(Closed) So I asked FMIL for addresses

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

At least you got a list when I asked my FMIL she never sent one (that was 4 months ago)haha

Post # 4
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think your FI needs to talk to her first of all, because she clearly thinks all those kids are invited.  You don’t want her talking to those people and verbally inviting them.

As far as the wording, STDs are meant to be less formal than the actaul invites.  Mine were all sent “Joe & Jane Smith” or “The Smith Family”.  The actual invites I will use Mr and Mrs.  And for sure using first names.  The way your FMIL wrote it is an accepted way to do it, but also the very traditional old fashioned way.  Many women today prefer it if you refer to them as a whole person and not just and extension of their husbands.

Post # 5
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Chrysoberyl:  I would address the STD’s with Mr & Mrs. If you do include boths names it should be written Mr Husband & Mrs Wife Lastname – it just reads easier. It’s not improper at all – just not traditionally. Honestly, let FMIL know that children are not invited – you may get some backlash because why is one kid invited and not others. 

Post # 6
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

1) I would do the same for the STD as for your invitations, depending on how formal your wedding will be. Your STD are supposed to “set the tone” for the wedding.

2) Proper etiquette would be Mr. and Mrs. John Smith – when a woman gets married, she loses her name. Even a widowed woman should TECHNICALLY be referred to as Mrs. John Smith, if she was married to John when he died. That is just etiquette though – do whatever you want.

3) I would respond. Thanks for getting the addresses back to me so quickly! Just so you know, we are not having children at the wedding!

Post # 8
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This is my thing. Mr. & Mrs. Lolita doesn’t usually offend anyone (unless the wife actually hyphenated or something). But Mr. & Mrs. Husbands first name Lolita does tend to spark up quite the debate. Why even bother with it? Take the safe route. You don’t want to tick off your guests before they’re even invited to the wedding. And your FMIL doesn’t even have to know how you worded them. I doubt she will even find out. 

So, I would do the same for the save the dates as the invitations. It just makes it easier. 

I would also call your FMIL and politely let her know that your wedding will be a no children allowed wedding. And then, I would have a list of 15+ reasons why when she bombards you with questions. 

 

Post # 10
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We send our STD’s exactly how we’re going to send the invites, that way I only had to type it all out once. So…ours read “Mr. & Mrs. HusbandName Lastname”  or “Ms. Firstname Lastname” etc.

Also, get a handle on those kids haha make sure you make it clear they are not invited…we had to cut a few of FMIL’s guests/kids and I had to tell her like 4 times “NO, your friend from school that you have not seen in 20 years cannot bring her 8 kids” lol

Post # 11
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Sea_Ashley:  @lolita39:  She was referring to wife’s first name not last name. When I read it I thought she meant the wife’s last name but she does say first name. 

@Chrysoberyl:  If you want to go more informal than don’t use Mr & Mrs but do not put Smith Family – then they will think kids are invited to. Your FI knows better then anybody how to approach his mom. Maybe something along the lines of – Hey mom, thanks for the list but we discussed that children weren’t going to be invited. We want to keep the cost do and that’s the best way to do it.

Post # 12
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Chrysoberyl:  proper etiquette is that married couples be addressed Mr. & Mrs. Husband’s first and last name

Have your FI tell his mother that kids are not being invited to the wedding due to budget.  Try not to get involved.  It took my MIL over 3 months to get us her guest list to us – and my SIL got married the year before!  You would think she would have invited the same people and it would have been easy!

Good luck with your weddding planning journey!

Post # 14
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Chrysoberyl:  I think that is fine! I am not old fashioned and hate to see Mr & Mrs John Doe – seriously I am not a guy either put my name too or just drop both first names.

Post # 15
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The days are long gone when women were prepared to accept that their identity had been subsumed into that of their husband. I honestly do know about etiquette (despite cocking a snook at the more ludicrous examples) but regardless of what may have been done back in ancient times, nowadays, it is perfectly acceptable to refer to people as Mr and Mrs Lastname, or Bill & Shelley Lastname, or even, Shelley & Bill Lastname!

Surnames after marriage are no longer something that can be taken for granted. For example, I double-barrelled my name with my maiden name last. I don’t get overly twitchy about someone writing Mr and Mrs Ffortescue on an envelope rather than Montmorency Ffortescue and Hermione Ffortescue-Smythe but for sure, I would be less than delighted to be referred to as Mrs Montmorency Ffortescue! Many people keep their maiden names or double barrel these days. Hence the old customs often being inappropriate. Just refer to people as you know they refer to themselves!

As for the uninvited kids issue, you will need to tell your FMIL that you plan to have a child-free wedding before expectations are whipped up by her. It might cause a drama but hey, this is always a slightly contentious issue so just be prepared to stick by your guns if you are determined to go with the plan.

Post # 16
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Chrysoberyl:  I addressed the majoriy of my invites to Bob and Bonnie Smith instead of Mr. and Mrs. Bob Smith. That’s just me as I think it’s an outdated form of address and I wanted to have the woman’s name on the invite.

My FIL gave me their addresses in that format Mr. and Mrs. Bob Smith and that is what I used for those ones as I didn’t have the rest of the information.

Unless my family compares their invites to the guests FIL invited no one will never know 🙂

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