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It's your wedding and if you want to do it then go ahead. People write their own vows all the time and what you want isn't that much different than that.
@sarahRN: It's very unusual to have this done. Your priest is correct. I'm sorry, but during an actual Nuptual Mass you cannot change the structure of it. Perhaps you two could toast each other at your reception in front of your guests.
@sarahRN: Just to warn you, I don't know how far you'll get with that. We couldn't do a song during the unity candle because it 'puts too much emphasis on it' No, it was just a good place for a song since DH and I are doing something together. We also barely got to use the song we wanted because it's not 'religious'. So we got to have that song during the sign of the peace. Totally what I wanted, a song that meant so much to DH and I, and the whole time, we are separated trying to hug all our family/bridal party.
They seem to be pretty strict on what you can/can't do. Is there a way you could do it at the reception instead? Like when you are doing your toast?
@bride21: Catholic church is super strict and traditional about weddings, so no personal vows allowed. Most won't even allow any music besides traditional church music.
@sarahRN: Well, I think you have a few options. First, politely ask your priest why, and give your reasoning for why you would like to do it.
Do you have the option of having another priest perform the ceremony, one that would allow you to have personal messages?
Or, if there's no other priest for that church, another church that would allow it?
Or, really stretching it, would you be willing to have a non-Catholic ceremony? I don't know if you're both Catholic, if you are it may not be an option. You could still get married by a pastor of another denomination.
what about incorporating your sentiments into your prayer of the couple?
@bride21: lol! clearly you have no idea how a catholic church works...
@sarahRN: I'm sorry that you are disappointed.
As to the why...basically unlike other wedding ceremonies, a Catholic ceremony is not mainly about the couple. It's about God. Catholic brides grow up hearing that their wedding isn't about them...but for people marrying into the Church I think it can be kind of a shock to hear "your wedding isn't about you."
The wedding service is structured so that the vows and rite of marriage are in the midst of worshipping God. They are not the finale or the highlight even.
You can include a prayer for each other in your prayer of the faithful, or say your sentiments at your rehearsal or reception, or write them in you program though.
@jedeve: you are so right! For a Catholic bride, the wedding ceremony is not an appropriate time to showcase your personality as a couple or anything like that. That's not the point.
As pps said, a good place for this message might be a special toast at the reception, where you and FI get up and toast each other. I think that is such a sweet special touch and it fits much better there than at the ceremony!
@elliestan: I was thinking the same thing...incorporating your sentiments in the prayer of the couple. That's what FI and I are going to do :)
You could always write these in letters to eachother to read while you are getting ready or on the way to the wedding, but I really like @Magdalena: idea of doing it at the reception. I would love to see that right before the first dance, would make it super special.
Could you maybe talk to him about reconsidering or at least asking him why he won't allow it? It's funny because without even telling us our priest said a few words about us as a couple, how we met, and how far we've come. It was a beautiful surprise. :) Maybe yours would be willing to say something for you if he won't let you do it?
@Galloway: I'm getting married in 27 days at my FI church, and finding another priest isn't really an option. Nor would I really change priests based on that alone. I knew there was a strong chance he might now allow it, but I know it has been done in Catholic ceremonies before. I was just hoping he'd explain more...
We've decided to include it in our programs. It's a layered program, the first greeting page will have "Love letters for this day" and will have a message from my FI and from me to eachother. I am just as happy with this as I know saying them out loud will make me cry!
Something else I have seen done is that the bride and groom say their self-written vows to each other at the reception, before the other toasts. But unfortunately, you won't be able to do it as part of the ceremony if you are having a Catholic wedding.
Catholic church has never allowed personal elements in mass, no matter if it's your wedding ceremony. Maybe there are some Fathers that allow it but it's exception rather than the rule.
Our priest actually asked us if we wanted to include personal vows, it caught us off guard...but it's a very liberal catholic church too.
I am Catholic and also having a Catholic vows only ceremony with our priest and a handful of family members. We are not asking to combine any personal elements but I will say this...
Since it is the Bride and Groom who are conducting the sacrament of marriage and the priest is a witness along with the rest of those present, it doesnt really make sense to me why you wouldnt be allowed to add something personal. Just my opinion of course...
Some priests will let you "say something" after the official prescribed vows are said. There is no changing the actual vows that make a sacramental marriage valid. That's probably what some are refering to as personal vows.
@sarahRN: That's actually so beautiful that they will be in your programs. So glad you found a resolution.
@sarahRN: Love your idea of including them as "love letters for this day." Beautiful.
I feel your pain. I was told that I COULD NOT have a unity candle at all. I didn't want one anyway; I don't identify with that particular tradition. But I was like, DANG, even my parents had a unity candle. We chose a beautiful church to get married in, but I didn't realize when we chose it that it was so conservative. Other parishes may be more liberal on these kinds of things.
@sarahRN: Sarah, Marriage is a commitment to love someone. You vow "I will" not "I do" in a Catholic ceremony. The vows are very important and are not there for sentimental purposes nor to celebrate the experience of falling in love. It is a covenant you are entering with your future spouse and if both of you are baptised, a sacramental reality. This is a sacred event.
I'd urge you to read over the vows of marriage, contemplate your meaning and to strive to shape your marriage in accordance with them rather than to shape your vows according to your relationship.
If you do want to say something special to each other, I'd reserve that for the reception.
Hope God blesses you abundantly on your wedding day.
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I just asked our Father if we could include a message to eachother during our ceremony. Not vows, but a kind little message. And he said NO, it's not the place for personal messages...
I'm confused. It's our wedding ceremony, how could there be a better place for us expressing our love to one another?
Where do I go from here? I know there have been Catholic ceremonies in which people do include this. But I would really like a little more explanation from him, yet I do not want to come across as defiant.