(Closed) So hurt, what should we do?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

Would you be willing to help pay for the cost of the ring? 

Also, would you accept a non-diamond (moissanite possibly?) 

I think by the sounds of it, you guys are engaged… you’ve put a deposit down!  I get that the ring is important, but I think if its THAT important, you should consider help paying for it (your boyfriend has a job right? surely he can help save up), or get a cheaper, non-diamond like moissanite. 

Post # 5
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2012 - Vallecito Lake

I agree with Mrs. Eagle that it sounds like you two are already very engaged 🙂 I’m sure it’s difficult but I would focus on what you are planning – your marriage – and try really hard to move past the engagement. Sure, an engagement story is fantastic, but don’t let that hold you back from not marrying your love, because in the end it isn’t about the engagement story. It sounds like he genuinely wants to get you a ring/proposal but he just can’t pull it off right now. It might be kind of sweet to end up with your ring on your actual wedding day 🙂

Post # 6
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Mrs. Honey:  I’m really sorry this happened to you. A ring to me is really important, not for material reasons, but because it shows initiative and commitment (this might just be me). It does sound like you are moving toward getting married so I guess that means you’re engaged but if a ring is important to you then y’all have skipped an important step and you have a right to be disappointed. My ex wanted to plan a wedding and hadn’t purchased a ring, I told him I wasn’t planning anything until I had a ring on my finger, and it didn’t have to be expensive, that we could always upgrade later – he proposed the next day WITH a ring. He said he knew it wasn’t what I deserved but it was all he could afford (it was actually very beautiful). Anyway, if it’s as important to you as it sounds like, maybe you could/should take a step back from the wedding planning and tend to the engagement first. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you’ve got a deposit on a venue, I’d assume that means you’ve got a date picked. You’ve agreed to marry, so for all intents and purposes, you’re engaged. I wouldn’t get all hung up on the semantics at this point because that horse left the barn once you started putting deposits down.

What I would do would be to have a very honest conversation and explain that, since you’ve put the deposit down already, you really have only two choices: cancel the venue, risking losing the deposit, and start all over at a later time, or proceed with your planned date and venue, with you and he both agreeing that a formal on-bended-knee proposal isn’t needed, and perhaps compromising what you personally would like in a ring for something more budget-friendly and maybe he can surprise you with something a little more luxurious at some unknown point in the future.  Both have pro’s and con’s: if you go forward, you of course miss out on the fancy proposal which is very important to some women, and you would have to be very realistic about what you can and cannot afford for the actual wedding. If you decide to sit it out and wait till money’s more flush, you risk losing your deposits and you have to get used to not being engaged for a while. 

Frankly neither situation is optimal but neither one should be a relatioship-killer as long as you both are willing to compromise a bit, and as long as you are realistic about your budgets, and most importantly, as long as you agree as a couple what you will do.

Post # 8
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@emmalyn:  <— Agree

A ring is a huge deal to me. To me it says intent. I had a previous engagement with no ring and all this wedding planning and he called it off. Of course I’m not suggesting this will happen to you, but I feel you need to really be clear if this is a big deal to you. And if it is, come up with ways that work for you both to get that ring. It sounds like you are willing to compromise, so while I value that, if a diamond is your dream, just be honest about it.

My guess is that he thought to buy the ring on credit and would just make payments and it didn’t get approved. In the meantime, he spent the money he thought he didn’t have to use for the ring. It also sounds like he was maybe embarrassed he didn’t get approved, which I totally get.

If a ring isn’t a big deal to you, that’s ok too. Engagement rings are rather recent in terms of time. If he is willing to take pics, set a date and send out STD’s then that is engaged with no ring. It doesn’t mean any less of an engagement as long as you both are truly ok with it. 🙂

There is also no harm in pushing the date back a little so he can save. Maybe you could take the money that was put as a reservation toward it.

I just saw an Extreme Coupon show where the couple was saving for her ring and they refused to go over $2,000. I thought it was really cute and it was very inspiring to me concerning all things wedding.

 

Best to you!

 

Post # 9
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

@paloma-aguilar:  So, let me get this straight: he got out of the military, got a bit of a winfall, paid down some debt then blew the rest.  Does he have a job now?  All of that severance is gone? Have you discussed his poor credit with him?

Everything else aside, he doesn’t sound terribly responsible with his finances.  I think you have other things you should be thinking about besides a ring.  

 

Post # 10
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@SeaSalt:  I agree completely.  My ex-husband was really good at blowing through money that came his way, buying himself toys, buying computers, and he completely ruined our finances and credit after the wedding.  His lack of credit combined with the impulse spending is what would concern me.  He didn’t plan, he didn’t put money aside, and he blew through a big severance cheque?  That’s concerning, it really, really is.

OP, do you have joint control over the finances?  Does he do this sort of thing often?  Poor impulse control is a big no-no for me, especially when it comes to dropping big loads of cash.  Have a talk with him about your finances and your priorities here and how you’re both going to be managing spending before this goes any further. 

Post # 11
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

+1 to both @mistress_anne and @SeaSalt

These ladies have hit my thoughts right on the nail. Is this common for him? I cannot even fathom being with someone who got a large sum of money and proceeded to blow it all in a month.

To me the ring isn’t even on the radar right now. Please consider whether this is a common theme for him-reckless spending with money. If it is I would consider SERIOUSLY having him attend meetings with a financial consultant who can help him figure out a plan for his money.

Honestly, to me that would be a deal-breaker. Money is a huge concern for me and I cannot be with someone who spends recklessly.

Post # 13
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like maybe you’re better at managing money than he is. Some people spend, spend, spend without thinking and then they are like, ‘Oh crap! I should have thought this through!!’ If you are better with finances, than I would suggest helping him go over his, and setting up a savings account where he can slowly start putting away some money for the ring. Also, talk about who will be in charge of the finances when you get married. I see that your wedding date is October, so if you do want a ring soon, help him check out more affordable options and do an upgrade later as you suggested. Good luck!!!

Post # 14
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I do also agree with the posters that talk about his spending habits. Even if you are engaged, that he didn’t even think of a ring, to me, says something. Unless he just didn’t know you wanted one but he was the one that said he wanted to save and propose. But he didn’t.

I would discuss all of this with him…his spending, the lack of saving as he said he wanted to/would, still going forward with wedding to-do’s, etc. There seems to be a lot of things to discuss.

I have not so great credit and FI knows this. I have exposed everything. Shined a huge light on it. FI is always able to get approved and is much better with money than I. I have been turning around and am willing to change certain things. I know I could likely not get approved and it’s because my credit, as stated, isn’t that hot. Credit standing is something your FI should know about you.

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