Post # 1
My husband and I have been married for three years. I have known he and his twin brother for four. It has been quite the struggle trying to build a good relationship with his twin because of his twin’s wife. This girl doesn’t care what other people think about her, and she does what she wants. I have been trying to have a relationship with her too, but she makes it nearly impossible because she is stand-offish, and just doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to go into all of the problems that have come up with her over the past four years, but I do want to discuss how I am at my whit’s end with the two of them. The straw that has broken the camel’s back happened over the weekend, and I am just so hurt and upset by it. I am honestly at the point of giving up on trying to have a relationship with the two of them. It’s really sad because my husband is really close to his twin.
So what happened is I planned a birthday party for my husband and his twin at our place. I talked about the party several times with the twin about who to invite and what kind of cake, etc. I told people about this party several weeks in advance. Come party day, twin and his wife show up an hour late. She is completely unfriendly, and just has an air of not wanting to be there. About an hour and a half later, we cut the cake, he eats a piece, and then they tell us awkwardly that they have to leave. I couldn’t believe it. They showed up an hour late (it was his birthday), and then leave an hour and a half later! I was fuming. So I pulled her aside, and asked her if it would be okay if he at least stayed because it was his party. She didn’t want to listen to me; she was already on the defense, and kept saying “we talked about it earlier.” Before I had a chance to say anything else, she walked away from me, and they left. I was so hurt!
It turns out that the reason why they came late and left early was because he had to help her with her school work. She is in a grad program. I get that it’s intense, but come on this was a Saturday night, and way planned in advance.
I did end up telling him how I feel; he said he was sorry for hurting my feelings, but I just don’t think I’m going to get over it. It was such a slap in the face, saying to me “we don’t give a crap.” I don’t know how to recover from this one. I know it might seem miniscule to some, but it’s not an isolated incident. She has hurt me many times. I guess I am looking for some support and advice.
Post # 4
I would have been bothered by this isf the party was solely for him (the twin). but since it was for your husband as well, I really wouldnt allow myself to be stressed out by his twin brother who didnt want to stay to the end of the party. Now you know thats how they are and next time you shouldnt bother making them feel included, but I dont think you have to start an argument with the twin or his wife over it, because to me thats just petty
Post # 5
@rljohnso14: I’m sure you will get over this with time, and hopefully your SIL will one day grow a caring bone in her body.. I understand why you would feel upset about all your hard work being thrown out the window because she needed help on her school work. I find it ridiculous that they had to leave HIS party so that HE could help HER with HER school work.. on a saturday… after they had known about it for weeks.
In all honesty, in Medical School they would give random extra things to do unexpectedly over the weekend, maybe that is whats going on? Still though, it seems like common courtousy excaped her and always will (and why did he have to help her with her stuff, for her program, on his birthday?).
Anyway, have you talked to your BIL about his wife and how her actions make you feel distant and unwanted? I think that maybe she is unaware of her actions coming off so harsh. Its worth a shot I think! Sometimes you just need to let them know that they are hurting your feelings and most of the time they will work on it.
Post # 6
I don’t know what else they have done, but for this particular incident, I think you just need to let it go. I understand being frustrated that you put in all this time and effort to plan a nice party and he couldn’t stay, but homework trumps party – sorry. When I was in college, I know I had to skip parties and other events (even those I knew about way in advanced and even those on a Saturday night) because I had homework or needed to study. It sucks but that’s just how it is. I know it’s not his homework, but it sounds like they had a deal worked out where he’d help her. Also, I wouldn’t take it personally that she didn’t seem like she wanted to be there. She was probably really stressed and all she could think about was how much work she had to get done. I don’t think it’s a slap in the face, they just really had other important stuff to do.
Post # 7
Hmm, I think you may have to let this go. It sounds like your SIL is introverted maybe to the point of coming across cold and standoffish. You can’t force someone to be warm and friendly towards you, so the best thing to do is not take it personally and just let her do her own thing.
There may just be a misunderstanding here, that they thought the party was mostly for your husband and that they could just drop in and say hi. While from your perspective, it should have been a big deal to both twins. Neither of you is wrong; you just have your own perspectives on the situation and what was expected of you.
I think you just have to live your life and not expect anything out of your SIL. If she eventually warms up to you then great, but at least you will manage your own expectations so that you don’t get disappointed again.
Post # 8
I would work on getting over letting this woman, (who is clearly not someone you would want as a friend anyhow) push your buttons.
Everyone who was at that party will already know how disrespectful and unappreciative she was.
Post # 9
Sounds like even if she were your friend she would be a toxic one. I would not try anymore, it’s seems to not be worth it and she seems totaly not interested.
Post # 10
You should have went on and enjoyed the night to the fullest with your husband. Although it was both of their party – he left. So, I would have spent the rest of the night making sure my husband was enjoying himself. Good you spoke up for yourself and told the brother how you feel, if he apologized then that is all you can do ….
seems like he isn’t really a major problem, but the wife is the pull here. You have no idea what that man is going through at home with that woman… it may have taken teeth and nails to even get out of the door to make it there that hour and a half late. Then she may have said and I don’t want to be there long…. honestly, he didn’t have a good birthday either if his selfish wife took over everything and made him leave his own party to go home and do her homework. —- He could honestly be sorry. Now you know for future references…. you can have something for your husband, but as for this guy and his wife….. um, at your own risk.
It is clear you want a relationship, but it is also clear THEY do not. So, stop trying. A relationship can only work between the two of you if both parties want it – – – you want it, they don’t!!!! So, back up, enjoy your life, and pray foryour brother in law… he has to live with her.
Post # 11
I can understand your feeling hurt by this behavior. However, your BIL is most likely between a rock and a hard place in this situation. Your SIL comes across as being a somewhat selfish and immature person. You can be the bigger person in this relationship dynamic and choose to not let what she does bother you. Rise above it. Honestly, that will get her goat more than anything else you could ever do, lol. Next time you see her, be as nice and kind as you can possibly be. Don’t take anything personally she does or says, just ignore it. This is her issue – she doesn’t sound like a happy camper to me. But don’t let her make you miserable right along with her. Life is too short, it isn’t worth it. Empower yourself and learn to brush it off.
Post # 12
I would just focus on your husband– to play devil’s advocate, perhaps the SIL wanted to spend her husband’s birthday with him? It might not have been what she would have planned or wanted– imagine if someone else planned a birthday party for your husband?
Post # 13
I think next time invite him alone without her. It probably will not happen (him coming alone) but it’s worth a try!
Post # 14
Maybe she has a hard time functioning in social situations. My sister has social anxiety and she comes across as a bitch but really she is uncomfortable in social situation. She is a very private person and really does not like meeting new people becasue it causes her to feel anxiety.
I would just leave her alone and not take her actions personally.
Post # 15
I am not an overly warm person and I am shy in social situations so I’m pretty sure I’ve come across like your SIL on more than one occasion. I think you just have to accept that this is her personality and stop giving her opportunities to disappoint you. You can’t be close with everyone and it just sounds like you two aren’t a good fit.
Post # 16
Since I don’t know what else she’s done to you, I can’t judge on that. BUT, coming from somebody in grad school, I will say that, Saturday night or not, if I have things to get done, they need to get done above all else. Things pop up. Assignments, reading material, suddenly you thought you understood something and now you DON’T. It’s very stressfull. I’m surprised they showed up at all.
You ask why he had to help her with her homework on Saturday night, before the party, on his birthday. He didn’t HAVE to, but keep in mind he most likely loves his wife and wants to help her succeed, which trumps parties, too.