SO is scared to get married. Help?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@AquamarineQueen:  How old are you two? Is it possible he feels too young? I only say that because sometimes men do not feel ready for marriage until much later than women do. 

From what I have read, you seem to be very level headed and calm about this. So it doesn’t seem like you are coming on too strong. It may just be he is either not ready or unfortunately may never be ready. While I understand he had a bad example of marriage growing up, I don’t think that would explain it all. There may be some other deep seated issues going on that he is not being honest about.

While it will be a tough decision, you may have to decide whether or not marriage is truly important to you. Talking to his mom may help, but pressuring him to marry won’t. If he doesn’t want to get married, are you ok with still being with him?

In my experience, it doesn’t usually bode well when two people have different expectations/desires about getting married. If someone wants marriage and the other doesn’t, then it’s unfair for either to pressure the other one. Sorry you are going through this OP, best of luck though.

Post # 5
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Have you thought about pre-marital counseling? I just finished a 4-week session with my fiance and it addressed a lot of the same concerns that your boyfriend has brought up – examples of marriage from our parents, our fears, how to deal with conflict and disagreement, etc. I feel MUCH better about getting married now.

Would he be willing to give it a try?

If not, I would seriously think about moving out. By moving in you’re essentially giving him the wife experience without the legal and emotional protection of marriage. He has no incentive to move toward marriage if he’s already getting everything he wants.

Post # 6
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

Did you two talk about this before you moved to be with him? 

ETA:  Oops, just saw your other reply.  I would feel really hurt that he showed an interest in marriage when we talked about moving in together and then changed his mind after I completely uprooted my life for him.  That’s not fair at all.  Would you still have moved to him if he had been honest about how he feels about marriage?

 

Post # 7
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

You two are pretty young, right? You two have been together for a good amount of time, but it sounds like he’s just not ready. At this point, it’s up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, then you have to decide how long you’re willing to wait to see if he will change his mind. You absolutely don’t want to try to force him into marrying you or having kids with you, but you also need to look out for yourself and what you want out of your life. He may be happy to spend the rest of his life with you without marriage and without kids, but you don’t have to accept having to live that life with him if it’s not what you want.

Post # 9
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

@AquamarineQueen:  If it’s a deal breaker, I think you should be honest with him about it. Like I said, you don’t want to pressure him into moving forward when he’s not ready to, but I think he deserves to know that you two aren’t on the same page, you aren’t happy with where things are heading, and marriage or kids are important enough to you that if he decides he never wants them you’ll have to move on.

He is great to you and he loves you, but if you don’t want the same things out of your life together, he may not be the right person for you to spend your life with.

Post # 10
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

@AquamarineQueen:  That really, really sucks then.  If you haven’t already I would have a long talk with him.  Explain to him what you did here; reiterate the fact that you love him but know that you want marriage.  Explain to him the whole moving deal. I’m sure it really hurts to know that he was saying “yes I want marriage too” before you moved to be with him and now he’s waffling back and forth; that’s not fair to you at all and he needs to be called out on that even if he didn’t mean to be so indecisive he should be made fully aware what a shit thing that is.  I’ve had a past boyfriend lie to me to get me to move in with him because he wouldn’t have been able to afford that nice apartment without me.  I’m by no means saying that’s what your guy is doing, but I know the hurt associated with that.

Good luck talking to him.  I think maybe he didn’t really think about marriage to it’s full extent before, and now that it’s staring him in the face he’s getting nervous.  If your talk goes well just give him a little space, but if nothing changes for a while you’ll have to decide what you want more out of life; him or a husband.

Post # 11
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, I don’t recommend continuing to live with him. 

I see no logic in living with someone, and doing most or all of the things that go hand-in-hand with living with someone, when they don’t even know if they want what you already know you want. 

Living with him while he’s still figuring out what he wants to do is not helpful to you or him. He gets to live with you, and enjoys all the perks that come with that, and you’re in limbo, unsure if you’re wasting your time; unsure if he’ll decide if he does want marriage and children. He’s comfortable and, therefore, has little reason to actually make a decision. 

I don’t think it was an accident or coincidence that he said “Yes” to marriage before you moved in, but afterward he’s unsure. 

I think moving out is one of the best things you could do. This isn’t to pressure him into marriage, it’s to prevent the waste of your time. It’s also meant to make sure that he’s not in a situation where he doesn’t need to make a decision or work through issues because he already has what he wants. 

Post # 13
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

He should really be in therapy. I know he isn’t into it, but the effects of absuse aren’t going to go away.

If he won’t discuss counseling and stops speaking to you  when you try to discuss marriage, you have your work cut out for you. 🙁 It sounds like it’s going to come down to you deciding on whether you want to stay with this man unmarried, or NOT. Be totally honest with him, if it’s a deal breaker. 

In the meantime, if at all possible, I really really recommend learning to drive. It will give you SO many more options in your life!

Post # 14
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@AquamarineQueen:  He gets mad at you for bringing it up? You’re scared to bring up the topic of marriage with someone you’ve been with for six years, and now live with?

You should never be scared to bring up marriage with someone you’re in a relationship with, much less someone you’re living with.

I’ve got to say, it sounds like you’re headed down a road you don’t want to be on. This guys behavior doesn’t bode well for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. It certainly doesn’t bode well for marriage. 

I suggest thinking long and hard about whether this man is a suitable mate for you. From what you’ve written here, it doesn’t seem like he is. 

Post # 15
Member
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@AquamarineQueen:  Whatever you do, don’t bring his mother into it. The moment you do that, your relationship with him now becomes you, him, and her. If you two are adults, you handle it like adults. Ask him if he is comfortable with seeking counseling to discuss these issues.

If not, then you can’t force him to feel differently. If you know you want to get married someday and you are unsure if he feels the same way, well you have a decision to make. Don’t waste your time and energy.

Post # 16
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@AquamarineQueen:  What is he scared of?  

If he’s scared of the marriage failing, well, nothing in life is guaranteed.  You could also break up tomorrow but that didn’t scare him enough to avoid moving in with you.  

If he’s scared of not being a good husband or father, he needs to consider why he feels that way.  Having bad examples growing up isn’t a guarantee he will end up the same way.  He has a *choice* of how he treats you as a partner and how he treats a child as a parent.  Right now, he’s acting as if he has no choice over the person he becomes as a husband/parent.  

If he’s scared generally of the idea of committing himself to you for life, that indicates to me that he’s not totally sure yet if he thinks you’re the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life.

I think you need to drill down the reason WHY he’s scared and work from there.  Some things he can work on (like fear of not being a good husband) and some he can’t (because he can’t force himself to want to marry you).

Aside from his ambiguous claim that he’s “scared,” I see some other red flags here.  He’s 27 years old.  He gets angry when you bring up marriage.  He sometimes says he wants it and other times he says he doesn’t.  You moved 2 hours to live with him and now suddenly he’s against getting married.  Umm, I’m sorry, but he’s old enough to know if he wants to be a husband someday– *and* to know if he wants to be a husband TO YOU.  A man who loves you, even one who isn’t ready to get married, isn’t going to get ANGRY when his partner of SIX YEARS brings up marriage.  Especially when that partner just left her family and friends and moved 2 hours to be with him.

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