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On another post, the discussion has become quite heated about the cover the plate thing. I honestly never heard of this my entire life and I have been attending weddings for almost a half century. Apparently it is common elsewhere. I am of the opinion that wedding guests are invited to share in the happy event and that ANY gift received is just a lovely extra. With all of my three weddings (yes 3!), I had some guests not give anything at all and it never upsetted me in the least. But that is JMO. So I am posting this out of curiosity abd because I think we could use a discussion about it without it being perceived as a personal attack
I'll say what I said in the last post. I personally often try to follow the cover your plate idea and will give a larger gift if I know the wedding is going to be lavish. I know a lot of my friends and family follow this idea as well. That being said, I did not expect this of any of my guests. I chose to have an expensive wedding. I do not think my guests should feel they have to spend any more money on a gift for me than they are able to or they are comfortable with simply because of choices I made.
I don't really understand how someone is supposed to know how much their plate cost in order to cover it...we're going to a wedding this weekend and I have NO idea how much each person's plate it! We're giving what we feel comfortable giving...although I have to say, when I think about it, I do think I tend to give more if I feel like the wedding is more formal (which I usually assume is more expensive, even though this isn't NECESSARILY true...). I would give more for a black tie wedding (which the wedding this weekend is) than I would for a casual bbq reception. That's probably wrong of me...
I've never even considered "covering my plate cost" when I have gone to a wedding. Granted, most of the weddings I have been to were when I was younger and my parents were buying the gift. I also haven't been close enough to a wedding to really know how many people didn't give a gift or what the value was. I think a large part of it is dependent on your relationship with the bride and groom as well as your financial situation. Where I am from, wedding gifts are pretty much standard as far as I have seen...even though I now know they are not necessary, I did not really know better before all this wedding stuff started for me!
So I am pretty much useless! Haha...
I don't need guests to "cover their plate" (which makes no sense to me because they have no way of knowing what their plate even costs!). What is unacceptable to me is no gift AND no card. No gift with a thoughtful card - fine. Most of my guests are travelling a decent distance, paying for hotels, etc. and aren't millionaires so I will not be upset with them or offended if they feel they cannot afford a gift in addition to travel and hotel costs. HOWEVER, you do not show up to a wedding completely empty handed. In my book that is the (and yes, I'm sayin' it) TACKIEST thing in the world. Come with a card, some well wishes, a smile on your face - you're good with me.
That being said, money and gifts are most appreciated. I like money. I like gifts. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I don't because that's just bulls**t. I don't think that makes me materialistic because I don't EXPECT everyone to shell out a ton of cash, but in an ideal world - would it be great if everyone was in a position to cut a nice check or buy something off our registry? Yes, of course it would. If that makes me materialistic then f**k it, I'm materialistic.
I've definitely heard of it, and I think it is something a lot of people consider, but like hilsy said, there is really no way of of knowing the per plate cost, also, do you consider cost of alcohol, etc? I usually give about the same at every wedding, more if it is very close family or friends, which I am sure covers the plate and more so I don't focus on it too much. Conversely, if I choose to have a $150 per plate wedding, while other people choose to have a $40 per plate wedding, why should I expect guests to give more based on my choice?
Long story short, covering your plate is either regional or traditional in some cultures/families. I have heard of it, but this is not the case where I live or in my family.
Our plate cost was about $100+ per person (including hors d' oeuvres and alcohol) but I wouldnt expect our guests to know that. Some people "covered" it and others didnt but we didnt go into it expecting that. Plus our parents paid for the wedding so we didnt need to make that money back to pay for it.
They always say you shouldnt expect a gift, but lets face it, most people do. That also may be a regional/traditional/personal thing but yes, I expected gifts, that is what we are used to. I always give a gift at a wedding as well. I dont necessarily cover my plate, but I usually give $50-$100 depending on the relationship, if I was in the wedding, etc. There were some people I didnt expect a gift from and when we didnt get a gift, I wasnt upset. I understood their situation or understood the fact that where they are from, its not traditional to give a gift or even a card.
@Kittyachi: You are not being materialistic! I like gifts too! The fact is you want people who care about you to be there and wish you the best....but yes, a gift of some kind is always greatly appreciated - and who doesn't LOVE opening cards/presents? I sure do!
To tell you the truth naangel, I was more upset when we didn't get a card than a gift.
At this point in my life, I give a gift based on our budget. Our budget tends to be the same for each of the weddings we've been to, but we have spent a little bit less for weddings where we had to fly somewhere. One day I hope our budget will allow for more generous gifts that might come closer to covering a plate, but I don't think that will be the motivation.
I happen to agree with you. I have invited my family and friends to share a happy event with us with no expectation of receiving a thing. Except a hearty congradulations. I my opinion if you through a wedding you cannot afford expecting people to gift you the cost, then maybe you should have thrown a more economical wedding, and maybe you should reavaluate your reasoning for getting married. A wedding is about the joining of two live not who can throw the greatest party. JMO
I feel like it's such an excuse to be snide on both ends. You see some brides who use it as an excuse to expect lavish gifts/checks and guests (around here at least) use it as an excuse to expect a certain level of a lavish evening - open bar a must, food must be up to par fancy, etc - and neither is right in my opinion. It's a shame that more people don't see weddings as a joyous occasion for family and friends to celebrate with the couple.
I have never heard of this. I give a gift based on how well I know the people, usually...my gift is nicer, more expensive, more personal if it is a close friend or family member, and might be something smaller, off the registry if I don't know the couple as well.
side note: One time I did not give a gift and I never sent one afterwards, and that still makes me feel guilty til this day. I keep waiting for them to get pregnant so I can buy them something awesome, even though I rarely talk to the bride anymore.
I agree, how can someone know how much the plate is going to cost? All the catering companies I looked at the prices were all over the place. I had never heard of covering the cost of the plate until reading on here recently too, and honestly, I think it's silly. A gift is not required for a wedding. It's nice, and I always like to bring one. Actually, I do believe etiquette says that you should never expect a gift because that's very rude and you should appreciate people came to celebrate with you, not just that you want their gift. Whether someone has the money to pay for the guest plate or not, one should never hope they will get "refunded" basically for people to come to their wedding. I too like to receive gifts, who doesn't(?!), but if someone doesn't, oh well. I agree with Kittachyi though, if someone can't at least show up with a $2.00 card and write some meaningful well wishes to me on wedding day, then that's just lazy.
@bluespurs - there were definitely a couple people that didnt give a gift or card and yes, I was upset. But the people I didnt expect anything from (a couple of my brothers friends and people that attend the jiu jitsu studio my parents own) that didnt give a card, I didnt expect one so I wasnt upset. There was one or two people who didnt give anything that I was upset with but oh well...
i've also heard of it, but i think it's terrible. i don't really care about wedding gifts (they are nice, but not required) and wouldn't be offended if someone didn't bring a gift (but i'm not going to discourage it either!).
ultimately, i don't know their financial situation, no matter how close we are. we are only inviting the people who are important in our lives and their presence while we say our vows and party all night is what is what we are after. i view our wedding in a way, as a "thank you" to those who are important to us--we WANT to treat these people to a special ceremony, a great dinner(and booze), and some totally rockin entertainment because they have been important to us in our lives.
in five years, i probably won't remember who got us that coffee pot. but i'll remember the people who rocked out on the dance floor with us at our reception, and the touching toast from a bridesmaid who is still in college and had to ask her parents to pay for her dress.
Where I live in California, most people give gifts off a registry, not cash. When I'm invited to a wedding I always purchase off the registry a gift of about $50 to $100 depending on how well I know the couple. I wouldn't have a clue how much MY plate cost without asking the bride which would be terribly rude and I would never do! For my son's wedding next month, they have done a honeymoon registry which is a brand new concept for most people. We'll have to see how it is received, but I suspect many guests will still choose to go the traditional route and buy a gift from a store. We're not planning on using any money they receive to pay for the actual wedding. The budget has always been about what we can afford to provide the best possible experience for the guests, whether they buy a gift or not.
I agree with most of what naangel55 said. I don't expect people to "cover their plate" per se as they have no way to know what we're spending, but I also think it is rude to come to a wedding empty handed.
I always give a gift at a wedding as well and I feel like most people were raised to know that although a gift isn't required, it is common courtesy to bring one. I dont necessarily cover my plate (as I don't know what others spend either), but my FI and I usually give ~$100-$120 (not cash - gifts off the registry) depending on the relationship with the couple. And I still send a gift if I am unable to attend - as a said, I believe it is just common courtesy to do so.
So do I expect people to spend a ton of money on FI and I because we're getting married? NO! But do I have a little bit of an expectation to receive a gift that matches the means of the guests who choose to attend? Maybe it makes me rude/tacky/materialistic/etc, but yes, I kind of do because it is just common courtesy.
I'll just say that I too had never heard of this custom before visiting Weddingbee, and I've been to 10 - 12 weddings in my lifetime. I personally always give at least one gift, or several, but I also know that as a bride you should be grateful to get anything at all. I realize that everyone's budgets are different, and some people purchase gifts/give money based on their relationship to the couple. Most people in my area give cash at the wedding, yes, but I've seen entire, huge registries come close to being completed. From what I've seen, people go to the registry first, and cash isn't considered the main form of gift giving; it seems supplemental. Hence my surprise at the notion of 'everyone knowing you need to cover your plate' before walking into the reception!
Again, this is all based on my opinions and experiences, and I understand that not everyone is like me.
When planning my own wedding, I never expected my guests to "cover their plates" in terms of gifting us. We got gifts ranging from $30- $6000 (money, gift cards, registry gifts). Personally when I'm giving a wedding gift, I just use my own guidelines: $100-$150 for friends, and $200-$250 for family (total from both DH and me). How am I supposed to know how much each plate is anyway?? 
@kittyachi: I can understand feeling that way. I appreciate a card too! I guess the only thing that's really offended me was a friend brought his GF--I'd never met her before--as his guest. They gave me a check($20 ;-)) and I was very happy they came.
What I wasn't happy with, was 2 months? later? my husband and I met up with the couple and some friends, and the girlfriend did not remember ever meeting us or coming to our wedding, even after he prompted her with "it was at that piazza, in the morning, it was cold" etc. nope-- she didn't remember us at all and told me that to my face, and didn't care--didn't apologize. :-)
So yeah, spent a lot of money for this chick to come to my wedding and she didn't even remember it!
I don't do this at all. What I spend is dependent on how much money I have and how close I am to the couple, not how fancy of a wedding they have.
I really don't know how one would know what the per plate cost is. There's such a difference in prices if you can bring in your own alcohol or not, or the type of place. Most people's weddings are out of state for us so I'm not familiar with these places.
I think the cost of the wedding is very much a couple's choice. There are ways to have a lovely wedding for very low cost and ways to have a lovely wedding at a very high cost. Price can change dramatically just by bringing in your own alcohol. But I'm not going to give a new couple just starting out who we're close to $10 because they had a cake and punch reception and I'm not going to give a couple $200 if they have a fancy wedding because it's not in our budget and if you can afford a $100/plate wedding I'm not sure you need me scrimping to afford my plate cost.
This might seem harsh but it seems like a very classist (as in how much $$ you have) system. I don't make friends based on the depth of their pockets so if my wedding was out of their budget I would not expect a decline but I'm also very happy with how my wedding went so I'm also glad we didn't cut the cost more just so people wouldn't feel guilty about not giving a sufficient gift.
I think expecting anything from your GUESTS is tacky.
If they want to give us gifts in celebration of the occasion, then great. If they don't have the means or desire to do so, then that's great too. They're guests. Guests at a party my family and I are throwing essentially in celebration of ourselves.
I didn't hear about this until it was said here on Weddingbee. I base my gift giving on how well I know the couple, if I'm attending the other wedding related events, the location/travel to the wedding, and my current money status. So no I don't think a gift should cover the cost of your plate. It is simply a gift.
In our case we figured since we had a destination wedding that we wouldn't get very many gifts because people were spending lots of time and money to be there with us. I was surprised at what we did receive but by all means not upset with anyone for not "gifting" us.
I'm with Kittyachi - While gifts are awesome, I don't expect them from anyone. However, guests should at least show up with a card containing a heartfelt message.
While I think it's unwise to expect anything as a host, I was always taught that proper etiquette as a guest is to make sure that, at minimum, your gift covers the cost of your plate. It's generally pretty easy to guesstimate that cost once you know where the reception is being held and what you'll be having. Or, if you truly have no idea, $100/person is safe.
For what it's worth, I'm originally from central NJ, and my mom, who first gave me this advice, is from western NY.
I've heard it, and my Mom got all angry about it when I was opening gifts (some people gave less than the plate amount, but my parents didn't pay anyway so whatever). I don't follow this "rule" and I gift based on my relationship with the couple. I usually do cash, somewhere around $75-$100.
$100+ plates being the norm are blowing my mind. Mine was $51 and that included EVERYTHING - hors d'oevres, dinner, drinks, dessert, and a coffee bar.
Confession time - I didn't put a lot on the registry because we wanted cash. His Mom told us to add more things to it and I just ignored her and didn't. Like I had hoped, most people gave us a check.
Several of the comments in here, like hilsy's and ddubbzz's, bring me back to my original question on the other thread: how are guests supposed to know what the plate costs? LOL I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm wondering if it's customary in some circles or communities to spread the word that, "Hey, my sister's wedding is $130 a head!" or "Just so you know, I'm paying $225 per person, see you there!" How does that work? /clueless
I have acutally never heard of this before...and it confuses me bc i dont know HOW i should know how much my plate costs??!! I just went to a wedding last summer and we (between my bf (no FH) and I) bought a 60.00 gift...based on the location i am pretty sure that did not cover the cost of the plate
NOW at my wedding that would have more the covered...
but how do you know?
I've always heard it but I agree with the PP's who say there's no way to truly know how much a couple is paying per person for their wedding. Since being engaged & checking venues in our area we realized that there are very few places around us that charge less than $150 per person. Some places go way over.
I usually give $$ depending on my relationship with the couple. I will admit I save more ahead of time for a close friend or relative than I would for an acquaintance or co-worker.
@Chillmer: Nothing wrong with that! I think it's good to make at least a small registry, so people can at least get you giftcards to wherever you're registered if the gifts all go first. But most people are smart; if they see you're not asking for much, they'll know to write you a check or give you cash. That's why so many other people dislike the idea of a cash registry; guests pretty much can tell if you want money without you having to tell them.
FI and I generally give a gift of around $100-$150 when we go to a wedding. Doesn't matter if it's a fancy wedding, or a low-budget affair. If we're really close to the people who are getting married, we might go a little higher, and if not, we might go a little lower. I think the "cost of your plate" can vary a lot, and I have no idea how you would go about estimating that.
You would never really know the cost per plate. EVEN IF the basic package price is on the venues website...you don't know beforehand if they upgraded to topshelf liquor, or added a chocolate fountain or a coffee bar or who knows what. I think that if you can afford to give whatever, it is thoughtful to consider trying to conver your plate, but a gift is a gift and no one should feel bad about giving whatever they can afford.
There was enough on it so that it didn't look suspicious! Truthfully, most everything on it was purchased for my shower.
As far as the question of "how much per plate?" I am usually in the know. Either the bride has discussed it with us (not in a money grubbing way, but usually a grumbling "can you BELIEVE I have to pay this much?!" kind of way) or we are familiar with the venue. I think it's pretty easy to estimate.
I had never heard of covering your plate until a few threads on here. I normally gift what we can afford.
@Jadore: lol, I'm guessing, like registry info, the price per plate is probly not something we should be including in the invitations, eh? Imagine if you got an invitation that did have it though! 
I have heard of this and it is common in my area; however, I think people are taking it a bit of context.
This is a rough guideline based on the idea that plate costs here are ~$100 for individuals to use as just that a guideline of gift giving. I think it was created because people struggle with how much to give when going to a wedding.
Obviously, individual budget is taken into consideration and no one looks down on guests if they do not meet the "guideline". I personally have NEVER been able to give this amount because I am a student and my FI and I are living on a single person income. We have always given less than the guideline but what we can afford. And no one has ever said anything or been unappreciative of our gift.
Let's face it many people expect gifts, they get disappointed when people don't bring gifts and people usually go to a wedding with a gift in hand. This is just a guideline created by who knows who to help out guests when deciding what to bring.
I agree...there's no way to really know the cost of your plate. I suppose you could make a judgment based on the formality of the wedding and how the invitation looks...but really that's just your best judgment. I don't even worry about covering my plate at all because
1. it was the bride's choice on their catering expenses and I am only at the wedding to support the couple getting married not to pig out. if she wants to have a $130/plate meal than that is her choice, but doesn't mean I'm going to up my gift due to that.
2. i am on a budget and buy based on closeness to the couple and available money at the time.
People shouldn't rely on guest's gifts to cover the costs of the reception. You are choosing to have a reception because you want to spend your special day with the people you have invited. It's rude to expect anything of people (other than a card, honestly people should at least give a card). Beyond that gifts are extra, and those who give them should be thanked for their generosity and thoughtfulness (no matter what the amount is!). People should be thankful for what they get.
I don't think this is an opinion issue that should be debated; I think it is a cultural and social issue. In many places or cultures, weddings are seen as communal events (where everyone helps financially) as opposed to single-family hosted events (where gifts are not to be expected or mentioned). There are many sponsoring/"family-help-out" wedding traditions out there from different cultures in the world.
The validity or legitimacy of a tradition shouldn't be based on whether or not you have heard of it. I think etiquette, rather than one set of "rules," is about meeting or matching the expectations of the social set you are dealing with. I think at least half of wedding conflict deals with this problem; some people expect one thing, others expect something entirely different, and then you invite them all to the same wedding, and then there are clashes.
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