Post # 1
So me and my boyfriend had a conversation, well a few of them about getting married. We set a date for this october and he said we were unoffically engaged because he still wanted to buy a ring and propose. He said as soon as he had the money he was going to get it. We have been together two years, lived together for one, and we want to get married for our third anniversery. In December I found some letters or rejection from ring stores saying he couldnt get credit.
So this January he got out of the military. He got a BIG severence pay check. We paid off a bunch of debt, and he bought a laptop and all this other fun stuff for himself. He gave me some money too. We put a deposit down on a hall and the caterer. I was sure he got me the ring and a proposal was around the corner. He had the money after all. I picked out save the dates and a photographer so we could get engagment shots soon. BTW this whole wedding stuff Im not the one pushing it on him, he looks up stuff and is very envolved in what he wants the wedding to be like.
So some time had passed and nothing. I talked to him and said we need to have the engagment photoshoot sometime soon so we have pics for the save the dates out. I kinda just said it real casual. I said just dont take too too long to propose. He said its going to take me awhile I dont have the money. Im like WHAT? Then I told him well to be honest I kinda expected you had the ring because you had the money recently, that money is gone now. You didnt get a ring? NO, HE DIDNT. I got upset. I cried, I tried to listen but im soooo hurt. It was important and he said he would. He felt really bad, he got upset at himself and we had this drawn out akward talk. I dont understand why he would prioritize something so imoportant. He has no answer he says he doesnt know why he didnt think about it. I told him look its not important I just want you, maybe I can just get the ring the day of the wedding and that gives us time, or get me a small ring, not a diamond and we can upgrade it later. He said he had to think.
Sorry it was so long thank you for reading. I just needed to vent and maybe some advice? I love him and I do want to marry him and I believe he wants to marry me but isnt this a big deal? What should we do? Any other brides out there who didnt get the ring til day of?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
Would you be willing to help pay for the cost of the ring?
Also, would you accept a non-diamond (moissanite possibly?)
I think by the sounds of it, you guys are engaged… you’ve put a deposit down! I get that the ring is important, but I think if its THAT important, you should consider help paying for it (your boyfriend has a job right? surely he can help save up), or get a cheaper, non-diamond like moissanite.
Post # 4
@Mrs. Eagle: Im totally open to another stone and he knows that. I love amethyst and its my birthstone. I just want the big monment not the ring so much. And after this conversation I realized its not important to me I love him and want him. I would definitely help pay and I told him I would, Im the only one working. He just goes to school now he gets his GI bill money and he want to get a partitme. He didnt answer when I gave him that option tho. Im just like hurt he had more than enough money and he didnt even think out it your know? Buys himself a super expensive laptop, tablet, videogames and not my ring. We had discussed it already and he had been trying obviously so i dont get why he did that.
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2012 - Vallecito Lake
I agree with Mrs. Eagle that it sounds like you two are already very engaged 🙂 I’m sure it’s difficult but I would focus on what you are planning – your marriage – and try really hard to move past the engagement. Sure, an engagement story is fantastic, but don’t let that hold you back from not marrying your love, because in the end it isn’t about the engagement story. It sounds like he genuinely wants to get you a ring/proposal but he just can’t pull it off right now. It might be kind of sweet to end up with your ring on your actual wedding day 🙂
Post # 6
@Mrs. Honey: I’m really sorry this happened to you. A ring to me is really important, not for material reasons, but because it shows initiative and commitment (this might just be me). It does sound like you are moving toward getting married so I guess that means you’re engaged but if a ring is important to you then y’all have skipped an important step and you have a right to be disappointed. My ex wanted to plan a wedding and hadn’t purchased a ring, I told him I wasn’t planning anything until I had a ring on my finger, and it didn’t have to be expensive, that we could always upgrade later – he proposed the next day WITH a ring. He said he knew it wasn’t what I deserved but it was all he could afford (it was actually very beautiful). Anyway, if it’s as important to you as it sounds like, maybe you could/should take a step back from the wedding planning and tend to the engagement first. Good luck!
Post # 7
If you’ve got a deposit on a venue, I’d assume that means you’ve got a date picked. You’ve agreed to marry, so for all intents and purposes, you’re engaged. I wouldn’t get all hung up on the semantics at this point because that horse left the barn once you started putting deposits down.
What I would do would be to have a very honest conversation and explain that, since you’ve put the deposit down already, you really have only two choices: cancel the venue, risking losing the deposit, and start all over at a later time, or proceed with your planned date and venue, with you and he both agreeing that a formal on-bended-knee proposal isn’t needed, and perhaps compromising what you personally would like in a ring for something more budget-friendly and maybe he can surprise you with something a little more luxurious at some unknown point in the future. Both have pro’s and con’s: if you go forward, you of course miss out on the fancy proposal which is very important to some women, and you would have to be very realistic about what you can and cannot afford for the actual wedding. If you decide to sit it out and wait till money’s more flush, you risk losing your deposits and you have to get used to not being engaged for a while.
Frankly neither situation is optimal but neither one should be a relatioship-killer as long as you both are willing to compromise a bit, and as long as you are realistic about your budgets, and most importantly, as long as you agree as a couple what you will do.
Post # 8
@emmalyn: <— Agree
A ring is a huge deal to me. To me it says intent. I had a previous engagement with no ring and all this wedding planning and he called it off. Of course I’m not suggesting this will happen to you, but I feel you need to really be clear if this is a big deal to you. And if it is, come up with ways that work for you both to get that ring. It sounds like you are willing to compromise, so while I value that, if a diamond is your dream, just be honest about it.
My guess is that he thought to buy the ring on credit and would just make payments and it didn’t get approved. In the meantime, he spent the money he thought he didn’t have to use for the ring. It also sounds like he was maybe embarrassed he didn’t get approved, which I totally get.
If a ring isn’t a big deal to you, that’s ok too. Engagement rings are rather recent in terms of time. If he is willing to take pics, set a date and send out STD’s then that is engaged with no ring. It doesn’t mean any less of an engagement as long as you both are truly ok with it. 🙂
There is also no harm in pushing the date back a little so he can save. Maybe you could take the money that was put as a reservation toward it.
I just saw an Extreme Coupon show where the couple was saving for her ring and they refused to go over $2,000. I thought it was really cute and it was very inspiring to me concerning all things wedding.
Best to you!
Post # 9
@paloma-aguilar: So, let me get this straight: he got out of the military, got a bit of a winfall, paid down some debt then blew the rest. Does he have a job now? All of that severance is gone? Have you discussed his poor credit with him?
Everything else aside, he doesn’t sound terribly responsible with his finances. I think you have other things you should be thinking about besides a ring.
Post # 10
@SeaSalt: I agree completely. My ex-husband was really good at blowing through money that came his way, buying himself toys, buying computers, and he completely ruined our finances and credit after the wedding. His lack of credit combined with the impulse spending is what would concern me. He didn’t plan, he didn’t put money aside, and he blew through a big severance cheque? That’s concerning, it really, really is.
OP, do you have joint control over the finances? Does he do this sort of thing often? Poor impulse control is a big no-no for me, especially when it comes to dropping big loads of cash. Have a talk with him about your finances and your priorities here and how you’re both going to be managing spending before this goes any further.
Post # 11
+1 to both @mistress_anne and @SeaSalt
These ladies have hit my thoughts right on the nail. Is this common for him? I cannot even fathom being with someone who got a large sum of money and proceeded to blow it all in a month.
To me the ring isn’t even on the radar right now. Please consider whether this is a common theme for him-reckless spending with money. If it is I would consider SERIOUSLY having him attend meetings with a financial consultant who can help him figure out a plan for his money.
Honestly, to me that would be a deal-breaker. Money is a huge concern for me and I cannot be with someone who spends recklessly.
Post # 12
@paloma-aguilar: take the laptop back!!!
Post # 13
It sounds like maybe you’re better at managing money than he is. Some people spend, spend, spend without thinking and then they are like, ‘Oh crap! I should have thought this through!!’ If you are better with finances, than I would suggest helping him go over his, and setting up a savings account where he can slowly start putting away some money for the ring. Also, talk about who will be in charge of the finances when you get married. I see that your wedding date is October, so if you do want a ring soon, help him check out more affordable options and do an upgrade later as you suggested. Good luck!!!
Post # 14
I do also agree with the posters that talk about his spending habits. Even if you are engaged, that he didn’t even think of a ring, to me, says something. Unless he just didn’t know you wanted one but he was the one that said he wanted to save and propose. But he didn’t.
I would discuss all of this with him…his spending, the lack of saving as he said he wanted to/would, still going forward with wedding to-do’s, etc. There seems to be a lot of things to discuss.
I have not so great credit and FI knows this. I have exposed everything. Shined a huge light on it. FI is always able to get approved and is much better with money than I. I have been turning around and am willing to change certain things. I know I could likely not get approved and it’s because my credit, as stated, isn’t that hot. Credit standing is something your FI should know about you.