SO is great but he nit picks me to death, but maybe It\'s me needing to change.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know this is a bit of a cliche but actually, a good relationship isn’t one that depends on one of the people in it changing beyond recognition OR being the one that makes all the compromises.

Sure, we’re rarely clones of our SOs and that means we react differently to things. But equally, there has to be a happy medium where BOTH of you adapt or, if this isn’t possible, you accept that the incompatibilities between you mean that a long term relationship won’t work.

So don’t change in order to please him. That won’t make you happier in the long term.

Post # 3
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with the PP. My SO gets nit picky about certain things too, and its usually when he’s stressed. Have you noticed him doing it more when he’s stressed? Not that its an excuse, but I just try to cater to it. That said, he hasn’t asked me to change anything major. If he did it’d be a different story. I also know that I do some things my own way and therefore we make compromises. You just have to talk about it. If you are that unhappy though, and its constant nagging, maybe you should reevaluate the relationship.

Post # 4
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

twu123:  I’m not saying you should break up right now but DO NOT ignore this.  It sounds like he could be extremely rigid, critical and controlling. You are not his employee – you’re his girlfriend and he doesn’t have the right to manage or “improve” you. 

If you are doing things “his way” to please him or avoid criticism, that’s not good, real or sustainable. Stop “jumping up” to do the dishes. If YOU are doing the dishes, then YOU get to decide when and how to do them. If he says anything, tell him that and that if he wants them done on his timetable, then he can do them. 

Would it be possible to ask him if his demanding ways a factor in his divorce? If it was, look out because he hasn’t learned anything. If you can’t ask him that, you can tell him, nicely, that you are an adult with your own way of doing things just as he is and while everyone has flaws and has room for improvement, you are who you are and aren’t looking for a mentor, but a partner.  Tell him you would like to work on some compromise.  If he’s willing and able, great. If he takes the Attitude that you need to come round to his way of thinking, move on.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

twu123:  I think you need to have a good conversation about the fact that you are feeling like he is trying to change you. 

But I also think that this is a line to toe in this sort of situation. It is often said that a good relationship will bring out the best in you, so I think that to a certain extent, we do change for people, but only in small ways (like washing the dishes asap). Perhaps think of the small ways that you have tried to encourage him to change or would like to and offer to “trade” small habitual changes. E.g. you’ll think twice about whether you really need to get something off your chest (i.e. “complain”) and he’ll try to X.

However, make sure to remind him that there is a big difference between venting to a partner to relieve stress and actually carrying a negative attitude into work. Remind him that you are doing the former and need that venting in order to have a good attitude at work. 

Also be sure to remind him that just because he does one thing one way and was brought up to do it that way, and you do something another way, does not make either way better than the other, they are just different.

I truly think that you can make this relationship work, but it will take just that: work. You have to communicate honestly about these things and continue to talk about them until something changes. If nothing does and it still bothers you in 3-6months time, then it’s time to call it quits. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Everdeen. Reason: Typos
Post # 7
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

twu123:  It is often hard to know what to say when someone is venting or going through a hard time. Some people need to hear positive things, others just need a hug and an ear and others need someone to say the negative things with them too. 

He obviously is someone who tries to help the person feel less negative by trying to keep things positive, but that is obviously not how you feel comforted. You need to decide what you would like him to do/say when you are venting so that you feel better and so that he feels like he is actually helping.

Perhaps that means having to say “I need to vent for the next 5minutes, please just hold me/please offer suggestions/please tell me it is all going to be ok” clearly communicate what you need so that he can fulfill that need and not just be left guessing with you feeling hurt. 

He needs help to learn the best things to say and do, help him get there.

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