(Closed) So lets talk about sex, so u can help me understand…

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MissTerry07:  Have you tried to simply show him what you want without using words or talking about it?

Post # 4
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My best suggestion, and this is what I did with my guy (not that he was ever bad, but I wanted to enjoy it more, and now it is some of the best sex ever), but why don’t you take the lead. I’m not saying always, I’m saying, have a “session” where you explain to him what what you like & then SHOW him how you like those things done. That way, in the end, he is a least prepared with the correct tools to better get you in the mood, turn you on, etc.

With my SO, I didn’t do it all at once, but I introduced things that I liked here and there, I explained to him before hand and then would try it out the next time we did it. Now he impliments a little bit of this and that, and never all at once, to keep me surprised and always wanting it. A few examples is that I like dirty talk, I told him, asked him if he was oppossed. He said no, so the next time we did it, I let it rip, haha. And now once in awhile, he will initiate it. And I did this one by one, just explaining things that I liked, and once we tried and were comfortable with it, moved on to the next thing that I thought would spice it up more.

Post # 5
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

@MissTerry07:  Get thee to a sex therapist!  🙂

Seriously though, being able to communicate about sex is an incredibly important thing in a relationship.  Would your FI be open to seeing a sex therapist?  You could present it to him along the lines of, “Hun, this is something I’d really like to do because I think we could both benefit from it a lot.  We have an amazing relationship and it will be wonderful to have an equally amazing sexual relationship.  Going to see a sex therapist is something that will help us each learn what we want and need to be happy, and we’ll learn how to be the best sexual partner we can be.”

My husband and I are very open about discussing our sexual relationship with one another and are probably going to start seeing a sex therapist soon because we keep having miscommunications when it comes to that department.  Having someone there who can help us translate what the other is saying/needs will help what’s already a good sex life become an amazing sex life.

Post # 6
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Squee-diddly-dee:  i think that is a great way to put it. That way he doesnt feel threatened or picked on.

Post # 7
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I personally would not be able to marry someone to whom I was not sexually attracted.  This seems like a disaster waiting to happen, sorry. 

Sex is an important part of marriage.  And you’re thinking about bringing children into the equation as well.  How would it be healthy for them to witness a passionless marriage? 

Something like sexual chemistry cannot be created out of thin air, it either exists or it does not.  He sounds like a good friend to you, but not a lover.  And you sound like the kind of woman who needs a lover as well. 

I think you should rethink permanently committing your life to him, considering the way you feel.  It isn’t fair to either of you. 

Post # 8
Member
3627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Sunfire:   I agree. There are other fish in the sea. You owe it to yourself, and he doesn’t deserve someone who will cheat on him.

Post # 13
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MissTerry07:  Men learn pretty quickly once you show them what you want. He might have a low sex drive if he can deal with such infrequent sex and you have to decide whether you can deal with that.

Post # 15
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MissTerry07:  I didn’t mention cheating, maybe you have me mixed up with another poster. 

At age 31 your sex drive should be spiking upwards, not slowing down.  I’m a lot older than you and mine is through the roof.  You haven’t even reached your prime sexual years yet.  So this issue may get worse and not better, physically and hormonally speaking, for you.

You seem to care for him, but you’re not in love  with him.  You aren’t sexually attracted to him.  I re-read your OP and the way you describe him is not the way I would describe the man I’m in love with.  My man is sexy and gorgeous in my eyes, and every day and night I can’t wait to get my hands on his naked body.  We make love all the time and have a close and passionate relationship. I’m madly in love with him and he is a good man as well.   It’s a wonderful feeling!  You deserve to feel that way, too. 

You’re not going to have that with your FI.  You can’t force or manufacture something like attraction, at least I don’t think so.

Post # 16
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Maybe ask him how HE feels sex is going when you guys do it. He might be having things he feels are inadequate but he’s too afraid to talk about them. I would have a serious talk with him and ask about his needs because they are equally as important as yours. You may not be the only one that feels this isn’t good, especially if he’s ok with only having sex once a month or so.

Communication is the key to a good, healthy sex life. If you guys can’t communicate and work this out, don’t stay in the relationship. Sex isn’t what marriage is all about, but it def. does impact your relationship. It is an intregral part.

Good luck 🙂

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