- 6 years ago
So, I kinda just started typing. It’s really wordy and could probably use an edit/ revision to make it read better but it’s almost 4am and this is the best you’re gonna get.
I just need to get this out there. I was crying my eyes out while talking to him via instant messenger about two hours ago. I’m so worried about him. I got off work really late but I don’t work in the morning and it’s a Sunday so neither does he so we decided to spend a little time together. He was very insistent upon driving himself (we were meeting at a location we frequented- nice area to walk around, safe, beautiful fountain) even though I had to drive past his apartment complex to get there (turns out he needed to leave his apartment of his own accord and have some control). I thought that was odd but I was getting an unexpected hour or two with him so I wasn’t going to question it. Anyway, we get there and he starts telling me how he can’t fight his depression by himself anymore and he’s got an appointment on Tuesday to get on Wellbutrin. A few years earlier, before we met, SO dealt with really bad depression- by bad I’m talking suicidal and in therapy bad- after he got arrested (possession of pot… a lot of pot… at school… when he was 15) and lost all his friends and had death threats against him. We talked about it a little bit, going off topic then back on and back and forth. He said it had gotten really bad the past few weeks. I felt/ feel really bad I didn’t pick up on anything (that being said, we have barely seen each other the past few weeks and there have been other stressful things going on). While off topic, he told me his mom and stepdad were gonna likely get a divorce because she thinks he’s cheating on her and he’s doing a really bad job at denying it (he did it once before, about 10-ish years ago) and he told me about a debate he had in school about whether single mother families are normal (and how one guy said something about the necessity of father figures- which SO did not take well because he was primarily raised by a single mother) and that’s when he said he doens’t really believe in marriage because of how he’s seen it turn out (his father was not a good man- drugs, crimes, violence, beating SO’s mother- and his stepfather was never really all that good to them either) and I gave him a surprised/ confused/ “da fuck?!” look and he said something about how he can lie to himself as much as he wants but it’s something he’s never really liked (which I knew… but he had said, before we ever got together, that he just never thought he’d find the right person to be able to have it with and he just resigned himself to being against it and once we started dating, he said he finally found that person and he wanted to get married) and I told him he shouldn’t be against the whole institution of marriage and that he has to look at the people involved (he’s a better than that either of his so- called “fathers”) but that’s pretty much where that converstation ended. We went out separate ways and we started IMing when we both got home and that’s when all the crying started. He sounded so hopeless. Like he deserved to suffer. It’s so sad. And the more I tried to be encouraging, the more upset I made myself because I know that at this point he doesn’t really believe it’ll get better. I made him promise me (many times) that he’ll stick it out with the antidepressants until they find something that works for him and that if he ever feels suicidal (or homicidal or violent in general) he’ll come to me before he tries anything. But I just want him to be ok. I told him I know I’ve struggled over the past few years and I know how hard it’s been for me and he’s always seemed like such a stronger person and for him to admit he needs help must mean it’s gotten so much harder. And that scares me. It worries me. That’s also the closest I’ve ever come to telling anyone that I think I’m depressed (because I’ve definitely been fighting with something the past couple years) and I’ve been working up the courage to go to him about it (because on one hand I know he understands depression but on the other, I was afraid he’d discount it because he’s been so badly depressed) but he’s in such a worse spot than I am, I just want to get him through it so I have to put myself on the back burner and work up to it all over again. I’ve never had anyone be so candid with me about depression, I just don’t know what to do. I can’t make him happy again, I can’t solve his problems. Hell, I can’t even encourage him by telling him one day we’ll be married because I don’t know if he really wants it! But that’s a conversation for another time because I just want to get him through this. Bees, I’m so scared for him. I’m crying again. Near the end of our conversation, before he went to bed, when I told him how worried I was, he put up his facade again (another reason I hadn’t really noticed anything :/) and I called him out on it. I don’t want fake optimism. I want to help him be actually optimistic. I told him I’m always there for him to talk to about it or to get his mind off it or whatever else he may need. But now everytime he seems happy or excited, I’m going to know it’s a mask and I don’t know what to do with that. I just know how he is when things don’t work, he gets really frustrated and impatient and I just don’t want to see him get frustrated and quit after just one thing if the Wellbutrin doesn’t work or doesn’t work fast enough. Bees, be there for me so I can be there for him, please?