Post # 1
My SO and I were originally planning on having the wedding in Michigan several reasons. Most of his family is there, and he’ll be having more family attend the wedding than I will. His family is just bigger. And venues seem to be a lot cheaper in Michigan than in the NYC/Northern Jersey area.
But then I realized how much of a pain in the butt it would be to plan if I’m not around. My parents also offered for us to use their country house in the Berkshires, Massachussettes for the wedding. A very tempting offer. They have a large, beautiful back yard, a spacious deck, and a very open and lovely living room (in case the wedding is terrible and the whole thing has to be inside). We could easily work with the country house because we weren’t planning on having more than 50-70 guests anyway.
My husband didn’t like that idea. He mentioned that his family probably won’t come if the wedding is on the east coast (WTF?) and that either I or my parents should pay for his mother’s, his sister’s, and his brother’s transportation since they probably can’t afford it. (Again, WTF?) They have jobs. I’m sure they can afford bus tickets if they really don’t want to shell out the cash for flights. Maybe not each and every one of his extended family members will want to make the trip, but I’m sure the people who matter most will make an effort to be there. It’s not like anyone on his side of the family is in poor health and unable to travel, it’s just a matter of my SO assuming that they either can’t or won’t pay for travel and lodging. My father even offered to put them in the house if they can’t stay anywhere else. We have air mattresses and convertible couches. My father offered to me to even pay for his mom’s flight, but I told him he shouldn’t have to pay for anyone’s transportation. Am I being a bridezilla about this?
Post # 3
I don’t think you are being a bridezilla at all! Just think of the money you will save since you have a FREE venue with nice outside space! I think it’s a nice gesture of your father to allow them to stay at the house free of charge, that way they only have to pay for travel expenses. If your wedding is important to them they will be there!
Also your Fiance is being a jerk saying you or your parents need to pay for flights for HIS family! If they can’t afford to pay then your Fiance should foot the bill!
Post # 4
He seems to think that because my family is wealthier than his, they should foot the bill for his family’s travel… If his mother or one of his siblings was unemployed or in dire financial straits, I would try to work with them to figure something out. But they’re not.
Post # 5
No you are not. Take it from someone that’s planning a distance wedding – it’s a hardship! You’re not there to check things, you have to trust other peoples judgement, you’re left doing things last minute… it very stressful. If your parents are ok with having the party at their country home, I think that sounds like a lovely idea.
Your SO can argue about it, but when it comes down to it – who will do the work? If it’s mostly going to be you, then I think he should back down. The argument about you (?!) or your family paying for his families travel arrangements is just stupid, should his parents or him pay for your family if you get married in Michigan?
Post # 6
@CorvusCorax: You’re not being a bridezilla. I’m totally on your side!
Post # 7
I’m on your side because no matter what, people are going to have to travel. If it’s in MI, then your family will have to travel and vice versa.
Plus, it’s customary (at least in my circle) to have the wedding in the bride’s hometown. We definitely ran into issues (and resentment) from my Fiance over this but at the end of the day, my parents are paying so that’s where it’s happening.
WHere you and your Fiance live? Could you have it there?
If you’re saving on the space and having it at your family’s home, it would be nice if you guys could spring for his immediate family’s travel costs, but at the end of the day it’s not a requirement and it’s up to them to save for the trip.
Post # 8
I don’t think you are being a bridezilla at all! And I do think it’s unreasonable for your Fiance to request that your family pays for his family’s travel. However, you two are going to have to talk about this and figure out what is the best solution. I don’t necessarily think your parents’ country house is the obvious choice.
Can his family and those he really wants there truely not afford to travel? I know you said that you think that he thinks that just because your faimly is wealthier that they should pay – and that’s wrong. However, I don’t think it’s fair to assume that they can easily save up for a bus ticket (maybe they can afford the ticket but not the entire day of travel it would take). So if it comes down to people vs venue, I think people should win. Remeber, this is your FI’s wedding too!
I live in VA and planned a wedding in MI. It’s not ideal, but it’s really not that hard. Email and the internet are wonderful things! Plus, if you have the wedding in Mass. you’ll still be planning long distance.
Post # 9
Mmmm, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here. I don’t think you’re being Bridezilla, but you are being somewhat insensitive. Given that your family is wealthy enough to be in possession of a large country house in the Berkshires, and that his family will have trouble scraping up airfare, it doesn’t make sense to have it in western MA, unless you can graciously offer to cover their airfare and put them up. It’s not a matter of what’s traditional, or who’s entitled to what: it’s just a matter of the differential impact. Surely you don’t want them to be burdened.
The only part I do find disturbing is “that either I or my parents should pay”. It sounds like he’s still thinking very us vs them. You are soon to be one family, and he should be thinking “how can we make sure that everyone who loves us can attend without hardship?” not “they need to pay for my people.” My guess is that this defensiveness comes from his feeling badly that his family can’t easily afford something as simple as traveling for his wedding. Our society tends to blame poor people for being poor, as if wealth were a virtue, so it’s understandable.
I think the most loving thing to do would be to either have the wedding in Michigan, or to have the wedding in MA and then have a small reception for his family in Michigan, with the assumption that his family won’t be able to attend the wedding. You can always offer to pay for their travel expenses, but frankly it doesn’t seem like you’d be able to do it with your whole heart, and they’re likely to end up feeling like beggars. Not a good way to start your relationship with them…
Post # 10
I do not think you are being insensitive, but I hate to say this, I would be getting cold feet. If SO expects your family to pay for stuff because they have more money, is that going to continue after you are married? I agree with WTF. Tradition is the wedding is at the bride’s home. Where do you live now (sorry if I missed it).
Post # 11
I think he’s in the wrong to be demanding you pay, but if funds are tighter for his family, you might want to consider chipping in. I don’t know how much flights are, but considering you’re not renting a venue, I’d see how much you save as compared to renting a venue in michigan (after table, linen, dishware, etc. rentals), and then considering divvying up the remainder. Even one or two hundred bucks to each of his immediate family members would probably help in garnering goodwill (both with him, and with them).
Post # 12
Starbux, if I have to buy someone’s friendship, they are not really my friend. Being considerate is one thing, but I see OP getting walked over here, and subsidizing them may only encourage more in the future.
Post # 13
@CorvusCorax: Not being a bridezilla at all. It does sopund like you initially agreed upon having the wedding in a certain place and now you’re trying to change that. You’re Fiance probably felt you had already agreed on things and now he shouldn’t have to compromise what’s already been agreed upon and become his vision of your wedding for some new idea.
He knows his family best and if he feels it will prevent people he cares about being able to attend I can understand his desire to stick with the original plans. I understand your reasons and logic for wanting the switch, but maybe Fiance doesn’t see where you are coming from. Try discussing it and seeing and understanding eachother’s point of view in the matter.
Post # 14
Did you ever think about a 3rd party location so that everyone has to travel? That way, it’s a little more fair?
Post # 15
@CorvusCorax: FH and I Had this same argument. is this the first time you two are discussing changing the location of the wedding? If so, I would recommend giving it a while to settle in and discuss when you’ve both had some time to process.
i was the one that insisted on having the wedding in NYC, I flipped out abt it, and in the end… We compromised and went with LA- where we met. It took about two months to get to that agreement though- not to freak you out but try to be patient (both of you) 🙂
Post # 16
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
You’re definitely not being a bridezilla! Maybe you and your fiance should talk to his parents to see how they actually feel. It sounds like your fiance is assuming they won’t want to or won’t be able to afford to go. If he hears from them that that’s not the case, maybe he’d feel better about it.