Weddingbee boards

I think we're cancelling our wedding. I'm kind of sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Here's the deal. We're already "secretly" married. We got married in June to take advantage of my Husbands health insurance and for the tax benefits, since I quit my full time job to spend more time with my daughters. Well, and the fact that my 8 year old, who is autistic, was kicked out of daycare, so I had to be home more. And that payoff has been amazing! I'd been doing the single mother thing for so long, I don't think I stopped to breathe for a few years. 

He also spent a huge chunk of money remodel his bachelor pad to accomodate myself and my two daughters. And the house is beautiful! I love my huge kitchen, and the decks, and the upstairs is completely brand spanking new, and I finished the wood trim and six panel doors myself. We are very proud of this home. The only problem? It's not big enough for having any more kids,m and we have to consider the fact the my 8 year old will probably live with us well into adulthood, and she needs space to roam. My girls and I moved here in February.

So, there's this big, huge, beautiful, old house in a really quiet area. We have both loved this house for a long time. My husband knows the man who owns it, and we know that the elctric, plumbing, roof, siding and windows are all pristine (rare for a house this old). Structurally, the house is in great shape. We have talked about this house for more than a year, we even call it our dream family home.

Yeah, the house is For Sale. I work in the Real Estate office that is listing this house, so I happen to know that there isn't a whole lot of interest in this home when newer homes in more desirable neighborhoods are also dirt cheap (the neighborhood is perfect for us, though). My Husband frequently chats with the owner of the house. We know that we could get this house for a steal. We went and looked at it again the other day, and it really is such an amazing home. And with the housing market the way it is now, we realize that this is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. Buying a house like like this at the peak of the market would have cost us so much more. And interest rates are still really good. This is a great investment, hands down.

The catch is, we have to put our current home on the market. Oh yeah, the sign is going up today. We won't be making the profit on this house that we would if we waited a year or so to sell, but that's the nature of the beast. So, the Husband wants to sink every extra penny we have into paying off any unneccesary debt, so we really start off strong and so that we can be flexible with taking a lower offer on our current house. Obvioysly, the sooner we get an offer on this house, the sooner we can buy our dream house at the bargain basement price. And his practicality is amazing to me, bc I am not a practical girl at all.

But my heart is breaking over not having the big wedding. I know that we can still have the small, intimate, casual thing. But, I have been planning this wedding for months now. I realize it sounds like I'm being a big baby, but I really wanted this. My first wedding was so silly and tossed together (my husband's visa was expiring, so I married him to keep him in the country). I sacrificed having my dad and my brothers and sisters there. That marriage obviously didn't work out!! Anyway, once I had my daughter, who has other chronic health problems, besides just her autism and hearing impairment, I have happily been making sacrifices for her and and my other daughter. I do this knowing I will be making thier lives better. I moved from Southern California and gave up an amazing career oppurtunity to live near my parents. Sacrifices are a huge part of being a parent, I know this.

But, I really wanted this one thing for me. I hate myself for being so selfish, but I am royally bummed. I wanted the big shebang. I wanted to be the prettiest girl in the room. I wanted the dress, and the flowers, and to see my babies in little flower girl dresses. Is it sad that I wanted this to be kind of a reward for everything that my husband and I do everyday? Our lives are so chaotic every day, taking care of the girls, and our jobs, and just maintaining.

And here's the kicker. We could do all this, and still not get the house. We could very well sell this house, and then have someone make an offer on the dream house before we get to it. So, then we'd have no wedding and no dream house. This makes me really super nervous.

I wish we could do both, I really do. But, with my medical bills, and just the day to day cost of raising kids (one who literally eats two loaves of bread and a drawerful of fruit in one sitting), plus with me only making about a quarter of what I used to make, it is just not possible to take the chance.

I know we don't have to have to have the big shebang, and that we could do something simple and easy when all this house business is said and done. It totally won't be the same, but it won't be a total bummer I just can't help being sad about the wedding. It's a sacrifice. It will be better for my family in the long run. I can't help being sad. Ugh, maybe I just wasn't meant to have the wedding and wear the dress and have the first dance and all that good stuff. It's very bittersweet.

Would you have made the same decision?

Oh, I am so sorry. You get seriously HUGE hive hugs. For a great house like that, I would have made the same decision- a house lasts much longer than a single day, practically speaking. But I and every other bee on here can commiserate- giving up that one sparkling day when you feel on top of the world with the dress and the flowers and the lovely centerpieces and the beautiful cake and pictures...that's a serious sacrifice. You are SUCH a great mom and wife to do that! I agree with iswimibikeirun, though- you could wait until the house thing settles down and save for a wedding. I know that would definitely put a damper on your plans...but it's still an option. My FI and I have considered putting the wedding off until we can afford something more elaborate, but ultimately, it comes down to what you and your SO want together.

The best of luck to you, my dear!

That is definitely an option. I know I'm being a big baby about it. Besides being married to my ex husband, I was also engaged before my husband and I got together. So, I was planning that wedding, and then decided to not be with the ex, so it was like "I'm getting married....never mind!" So, I guess all this planning and excitement is now just OVER. It's "yay, I'm getting married....never mind, part 2." I'm like the girl who cried wolf, or wedding. Everything was so falling into place for this upcoming wedding...the dress, my brothers and sisters, all parents are in good health, relatives being available and excited, all the people we wanted to stand in the wedding.... So, right now I am totally crushed, and I will get over it. I don't think I want to try to plan another wedding after putting so much effort into this. It just kind of feels fraudulent, y'know?  Like, really, how many times am I gonna try and pull this off? But, yeah, a housewarming/guess what?, we're already married party would be fun.

okay, a message from a mom/teacher

You have an incredible head on your shoulders, and you have sacrificed for sure.   Put offer in on the house with contingency to sell yours in 90 days or the contract is void.  That way you have a "time frame" to work in.   Get your house ready to go and make it sell with the extras that you know will work.

Then when the holidays come all that decoration of your new home will be a wonderful wedding backdrop for close friends and family~ no plans go wasted, just changed.  You can get your daughters beautiful dresses by shopping now at sales.... the children's store/online Strasburg.com has wonderful ones.   Get motivitated and do it.

You have allowed yourself to "grieve" a little and now read one of my favorite inspirational poems.  It will be meaningful to you I'm sure.

Best of luck changing your plans and moving forward.  Can't wait to hear the "change of plans and the excitement ahead" from you!

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Thank You tampamom. I actually have that essay saved on my computer and refer back to it often when I'm having a rough time. My mother gave it to me years ago, and it means a lot!

Sounds like you have a great man, a great family and you are a great person....

Happy Planning the new trip!!!! I know you will enjoy the ride especially the results of it all in the end and that is the BIG IDEA anyway.

Thanks!!! For all the great messages! I really feel like I can't let on how disappointed I am to my awesome, wonderful husband! He has taken on quite the little family with my girls and I! We really don't have time for me to wallow anyway!

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this  But I can totally relate to you.  You are not being selfish and yes it is a huge loss not to have that wedding you wanted.  Believe me I know what you mean by the girl who cried wolf.  We were suppose to get married october 6th 2007, but my fiances family threw in a huge amount of drama and pushed him out of the family and such not to long before the wedding and with that came me being sick and no insurance so we post poned the wedding so that since we couldn't afford it, and then February 08 we had everything booked and a great place and I did almost everything myself and again sick and in the hospital so money gone and wedding canceled:(  Then again we tried for february of this year but last fall got sick yet again and finally they removed my thyroid and we found out it was cancer so you guessed it bye wedding:(  My heart was broken but we both wanted our day to be the day you always remember.  So we planned for this september and just do simple and small, but even that adds up, well with no insurance and cancer our lives have been more than difficult as I am sure you know.  We have lost more than just our wedding now, we lost our house, our car and a lot of other things.  To say it has been hard is an understatement. 

    I know what you mean by feeling spoiled by wanting it, and people always say you can do it later, but I do know what you mean by it isn't the same.  We are getting married just the two of us in september and I don't even have a wedding dress to wear for him and that makes me sad.  My fiance feels terrible for not being able to make it all happen, and I tell him that is ok it is life and atleast we will get to be husband and wife, but then he says to me yesterday and it made me cry: "After all you have been through in your life you atleast deserve that one day to go right"  But in all I have to try to look at in a better way that I am lucky to have this man, that I know will be there even when it gets hard and after all the parties and vows, that will love me and cherish me in sickness and in health and for richer or poorer:)  Sounds like your man is the same way and I say treasure that for sure:)

Sending you big hugs.

What a difficult decision, but you absolutely made the right choice.  I know one couple who chose the big wedding over buying a house, and they are still living in a rented apartment 6 years later.

You said you have no guarantee that the deal will go through with the new house.  There's no guarantee with weddings, either!  One friend of mine had a gorgeous wedding, but was so stressed out about it that she cried on her wedding day and fought bitterly with her husband.  Another friend had a gorgeous wedding, but two years later they've just gotten divorced!  There is no guarantee that memories from a "perfect" wedding will be happy ones. 

So I'd say the house is a much better bet.  Good luck and keep us posted!

I like vintage2010 idea:)  That would be great for y'all:)

Maybe this is the bad luck from letting him see my dress....

Totally all possibilities. Great suggestions!

 Just a hard pill to swallow right now!!! Planning something and looking forward to something so specific, and then having to call and cancel the venue, the DJ, the photographer...cutting the guest list way down...it sucks.

*hugs* everything will work out. You are an amazingly strong woman to be raising 2 children on your own for so long.  At least you are putting your kids first in all this by wanting a larger home for them.  I worked a summer camp for mentally and phycally disadvantaged children.  It was an amazing experience, and even though we sent all the kids home at 3 every day, it made me realize what you parents must go through every day.  I am truly sory she got kicked out of day care, some people just dont have the patients that it takes to work with children who have needs beyond that of other children.

That being said.  Does your area have a commuity program that specilizes in that kind of care?  Ours here has camps, dinner club, field trips, and a weekend home all for the kids to participate it.  As well as one on one advocates that care for the consumers(children or adult) when needed.  Some consumers need someone 24 hrs a day, and there is someone with them the whole time.  I am sure you have looked into it, but maybe look again, if you are wanting to work more or just take some mom time, you can get an advocate a couple days a week or something.

@kdlowery... Thank You! In the daycare's defense, she was pretty aggressive with the other kids. And being unusually strong, she was able to take down the older boys in the program. Pretty much kicked their butts. They were great to her as much as they could be. My little one still goes there. She's not eligible for the special needs camp here bc of her aggressive behavior, and the YMCA has banned her. There is a local program that works with special needs kids, but we haven't found a program that fits for us yet! We're just floating on, though! Who knows what's around the corner??!

So, after pouting and crying for a few days, I'm going to be done with feeling sorry for myself. I went back and revisited all the reasons why this dream house is totally worth going after at all costs! Um, can you say Master Suite with a dressing room? Not just a walk-in closet but a dressing room! Gardens. Two family rooms, plus a living room, office, and a formal dining room. Plus, a "man cave" in the basement with the plumbing for a wet bar already installed. Two sunrooms. And four bedrooms. The possibilities are endless. Okay! I am feeling way better! Thank you all for all the support and the big hugs. I was just a little jarred there for a few days! It's hard to put things into perspective after planning for months for the one special day. Planning for my kids lives makes my heart feel super happy!

I'm still going to buy my dress, and we'll just take it from there!! Y'know... just in case we win the lottery or something!

Again, THANK YOU!!!!!

Thank you for asking!! Things are moving along pretty nicely actually! We got an offer on our house this week, and we're just waiting for the other party to submit proof of financing, etc, etc. They're actually people we know, so it's great that all the work we put in to our first home will be appreciated. We were actually at their wedding about a year ago!!

The big dream house is still available! And this is happening just in the nick of time, bc the man who owns it was ready to lease it out to the new elementary school superintendent. We've actually looked at a bunch more houses just to make sure that house is the one. There were two that were maybe contenders, but one was a foreclosure and already had multiple offers on it, but would have been a great deal for us, and the other we just decided wasn't right for us, but my brother in law is thinking about buying it!

It's bittersweet, bc I will miss the house we're selling, and we weren't even here a year, but I can't wait to decorate the big old Victorian dream house for Christmas!

As for the wedding.. Our mothers are definitely not letting us off the hook without having a celebration. I think that we'll do something in June 2010 for our first year anniversary. They still intend to contribute the same time and resources to the event! And I'll still get my wedding album to pull out for the grandkids!

So, yes, everything is thisclose to working out! We're at a critical time right now, where offers are flying around, and everyone is getting $$ stuff in order, so the waiting for things to fall into place is a little excruciating, but the outlook is great!

Pretty soon, I should be back posting about planning my vow renewal annivrsary house party in my big Victorian dream house! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!!

Also!!!

@bunny... Thank you! My husband and I did have several long talks, and while he knows he can't really "get it", he knows where I'm coming from. He really let me work it out and be morose and bitchy and he just rolled wth the punches. I know he wants to give me the world and that's enough for me. Neither of us want to be house poor or go into debt for a wedding, I think just the speed of things happening really overwhelmed both of us!! But we are for sure on the same page now and we're BOTH really excited about where things are going!

And he upgraded my wedding band, so that's cool! And, we get to start trying for a baby right after our first anniversary party!