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My younger sister might be pregnant, and I can't help but to be jealous. I feel horrible for feeling so jealous, but FH wants to wait to have kids for 4 more years!! it's such a long time!! I think it's SO embarassing that she's younger than me and can have a kid before me, and then everyone is gonna be bugging me asking when we're gonna have kids, and it's gonna make me feel worse.
she has a doctors appointment friday and I have to wait that long to find out, and I'm driving myself nuts. I'm so depressed thinking she might have a kid before me. It's like the one thing I've feared my whole life, because I honestly saw her having a kid before me, and now that it could actually happen, I'm so upset.
is this normal or should I just stop being jealous?
This is obviously very important to you. I have a younger sister but can't ever see her having a baby before me.
Have you talked to your FH about your feelings? Is there a reason that he wants to wait 4 years?
I think your response is sort of normal but I do think that it's something you'll have to get over. If your sister is pregnant she might reply on her big sister for support. Who knows, maybe the idea of a baby with get to your FH and he might change is tune.
He wants to wait that long becuase he feels he will be more ready then, financially. We both have goals we want before we have kids, We both want to lose weight, we want to be married, and own a home. He also wants to be making 30k a year before he turns 30. Right now I know we're not ready, financially, so I know we have to wait, but I honestly wasn't expecting this to come up out of nowhere from my sister. She's always been a "problem" child and now it seems like everything is falling into place for her right now, while we're struggling to pay bills and I'm struggling to find a job. I've always been "overshown" by her my whole life, and now it's going to happen again. My family has a tendency to do it my whole life, I only had 2 family members show up and congratulate me for my college graduation because I was overshown by her.
You have to keep in mind what is right for you and your SO. From all that you listed above it sounds like having a baby right now would put serious strain on the two of you. Try to be happy and think about the positive things here.
By the time you are ready to have kids your sister will have left over baby toys, clothes, cribs, strollers, etc that she can probably give you!
You can enjoy playing and babysitting the baby but you won't have to be the one with the full time up in the middle of the night work!
You guys have to do what is right for you guys. I think all your goals sound very reasonable to want to accomplish before having a baby.
Also, if you did have a baby now or very soon it would take the attention off of your child. If you stick to your plan and have a child in 4 years or so then your family will be ready to spoil another grandchild.
I didn't realize there was a history of her stealing your thunder.....
Let yourself feel hurt/jealous but don't dwell on it....I'm really bad a holding grudges and it gets me nowhere....
I'm not going to lie, but I get jealous when my future sister-in-law talks about getting pregnant, she already has two children under 4. I feel like they aren't in a good place to have more children (her husband is getting ready to be deployed for 18 months) but I really can't decide that for them and I'm not ready yet either. My fiance and I put off our wedding by 17 months so that we can be in a better place financially and when we get married, we don't have to worry about abstaining (we're catholic) so we'll let nature take it's course. I have baby fever but I'm only 22 so I have some time (hopefully). Something that I can appreciate is the amount of mistakes or differences in parenting we'll have, so I'm watching her parent and I'm making my own personal mental notes on what I'll do when I am ready to have children. Until then, I'm reading mommy blogs :)
No matter what she's done in the past (and I can totally see why this is a huge deal to you), you have to do what's right for you and your FH. It wouldn't do you any good (or be good for a child) to be brought into your home when you're not prepared or ready. Not to mention the added stress a child can bring.
There are always financial issues in every marriage but if you and your FH have talked about it and agreed that you need to be in a more secure spot before having kids, lean on him for support.
Focus on your wedding and other positives in your life. You can't control other people but you can control your life and what you do with it. Hang in there!
This totally happened to me 5 months ago! My 19 year old sister went away to college and came back K.U. ... I'm the oldest so I totally understand your jealousy. I wish I could offer advice, but I still can't get over it either due to her really bad attitude about the whole thing.
I know how you feel!
DH and I (married since 9/09) had been trying for 5 months when my sister (two years younger than me, and married only a month at the time) found out she was pregnant. She got pregnant on the first try, literally.
Now, here we are...I am going thru painful fertility treatments and disappointments month after month...and she is due at the end of Febuary! It KILLS me. And my parents were sooo excited for DH and I to start trying...now ALL the attention is on her. And they try to keep stuff from me so I won't get jealous, which makes it worse!
Sending hugs! I am right there with you!
My younger and older sister have kids and I have none. It drives me more crazy when friends are having babies. Probably because I'm 35 and getting older every year. Four years is a long time to wait but sometimes mother nature has her way.
I completely understand how you feel. My younger sister has 2 kids, and yeah it bothered me in a way at first. But, honestly, I'm glad that now we are having a baby when the time is right for us and not because we are trying to keep up with anyone else. Plus, do I envy the fact that she lives with her in-laws and HATES it, heck no! I'm glad we have all our ducks in a row and actually have good jobs, college educations, and own our own house...all things she doesn't have. Now, she wishes she planned better to have a home first, so the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
It is totally normal to feel jealous. I feel jealous now and then of my friends who have babies. BUT...Have you spent a good chunk of time with someone who has a baby and really watched them? It's a lot of work. A LOT of work. And I know that everyone *says* that, but really: it's a lot of work. Some quality time with mom doing her thing can be sobering.
Babies are cute, but let's be honest, here. All they do is distribute fluids. That's ALL they do. And they will distribute them--spit up, pee, poop, barf, snot, drool--you name it, all over you, your clothes, your carpets, your floors, your cars, your pets, your furniture...In the time NOT spent bouncing them up and down ad nauseum until your arms fall off, listening to the musak playing out of their baby gear over and over and over, playing peek-a-boo, nursing them with sore nipples, and watching them knaw on things or stare at shadows--ie, when they are asleep--you are pumping milk out of the same sore nipples and cleaning up said fluids. If you have any time left over, maybe you get to shower and maybe you get to sleep. You have no idea what's going on in the world, the last movie you will have seen will be streaming free on Netflix, you will never get past page 16 in that book, and you will have little recollection of what it's like to eat in a restaurant. You would like to leave the house, but the thought of packing up baby and all his/her accoutrements is tantamount to Martha Stewart moving out of Turkey Hill.
Even so, totally, totally understandable to be jealous. But before you get TOO jealous, remind yourself how AWESOME it is to be cool Auntie--you get to coo and bounce them and feed them on YOUR terms. The second that you get tired, busy, frustrated or just bored, you can hand them off. Being Auntie is one awesome gig--get psyched for that!
I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to want something so badly but then know that you have to wait. I have to say though, it sounds like you FI is a very practical man. It seems he has some great goals for himself, and you do too. As much as you want a baby right now, it sounds like you have some other goals that are important to your future that might need to come first. Good luck with it all, and trust me- being an auntie is fantastic! :)
i want a baby too and i would probably be jealous if one of my friends is pregnant before me. but i'm waiting by choice. i'm 34, DH is 28. i know he's not mentally ready to have a kid even though i am. also, both of us are not financially ready to have a baby yet. so i'd rather wait until after he's older and we are better off financially to have a baby. right now, we have communicated for me to start trying to get pregnant 2 years later.
@JennyW1 - I have taken care of a kid before, I think it's just the fact that it just doesn't seem right in my head. In my head, it's always been the older one to get married and to have a kid first. I have never been an aunt before and FH told me he thought I'd be more excited to be an aunt, but I think I'm allowed to be jealous for a little bit, then play the supportive older sister, because I know my parents are gonna kick her @ss out.
@Miss Root - Yeah, he really is. We already both have college degrees (and I can't find a job) so I guess I'm just hitting the phase of "Sh!t, after this wedding is over I'm gonna have NOTHING to do." because we already have college degrees, and we're waiting to have kids. I pitched going back to school to him because I'm feeling so hopeless about my degree, and he said he'd be up for it, but under the current circumstances, we need money right now. (Current circumstances meaning paying the bills, having spending money, having emergency money and not relying on family and borrowing money and paying them back later)
It is tough, and I think it's normal to feel that way. Personally I'm younger than my sister, and DH and I are older than his brother and FI, but they've been dating for years, while DH and I got engaged after 6 months (though we knew each other for 5 years first) and got married before they did.
I have tried to be very aware of their feelings (My sister and FSIL). Unknowingly, DH proposed right before his brother was about to propose, so he ended up waiting a bit. And right after DH and I were married, while my sister is planning her wedding, we got pregnant, so I'll have a 7 week old at her wedding. I don't want to steal anyone's thunder, but DH and I are still doing what's right for us and our family. I'm really cautious not to get too focused on myself though, and to be as helpful as possible to my sister and SIL as they plan their weddings.
Just try to be happy for her and know that you're time will come. You don't want to rush into things and then wish you had waited. Plus, babies are always exciting. I'm not having te first grandchild on my side, but everyone is still excited about it.
It's totally understandable to be jealous, but just because she's younger doesn't mean it isn't 'right' that she should wait to have kids until you do. I don't know how old you both are or if her pregnancy was planned or not, but birth order doesn't really apply anymore in today's society!
My SIL {who is younger than DH and I} has a kid and we're only just expecting #1, and yeah it bumed me out a bit that she had the first grandchild, but frankly I would never change my situation with hers. We were waiting for virtually all the same reasons you are, and you know what? Our little family will be a million times better off because of it in so many ways.
Having a child because someone else has one is never a good idea, be grumpy for a bit, but hopefully you'll get back on track with your plans and realise that being an aunt {and being able to hand the kid back when their crabby!} is a great gig until you start your own family!
@XxMyXxDecemberXx: Sure, you're allowed to be jealous and I can understand the feeling that you should be first because you're older. I'm not sure I understand having *fear* related to her having a baby before you--what are you "afraid" of?
@JennyW1 - I think it's because she's always overshown me in everything my whole life, and I'm afraid that when I go to have kids, noone will care, because they already have one grandkid. My family is already treating our wedding like it's nothing, and asked us if "we were still doing this thing" like we weren't planning on getting married.
@XxMyXxDecemberXx: You and I must have twin families. I feel the exact same way. My mom didn't even SMILE when I told her I was engaged...
A wedding is very different from kids. Not saying your family actually feels the way you do, but unfortunately, there IS something sort of "been there done that" about weddings--especially if you are paying for them! I mean, *I* sometimes feel that way about my friends' weddings, even though I always have a great time in the end.
BUT I have NEVER felt that way about my friends' kids and I'm sure your parents will not feel that way about YOUR kids OR your sister's kids, no matter if it's grandkid #1 or #20. And I promise you that when you actually have your kids, you will be so enraptured with them, all the rest of it will be gravy.
totally normal to feel that way! but, don't make your own move until you are good and ready. from what you've said, she is at the beginning of what will be a very bumpy ride -- stick around and you may not be so jealous after awhile (e.g. she lives with your parents still?) I thought I was 100% ready to get pregnant but even still I have had moments where I am not sure I was!! it's not all fun and baby-clothes shopping :)
How you are feeling is totally normal and understandable... but hopefully those feelings will pass. Just remember that things happen for a reason. Although you might think that things are PERFECT for her right now, it's all about perception. It sounds like you and your hubs-to-be are going to wait until you are more financially secure, which is VERY SMART. So when you do have a baby, you won't have to worry about finances or your home, and you can ENJOY your baby. You mentioned that your parents might kick her out soon-- could you imagine being pregnant or having a baby, but not having enough money for a house? It doesn't sound that great to me... so although it seems great from the outside, just remember that you guys are going to do what is right for you guys. And hopefully, that will be the best for you and your family-to-be.
Also, you mentioned your FH doesn't want to have kids for 4 years. He says that now, but also might change his mind in a year or two. So right now it probably seems SOOOOO far away and unobtainable. But take it one day at a time, and it might happen before you think!!!
I really don't think one of your fears- that your child will get the short end of the stick because there is already a baby in the family- will come true. In fact, the opposite might be true...as the family is a little sad and nostalgic that the first baby is growing up, they will be very excited that there is a new baby coming.
I also don't know that I find your way of thinking to be very healthy-- it's like you're looking at having kids as being in a race that you should win since you got a head start (ie, you were born first). To be honest, the tone of your post sounds like you and your sister have always been a little competitive, and you feel that she has "won" if indeed she is pregnant. I mean, your post doesn't really mention that you even like or want kids...would you want to have one if your sister wasn't already possibly pregnant? Like JennyW1 said, it's a whole lot of work, and not something you should do just to beat your sister.
@Tatum - I do want kids and I've been just keeping it to myself that I'm upset over FH wanting to wait 4 years. I know we're not ready financially, but 4 years seems like SO far away, and I don't want to force him into having kids sooner than he wants. I know for a fact that I'm going to have to wait the long 4 years, and she's already (possibly) going to have a kid before me.I always imagined her having a kid first, and now that it's possibly coming true, it was really upsetting. I'm pretty much over it now, and I don't want to have a kid "Just to beat her". That wouldn't be right to do (morally) for the kid, I want to have a kid when we are both ready, financially. Right now, I have pregnant friends, and a lot of them are getting to the phase where they are trying to have kids, and now my own sister might be pregnant. I just feel like I'm left out, I guess.
Well, It's official. She's pregnant. Can we insert a big huge "FML" here?
I hope you don't think I'm insensitive, but I don't understand the sentiment that the older sibbling should get married or have kids first (just to be honest.) I have older sibblings but I was the first to get married. But I also didn't do certain "single" things that they chose to do. In your case, I think your sister in particular is going to have to give up a lot and maybe inside she's jealous of YOU. And you sound like you are reasonable and responsible, a bunch of great things. But what I do understand is wanting something and feeling sad about waiting. I know that on some level wanting a baby can be the hardest thing ever for women to go through and I get that you are feeling jealous and I totally admire that you admit it. I DO think for that you get to feel however you please!! Just try not to let it take over you.
You may learn a lot from sharing this experience with your sister and being there for her! The patience and love and understanding you show her are qualities in my opinion of a good person and a good mom. The experience you may get when you help her take care of her baby can help you gain experience and know what you're getting into. The attention on her is just for maybe a year. After that you will get married and things will be cleared up for your turn. Is there a reason you have to wait four years? I think there's a fair chance he will change his mind. If you keep focusing on what you and him need to do you might be ready sooner. And after that year of attention from your family...you will have a happy family from the beginning that can last a lifetime because you took the time to sacrifice now.
It's completly understandable to be a little upset and jealous. I'm anywhere near in the same situation but I've been getting upset and jealous lately of my peers. I'm from an area where going to college still isn't something a lot of people do as most go into the family business and if they do go to college its usually a certificate or 2-year degree in nursing. So most of the people I went to school with are already working, engaged/married, buying homes and/or having kids. On the other hand I decided to follow my passion which is in a field which requires at least a master's degree if not a doctoral degree (so 6-8 years of school). So while they are all starting families I'm working part-time & going to graduate school. On top of that my dad (who is older) has been having health issues, so my fiancé and myself moved in with him to help take care of him. We are getting married in May though so that is one mile stone I have to look forward to for now. My mom likes to remind me about all that others are doing though and it makes it hard at times. I know that once we're both done school we'll end up financially stable and then have all those things, it's just so hard when it seems like such a long time. So I can't imagine how hard it would be if one of my younger siblings was passing me by as well.
Just remember they are your emotions and you can feel however you do, there are no laws governing how you can feel (as long as you don't act on any negative feelings that might hurt someone).
I think it may be natural to want something like that (it's a huge deal!). I think look at the bright side - there is something very special about living with your husband, just the two of you. Having children changes your priority and it's kinda nice to have it just you two for a while.
I think it's perfectly normal to feel this way sometimes. Your time will come. When it's right for you, it will happen.
Hugs.
@XxMyXxDecemberXx: I kinda know where you're at...hubs is the older sib, but BIL & SIL got married 5 years before us (we'd been dating for 2 years longer) & their daughter (1st grandkid for ILs) is about to be 2 years old. But here's the positive...we didn't have to deal with overbearing parents for the wedding b/c they'd had their "show off the kids' wedding" moment with B&SIL's wedding 5 years ago. Our wedding this summer was totally OUR WAY (with no need for financial assistance from them) & we LOVED it; so did they. Similarly, I think ILs were a little apprehensive about the 1st grandkid during the pregnancy, then became head over heels in LOVE with her (can't blame them, my niece is SUPER CUTE!), and now are kind of over the overbearing "you should be bringing up your kids THIS way" stage. So, while we aren't getting ALL the attention with our pregnancy (due in March), we aren't getting unsolicited advice from their side, which is a BIG relief to me.
On my side, as the only child, I've gotten used to the overbearing, overprotective, well-meaning parents that I have & love...but it's nice that it's only coming from one side & therefore managable. To be honest, my mom wasn't all that excited about the pregnancy (mostly because she's a mom first & worried about any difficulties I'll have since SHE had them - never mind that she was a smoker & not nearly as in shape as I am even 10 years older than she was when preggers with me)...so even if you were the first, there are drawbacks.
On a side note: why are YOU making her appointments? You shouldn't torture yourself anymore than necessary...she (or baby's daddy) should be the one making the appointments & doing the responsible stuff...otherwise, what kind of parent will she make. Don't enable her to make you feel worse or shrug off the less fun part of pregnancy on you. You can't change your situation, but you sure can let her deal with her part of it.
Good luck!
@ms.pascua - I told her I'd make her first appointment because she's never been to a gyno before, but after that it was her responsibility. I found one that works with the hospital near us and takes her insurance
She told my parents, and they are pissed (as expected) and now they are taking her to the doctor instead of me. I feel a little more hurt than usual right now.
@XxMyXxDecemberXx: I just learned a valuable lesson the other day...It is better NOT to have the first baby!!!
I went to register with my sister (who, as I mentioned above, is pregnant) and WOW. It was not easy. And this baby has 2 grandmas and 3 grandpas....and they can not work out who is getting what, who will be "called" what (grandma, nana, etc)...and the list goes on...
I am sooo glad I can learn from her mistakes! My wedding was first, and there were so many things I would have done differently...and when I helped plan my sister's wedding, I think many things came out much better.
And one more thing...we are planning her shower, and the decorations are expensive...BUT...If I have a baby boy also, then they can reuse the decorations and therefore spend more money on me and the baby!! :)
Wow, your sister has never been to the gyno and she's pregnant? Not to get into a Public Service Announcement, but any woman over the age of 18 or who is sexually active should see a gynecologist annually. It is very important for a woman's health.
i totally feel you... my sisterinlaw has 3 kids and just had a newborn right before the wedding.. although i love those kids to death. I am jealous, her or her husband dont have jobs and live with his mom. And this is our second month trying and it is taking a toll on me :( I get so sad to think it might be a long process..
There are two separate issues here. The first (which you can't do anything about) is your sister getting pregnant before you. Your disappointment is understandable, and you are correctly handling it by only venting here while being supportive to your sister.
The second issue is your four year timeline. If you really want to have children sooner, then you need to work on a plan to appease your husband's objections. Can you cut items out of your budget or find a better paying job or work more hours to increase your savings? I'd also suggest scouring Craigslist, end-of-season sales, garage sales and school rummage sales for used clothing, books, swings and bouncers. The book Baby Bargains can help you find which items are safe to purchase used (not cribs or carseats) and which items are affordable and safe.
Finally, it is perfectly understandable for your husband to believe that now is not a good time to have a baby due to financial reasons, but it is not unreasonable for you to revisit the situation once each year in the next four years. You might find that in a year or two that hopefully your financial position will be more stable, and that your husband may be more ready for parenthood. Four years is an awfully long time, and it really wouldn't be surprising if your managed to plan to have children sooner.
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