Post # 1
So my FI and I have been together for 5 years. We each have our “group” of people who have been there for us through everything (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Even before we were engaged, I knew who I wanted my bridesmaids to be.
The only friend I am really truly on the fence about is L. L and I have been friends off and on since middle school. When we got into high school, we kind of drifted because we went through our own crap and she has had a really rough past…. prostituted herself for drugs, addicted to cocaine, and went into rehab all before we graduated high school. When we graduated, she got pregnant, married the guy, miscarried because he kicked the crap out of her, divorced the guy. It’s really been terrible. I had no idea all of this was going on. All I knew was that she was married, living in the next state over, and she was having a baby. When we finally reconnected, she shared all of this with me. She has been to every major thing that’s ever happened since we started talking again- birthday parties, graduation parties, outings, etc. Always the first to call to see how I am.
Here’s the issue…
L is a terribly, slu**y drunk. I love the girl to death. But when she drinks, she turns into this totally different person. She does things that I am utterly embarassed by. She has hooked up with 2 of my best guy friends while she was drinking (I tried to recon, totally didn’t work out). I’m inviting her to the wedding regardless… do I ask her to be in the bridal party? I feel like I’m betraying her if I don’t… but I am also concerned with her behavior… HELP BEES!
Post # 3
Woah! Tough tough tough one. If you have any doubts now… they are going to carry on and on until and during your wedding day and you are going to STRESS. If I were you I wouldn’t even touch the subject with her…
Post # 4
Tough situation to be in. I guess if you are close to her and inviting her anyway and then she may get drunk regardless if she is BM or not. If you have serious concerns about her drinking and causing a scene I would discuss it with her saying it’s a classy event and you don’t want people to get super drunk and sloppy etc. Maybe she’ll take the hint?
Post # 5
I think that whether she’s a bridesmaid or not, she’s going to be at your wedding regardless. I know that it’s tough to keep someone like that under control, but maybe you can have a talk with her about it beforehand in a non-confrontational way? It sounds like you do want her as a bridesmaid, but you’re just worried about her drunken antics. I would probably ask her to be a bridesmaid if I were you, but just give her a nice picture of how you’d like your wedding to be. Let her know you’re a little worried about people being drunk at the wedding, and you just want it to be a nice, classy affair. She might get the hint and behave!
Post # 6
I think a lot of us can identify with the situation of having a friend with questionable character issues. However, like you said, you are inviting her to the wedding regardless, and I don’t see a huge difference in her being at the wedding as a guest or her being there as a bridesmaid, as far as her potential to embarrass you.
In fact, maybe if she is a bridesmaid she will feel more compelled to keep herself under control at your wedding?
Post # 7
I felt the same about one of my bridesmaids, she’s sort of a slu**y drunk as well. Well actually it tends to be the same when she’s sober as well, but I adore her. We were best friends in high school but have drifted since then. I still asked her to be a BM. Have you talked to L about her behavior? Perhaps ‘nicely’ ask her about her drinking? She sounds like she’s had it pretty rough over the years, and the fact that’s she’s attended those things and calls to see how you are; at the very least it sounds like you have a good friend in her. Personally, I’d still ask her, but talk to her about how you want things to go at the wedding (ie no slu**ing it up at the reception!)
Post # 8
Um I would speak to her about her actions before if she is or isn’t in your BM party. As a guest she should behave herself at your wedding and as a BM she should be especially behaved and not bringing attention to herself. I have a few friends that I know I will have to speak to before the wedding about their drinking and so does FI. I mean it’s ok to drink and be merry but if you get to the point where you are not acting like yourels than that has gone too far. Have you ever tried talking ot her about her drinking? If you do bring it up you don’t have to call her out and say when you drink you act sl***y just call it her behavior you don’t like. Hopefully she doesn’t get offended but come on she’s an adult so has to learn sometime.
Post # 9
I feel like she is contacting me more than usual… asking me whats up and when I’m going to be home, that we need to spend more time together. I’m feeling like she thinks I’m going to ask her. So I really don’t know what to do… I already have a HUGE bridesmaid party of 7…
Post # 10
tulip- that’s actually a really good point about her maybe feeling more responsilbe if she’s a BM.
Bees… you always have the best advice.
Post # 11
Ouch, that is tough. I agree with the others. If you’re worried now, chances are you’ll remain worried throughout the process. It sounds like she’s been trying to recover from her past, maybe if you speak to her she’d be amendable to hearing you out and changing her behavior. That being said, my experiences have been different, but I’ve learned the hard way that you should trust your gut. I had my reservations about asking certain friends to be BM’s but I did so anyway. I hate to say it, but I regret it today. Good luck!
Post # 12
Hmm.. The difference between her being a wedding guest vs. a BM is as a BM you would be depending on her to be on time, get the dress, help plan the bach party and shower, etc. From what you’ve said about her, it sounds like you can actually depend on her to do these things and you wouldn’t be stressed out on your wedding day b/c she missed her hair appmt or something. And as a guest or a BM she’ll be getting wasted and probably hooking up with someone, but as a BM it might slow her down a little b/c she’ll be so busy.
If I were you, I would take a little more time to think about it. If you feel like you’d regret not having her, ask her.