verbal invite, unless they bring it up to you. Most people know they aren’t invited if they didn’t get an invite (duh!).

For those sho say “I can’t wait to come!” You respond with “I’m sorry, we couldn’t invite everyone we wanted to because of our budget. I hope you understand.”

Everyone deals with this to a certain degree. I already had a cousin tell me how excited her and her boyfriend are for the wedding. She is 16 and not getting a plus one…but I let it slide for now. I am just hoping they either break up or are busy by the time the wedding comes around.

Post # 4
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’ve had a few not so close friends try inviting themselves. Whenever they say, “I can’t wait” or something of that note, I quickly reply that we are already over budget and at capacity and cannot invite everyone we know.

Post # 5
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

Definately address this with them. That is not okay. I know it isn’t easy, but it does sound necessary. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@phillybride87:  for the person who crossed out, yes, call up and say, “we’re so excited to have you come to the wedding but unfortunately can only accomodate you for 2 seats and that is specifically you and your FI. our wedding is very intimate and the venue can’t fit more than who we’ve invited” Ugh, I can’t believe you’re dealing with such rude people, maybe they’re young and don’t know any better.

Tell each family member that is inviting people, say something like

1) the venue has a fire code of ____ guests and any more people would create a fire hazard

2)OR, “hey, did you know that the costs of weddings has gone up dramatically since the old days? we’re really hoping to start our marriage debt-free and look forward to buying a home one day. So, for each guest you’ve invited that was not on our list, the cost is $___. We will happily take payment for that guest upfront. Cash only” And if they don’t get the hint, just tell them you can’t afford it, it’s not responsible to do this to you and damage your financial future and if they love you, they’d understand

 

To people who say “I can’t wait for the wedding!” reply, “We’re so excited too! It’ll be a very intimate celebration as our venue does not allow for a lot of people.”

 

Post # 7
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am going to include a little paper note with each of my invitations. Not directly on the invitation but in the envelope. 

 

“While we would love to accomodate extra people we have prepaid for a specific number of guests and must ask that you do not bring extra guests to the party. We also request no gifts, we just request the gift of your presence. Thanks in advance!

Post # 8
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would work on kindly mentioning it to people that you are just having a small wedding and don’t have the budget for many guests. 

The only concern I would have about not mentioning it is if they just show up! Your family members and other guests may let these other people know about the time/location and they will just crash the wedding even though they never received an invitation.

Some people with thing that even though you didn’t invite them you’d love it if they came because it was likely an oversight or another guest told them it was okay.

Post # 9
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@JessicaJupiter:  I’m also kind of worried about people just showing up. We won’t have room for any extras, so if someone else does show up, they’ll have to be asked to leave.

Don’t be ambiguous in your addressing of the issue, if you don’t have wiggle room for extras. Otherwise you may find yourself having to turn someone away on the day of the wedding, or awkwardly trying to squeeze them in somewhere.

Post # 10
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

I’m starting to notice some people (aka FMIL) think a wedding means a family reunion. That is not the case!! It’s to celebrate our union in marriage- and we just want those who mean the most to us- not every 2nd 3rd and 4th cousin- ESPECIALLY when FI hasn’t even met them!!! (sorry for the IL vent lol)

Post # 11
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@phillybride87:  I was fortunate to have a very flexible budget that allowed me to invite any and all, BUT when my MIL gave me a list of 20 additional people…people like this couple who used to rent land from her parent’s 15 years ago…I had to put my foot down and just tell her that unless she either wants to pay for people who have no business being there, they won’t be included. Or, like in the case of some of her stepdad’s neices and nephews, we just smiled, took her list, and then never sent them an invite. Other people’s weddings are a great excuse to invite everyone and their dog to enjoy free food and wine because someone was too cheap to entertain them themselves.

Post # 12
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@phillybride87:  PP gave you great advice.

I would also recommned you having a day of coordinator with a list of who is invited to stand at the door of your reception hall. Only those who RSVP will be allowed in to eat. Everyone else will have to wait until after food is served.

Post # 13
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I have already warned folks that the wedding is an intimate affair. If I am unable to allow a plus one, I will wait and see if they try to add on people, and then I will send a note back expressing that we are only inviting under 50 people, so we cannot include extras. I am putting on the invitation that it is special invite only, though. Some folks will be looking silly and having to go buy their own food at the restaurant next door if they show up uninvited. I do not have time or money for that.

Post # 14
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

This happened to me too! I feel your frustration. It is best to correct the issue right away. Call and explain that the budget is tight and you wish you could invite everyone, but you can’t.

In my situation, it was my husband’s family inviting extras. I had to sit down with my mother in law and explain how expensive adding extra people is. She had no idea about wedding costs (we paid for everthing on our own). I let her call the extra people that she invited and explain the situation.

 

Good Luck!

Post # 15
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I think my family were those force-invite guests once. Undecided

My grandpa remarried after my biological grandma died. His second wife, who was also my grandma in every way except biology for 26 years, died in 2011. Her kids and grandkids never seemed particularly interested in getting to know our side of the blended family, despite our overtures. At grandma’s funeral (where both sides were present, of course), grandpa said “The next time all of us will be together will be at K’s wedding!” (K is my “step-cousin,” so to speak, grandma’s biological granddaughter.) Our side of the family had assumed that we wouldn’t have been invited to K’s wedding if grandpa hadn’t said that, and we felt pretty guilty. Most of the family didn’t go (but I’m pretty sure they sent gifts), but my branch of the family (mom, dad, sis, and me) did go so our side of the family would have some representation. We made sure to give generous gifts at the shower and the wedding, and no one seemed to mind having us there, but they might have just been being polite. Anyway, if K had politely given us the “intimate wedding, budget, etc.” speech, we wouldn’t have been offended.

 

…tl;dr version: as a guest who’s been a force-invite due to a family faux-pas, I wouldn’t have been offended if the couple had told us we couldn’t actually come, and when we did come, we made sure to make up for it with a generous gift. (And, of course, they’re getting invitations to my wedding too.)

Post # 16
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@phillybride87:  No question I would call people (the family who is over stepping boundaries) up and tell them that only “I” (you in this case) can invite people to this wedding. 

I would call your guest that added 2 more people. It would probably start with an inquiry on who it was (for conversation sake), then it would end with an “unfortuanatly they are not on the guest list, so they cannot come to the wedding. Thank you.” 

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