(Closed) SO keeps moving engagement… FRUSTRATED & NEED ADVICE!

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m one of the posters who almost always says “walk”.  When your relationship gets to the point where you can’t fix it, you can’t fix it with your partner (or don’t want to talk about it with your partner), and you are resorting to the internet for guidance, something has gone horribly wrong.

He has twice flaked on his own announced (either explicitly or implied) proposal times.  That is what his behavior is saying, regardless of what his mouth is saying.  Do you really want to be involved with someone who can’t keep his own promises to himself?

It sounds like you’ve made yourself a walk date.  At this point it doesn’t really matter if you tell him what it is or not, but until then, go out and take care of yourself.  Go do things without him that make you happy.  It doesn’t matter if this means you have a weekly brunch with your girlfriends, that you take up a new hobby or exercise regimen, whatever.  Go do something on your own that gives you joy and fulfillment.  Find an encouraging girlfriend who cares about you and your happiness and can be a confidant who can help you steer your life in a good direction.

Post # 5
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

If I were you I would be beyond frustrated. Can you start to make plans several times a week to do things socially without him? If you were busy having fun and less focused on him, I suspect you would be happier and that would help you decide if you really do want to stay with him or if the time has come for you to move on. I honestly feel like a guy who has the ring already but is waiting and waiting to propose is not “the marrying type” — or that he knows you aren’t the right one for him and that’s why he’s holding off. (I’m sorry!)

Post # 6
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The absolute first thing I would do is stop trying for a baby.  Seriously, if you’re questioning his commitment as a partner, how do you think he’ll handle fatherhood?  And you’re old enough to know that popping out a kid won’t make him stay, and I say that as a fellow 30something. 

He’s not ready.  Based on his previous long term realationships and “dodging a bullet” by not marrying them, I don’t think he’s ready for marriage.  I don’t think he’s ready for any sort of true commitment.  Should you walk?  I can’t tell you that.  All I can offer are questions.  Are you happy in your current situation?  Could you live out a long term relationship with him without ever getting a ring?  If you were to conceive, would you be willing to raise the child 100% by yourself if needed?  Once you know the answer to those, you’ll know if you need to walk away or not.

Post # 7
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I can understand how frustrated you would be. He shouldn’t have given you TWO proposal dates without following through. I think, at this point, what you should say is, “Please don’t  propose to propose to me again. Don’t set another date. When you are ready to ask me to marry you, just ask.”

Then, go out and live your life how you’d like. If you want to start looking for jobs closer to your family, I think you should be able to talk about that with him. You could both start looking for jobs that would make it easier on you to see your family. Even if you were married, you could do that.

You’ve been together for 2.5 years, and  you may end up spending the rest of your lives together. You seem frustrated that you are so far from family, depending on a guy who is dawdling on engagement. I suggest you start living the life you really want to live NOW. 

Of course a proposal won’t be as exciting now, after having been jerked around, but that doesn’t mean engagement and marriage don’t have to be exciting. Let go of the past; your SO can’t go back in time and propose on July 4. If you still want to marry him, stay with him, and if not, break up with him. 

Post # 8
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

First of all, *HUGS*

I’m not sure what advice to give. 🙁 Only you know how long you can wait.  it’s pretty jerky of him to make these announcements only to let you down.  I’m sure you’ve told him that it’s the all talk/no action that makes you the most frusterated.  🙁  Maybe some coupels counselling?

Post # 10
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Definitely stop trying to have a kid.  Tell him that until there’s a ring on your finger, there’s no sperm in your vagina.

Then, set a walk date.  If he already has a ring, giving him until the END of the year is kind of ridiculous.  Tell him that you’re going to stop talking about it and stop being upset about – until September.  Then, do just that.  Give him 4 months to get together a proposal (that is SO plenty of time).  If he doesn’t do it by September, walk.  Don’t TELL him it’s a walk date – just make it one, but DO tell him he has until Sept for you to keep quiet and be patient.  If he asks what happens after September tell him, “I don’t know and you probably don’t want to know, because I don’t want to know either.” 

If he really has the ring, planning a special proposal really shouldn’t take more than 2 weeks, at most – unless he’s waiting for a special date. 

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