So hurt. In a long distance relationship. DH with webcam girls. Advice please.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Hi anon, I’m sorry I can’t offer any decent advice here other than this is something that you will need to confront him with. Plenty of couples go through really tough LDRs (I’m in one now, as the one at home, similar situation where the money for him being away makes the short term pain of distance worth it) and it’s hard for everyone involved, but it doesn’t excuse him not being there for you with lack of support and definitely spending that money on something like that. To see it completely practically try not to get derailed by arguments that you were “snooping” on his laptop or that he needs certain things because you’re gone. It sounds like he might be acting out as a result of feeling less masculine if you’re the main earner now, but like I said, no excuse, and something you guys need to work through. Really horrible situation and hopefully just a short lived one, wish you all the best in talking it out.

Post # 3
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

BeeAnon1434:  I am sorry to hear that! Big hugs! I would try to adress the issue in the most calm and constructive way possible. (Easier said than done… Seems like you had been working your butt off to make ends meet & he just wastes money on that sh*t…and rather than taking time to skype he just goes to those sites..I’d be pretty upset) Maybe it’s best to ask yourself what’s most important to you ?Do you want him to apologize? Do you want him to not waste money on these sites? Do you want him to take more time to skype with you? Do you want him to show more appreciation of you and the sacrifices you’re making? Tell him that you’re hurt and upset. Ask him why he didn’t tell you. Hopefully you guys will be able to work it out. 

Post # 4
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Two months is not that long really, not to be tempted into one on one webcam stuff. Which in my book is cheating. It’s interactive, it’s more than just watching a video. 

To me it seems like something that may go back further than you leaving. I would wonder how long yhis

Post # 5
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Whoops sorry. Would wonder how long it’s been happening. It’s very uncool. 

Post # 6
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I would lose my shit if I found out my guy was wasting our money on that. And I totally feel like it’s cheating, mostly because he is ignoring you and your needs to get off to strangers. You have to confront him, but I agree with PP that you need to decide what will help resolve the situation and they way you’re feeling right now. I would need an apology, an explanation of what’s going on in his mind, and couple’s counseling as soon as I return home permanently. 

I’d also give my guy some space after this one. Meaning, I’d be a lot less attentive to him and let him know how it feels. But I’m a little vindicative. 

Post # 8
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I agree with some PP that two months is not that long to be that tempted! I’ve done LDR with my FI for three month periods previously and alhough it was hard it wasn’t that hard from an intimacy point of view.

I think you need to confront him about this.  I would be very hurt, particularly as you said since it is costing a lot of money. It may be hard to regain trust after this

Post # 9
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

I’d be super pissef too if I flew all that way and he didn’t bend over backwards to spend time with me. You’ve sacrificed a lot to support your household. I’d be ask wtf is going on.

Post # 11
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

BeeAnon1434:  Have you had a discussion previously defining the boundaries of your relationship, boundaries that you both agreed to? If not then you need to do that straight away. Everyone has different opinions on what is cheating and couples need to define that together for their relationship. You need to do this calmly because getting angry at him over something that he had no idea was over a boundary is unreasonable. Let him know how it is making you feel by using I statements like when I found the websites it made me feel insecure/unattractive/upset/whatever.

If you have already defined this then you need to ask him why he felt he needed to do this. Was it because he felt pressured to agree to something he didn’t want to out of fear of you leaving? Was he feeling neglected and lonely? Not that those will excuse his behaviour but it will help going forward if you understand his motivations. It will also help with the decision that you need to make about whether you can forgive him or not. 

I would definately bring up the money issue either way. This might be a good time to set out a strict budget that you both stick to in order to maximise savings whilst you are temporarily earning more.

Post # 12
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Oh, I’m so sorry. This is so not what you wanted on your five-day reunion. 🙁

Right now you’re angry and you should be. But I don’t think this should be a deal-breaker until you have the conversation you need to have. It’s possible he views this as porn, not cheating. And while you are of course entitled to your feelings about the difference, he is too. On the other hand, because this falls closer to cheating for you, hopefully it’s something he will easily be willing to stop immediately and forever. Maybe you can come to an agreement about what you’re ok with.

I am sending you lots of positive energy and virtual hugs. You can work through this!!!

Post # 13
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Btw you’re not a fool. No one could have seen that coming. It’s called trust for a reason!

Post # 14
Member
3404 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That sucks. 

Porn is one thing, but using your hard earned money for 1:1 chats? That is enough to make any person see red.

 

Post # 15
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

BeeAnon1434:  I’m so sorry OP. I would be livid. I would also put it in cheating. It’s really bad that you’re off making money and he’s spending it… On that. Try and have a calm convo, and get ready for him to get defensive and angry about how you discovered this. Has everything been okay in your relationship otherwise?

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