Post # 1
For many reasons. They have an awful marriage and he is a rotten guy. He has been extremely effective in cutting off most of her ties to my family, has sabotaged every friendship she has ever made, and manipulated her life into one of misery. He used to tell me horrendous things about my sister to try to pit us against each other when they had spats until I told him to stop calling me. She’s not blameless, but she’s my sister. She has tried to leave him many times, but he used custody and leverage of their child against her, making it seem next to impossible to leave. She jokes that the day her son turns 18 is the day she serves him divorce papers. The whole situation is completely f-ed up.
So, I don’t want him to have any part of my life and am addressing the invite to just her (My wedding is super-small, FYI- 40 people). I know this is usually a huge faux pas, but he is such a walking disruption of dysfunction, that I’m throwing etiquette to the wind on this one. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he intercepted the invite and threw it away once he sees he isn’t invited, so I should probably talk with her beforehand. I’m sure it’s not a surprise, but I know she’ll be insulted. Oh well. Our relationship is crappy anyway. Because of him.
Has anyone ever dealt with the fallout from not inviting someone’s spouse?
Post # 2
I don’t think it’s going to be that simple. He’s going to know you aren’t inviting him and it could make him take it out on her. That would make me nervous.
Post # 3
MrsPierce2014: This exactly. The only person this is going to really hurt is your sister. I for one could never ever put my sister in a situation like this and I have lived through supporting a sister until she leaves a douchebag ex.
Post # 4
I don’t think this will end well either way. Either you invite him and he whines about something…but that won’t be your issues unless he is making a scene. Or you don’t invite him, and that causes more tension in their personal lives… either way it will be a mess. Just my opinion. Good luck OP.
Post # 5
MrsPierce2014: Yeah, that crossed my mind but allowing him to hold my choices hostage is feeding into him. She’s miserable either way. In the scheme of things an invite won’t change his behavior. I spoke to the school psychologist about this one (I’m a teacher and sometimes go running to the school shrink for advise on dysfunctional family mess- she has a private practive outside of work). I won’t even allow this man in my house.
Post # 6
Don’t do it! The dude sounds like a giant jerk wad and I bet your sister wouldn’t be able to make it. I get that you want to throw ettiquette to the wind, but seriously, you can’t invite someone and not their spouse. If it means a lot to have your sister there, you have to have your terrible bro in law, too. If he really is so crappy to her, I would worry about the fall out she might have to deal with. For your sisters sake, you’re better off inviting them both.
Post # 7
coffeedrinker: As much as it sucks, at the end of the day, the only person who is going to be hurt by this is your sister. You are putting her in a horrible situation.
If you really want your sister there, I would put the issues you have with your BIL aside. Because just reading this makes me think that he is definitely going to tell her to not go and try to brainwash her and tell her how you are so horrible for not inviting him, yada, yada, yada.
im sorry you have a horrible BIL, but personally, I vouldint imagine not having my sister at my wedding. And if I had to invite her horrible husband, I would
Post # 8
coffeedrinker: he’s not holding your choices hostage. If you invite him, you’re choosing to make things as good as possible for your sister. Either way, it’s a choice.
Post # 9
I’m sorry, I get where people are coming from saying “don’t” but that’s not really up for discussion here. Thanks though. Additionally, I already have a very crappy relationship with my sister and wouldn’t be surprised if she declined, with or without him. I haven’t even spoken to her for over six months because of an argument over something so absurd it hurts my brain to think about.
What I’m wondering is has anyone else made a similar choice and what were the consequences?
Post # 10
If you don’t care about your sister in her relationship, and say you don’t care about your relationship with her, I am not sure what advice people should be giving you. You’ve already made up your mind, you know the potential side effects already, so what do you want? People can’t tell you the consequences, you already know them. I doubt you will get any support on this issue.
Post # 11
coffeedrinker: I hope this turns out how you hope it turns out.
Post # 12
Hyperventilate: I’m not looking for advice. I’m looking for parallel anecdotes that serve as reassurance on my choice, an alternate perspective that perhaps I’m not seeing, and/or really just a perspective from someone that can relate. I’m curious about people that have made the same choice and have perhaps a story or a lesson they can share in hindsight.
Post # 13
If you don’t like your sister’s husband and hardly have a relationship with her, what does it matter if her husband is invited or not? You said yourself you haven’t talked to her for 6 months, so clearly your relationship isn’t very close or strong otherwise you would be inviting her and having no issues on inviting him, douchebag or not.
Post # 14
Honestly, I would worry that your BIL might think this is something that you and your sister came up with and may accuse her of something such as not inviting him so she could go with another man or of her speaking ill of him to you and turning you against him and it could bring on a violent incident. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.I would just invite him and, if he came, I’d just avoid him. There may not have been any violence before, but all it might take would be an incident like this to set one off.
Post # 15
I’m sorry, but no one should accept inviting violent individuals to their weddings. If your sister doesn’t come because he wasn’t invited, that’s her choice. But you don’t need to tolerate a violent individual just because your sister married him. Just explain to important people like your family and fiance this beforehand and make sure he’s off the list for the party.
I would NEVER accept being hostage of someone’s elses violence. Your sister could leave him, she doesn’t for reasons most victims of abuse don’t. But it doesn’t mean you should approve or act as if nothing happened “for her own sake”. The fact that you know and that most people know is what is providing her with safety net. If he harms her just call the police and report domestic abuse in their households. The police will appear and they child services might too, and, well, that’s for their good, too.
My fiance has an uncle that I absolutely loathe. He’s racist and sexist and pretty much abusive. He doesn’t beat his wife, but he abuses his daughters emotionally. I know I don’t want him there. And I know that if he’s ivited, his daughter won’t appear, and I want to invite her and her boyfriend (he’s black). I would love to invite my fiance’s aunt but still am unsure how to solve it. But I know that I don’t want certain individuals on my wedding.
There’s a different in someone being a douchebag or mean person, and there’s a difference in someone being abusive/racist/sexist/violent/aggresive/with drinking problem/etc.