Post # 1
Just got back from the ER and was diagnosed with Crohn’s. I’m so blessed to have the support of my family though.
My parents want me to hide the fact that I have Crohn’s from my fiance. They do not want him to know just yet but I feel like sharing it with someone. They think it’s too early to tell before a colonoscopy but the doctor was 99% sure it as Crohn’s. I’m wondering if you would feel sad and hurt if your fiance had a disease he was hiding and didn’t tell the moment it was discovered.
I’m scared and wanting moral support from him but I want to protect my parents wishes.
Post # 2
Your parents have nothing to do with what you say or don’t say to your fiance. Are you a grown woman or a teenager?
In fact, your FI should know things like this before your parents do.
Post # 3
If I found out my fiance was hiding something like that I would be upset he didn’t trust me or feel comfortable telling me. I’ve had serious health issues in the past, and if I knew my fiance then he would have been the first person I would tell and ask for moral support. If you are engaged than you are saying you are ready to be married and have them as your life partner. Perhaps your parents are still viewing you as a kid and you should explain what your fiance is to you.
Post # 4
MsW-to-MrsM: I am a woman. The main thing is that his mother is really talkative and they don’t want his whole family to know.My parents are not from this country. They are extremely over-bearing.Even if I say he won’t tel, they won’t believe me. And oh my..my parents sure have boundary issues. I’m learning that he will be the person I go to first!
Post # 5
ruphiolis: I find it strange that they gave you a diagnosis of Crohn’s disaese from an ER visit before you were scoped. There are other things that can mimic Crohn’s disease.
I think your FI should know, but it sounds like a sticky situation with your parents. Why are they afraid of his family knowing? This is something that you could use his support dealing with.
Post # 6
I am sorry to hear your news. I have had crohns for the last six years, and was diagnosed when I was 19. It has taken me a long time to be comfortable with my condition and learn how to handle it. I think you need to do what you think is best for you. I know that I have really relied on support from my fiance. I think it is a bit unfair of your parents to give you this advice. Getting an diagnosis is overwhelming and you should be able to depend on the people you love for support. Diagnosing crohns is notoriously difficult, you may unfortunately never get a 100% confirmed diagnosis, but you will have all the symptoms and receive the treatment. There are also a ton on facebook support groups. I know there is a stigma that support groups are sad and only for people to talk about their depressing experiences – totally not the case!!!! PM me if you want to have a bit more of a chat – sending all of my very best wishes to you!
Post # 7
Crohn’s can really only be diagnosed for sure by scope (upper and lower) so I’m not sure how the ER told you that you have Crohn’s. Did a gastroenterologist see you in the ER? If not and you werer just told this by an ER dr I would not assume you have Crohn’s unless it is confirmed. Regardless you should follow-up and have further testing.
I also think your FI should know. He very well may have to drive you to the scope. If you are in a serious relationship with someone to the point that you are engaged, I don’t think secrets should be kept from each other. This is a stressful time and you will want his support. I’m not sure why your mom would have to know if you told him in confidence.
Post # 8
I would be very upset if I found out my FI was hiding something like this from me. Your parents have no business asking you to keep this from him. Can he not keep secrets from his mother?
Post # 9
ruphiolis: I have colitis- was diagnosed a week before my wedding. I couldn’t imagine going through it alone without my husband, he was truly my biggest support system and (in my opinion) that’s how it should be. It’s nothing to be ashamed of….you should be able to share your health concerns/issues with your husband first and foremost even to your family.
as an aside, I’m also surprised the dr diagnosed you with chrones without doing a colonoscopy. The dr wouldn’t even say with certainty I had colitis without one. I’d definitely get a second opinion.
Post # 10
ruphiolis: wth? I’m sorry but that’s hardly your parents place to tell you to keep important things like this from the person you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Your FI should have been the first to know.
I would not only be hurt if my FI kept this from me, but I would also be downright livid that he’s making decisions with mom and dad instead of me, and further deciding whether or not to keep secrets from me. I love my parents to bits, but they are not my primary relationship. My FI is. All I can say is that this type of behaviour would be a deal-breaker.
Post # 11
Bridey77: this. I’ve been an RN for many many years and I have NEVER not even once heard of a Crohns diagnosis thru ER. Scopes & biopsies are required. Your ER doc, PA, NP, whoever told you this is full of crap themselves. Pun intended.
OP, please relax, and NO please don’t go shouting to the world this is a definitive Dx.
But DO, for the sake of your relationship, talk it all out with your FI. To not do so, is rather shady & shallow, despite your parents wishes, or the potential actions of his family.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
As a card carrying member of the Autoimmune club you need to tell him what is up. Autoimmune disease are taxing, expensive, life long, and life threatening. He should know why they’re giving you a colonoscopy, endoscopy, pulling a ton of blood etc. When and if they find crohns you’ll need to be put on heavy drugs to supress your immune system, and possibly a restricted diet. He needs to know now to mourn, and prepare with you. This is not a cold that will go away its a life long disorder with potentially life threatening complications and treatments that are harsh. He deserves to know what is up hiding something like this is not good. My husband knows how many messes I have with my system and he accepts them as part of who I am but I never hid that from him he knew from the start and has seen diagnosis of additional issues since we started dating. Please tell him you need the support, and he needs to have time to digest this.
Post # 13
Sweetjennygirl: Well, you know…some new docs hit the ER right out of medical school and think they’re house House M.D.
Post # 14
I have Celiac Disease and in my second year of college I had a terrible semester where I could barely leave my apt because of the pain and diarrhea (sorry tmi). The doctor thought it was Chrons so he said there was a real possibility but he could not make a diagnosis before colonoscopy/endoscopy. Long story short, I do not have Chrons. I struggled for many years after that, got a lot better but never 100% healthy. Finally 5 years ago I was diagnosed with Celiac.
Op, you might have Chrons. You might not have it and have something else. It is too early to tell without the testing. And even more, normally in the ER you are seen by a general practitioner unless a consult is scheduled with a gastro. I’d be very skeptical of a diagnosis of Chrons made with no testing, in a ER by a general practiotioner and not the specialist who makes a living seeing this type of cases every day. A gastro. As for your fiance, only you get to choose who you think is the right person to support you right now. But I really think that keeping this from your fiance is not an honest move. The man is about to marry you, and it is only fair that you disclose if you truly have this illness or the possibility that you might have it. He needs to be aware now that his fiance might need extra care, help, funds and might need to be supported in many ways. In sickness and health. That is part of the vows, sure. But would you like it if he was keeping a disease from you? Or huge debt that might have an impact in both your lives? Would you like to find out, after you are married, that your spouse knew all along and with the help and encouragement from the inlaws chose to keep it from you? If you choose to do this, be prepared for him to question what other secrets you have kept from him. You will be setting the road for doubts and trust issues in a marriage you have not entered yet.
Post # 15
I agree with everyone else. He has a right to know what his future wife is dealing with. I am sure that he would keep it between you and him unless and until you are ready for others to know.