(Closed) So, how do you figure out if you want kids?

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@NAvery:  I never wanted kids. When I was 19, I went to my doctor and asked him to tie my tubes (he, of course, refused). I tried again at 22 when I  broke up with my first FI and he refused again. In my case, I think it may have had something to do with not wanting kids with him (that’s too long of a story) but I held on to that notion until I met my current FI.

He has always wanted kids, he was one of those people who just knew. I became a bit more wishy washy and was like, well if it happens, it happens. But I didn’t think that was the best situation to bring a child into, if I didn’t really WANT to have him or her there. Something clicked into place for me in the last two years or so and now I know I want to have kids, and it was a conscious decision.

From my practical side, I literally made a pros and cons list. Realizing that I didn’t care about the significant cons, i.e. cost, giving up freedom, not being able to travel freely, etc, etc, made me realize that the sacrifices that came with having kids were no longer sacrifices to me. I was happy to make those concessions for all the amazing things I’d get in return.

From my emotional side, when I saw my FI playing with my niece and nephew for the first time, it made me tear up. He is so amazing with kids and I knew in my heart I wanted to carry his child and share that experience with him. When I was pregnant, seeing how excited he was, how dedicated he was to our growing family, and then ultimately how devestated he was when we lost the baby also confirmed for me that kids were a non-negotiable part of my future.

This is all personal to me, and I’m not sure if it’s helpful for you, but I guess my final comment is that you have to look within your own heart. Don’t just have kids because you’re “running out of time” or it’s what you’re “supposed to do.” There are lots of happy DINKS out there (double income, no kids) and the choice has to be what’s best for you two and what is true to you two as a couple.

I’m sure you will make the right decision for you 🙂

Post # 4
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@NAvery:  Meh.  Bump your timeline up to 35 if you really don’t feel like you want kids within the next year or two.  Most of our friends have spent 28-32 getting married and then having their first kids around 34-36.  I know it’s a bit late but it’s better than having a child you’re not sure that you want.  After a year or two of marriage you may change your mind and be TTC crazy.  Rushing into having a child because of a made up timeline is usually not a good idea.

Post # 5
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

P.S. I go back and forth between wanting kids and not wanting them.  For me the deciding factor for wanting them was that I couldn’t imagine not experiencing being a mother.  But I do have time periods where I am happy I don’t have any children and wonder if I would prefer not having any at all.

Post # 6
Member
3417 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

@NAvery:  I always knew I wanted kids.  I was the oldest in my family with lots of little cousins on both of my parents sides.  I was always the “babysitter” constantly around kids anywhere from 3-20 years younger than myself.  I had my oldest when I was 21 so I literally have cousins who are closer to my kids ages than they are to me.

I know that not everyone has that “I’m going to be a mommy someday” feeling.  I think as long as you and your husband keep open about how you are feeling about kids in the future when you know the time is right you’ll know.  And if that time never comes then it never will.  You’re doing the right thing by keeping an open mind about it and being honest with your spouse.  That’s all you can do and when the moments right you’ll know.

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Uh, if you don’t really want kids right now, don’t have them. Complications don’t start getting significantly riskier until age 35. Give yourself until 32-33 at least. I think your timeline is unrealistic given your current feelings on the matter.

Post # 8
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@NAvery:  There are people on this Earth who were born to be parents, and there are people who weren’t…I love and appreciate kids, I enjoy spending time with them and find them to be entertaining and lovely in every way, but I have no desire to have any of my own…and there are several reasons for this:

I suffer from a terminal case of Wanderlust…I have to get up and go when I want or I start to feel nailed down, fenced in and generally trapped, those things are bad in Nona’s land and are to be avoided at all costs.

I feel that in this life, I want to know someone more than anyone else, and that person is Mr. 99, I cannot effectivley do that with children in the picture as it would be a disservice to that goal.

I’m a very selfish person when it comes to my time and amusement, having to bend too much on the allocation of it, since it is precious and rare, breeds resentment for me and makes me a nasty and mean person.

Mr. 99 suffers from anxiety and OCD, he likes things the way he likes them, screwing with that in any way creates chaos and makes him insane….he likes kids as much as I do, but he’s also pretty happy when they go back wherever they came from and the peace and tranquility that has become the cornerstone of our home, returns.

So….I guess you have to know yourself in order to ask that question…there’s some ugly things about my personality and how I function that may not be flattering but at least I’m aware of them and limit my activities accordingly so I don’t screw up someone else’s life JUST BECAUSE…

 

Post # 9
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I always knew I wanted children, and then my brother had a baby… I have a beautiful nephew with 2 years old and lived with him for the first year, so I saw what was like to have a baby in my house… well…. it sort of changed my mind!

They cry a lot, like a lot, and poop time and feeding time and playing time and doctors appointments… for the first 2 years, your life will be all about this new baby.

My brother and his wife are not parent material, she was 33 years old when she had the baby and I think she, like you, had the same issue about the time, and they decided to have the baby because they were afraid to regret it later. Well, I have to say that he is the most spoiled kid ever, they don’t have the patiance to deal with a toddler, they just give him whatever he wants for him to shut up, and I truelly disagree with that. If you don’t have the patiance or the time to fully invest in your children, don’t have them, that’s final.

Maybe you are afraid to regret not having kids in the future, when you’re too old to concive, then if you do, there are alot of other options (adoption is one of them, there are so many children in need of a good home).

In my opinion if you don’t know if you want a child or not, that’s because you don’t want them, maybe it’s because it seems natural, having kids and that all, but you don’t have to have them, and you two could be perfectly happy without them. You will have more time/money to travel, to do the things you love and just grow old without anyone depending on you for the next 20/25 years of your life.

If in the other hand, you think that that’s not you, that you want the mama experience, of raising a child to be a decent person, to have FOREVER someone counting on, then have them. I think you and you husband are the ones that really need to decide on this, but my opinion is that if you’re not sure, then don’t… children are lods of work and responsabilty, forever. 

 

Post # 10
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I dunno, I always knew I wanted them eventually, probably because I wish I still was a kid, get along with kids great (they are pretty much almost always awesome) and I have a natural “parenty” or “teacher-like” personality (like the kind of parent or teacher I would want).

But, I can tell you what specifically made me realize I wanted to TTC soon. I only made this decision recently. It was my own replies to the “posthumous sperm extraction” thread on the bee. (Yes, I’m serious.) I would do it, and apparently not everyone on the bee would, so in arguing why it would be worth it, I wrote some things that just made it abundantly clear to me that I can’t wait to be a mom. What with my FI not actually being dead at all, it kinda drew attention to the situation like “what are we waiting for??” …we want to wait for the wedding, pretty much just for social protocol reasons, but after that… 😉

BTW, if you aren’t sure yet, don’t rush it! You have plenty of time. I’m in my early 30s and my age is not the reason I’ve decided we’ll TTC sooner than later. I was actually planning to wait a few years after the wedding first and save up and sort some other stuff out first. But then I got so mushy in the “posthumous sperm extraction” thread, and I realized, I actually am finally ready.

Post # 11
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Dont rush into it.  I have always wanted to be a mom. I played with baby dolls. When i played Life i always tried to get 2 cars worth of kids. I started my baby names list about 10 years ago. 

I just knew. 

Post # 12
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I was married at 28, and I will be 31 soon.  I still have no strong feelings towards kids at all.  My hubby, however, would be thrilled if we were pregnant tomorrow.  it sucks.  I don’t know what the answer is to this.  But I neither want one badly nor do not want one.  I think I would be okay with it either way.  In fact, I’m pretty much ambivalent about the whole thing.

I think what terrifies me is the world today.  It’s such a shamble.  Not sure if I want to bring another life into this hot mess.

Post # 13
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I was always torn….but for the last two years I seriously got a dose of the baby fever!

It was actually my husband who always wanted kids the most, and I never felt pressured but I knew that I would always have amazing support and an amazing dad on board. We will be TTC next month after making sure we are in a proper situation to do so. Financially and baby bucket list acomplished. Travel was extremely important for us, and I can definately say we enjoyed our freedom together to the max for the last 9 years.

I would say make the most out of married life first and you’ll see what happens. Don’t pressure yourself. And hey a life without kids could be amazing too, think of all that travel time!

@deetroitwhat:  This was exactly my reason not to have kids….what a world to bring someone into! Then I seriously started to think about what life was all about, and for me it’s family. This made my decision.

Post # 14
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@NAvery:

Wait till your ready.  If your ready but you can’t have any than just adopt.

The topic ‘So, how do you figure out if you want kids?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors