Weddingbee boards

A CAMERA.

Yup... that was my reaction too.

I feel so upset right now... For the last half year he has been putting all his spare money into a little money box he made with pictures he collaged on to the side of a dream house, car, computer etc. On one side of the box he had also stuck a photo of my DREAM ring. He didn't specifically point it out to me but when I saw it I was so so so happy that he had started saving for it!

A few weeks ago he told me he was going to sell two of his cameras that he never uses on ebay to "free up some extra cash". He managed to sell one of them for $1700 which we really weren't expecting, and the other one did really well too. Our 2 1/2 year anniversary is coming up so you can imagine what I was thinking...

Then the other day i noticed his money box had been opened (I saw the box with ring pic on it the trash) and I asked him if he had put the money in the bank. He then told me he had "finally decided what to do with the money" and showed me the new camera he is going to buy! It costs even more than my dream ring!! I felt so crushed but I told him it looked great and then just walked out of the room.

I don't want to ever tell him what he should spend his money on and we have had discussions about him not feeling financially ready for marriage at the moment so realistically I knew it wasn't going to happen any time soon. But seeing that box with the little ring picture in the corner every day made it so much easier to be patient... and now... well I don't know what to think. He was very lucky to get that much for selling his two old cameras and he will have no savings left once he buys the new camera. At the moment it feels like it could be years before we ever get engaged :( :( :( He was the one who brought up the topic of marriage two years ago but now he suddenly doesn't feel ready.

Hmmm maybe he is trying to throw you off. If he does come back with a camera, then you should sit down with him and talk it out.

thanks TheRen :)

@Chipmunk: I though that but he's really bad at keeping secrets and I'm 99.9% sure I would know if he was trying to suprise me...

If you talk to him, I think you should try to get a sense of what his general time frame is, and let him know what yours is (you are 50% of the equation). 

Don't make it about how upset you are he just bought a camera - if you haven't had frank discussions about when engagement is coming, he may just be thinking about it in a vague sense (maybe this year, maybe next year, la di da), and have no idea how upset this makes you until you tell him.  

I would leave the camera out of the discussion - what you really want to know is whether he's serious about engagement within a reasonable time frame you can live with.  Don't let him use vague comments about "finances" as an ongoing excuse to delay.  You can ask him what specifically that means, and what steps he's taking to overcome that.  Is there a certain $ amount he needs to have saved to feel ready?  Etc. 

It's possible it's not really about money and he just doesn't feel ready to be engaged or married yet.  (Particularly if he's still in his 20s and/or many of his guy friends aren't married).  This is something you can try to tease out when you talk to him.

Awee...I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  But, I agree with Chipmunk, don't get too worked up until he actually comes home with a camera!  If he does, you probably need to sit down with him so he understands why you may be upset.

Good Luck...and keep us posted!

@ prettyflowers and ms. teddy – I have spoken to him about it before but he refuses give me a timeline. It ended up being a bit of a tense issue so I dropped it and tried to follow Mr Bee’s plan. I had thought it was working what with him saving money and the ring pic on the box… but I was obviously wrong! But what prettyflowers said about him being in his 20s and no married friends is exactly the case!!

@ejs4y8 – yup it will be ALL his savings (he didn’t have much to start  with). I don’t think he realises he is teasing me with what he’s done though…

@frustratedbird – that’s a good point. He has told me before that he is nervous about being responsible for two people. I have told him that I don’t expect him to pay my way or anything like that just because we decide to get married, but he is quite traditional like that so I understand him wanting to buy something for himself, it just leaves me in a bit of a mess!

@beekiss- He is very much into photography but it’s not something he will get any income from. He designs websites so he needs to know about photography but the cameras he sold were very good cameras so he didn’t NEED a new camera, he wanted one because it’s his hobby.

@ejoyb – I hope so… but honestly I don’t even have a small hope that that is the case!

@mrsheart –I totally agree with trying to keep busy, which is what I have trying to do because I definitely ended up annoying him with it last year. But seeing the ring on the box always gave me hope and now….

Yes I agree he might be trying to throw you off...but yea if he does come home with a camera, I'd have a discussion with him.

Awh :( I'm sorry! I agree, I think if he actually comes home with a camera, I'd be having a chat with him to see if you are both on the same page timeline wise.

@toothfairyb - the thing is he refuses to give me any sort of timeline... and I don't want to tell him off for spending money on himself but at the same time... It's definitely a blow that he would rather spend that much money on a hobby!

I think you're overreacting. As you even said yourself, the ring was only one of the pictures on the box. He was obviously saving with the intent of purchasing something big but not necessarily your ring. I think it's kind of selfish of you to be upset about how HE spends HIS money. I also think that you should be supportive of his hobby instead of just thinking, "Ugh, what about me?" I also don't think that putting your ring on the box was him teasing you. He may have thought "well, by the time I have this money, that may be what I want to buy" I also don't think this is a sign that is flashing and neon saying that he doesn't EVER want to marry you..

Maybe think about if the shoe was on the other foot. What if you saved up all this money on your own? And you bought yourself a new wardrobe or some nice jewelry.. wouldn't you be upset if he was like, "I'm upset that you spent your money on you when you could have bought that house/boat/car that I've been wanting."

@ eryepye – you’re right. Honestly it’s not what I want to hear but it’s definitely true… Option A is a place I am trying to get to because I love him very very much and I don’t want to ever feel like I made him do anything… That’s why I won’t talk to him about buying the camera instead of a ring, because if he hasn’t bought a ring with the money it’s because he doesn’t want to – but I guess I still needed to post here because this is a place where I feel comfortable and it’s cathartic writing everything out like that to people who can understand where I am coming from. Seeing the ring on the money box made it a lot easier to be ok with the facts and be patient that’s all, because I knew the thought was at least in his head.

@ stassney – It’s not really that I am upset and how he spends his money… because I completely understand that he earned that money and it is his to do as he pleases with it (and I am happy because the camera will make him very happy)… it’s more that I am sad at the loss of the possibility of an upcoming engagement which I had been looking forward to. Although it was a material object – the ring – that I have been talking about, it’s more the non-commitment that I am upset about. I would get engaged tomorrow without a ring at all but he is very traditional and would feel that he had failed if he proposed without my dream ring. I’m sorry if you thought that I was saying he had put the ring on there to tease me, because in fact I don’t think he realises how it had affected me at all! As you pointed out, there were other things on the box, but most of them were completely unobtainable fantasy objects (sports car, huge house,  tropical holiday) – whereas the ring was obtainable with the money he had saved.

MrsT that stinks! I dont blame you for being upset I def would be.Why wont he discuss a timeline with you? Just he just get frustrated with the convo or something? Is there any way you could tell him you would settle for a smaller, less expensive ring?

Thanks for understanding futuresparkles. A quick background story is that we were both talking a lot about weddings and the future a couple of years ago when we moved in together but since then we both returned to our studies (although he is just part-time and works the rest of the week). Two years ago we had vague plans to marry in the summer of 2010, but I never discussed a timeline further because I thought I would wait until we got engaged and then that just never happened!

We have talked it over many many times and I have come to the conclusion that it just stresses him out to talk about it because he feel guilty for making me think we would be getting engaged soon for so long. I have told him I would be happy even if he gave me a 5 year timeline (well... kinda haha) just so that I knew he was serious about us but he won't even do that! I do trust his intentions and I know he was a bit overwhelmed by the issue last year so I don't want to keep pressing him. Apart from this being the huge elephant in the room we have a really great relationship and he makes me very happy.

However, this also means that I don't want to bring up the issue of the ring again... because I am trying to avoid any wedding talk at the moment. I think that if I start showing him rings again, even if they are a lot cheaper, he will just get flustered again. When he first asked me what style ring I dreamt of I showed him one that he could afford at the time and he has now got it into his head that this is THE ONE and anything else will just be a dissapointment to me... even if I say I would be happy with something else.

I know that with this background I really shouldn't have been expecting a ring for our 2 1/2 year anniversary, but since I had stopped talking about weddings he had started saving money and putting the ring picture on the money box etc so I thought it had relaxed him and couldn't help but hope...

@loveapril –Thanks for your support. I’m scared that you may be right… but I know that he is a wonderful kind man who I would do anything to spend the rest of my life with. I posted a bit more about my background in my response to futuresparkles and I think that for the moment I will continue to follow erye’s option A and be patient for a while longer... but as many of you know - it's a lot easier said than done!

thank you :)

Just an update – yesterday he asked me if I was upset with him for opening the money box. I told him I wasn’t at all and that it’s his money and I know the camera will make him very happy. I did wonder afterwards if I should have said something, but I really don’t want to make him feel bad about buying the camera and talk about the engagement with reference to him buying it.

Then last night, just as we were going to bed, he told me he wants to become a ‘more serious person’. I’m not sure exactly what he meant and I tried not to link it in my head too much to marriage but it did make me smile.

@clarebee – I agree, 2.5 years isn’t ridiculously long. But we have been talking about marriage for 2 years now so it feels like I have had a far longer wait- compared perhaps so a couple who only started talking about marriage 2 years in to a relationship. Don’t worry you haven’t hurt my feelings- It is important to look at it from a different point of view, you’re right, it doesn’t make much of a difference whether it happens this month or next year – but because we have been talking about it for so long, I constantly have family and friends asking me about it etc which means it’s never far from my mind!

@GirlWithARing – I don’t think it’s really fair to say that I shouldn’t be spending time on WeddingBee, that comment really upset me to be honest. If I thought it wasn’t going to happen for another 3-5 years I would not be posting this trust me! It may seem to you that I spend my whole life ‘sitting around being upset that he isn’t proposing’, but I come on WeddingBee because of the support you all give me and obviously weddings and proposals are what I talk about most on here – but that doesn’t mean that I do that in real life.

You are right though that I definitely lost a lot of leverage when I moved in with him after 3 months. I have gone over and over the idea of moving out when our lease changes in August, but at the end of the day I don’t want to give him an ultimatum and I really love living with him (that’s why I want to marry him)

@bellenga and rachelrobin – thanks for your support and opinions

Talk to him and see where his mind is. If he's been saving, maybe he has more money saved than you relalize or  has some plan. Either way, you seem bothered by lack of progress so you should talk to him and make sure you are on the same page.