Post # 1
I was on a hike with a single guy friend and my (divorced but in her first relationship since) girlfriend. We started talking about her and her new boyfriend and some of their problems. My male single friend tells me after i put in some two cents that everything i say is like null and void cuz im married……pretty much that i dont have a say cuz im married and they are single…
Whats up with that? any one else get this from a friend. I have dated before….its not like i was a V and married my first boyfriend. i have experianced things in previous relationships and my current one. plus wouldnt a married person beable to help a little bit since we have been working on our relationship and are still together. idk what do you bees think?
Post # 3
That’s….ridiculous. If you’ve successfully gotten to the marriage stage obviously you went pretty good at the dating stage, so your advice is definitely applicable.
Sounds like he’s sensitive about his relationship status…
Post # 4
@souza_2005: I think I can understand where they are coming from as weird as it sounds. Married people have a bad rap as being “smug marrieds,” (Thank you, Bridget Jones!) hence singles may be sensitive to taking their advice. It could be a pride thing. Heck – a couple weeks ago I posted a thread on here where I asked advice as to how I should help my single friend improve her dating life. I had to close the thread b/c it got really hostile, and I was labeled “smug” even though that wasn’t my intention at all! I think people tend to just be sensitive at certain points in their lives. As for giving advice, I’ve had to learn to shut up and just let my single friends figure it out on their own.
Post # 6
I started to think about it and its def not just me. Ive seen it on how i met your mother with barney, lilly, and marshell too. But maybe it is a pride thing. im surprized your thread cuz crazy. My guy friend is def the kind to think that. hes actually DHs friend first and is older than us and has been single for a long time. Its funny that i cant give him (or i guess single friends according to him) advice but i can hook him up with my friends lol wth
Post # 8
I generally dislike people saying things like “your opinion/thoughts/advice doesn’t count because you aren’t married/single/have kids/don’t have kids.” I think people are capable of thinking outside of their own situation and giving empathetic and thoughtful advice to others, even if that other person is walking a different path than they are.
So yeah, I think your male friend was being kind of a wad. Even if he doesn’t want to take your advice, telling someone that what they say doesn’t count is just plain rude.
Post # 9
I think it’s an easy out to dismiss advice in general.
Though I find that sometimes people who dismiss advice don’t really want it in the first place… they want someone to just listen & acknowledge their concerns. :/
But I agree with you… I don’t think it’s funny when people dismiss my thoughts on a subject just because of my relationship status (or worse: gender! occupation! expertise or lack thereof on a subject!)
Post # 10
Being married or even having a good marriage doesn’t mean your advice would automatically be more helpful, but, yeah, I think his reaction was odd.
Of course, sometimes married people can be irritating because they think they know best or they have this condescending way of speaking or acting when the topic of dating comes up. Maybe he thought you had a condescending tone. Or, and this is more likely, he wants people in the same situation to speak about this with. He doesn’t want someone who has experience with it, but isn’t actually in the trenches, so to speak, telling him what to do or how to feel.
Post # 11
Duh – how do they think you GOT married? By being in a successful relationship! They should be more receptive to your opinion. I’m not saying they should be licking your boots, but it’s not like you don’t understand about relationships. :s
I hate the “you don’t _______ so you don’t know.” My favourite is “You don’t have kids, so you don’t know.” No, I don’t have kids – but I spent many years working as an Early Childhood Educator, so even if I don’t know *your* kid, I probably have more experience in general than you do. *facepalm*
Truthfully, not everyone is good at giving advice, and not everyone is good at receiving it. People are weird like that, on both sides.
Post # 12
I’ve heard things like that from friends before. Seems like if you’re close friends, your relationship status shouldn’t void your opinion!
Post # 13
In general, I agree that not being something shouldn’t preclude people from being a good friend and listening empathetically. However, I will say that when I was single my friends who had been married for awhile didn’t give the most…. relevant advice. It wasn’t that they were smug, but that they didn’t seem to understand feeling anxiety about whether he will call you back, or whether he likes you enough, etc. Those things seemed “little” to them whereas when you are in the dating phase or an early relationship phase certain things seem important and you want to discuss them, just like when you are waiting to get engaged that seems really important and you want to spend a lot of time discussing it. He may have gotten his concerns dismissed by one too many married friends.
Post # 14
people don’t like to hear that ‘they could be doing better’ so they throw away your argument on the grounds of ‘you don’t know what it’s like’ to justify their own mistakes. denial.
Post # 15
I definitely do not think is specific to just married folk: like others have mentioned, the same thing happens with kids, etc.
I think sometimes people dont like the advice/input we give them, so they look for a way to avoid hearing it. They assess the situation and sonetimes find a way to make your advice seem less valid. Hence comments like “you’re married, you don’t get it” or “unless you have a child, don’t give me advice on mine”, etc. I think it’s a defense mechanism.
It has happened to me, though. I have a married friend who LOVES to vent to me…until I try to give her input, then she’ll whip out “well, it’s not that easy. if you were married, you’d understand; it’s not the same as dating.”
I try not to be a sounding board for people like that.