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Just tell them thanks for the information, but you've decided that you'll be holding off for a little while for personal reasons. It's really none of their business, like i'm sure you share with your close friends, but the general public doesn't need details.
We wanted a wedding now because at 32 (me) and 39 (him) we didn't want to wait. And we have compromised on a lot. Our wedding is very small, I don't have the reception venue I really wanted (because of $$$), and some family that live far won't be able to be here because we more or less planned this in less than 7 months. We also compromised on doing a lot of travel and home improvement projects. We are on the lucky side because both his parents and my dad are helping out financially. But we are still having a wedding on less than $5k.
But at a little of 2 weeks, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm so happy we are getting married now rather than waiting until we saved a little more money. Could we have had a bigger wedding? Probably but I don't think we'd be any happier.
That said, that's what worked for us. If waiting another year or two is ok with both of you to have the wedding of your dreams, don't worry what everyone else says. You are the ones getting married, not them. Good luck! And stick around here. You can get lots of ideas in two years!
It's not really okay with me. I'd have a courthouse wedding tomorrow if we could. :( It's the stupid house. We can not do anything or plan anything until it sells and he and his brothers won't even list it for 2 years. He'd have to convince his brothers to each take a 10K hit on their finances as well.
I can't even just move in there because it is so far away, I'd have a 4 hour commute to work (4 hours both ways) AND I am deathly allergic to his brothers 3 stupid cats. As it is now, I can never go there and spend more than 30 minutes because I stop being able to breath. At the same time, I know neither FI or I would be willing to ask his brothers to get rid of the cats.
I feel like so much is just out of my control.
GothyBride2B, I am so sorry that this situation sucks so badly. I'd like to hold out a little hope that maybe your FI will change his mind when he realizes that you wouldn't be able to plan a wedding for two years. And you are *definitely* still engaged. Engagement is intent to wed and you have that. There's no statute of limitations on an engagement! I' sorry your family is so unsupportive; that is just awful.
Why do you have to wait until he sells the house? Is it for financial reasons or will it complicate the mortgage if you get married? If it's financial, you can seriously plan a very nice wedding for very little $$$. My fiancé and I are probably going to come in under out $5,000 budget. Check out 2000 dollar wedding for ideas and budgets. If it is the paperwork, would a prenup help clarify things? It is possible to isolate pre-existing debt that way.
Good luck and I hope you do whatever makes you happy!
I second Mandyrosy's question? Why can't you have a courthouse wedding (very inexpensively) and a bigger vow renewal in a couple of years (if you still want one) without selling the house? It doesn't sound like having a wedding is a big deal to you, but being married is. And 2 years is a *really* long time to wait. For me 1 year from when we got engaged felt long. When you're ready to be married, you're ready. A wedding is just a party...but a marriage is the beginning of a new family and life together. You don't need a white dress or a multi-tiered cake to do that.
To above posters, I think one of the issues (if I'm reading this right) is that if GothyBride were to get married right now (or soon) then she would not be able to move in with her FI because of the cats at the house that he owns, and the fact that it is a four hour commute to her job.
I do have a couple of questions though. Are you sure that FI's brothers are going to want to sell the house in 2 years, just because they've broken even? Are they looking to get out of it too? Are you and FI currently in a long-distance relationship? Just wondering how his house could be four hours from your job (cats nonwithstanding)
As for the length of your enagement, I'll be engaged for over two years by the time we get married, but I've also been living with FI for four years. I would think that two more years would be a long time to not be living together, and I also worry that the two years may not be a realistic "endpoint." Unfortunately, his brothers could decide in two years that they don't want to sell the house, and have no interest in "buying him out," so to speak.
Anyway, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, just wanted to clear some things up.
I'm not sure I understand why you're waiting if elopement is an option. So what if he co-owns a house? Can he move in with you? Can the two of you rent an inexpensive apartment? Or which is more important, getting married and living in his house, or not risking offending one of his brothers by asking him to foster the cats elsewhere?
I know a wedding party isn't the same if you have it after you're already married but... so what? If you're ready to be married, and it's making you sad not to be... skip the party. Throw one later. Vow renewals are all the rage these days. ;)
I was reading this and wondering the same thing. Why can't you get married now? Is he living in the house with his brothers and would have to move out? So he'd be paying mortgage but not living there?
I agree with FizicsGirl. You don't need a ton of money to be married. Try and make things work out now. Small weddings can be just as beautiful.
As for the living situation. Can he move in where you are?
I have to add about the 4 hour commute: that would be true whether the cats were there or not. Is one of you planning on changing jobs? You guys have some logistics to work out, but you can start doing that now as much as you can start doing that later.
Can he be bought out? Realistically, does he want to own a home with his brothers forever? Or is this just until it sells? Maybe there could be paperwork to offer him an "out" upon selling date?
I'd definitely look into some sort of prenup so the co-owned house doesn't cause a problem, whether it's you and he against the mortgage or just protecting of yourself from his brothers.
I think you should find a way to get married. There really is no 100% sure answer what 2 years will bring. 2 years could turn into two more years...you get the drift
Yes, he is living there. He can't move in with me. I currently live with a roommate and can not afford a 1 BR in Boston on one income. FI's income has to go to paying is ridiculous mortgage.
He'd still have to pay his mortage. I can't afford a 1BR on my own. Neither of us make enough to pay for a 1BR here alone. Now, if we lived together and he didn't have the mortgage, it would be fine. We need to be able to just be paying one rent or one mortgage.
There is no such thing as an inexpensive apartment in the metro Boston area. I've looked, believe me. I'd have to keep rent at or under $600 for a 1BR because I'd have to pay it while he pays his mortgage and that's the max I can afford. My rent is currently $450 for my 1/2 of a 2 BR. His mortgage is around $700. So my living expenses would go up both in rent and utilities because he would still have to pay his utilities at the house. Neither of us has much money left over after bills as it is.
It is just not feasible. And we thought about just getting second jobs. Getting second jobs sounds fine and dandy, but I have an hour+ commute now because of traffic. If I got a second job in the city close to where I work now, I'd be doing 7 AM - 10 PM and then having an hour drive home.
Luckily his brothers both really really want out. One of them is seriously involved with a woman who wants to get married soon. The other just wants to be out on his own. They all agree that buying the house together when the market was up was a bad move, but no one forsaw the crash of the Boston housing market. His bros are as anxious as he is, and both of them are actually more willing to take the 10K debt that FI & I are. FI & I both already have enough debt we're trying to get rid of. More would kill us.
It seems like such an impossible situation. I just don't know what to do.
What about renting the house. They all seperate and move on and the house gets the mortgage paid by the renters?
IA: I thought of that too.
Also, do you live and work in Boston? Could you live outside Boston and use mass transit to get into work? Also, if you and FI live (what seems to be) 3+ hours apart, you're probably spending a lot of money trekking back and forth to see each other. Maybe moving closer could save more $ than you think...?
Also, I know it s*cks but have you considered a studio? They're usually much cheaper than one bedrooms.
Just trying to throw lots of ideas out there as I think of them.
We currently live close to 2 hours apart. He stays with me one weeknight a week and on weekends. Much to my roommates dismay but at least my roommate is okay with it and doesn't tell me it has to stop.
I'd be willing to live in a studio w FI for a while but even studios around here are pricey too.
My roommate initially wanted me to move out at the end of the year but then he ran into some financial problems and told me I could stay as long as needed til the wedding. (my roommate is a guy)
IA, they have actually tried to rent it and no takers. It's kind of in the middle of nowhere in Western MA. Not an area people are jumping to pay $2000 a month to rent a house in. :(
What about his job? If everything worked out re: selling the house, would he have to find another job as well?
I'm not overly familar with the area you're talking about (my only reference points are that my friend lives in Cambridge, my dad used to work in Pittsfield, and Six Flags is in Springfield) but I would think that if you live in the actual Boston metro area, you might be able to move to a cheaper neighborhood or a nearby surrounding area that may be cheaper.
Also, sometimes couples have roommates, or two couples live together, etc. You may be able to save some $ by looking for that type of situation. Also, if your current roommate is hurting for money, maybe your FI could move into your room, and you could start contributing more to the rent.
FI won't live with other people. Just me. He is old school and thinks couples should live on their own.
Basically, if we both lived in Central MA, we'd both have decent commutes. An hour and a half or so, taking traffic into account.
Here's an idea: find a renter for his room (not the whole house), even if it doesn't cover his portion of the mortgage. Apply the extra rental income to his portion of the rent and find a studio. Or get a roommate for the two of you. He might be old-fashioned, but if he was considering you living with him and his brothers then he's probably willing to bend if it means waiting two more years to get married otherwise.
I know it's probably just me being over analytical but I think it bothers him that he can't, like, provide for me. I think thats kind of silly since I don't know ANY couples where one income supports them. *shrug* but maybe it's a guy thing. I don't know. We're not going to have kids. I'm always going to work. He knows this. I don't know.
I'm going to suggest the renter for just his room but I think his brothers will probably kill that hope since they don't want to live with a stranger.
can they rent out the house? even if it doesn't cover the whole mortgage, it'll help.
if you're not in metro boston but a spot in between where both of you currently are / work, would you be able to afford a studio?
if he rents out the house, he's only responsible for mortgage and taxes, no utilities.
They'd rather not rent it. They'd never get enough $$ for it to cover the mortgage and places for them to all live. :(
I know everything seems bleak at the moment, but you'll feel much better if you and your FI start taking positive steps to finding a solution (rather than waiting for 2 years to pass and hoping that the sale of his house will solve everything).
Contact a consumer counseling program (Google programs in your area) -- many of these services are free. If you and your FI have other debt that you're trying to pay down besides his house, they can help you formulate a debt reduction plan. The two of you will have to consider your financial future together anyway, so why not start with a proactive plan now.
Things may not be as bad as they seem. A counselor can view your situation objectively. Sometimes they can even help free up a bit more monthly cash flow by making deals with some of your creditors.
honestly, if you guys really want to get married "logistics" shouldn't be in the way. It sounds like there could be something else under this huge pile of excuses. People get married under much more challenging circumstances so if you guys want to be married, just do it.
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Planning weddings sucks when you have no money. :(
I see all these people having gorgeous weddings and nice honeymoons. I know FI & I will not have any of that because we are relatively poor. I have an extremely wealthy family but because I am an encore (10 years ago/I left after 3 weeks and had it annulled...honestly, to me this is my first and only marriage coming up with FI) But my family refuses any assistance, financial or emotional. FI and I don't want to go into debt.
So thinking about all we can't have for our wedding was depressing me. Especially the honeymoon part. We won't be able to afford anything.
Then there is the whole "it will be 2 years before we can even set a date" issue. FI and his two brothers own a house. The housing market sucks. If they sold the house now, they'd be out at least 30K. 1/3 of which FI and I would have to take a loan for to pay off. *shakes head* If he waits 2 years, they will break even.
When I mentioned wishing we could set a date, he said he sometimes wishes he'd waited to propose until logistics would have been better for us to actually get married. :(
So this weekend, I told him I want to just stop wedding planning. And stop wedding thinking. We can start putting money aside but that is it. No more looking at dresses, locations etc. Who knows if these vendors will even exist by the time we get married. I had to tell his mom too and I know it made her sad.
Anyone else ever do this or face a situation like this? Does this mean we are no longer engaged if we aren't planning?
If it were up to me, we'd elope. I don't care about the party so much. I care about the marriage. But I know he wants a wedding, mostly for his family. He's the first in his fam to get married at age 35... But even eloping, we have to wait 2 years to pick a date because of the damn house.
I just feel like this is whats best. How do I tell friends (politely and without giving them too much detail) to stop sending me wedding info because we are currently not planning? I've tried saying "we'd like to have a long, romantic engagement like people used to do in the old days" etc. and playing up that this is a romantic thing but then we're met with "2-4 years is a long wait AT YOUR AGE" (I'm 32...he's 35).
Any advice?