Post # 1
So, I am under my alias because I do not want certain members of my family reading this.
Ok, am I just being a girl or is this a big deal? Here is a short version of what has happened.
About 3 months ago I found that my FI was looking at inappropriate material on his phone. I confronted him about this and he admitted that he looked at it and did not see a big deal. We talked and I explained that it was the fact that he was doing it behind my back that hurt me. We both agreed that he would only look at the items if I was present and would not hide it from me.
Well, yesterday I was looking up something on his phone under Google and it showed his recent search. I simply asked my FI if he was looking at it and he said no and got all defensive… he grabbed his phone from my hand and immediately cleared all of his history. I was so mad… why does he feels like he needs to hide this from me? He finally admitted that he did look at it and explained because we were away from each other for a week. I understand his reasoning… but he lied to me, and that is what hurts the most. He also said that he has not looked at it at all until last week… but how do I know that is true. What have I done that makes him think he can’t tell the truth? I was so mad and said so many things hurtful things to him in my anger. Where do I go from here?
Post # 3
@beenthere2: Is it porn that he is looking at?
If it’s only occasional porn viewing, I wouldn’t really worry about it. He may not be comfortable looking at it around you, but he shouldn’t have made a promise he would only look at it around you if he couldn’t stick to that.
Have you offered to watch with him?
Are you more upset that he is looking at it? Or that he lied about it?
I’d calmly let him know what exactly you are upset about so you can fix it. He may have hidden it from you because he thought you would be upset he was looking at it but really the more upsetting part is that he lied.
Post # 4
What have I done that makes him think he can’t tell the truth?
That sentence makes my head feel like it is going to explode. I have so little patience for this crap he is trying to pull. So what, if y’all have a baby he won’t be able to have sex with you for 6 weeks. Should he “get his fix” somewhere else? I think the real question you should be asking is “Why do I require so little integrity from the person who claims to love me?” The only thing worse than being in a relationship with a selfish person is being in a relationship with a selfish liar.
Post # 5
Some guys are just really really embarassed by looking at porn or masturbation. They just totally come unglued and can’t communicate about the issue. I’m sorry that he lied to you about it, maybe you should ask him WHY he felt the need to lie about it. I might also considder how you feel about him looking at it without you. If the porn doesn’t bother you, why not let him have free reign to view it whenever it suits him? Problems from guys hiding porn can cause huge problems though if you are opposed to him viewing it. Really sort out how you feel on the topic and be honest with him.
Post # 6
He probably tries to hide it from you because he gets in trouble when he’s ‘caught’. Something like that is private and embarassing, but not cheating. I hate to say it, but he will probably never stop looking at it behind your back, but he will only admit it if you are cool about it.
I think you should take a step back and ask yourself why this really bothers you. Do you trust him not to cheat? Has his performance declined at all as a result? If the answers to both are no, then you might want to try and look at the situation differently.
Post # 7
@beenthere2: I dont really think its a big deal. He should not have promised not to look at it (im assuming its porn) when you were not around, but he was likely just trying to keep the peace. But maybe he just doesnt feel comfortable looking at it with you around since you seem to be uncomforable with it.
I think you should have a talk about the lying, but ease up on the porn thing. Maybe watch some with him. As long as its not taking away from your sex life, its not worth making such a big deal out of it.
Post # 8
@moderndaisy: This is exactly what I was trying to say… but you said it much better.
Post # 9
I would also note that looking at porn of strangers (what I assumed), is not the same as say, looking at naked pictures of ex-girlfriends, or having a current “friend” that you exchange photos with. Those are both things that are big issues.
Post # 10
Apparently I am in the minority here. My husband and I have been married for going on seven years. We dealt with this at the beginning of our relationship. Thankfully he has grown up and doesn’t look at it anymore. We have really lowered the standard when we are okay with our guys drooling over strange, naked women. Really, is it too much to expect a committed man to act like a man and not a horny teenager?
Post # 11
I also agree w/ moderndaisy.
And like another post asked, how often is he doing this? If its occasionally (like he said only when he is out of town) then I don’t think its that big of a deal.
Post # 12
People like watching porn. If my FI tried to dictate under what circumstances I could do something that I occasionally took pleasure in after making me feel badly about doing something perfectly normal I would probably be inclined to hide it from him too. You got all up in his face about it and now want him to look at it around you? Are you just going to angrily stare at him while he watches some porn on his phone (can you even see anything on that?)? I can’t really say I blame him.
Post # 13
@KatNYC2011– Yes, I have told him that I am open to watching it with him. It’s not the fact that he is looking at it that bothers me… it’s the fact that he lied about it. He said that I was going to be mad at him if he did tell me the truth yesterday. I have told him plenty of times that I would not get mad… I just want to know the truth. For him, he does not see anything wrong in watching it. For me, I have seen it become a problem in many relationships and I would prefer him not to look at it.
@moderndaisy– I trust my FI in the fact that I know he would not cheat on me. I am really trying to step back and look at this.
Post # 14
@MrsFuzzyFace: I like watching porn too. I guess I’m a horny teenager. I watch it if he’s gone for a week and I’m by myself, I also watch it with him since we both like it every now and then. Why should I hold him to a double standard? If it works for you – hats off. But let’s not pass judgement on people who enjoy it or look at it diffferently.
Post # 15
So people who look at porn are not grown up, have low standards and act like horny teenangers?
Waiitt a minute… I am having thread deja vu right now! Porn statements always turn out this way.
TO the OP: if it’s just random porn, I don’t think its the end of the world but if its people he knows? Thats a whole other ball of wax.
Post # 16
I have no issues with porn. I WOULD however have issues if FI would prefer looking at porn than being intimate with me.
Of course if it’s something like child porn, then yeah, game over.
I think the OP needs to accept that her FI is going to look at porn. IMHO, it’s a natural thing that most men enjoy. If he becomes addicted then that is where the problems start.