Post # 1
I’m a semi-regular whose gone anonymous to post this. I NEED to get this off my chest.
Just a bit of background info, I’ve been with DH for 6 years and we’ve been married 2 years. DH and I aren’t living together at the moment, a work project is keeping me on a different continent to him, I’ve been gone two months and I’ll be away another two months. It isn’t the most ideal situation but DH got laid off from his previous job and his current one doesn’t pay as well. I was offered a very lucrative chance to go overseas for 4 months and we both agreed I’d take it because the money was necessary and too good to pass up.
It’s been so hard for me to be away, I’m in a foreign country and I don’t know anyone and the culture is so different too. The work is hard and complicated. I missed my DH so much but deep down I knew I was doing good for both of us.
Due to some complications with the project we were given 5 days off until they need my team again. So I came home today to surprise him, it’s been 2 months since I last saw him. He seemed pretty happy to see me but today he had some other commitments that had to come first…ok no problem. So he’s left me alone. My own laptop is acting up, going slow and taking ages to load anything off the internet. So I popped onto his after I had asked his permission.
I began type in the address bar “myfitnesspal” so I could login and when I got to “myf..” it showed that he had been visiting “myfreecams”, which is a site where you can see girls strip and dance etc. That pissed me off, but now I’ve opened a whole can of worms because once I saw that I started snooping. I’ve discovered that he has accounts and has been spending a lot of money on private one-to-one live sex webcam girls.
Really, I feel so hurt and so so disappointed. I’m working my butt off to earn more money for us and he’s spending his on THIS.
I’m not the type of person that makes a big deal out of her husband looking at porn. But with the webcam it makes my stomach turn, he’s been getting sexually gratificated interacting with another person who isn’t me and he’s been doing it A LOT. I feel like he’s cheated on me.
When I’ve logged on to Skype to speak to him he’s never been on it for too long because he’s always been “too busy” or “too tired”, most of our communication in the last months has been through Whatsapp and a twice weekly scheduled call. I feel like an unattractive idiot.
I have five hours before he comes home and I don’t know where to start about confronting him.
Post # 2
Hi anon, I’m sorry I can’t offer any decent advice here other than this is something that you will need to confront him with. Plenty of couples go through really tough LDRs (I’m in one now, as the one at home, similar situation where the money for him being away makes the short term pain of distance worth it) and it’s hard for everyone involved, but it doesn’t excuse him not being there for you with lack of support and definitely spending that money on something like that. To see it completely practically try not to get derailed by arguments that you were “snooping” on his laptop or that he needs certain things because you’re gone. It sounds like he might be acting out as a result of feeling less masculine if you’re the main earner now, but like I said, no excuse, and something you guys need to work through. Really horrible situation and hopefully just a short lived one, wish you all the best in talking it out.
Post # 3
BeeAnon1434: I am sorry to hear that! Big hugs! I would try to adress the issue in the most calm and constructive way possible. (Easier said than done… Seems like you had been working your butt off to make ends meet & he just wastes money on that sh*t…and rather than taking time to skype he just goes to those sites..I’d be pretty upset) Maybe it’s best to ask yourself what’s most important to you ?Do you want him to apologize? Do you want him to not waste money on these sites? Do you want him to take more time to skype with you? Do you want him to show more appreciation of you and the sacrifices you’re making? Tell him that you’re hurt and upset. Ask him why he didn’t tell you. Hopefully you guys will be able to work it out.
Post # 4
Two months is not that long really, not to be tempted into one on one webcam stuff. Which in my book is cheating. It’s interactive, it’s more than just watching a video.
To me it seems like something that may go back further than you leaving. I would wonder how long yhis
Post # 5
Whoops sorry. Would wonder how long it’s been happening. It’s very uncool.
Post # 6
I would lose my shit if I found out my guy was wasting our money on that. And I totally feel like it’s cheating, mostly because he is ignoring you and your needs to get off to strangers. You have to confront him, but I agree with PP that you need to decide what will help resolve the situation and they way you’re feeling right now. I would need an apology, an explanation of what’s going on in his mind, and couple’s counseling as soon as I return home permanently.
I’d also give my guy some space after this one. Meaning, I’d be a lot less attentive to him and let him know how it feels. But I’m a little vindicative.
Post # 7
ms-tea: Thank you for your kind words and advice. I really needed them.
Kili: To tell you the truth, I really don’t know what I want. I’m finding it hard to take it all in because I literally found all this out around an hour ago. I fee like shit to be honest, I feel absolutely worthless and a fucking fool. The fact that he didn’t cancel his “thing” rather than spend time with me after I just flew over 8 hours to be with him really doesn’t help how I’m feeling after everything I’ve found out. At the moment I’m going from sad to angry to disgusted to furious.
I’m thinking of all the days I’ve worked and when I’ve come “home” to an empty apartment in foreign city looking forward to speaking to him and getting 5 mins on Skype. I’m a fool and I’m sure he certainly thinks I am.
Post # 8
I agree with some PP that two months is not that long to be that tempted! I’ve done LDR with my FI for three month periods previously and alhough it was hard it wasn’t that hard from an intimacy point of view.
I think you need to confront him about this. I would be very hurt, particularly as you said since it is costing a lot of money. It may be hard to regain trust after this
Post # 9
I’d be super pissef too if I flew all that way and he didn’t bend over backwards to spend time with me. You’ve sacrificed a lot to support your household. I’d be ask wtf is going on.
Post # 10
morningcoffee: MrsKing212: Firefox sorts out your browsing history by months and in the previous months he hadn’t been looking at this type of stuff. He watched the occasional porno video and the receipts correspond to this period of time. Maybe because he wasn’t expecting me, he forgot to delete stuff.
ETA: I do feel horrible for snooping but once I started I couldn’t stop.
coachhw: I am normally a really calm chilled out person but I’m really scared that the moment he walks through that door that I will slap him!!
Post # 11
BeeAnon1434: Have you had a discussion previously defining the boundaries of your relationship, boundaries that you both agreed to? If not then you need to do that straight away. Everyone has different opinions on what is cheating and couples need to define that together for their relationship. You need to do this calmly because getting angry at him over something that he had no idea was over a boundary is unreasonable. Let him know how it is making you feel by using I statements like when I found the websites it made me feel insecure/unattractive/upset/whatever.
If you have already defined this then you need to ask him why he felt he needed to do this. Was it because he felt pressured to agree to something he didn’t want to out of fear of you leaving? Was he feeling neglected and lonely? Not that those will excuse his behaviour but it will help going forward if you understand his motivations. It will also help with the decision that you need to make about whether you can forgive him or not.
I would definately bring up the money issue either way. This might be a good time to set out a strict budget that you both stick to in order to maximise savings whilst you are temporarily earning more.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Oh, I’m so sorry. This is so not what you wanted on your five-day reunion. 🙁
Right now you’re angry and you should be. But I don’t think this should be a deal-breaker until you have the conversation you need to have. It’s possible he views this as porn, not cheating. And while you are of course entitled to your feelings about the difference, he is too. On the other hand, because this falls closer to cheating for you, hopefully it’s something he will easily be willing to stop immediately and forever. Maybe you can come to an agreement about what you’re ok with.
I am sending you lots of positive energy and virtual hugs. You can work through this!!!
Post # 13
Btw you’re not a fool. No one could have seen that coming. It’s called trust for a reason!
Post # 14
Porn is one thing, but using your hard earned money for 1:1 chats? That is enough to make any person see red.
Post # 15
BeeAnon1434: I’m so sorry OP. I would be livid. I would also put it in cheating. It’s really bad that you’re off making money and he’s spending it… On that. Try and have a calm convo, and get ready for him to get defensive and angry about how you discovered this. Has everything been okay in your relationship otherwise?