SO is losing friends :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Payless:  Are these all long-distance friends? Are they single? 

My guy isn’t the best at keeping in touch, either, but he does have a few good friends from undergrad (10+ years ago). We now live about 2 hours away from them. Thankfully, they all have really awesome wives who I love, so *I* want to make sure we hang out often. When we first got together he would never go down to see them (or his family) and I noticed when he took me to meet everyone that they were really happy to have him around and that it was rare. So I said we had to make a point to visit once a month and we have more or less done that for the year we’ve been together. 

So my suggestion would be to make the plans yourself. Invite his friends over for dinner. Set up a monthly game night. If you see something that reminds him of his friend, take a picture and have him text it to them. YOU obviously know how to keep friends, get him doing the same things. 

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

DH and I are BOTH guilty of doing that!

We’vefound that FB is amazing for keeping up with people without calling them “just to talk” (which we BOTH hate doing!)

Post # 6
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Payless:  Skype is good. It’s hard for couples to stay friends with singles, I think, just because your lives are very different with different priorities. If you’re stationed abroad, maybe send post cards? Really- people just need to know you’re thinking of them to feel connected. 

Post # 8
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Same thing is happening to me, not really that I lost my friends, but most of them have moved away, and the ones who were still here weren’t really that close of a friend to me anyway, and when I had deleted my facebook multiple times and made a new one, the 3rd time they didn’t want to add me back…And I suck at keeping in contact with people also. Mostly cuz I just don’t feel like talking to anyone. Talking to the people I work with is enough conversation for the day.

My boyfriend has the same problem also, but he hasn’t “lost” any friends yet, but I’m noticing they are starting to not invite him to hang out as often anymore. Because usually my boyfriend makes an excuse why he doesn’t want to, cuz we live too far from them. And my boyfriend is a natural loner who talks to a lot of people online, so he doesn’t have an urge to really communicate with his real friends very much.

Post # 10
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with setting up dates-but I think it’s also about encouraging dates. 

Sometimes, SO and I like to hang out and do our own thing, but we mostlly hang out together.  We double date A LOT and it’s great because we can all hang out!

Maybe this can help?  

 

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Payless:  What about joining an activity group of some kind to get to know new people together? So many possibilities like volunteering, working out/group sports, trivia nights, or adult ed classes. My husband and I also have a few local non-chain restaurants where we are regulars. We got to know a few of the bartenders and their SOs from those spots and we’ve gotten together with them for dinners.

Post # 12
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My FI lost most of his friends around the time we started dating because of multiple reasons. some because of his ex (so much drama), so he’s completely come into my friend group and now we just have one group of friends rather than “my friends/your friends”

I’d help encourage him to keep touch with people and remind him too.

Do you have mutual friends together?

Post # 14
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Payless:  My boyfriend is actually kind of like this too. I literally tell him to text and call his friends, and will sometimes give mini lectures on the importance of communication and friends aside from your lover in life, if he’s been doing particularly badly in keeping in contact. So maybe some reminders for him to make it a routine priority?

Post # 16
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If he’s not all that into contacting people and doesn’t get around to it, I’d be leary of Skype.  I’m more or less a happy hermit, but I do appreciate my friends even those far away.  But I’m not the least interested in online video chat.  I did it once about 5 years ago when I had a new laptop and so did a friend and it was 5 minutes of awkward and then one of us was like “Ok, can we go back to IMing now?!”. lol

Maybe he’d like it, so you could suggest it first, and it might be better that way.  Then as a back up use email/Facebook messaging as a suggestion, which if he doesn’t like the video idea would be a relief.  I’ve got several friends from high school spread across the country from where we went to school (me being one of the movers).  But I periodically chat with them in messaging (IMs like ICQ or Yahoo before Facebook).  Much as Facebook gets bashed here, it’s all it how you set it up and who your friends are.  I keep up with so many people via Facebook who found me there that weren’t interested in normal IM programs.  Just last night I talked to an old friend for a couple hours in messages.  I resisted Facebook for years, but it’s so user friendly and simple it’s easy to talk to my non-tech friends who never got into IMs.

Being a happy hermit I’m much happier messaging than video!  I use a program called Trillian that lets you do Facebook (and other IMs) in one program.  So I don’t even have Facebook up in the browser.  I pop on, read stuff and leave.  But if someone messages me I start Trillian and talk to them that way… it shows up for them as if I’m on Facebook (which I am, I just have happy little message windows I can move to the side and do something else!).  I could be playing a game in a window and have a Facebook conversation going so I don’t have to be on camera or focused on the Facebook page as in “I’m just sitting here doing this”. 

But even if he just used Facebook, and could read stuff or do something else on his pc while talking, Facebook makes that little chime notification thing and the tab says how many new messages.

In the end you can’t fix him, but it doesn’t hurt to make suggestions.  I’d be sad to if I were you, but I’d say “well this is what I do to keep up with my friends, and here are some other options…”.

 

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